Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 10: What These Bitches Want from a Nigga
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: January 2, 2010
. . . DMX really wanted to know. I wonder if anyone ever told him.
Matter of Fact, I wonder if females are ever really honest with themselves about what they want. RNS, do men really want to know what we want? All the men I have ever been completely honest with, I have scared away. Men, don’t ask the question if you aren’t ready for the answer.
So as the unofficial spokesperson for Single Black Females everywhere, I am going to answer your question DMX, with as much honesty as I can, 10 years later . . .
The difference between a Woman and a Lil’ Girl is where they call their man Daddy. The Bedroom or the Grocery Store. All these lil girls calling folks Daddy while he’s on his job and when they go out to eat, it’s a cry for help. I like being told what to do . . . IN THE BEDROOM. You telling me how to run my life isn’t going to go over well at all, unless I asked you what you thought about my choices. Can you take charge without walking all over me?
I want you to lead and guide me. I want you to introduce me to things I have never experienced before. What do I look like showing you the best restaurants, places to travel, whats going on in the town we both live in. I know what I Like. That’s Why I Like It! I want you to show me something new, make me step outside my box, and explore the world around me. Can you guide me to new things, without forcing me to do things that make me uncomfortable. Do you know the difference between Teacher and Student? Would you be willing to switch roles from time to time?
I want you to protect me. I want to feel safe whenever I am with you. Be it in the club, at the grocery store, during a thunderstorm – I want to feel like My Man Has My Back. The Physicality of that statement notwithstanding, can you protect me from the outside world? Can you be my Superman? Or when the worries of the world – my emotional Kryptonite – comes crashing down to Earth, will you falter in the face of adversity. Can you be strong enough to hold me up, when I am ready to fall? Will you help me fight all my battles: Emotional and Spiritual. Or does that Scare You?
We don’t have to trade hair secrets. But will you be there for me when I need a friend? Can I come to you before I go to anyone else to discuss my fears? Can we laugh and joke at anything? Can we stand in the mall and laugh at the weird couples? Do you look forward to the time we spend together? Can I cry on your shoulder, even when you are the person that made me cry? Is the best part of your day, just sitting on the couch with me watching 24 or Grey’s or the OSU Football Game? I don’t want to be your only friend, but I should be your Best Friend.
If you don’t know A God , let alone My God, how am I going to be able to grow spiritually? Can we talk about our opinions on religion without judging each other? You don’t have to declare a religion, but you do have to believe there is a higher power that has control of our lives. Can you come to church with me, and not be ashamed of what we do at home? Can you defend your faith among those that don’t believe? Are you kind of person who judges those who don’t believe in a higher power? Do you censor your emotions based on what you have been told to believe? How firm are your religious convictions? Does my father having Rev. in front of his name make you nervous?
Conversation is the world’s greatest aphrodisiac. Can you express yourself without using profanity all the time? Can we talk on the phone for hours, without running out of things to say? Can you convey your level of intelligence without making other people, including me, feel stupid? Can you hold a conversation with the Benetton Ad that is my family without being nervous? Can you turn me on Linguistically? Can you use words to convey exactly how you feel about me? (The words Wanna and F*ck not included)
You don’t have to be able to sing. You don’t have to be able to play a instrument. You don’t even have to have an extensive music collection. But do you know something about music? Do you understand my love of Motown? Do you know the difference between Hip-Hop and Rap? Do you know who Sam Cooke is? Do you know any song by Donny Hathaway other than A Song For You? Will it piss you off if I play Limp Bizkit at 8 in the morning? Have you ever owned a Hootie and the Blowfish LP? Do you judge me because I have?
A ProviderNot to be confused with a Sugar Daddy. I don’t want you to pay my bills, I don’t want you to pay for me to get my hair and nails done. I’m not looking for a Pimp, I’m looking for a Provider. Do you have a Career? Any man can have a job, but do you have a business card? One that your company ordered for you? Do you have health benefits? Because Mine are Sho’ Nuff the Bomb
If you have children, do you provide for them, or do you only do what Friend of the Court says you must? Are you a dependable person? Can I depend on you in a time of crisis, not for financial support, but as a support system. But if I need financial support, will you offer it before I have to ask? Will you make me sign a promissory note about when I will be returning it to you?
Can I tell you my fears? Can I tell you my shameful secrets, and not be afraid that you will walk away? Do you understand what I mean when I say, “For your Ears Only?” Will your friends know my business? Will you keep our relationship sacred, not to be violated by those who might be jealous? Or, will you give them ammunition they need to destroy us by telling them all the little things I do that bother you? Will you let me be your diary? Will you trust me enough, to show me your weaknesses? Do you have enough respect for me to abide by the, “What Happens in the Bedroom Stays in the Bedroom” Mantra?
Can you put me to sleep? Can you take your time with me, spend hours trying to figure out the best way to bring me pleasure? Can you be my teacher, help me in those areas that I might be lacking? Can you tell me what you like, without fear of being called a Freak? Can I tell you what I Like, without fear of the same? Can we experiment, testing our boundaries slowly and thoroughly? But can you tell when the time for sensitivity is over? Can you provide the Good Dick Down, and make me wanna clean the house and make tacos? That was for you Ash
Did I answer your question DMX? Do you now know, What Women Want? Hope This Helped . . .
*The Title had you thinking this was about something TOTALLY different, didn’t it? . . . Never Judge a Book by It’s Cover . . .*
Comments/Questions/Concerns are always welcomed.
Real Nigga Shit (c) AK: Volume 13 – Have You No Couth?!? Things that Pissed me the F*ck Off in 2009
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: December 28, 2009
Yes, this is going to be an angry blog. I don’t have any sage advice, or things to think about for you this time. This is all about ME, and why I am always so damn angry. Yes, I have high standards. But in 2009, people went far beyond what I could excuse, and went right into just doing Dumb Shit. These are in no particular order, one is not more important than the other. Enjoy.
1) Nikki Minaj
Her name alone pisses me off. But it’s more what she seems to represent. Sub-par rap lyrics + Half Nekkid Whore Look = Success!
HAVE YOU NO COUTH?!?
I don’t wanna see you squatting spread eagle licking a lollipop. WTF, put that inside your album cover as a poster like Lil’ Kim did. You are trying to be like her right? Take a lesson from your mentor, she did it better. You can’t rap. At least Lil’ Kim has a sick ass flow.
You rap about dumb shit, and you empower dumb hood broads to say they are a Barbie Doll. WTF Dude! Not only did she sample, “I don’t wanna go to Mexico No More More More” {a childhood favorite of mine} in a gotdamn rap, but she she actually rhymed Bestest with the word asbestos. Really Heaux, Fucking Really?????
I hate you. I hope you read this and understand that I hate you. I might email it to you, but that would mean that you actually knew how to use a computer for more than cybersex and googling pics of Lil’ Kim. Sorry, I’ll put it in the mail for you.
2) Public Displays of Affection
I don’t diss your love. I congratulate you for your relationship. I do not, however, want to pull up into my parking spot and see you and your man dry humping in the building. This is your job heaux!
HAVE YOU NOT COUTH?!?!?
When was it EVER ok to be in front of the counter making out with your man? When!!!! And not only were you sucking his face, but you had the nerve to – on more than one occasion – move into the corner of the store, like I still couldn’t see you. BITCH THE WALLS ARE MADE OF GLASS!!! I F*cking See You! So does everyone else in the complex.
No matter how much you love your man, he should respect you enough to not have you looking like a dime store trick AT YOUR GOTDAMN JOB!!!!! I really had a mind to call corporate, because that shit was just inappropriate. Then he walked out the door when I walked up. Like I didn’t know all about his stroke game after watching him give his girl the dry-hump dick down for 20 minutes. Just dammit man. Speaking of asshole Boyfriends . . .
3) Asshole Boyfriends/Fiance’s/Husbands
The litany, All Men are Dogs, has been run into the ground. Most men aren’t dogs. There are those who have happy relationships without drama. They exist, someone just found them first. But the men/boys/assholes I’m seeing lately are like a whole new breed of man. This is the man that does his dirt, in the open, and doesn’t care who he hurts in the process.
HAVE YOU NO COUTH?!?!
2,457 strangers know all your business and the only girl who doesn’t accept your status as a douchebag is your girlfriend/fiance/wife. These men must have the Dick Game of the New Millennium, because I am truly baffled. Tiger Woods, you fucking IDIOT. The reason your dad got away with it was because your mother was Thai, and it wasn’t in her nature to cause a ruckus {No Relation}. But you go and marry a Swedish girl, and hump every waitress you could on the PGA Circuit, and you thought that was okay?
I blame Kobe’s Wife for starting this shit. Your husband was on trial for RAPE and you stayed. Now you got men humping anything with fake boobs and white teeth, and thinking that offering their wife some form of monetary reward to Stand By Her Man will suffice. I hate you Kobe’s Wife. This is All your Fault.
4) Stupid B*tch Girlfriends/Fiance’s/Wives
Let that Nigga GO! I don’t care how much he tells you he will never do it again, he’s going to. Unless he was raped, there was a point when he said to himself, Imma F*ck this girl, and I’m okay with it. She didn’t seduce him, she didn’t trap him, she got the dick down cuz he wanted to give it to her. Stop bitching to your girls about how you just don’t know how to keep your man, and let that nigga go! He don’t wanna be with you. And stop placing all the blame on the half nekkid heauxs at the club.
Have You No Self-Respect?!?! HAVE YOU NOT COUTH?!?!?
Why weren’t you there with him? Why would you let him go out to a club without taking care of him real quick? Why would you NOT question him the first time he lied? Why would you NOT kick his ass out the first time he came in at 4 in the morning, drunk and half dressed. Men do what we allow them to do. Stop blaming the other woman, and think about what you did/didn’t do to make him think you wouldn’t care what he did.
Love your self enough to know that someone else should love you. “Well, you know it’s hard for a big girl…” “Well you know it’s hard for us Dark Skinned Girls….” “Well you know it’s hard for men to date women who make more money than they do….” It’s not hard. Ya’ll don’t expect them to, so they don’t. If you have to change yourself to get him to pay attention to you, HE DIDN’T WANT YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE!
5) Internet Whores
In the era of FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter, Linked In, etc. The Rise of the Internet Whore can almost be scientifically charted. I miss the days of BlackPlanet and College Club, when all your business wasn’t out there, and you could pretend that you had self-respect. Now a days, all you need is a Skype, an email account, and a webcam, and you can whore yourself to the next man you meet.
HAVE YOU NO COUTH?!?!?
Not only are you building a reputation, but the internet is NOT the best way to prove your sexual prowess. You just think you sent that pic to @igottadick4u, you actually just got added to a file that he shares with all his friends, fraternity brothers, and twitter followers. I PERSONALLY have a file of FB Peen on my home computer, what makes me think dudes don’t have a file too?
You proving how slutty you can be doesn’t make him like you more. It won’t make him want to date you. All you get out of it is some Textual Seduction or some Fiber Optic Copulation. At the end of the day, you still look like a whore to those around you. Love yourself. Because he dont/won’t. He only talks to you on a regular because it costs $12.99 to get porn On Demand.
6) Negro Youth & Twitter
I know I already blogged about it, but dammit they keep doing dumb shit. I’m not even going to try to explain half the songs I hear on the radio. I’m not even going to go into how the educational system sets them up to fail. Not even going to pontificate on how Racism has gone from Jim Crow to James Crowe, Esq. Nope, not even going to talk about that.
I can just discuss recent Twitter Trending Topics. Besides the fact that they are often spelled wrong {#younoyourfat}, could the mindset of the youth be more fucked up. Twitter was fun until the niggers discovered it. Now my timeline is flooded with shit like,{ @bowwow614 I wanna be a Kappa, imma pledge next week}. And 40000000000 stupid ignorant females ReTweeting his shit. Not to mention #twitterafterdark
HAVE YOU NO COUTH?!?!?
Did you know that when you apply for a job the FIRST thing they do, before they even check your references, is google your name? They find your MySpace, FB, Twitter pages. Google indexes them. So unless you are smart enough to make all your pages private, there goes that job opportunity. You were wondering why they didn’t call you back, even though you were highly qualified. Could have been that FB Status you had up last night: {Lac3y ISukkGudDick 4MyManzNEm is watching Ghetto Chicks who suck Monster Dick #45. I’m learning alot!}
Get You Mind Right . . . . Just Dammit F*ck!
7) Chris Brown and Rihanna
Yes, this WHOLE THING Pissed me off. I don’t care if you think I’m wrong, it’s my f*cking opinion! Yes, Chris Brown beat her down. He beat her like she stole something. He was wrong, it’s never right to hit a woman, blah blah blah . . . BUT
It’s also never right to hit a man in his face. Or hit a person period. My uncles and Big Brothers all told me, if you hit a man in his face, you lose the right to say, But I’m a Girl. When you hit a man in his face, you are basically saying you are his equal, and he will beat you as such. That is the mindset of most men I know, right or wrong. I don’t care how mad at you I am, I will never hit you in your face { or hit you in the balls}. But really Walmart, REALLY?!?!?
HAVE YOU NO COUTH?!?!?!
Ya’ll can sell R. Kelly’s Albums, but you can’t put Chris Brown on the shelf?!?! R. Kelly PISSED ON AN UNDERAGED GIRL. IN HER MOUTH, ALL OVER HER. But Chris Brown is a horrible person?!? The issue had nothing to do with his talent as a singer. Yeah, the endorsements had to go, but to deliberately sabotage this young mans career. He made a mistake, his temper got the best of him. He apologized, her wore that damn BowTie, what more must he do!!! He was 19 at the time . . . R. Kelly was like 40.
Please Note:If you didn’t have such good deals on the groceries I needed, I would never shop in your stores. And if I bought music, I would never buy it from you. Know that I give your greeters the evil eye every time I walk in your store. And I never put my cart in the little cart thingie when I’m done. So there *insert head/neck/eye roll here*
This was a long one, so thanks for reading! Comments/Questions/Concerns are welcomed
CSBF Volume 9: Confessions of a Side Chick/Searching For MySelf
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: December 9, 2009
Part 1: Confessions of a Side Chick . . .
Hello, My Name is M.J. Williams, and I too have slept with Tiger Woods. Okay, not really. But everyone else is saying it, I wanna be famous too! {Real Talk, Tiger needs to start beating heauxs up, because this situation isn’t going to end well . . . at all!} I have said it before, and I will say it again . . . I have been a Side Chick. I have done it knowingly and even without knowing I had Side Chick status. Either way, I could quite easily wear a Side Chick Badge.
The Side Chick serves a very important role in society. She lets other women know what NOT to do. The Side Chick is there for your man, when you aren’t. Plain and Simple. Yes, men have a hard time being monogamous, but Love Shoulda Brought Your Ass Home Last Night. Be mad if you want, that is the truth. The Side Chick didn’t Wreak Your Home . . . She just picked up the pieces and/or picked up the slack.
The Side Chick also knows what she is doing is wrong. (And if she doesn’t, she has much bigger issues than just being the Side Chick) But more often than not, The Side Chick really doesn’t care how her actions affect others. Obviously her goal is to satisfy herself, or she wouldn’t be The Side Chick in the first place. She knows about his girl, hell she might have met her on occasion. But in that situation, the Pro’s definitely outweigh the Cons.
The Side Chick Mentality: We don’t really have to have a conversation on the phone. Text Messaging works just fine. Crank that Textual Seduction during the work day, and end our convo with, “I’ll be over after I get out of my Meeting @ 10.” We can talk after we take care of business, and even then please don’t try to make it a deep conversation – I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE! Also, I’m not trying to go see a movie, look longingly into your eyes, and cry as we watch Precious together. Let’s both get off, then you can go home.
Part 2: Searching for Myself
So back to my discussion with TBTLINYC. As I am talking about all this, and how whenever I actually start to look for a relationship what I will and will not put up with, He said, “Shut Up and Play Your Role.” EPIPHANY!
He really made me think. The Side Chick is a role that I played, because it suited me for a long period of time. Because if I meet a single male, whatever happens could possibly develop into a relationship, thus ruining this whole no strings attached thing I have been actively pursuing for the last two years.
On June 26, 2000 I stopped looking for my soul mate. I had found him. I lived in a bubble of love and understanding and someone who got me, FINALLY. Even when the bubble was initially burst, I just knew that wasn’t the end. We were meant for each other. So yes, I talked to other people, had bullshit relationships, patiently waiting for the time when he would figure out that we were meant for each other. He got MARRIED, still didn’t make me believe it was over.
The only child in me had found the PERFECT relationship. Like Amber said, “Being {in a relationship} requires you to dig deep within yourself to step up emotionally and physically through low times & appreciate someone who AIN’T You!” I have been quite lackluster in my search for a mate, because I’m still not ready to do that. So until I can find Myself, I will be Perfectly Lonely/Single .
Will I continue to be a Side Chick? I don’t want to end up being a liar and say, “Never Again will I ever do that.” [ Because he didn't get the title TGOMH for nothing] I will say, that my goals have changed. Also, all of my co-conspirators live 2096 miles away, so there is that. Let’s just say, there is a very good possibility that I won’t Play That Role anymore.
*Please Note: I am not trying to steal your man. This is a discussion of my past, not my current plans. Also, let’s not forget the man who has a Side Chick or 4 is an asshole.
Comments/Questions/Concerns/Rants Welcomed
Perfectly Lonely/Single
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: November 27, 2009
It was born from every woman’s innate fear that they will end up old and alone, with 150+ cats and no teeth. We all, secretly, have that fear. At that time the chorus of Beyonce’s Song, Scared of Lonely, really helped me put my thoughts and fears into words.
I’m Scared of Lonely
I’m scared of being the only
Shadow I see along a wall . . .And I’m scared the only heart beat
I hear a beating is my own
And I’m scared of been aloneI can’t seem to breathe when I am lost
In this dream, I need you to hold me
I’m Scared of Lonely . . .
So, a year has passed. How do I feel about being “alone” in a sea of happy loving relationships? At least four people very close to me are engaged. Every new person I have met since moving to Arizona is married or in a long term committed relationship. Three of my good friends who were scared of lonely right along with me, are now happy and content in the arms of a man who loves them. My personal feelings then,
“I am TERRIFIED of Lonely, cuz she’s a sneaky Hoe. Sitting in her ‘86 Ford Escort, with the souped up engine that her Ex bought her . . .That Bitch is there, waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance when something will trigger her to come back. . .
For such a long time, being single seemed to be portrayed as the ultimate failure for a woman. Somehow you weren’t doing something right, you weren’t good enough, you were somehow at fault for being another single female in this world. I don’t know when I realized that Single doesn’t equal Lonely or Alone. But I am so glad that I did!
Single Means: When it’s time for overtime at the office, you get called first, because you don’t have kids or a significant other that are waiting for you
Single Means: I choose what I want to do with my time
Single Means: I choose what I do with my money
Single Means: I can hit as many houses as I want to for the Major Get-Free-Food Holidays
Single Means: If I choose to spend all my money on an impromtu trip to Detroit, the only person who suffers is me
Single Means: I can be as selfish as I want to be!
Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of freeNothing to do
No one but me
That’s is all I needI’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
I’m perfectly lonely
Yeaah…
Cause I don’t belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me
I mean really! The man is a genius! But more than marveling, it made me think about the fact that I don’t answer to anyone but myself. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. And a great big F*ck You if you have a problem with it. I’m still entirely too selfish to be in a relationship right now, and that’s actually okay.
“Being married requires you to dig deep within yourself to step up emotionally and physically through low times & appreciate some1 who AINT U”
I can honestly say I am not ready for that, not at all. So until then, I am Perfectly Happy being Single! Big Ups to Natasha Bedingfield for this Oldie but Goodie!
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There’s no way I’m tradin’ places
Right now a star’s in the ascendantI’m single (Right now)
That’s how I wanna be
I’m single (Right now)
That’s how I wanna be !
Real Nigga Shit Volume 12: Men, Get Back Your Roar!
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: November 11, 2009
Men,
Do you wanna know why women talk/act so Wreckless, Wild, & Disrespectful?!?
CUZ WE FAILED’EM!!!
We bought into the media/society ideas of men & women being”completely equal”! Now look at what ya got?!
Back in the Day being a Man meant power! Now women always feel the need to test/question/challenge/define our manhood! Why? Cuz we allow’em too! But not me! I’m mad old school. I’m like one of dem brothers from the 70’s when men where men!
It used to be, when a man raised his voice, every woman in the vicinity would be @ attention
A.) Cuz a man was talking,
&
B.) Cuz more than likely what he was saying was important!
I find it so ironic that women will say with a straight face what a “real man” is. WTF? Last time I checked, God made Adam first, so how u gone tell a man what’s makes him a man?! Only a man can judge or criticize another man’s manhood!
Weak men are still men! Broke ass Men are still men! Lyin’ ass Men are still men! And Cheaters are Still men! Being a Man is not what u got, or how u act, or even what u do . . . .
It’s what sex you are!
Have u ever noticed, women – out their own mouths – say shit like “He acting like a bitch,” or “He acting like a female,” or “He acting like he on his period?” Out their own mouths they admit that women are not as strong as men!
I don’t think men should ever put their hands on a woman, because we’re not equal! But since it’s “the politically correct” thing to say, you got women challenging men and putting their hands on them everyday! The average Man could pulverize the average Female 80% of the time. So why are so many women so quick to step to a man?
Cuz we lost our “Roar”
A man’s “Roar” comes from his mindset. The mindset that, “I’m a man! What I say is what is!” I will treat a woman with respect & tenderness, Because she is woman. She may be weaker than me in strength, but she complements me. Because she is strong and compassionate, and has kindness – areas where men may lack.
Your “Roar” is heard even when u don’t speak. It is felt,it is sensed! I could write a book on this sh*t, I’m not gone even say anymore cuz I probably made enough people mad off the little that I just said.
But I will say this: I’m not sayin’ this becuz I’m a sexist. (Maybe a little but so what) I’m not sayin’ this becuz I’m a “Chauvinist,” I’m sayin’ this becuz I’m a MAN!!!!
Hear me ROAR!!! My ROAR soundz like a Silverback Gorilla mixed with a Lion!
What does your Roar sound like Sir?
**************************************************************
Look at my Lil’ Cousin, just spitting the truth! I’m So Proud! What did you think guys?
Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: November 2, 2009
No Promo
Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}
For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.
Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.
Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model
Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla
Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything
Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father
Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)
Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved
Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady
Role Models: Nicky Minaj
Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes
Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior
Role Models: None
Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter
Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision
Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc
Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.
Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit
Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected
Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth
Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy
We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!
Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated
Ms. Risa Explains It All: You Forgot You Were a N*gger
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: September 18, 2009
Dear Rich & Famous Black People,
I know this might come as a shock to you. But You, are Still, a Nigger. Doesn’t matter how much money you have, or how many white friends you have in your perspective industries. You are still a Nigger. Oh No, they would never call you that to your face, ever. Because they are hip and understanding. They feel for you and you inner Nigger angst, and feel bad for their ancestors part in your Nigger Pain and Suffereing. Hell, they even voted for Obama! How’s that for being down for the cause?!?
And yes, the White Masses, they love you. As long as you are spending your money on frivolous shit. Keep buying cars, and gym shoes, and jewelry from Jacob the Jeweler. Keep spending $100,000 on a purse or a vacation. Keep mortgaging houses so you look good for the next season of Real Housewives of Some City where Black People Live. They will sign that pay check that keeps you on TV, because they laugh at the Step and Fetch It routine you have perfected.
But please remember Rich & Famous Black People, you are still a Nigger.
They aren’t hanging you from a tree, because they can just hang you on television. They don’t have to put Coloreds Only at the door of the Club, because you stay in your area anyway. They don’t have to limit your resources, because we all know the only thing you will ever be good at is Sports and Entertainment. They don’t have to have a telethon to help your community, because you are too busy Choking Internet SuperStars.
Rich Black People, I know this seems harsh. I know you feel as though I am attacking you out of no where, without any form of evidence or validation. And never would I want to persecute the Nigger Race without facts. So Allow me to show you, Point By Point, what has provoked me to remind you that You – Yes You, Rich & Famous Black Person that you are - are indeed still a Nigger.
Example #1: The Unfortunate Demise of Football Star Steve McNair
Just because you are famous, doesn’t mean you can just go around and mingle with everyone. Or at least if you mingle, know what you are getting yourself into. How many interracial couples have you seen that involve an Arab/Muslim Woman and a Black Man? Just Sayin’. It’s not done. Sure, Love can transcend all boundaries, but usually, it’s done in secret in other states so your family doesn’t see. Maybe If you aren’t from Tha D, you don’t understand. But Steve McNair forgot He Was a Nigger. That girl’s Family would rather see her DEAD, than see her with Steve McNair.
*Historical Reference: Emmet Till was Beaten and Murdered for “whistling” at a White Woman
Example #2: The Kanye West/Taylor Swift Incident
But Jump on Stage and snatch the mic from the “White Virginal” Taylor Swift, all hell broke loose. He had to go on Leno. He had to blog an apology twice. He had to talk to her momma. He had to call her. The President called him a jackass. Rush Limbaugh got all in his ass for days on end. What is the difference between 2005 and Now? Kayne “attacked” a country Music Star. A WHITE Country Star. The Young, Virginal Embodiment of Country Music. And they will not stand for that! Kayne might have good music, but he is still just a Nigger with Swirly Shit in his head. Who showed up on the Red Carpet, with a half full Bottle of Hennesy. Because there is NOTHING more Niggerish than ‘Henny.
Example #3: Jimmy Carter vs. Barack Obama
“I think people who are guilty of that kind of personal attack against Obama have been influenced to a major degree by a belief that he should not be president because he happens to be African American.
“It’s a racist attitude, and my hope is and my expectation is that in the future both Democratic leaders and Republican leaders will take the initiative in condemning that kind of unprecedented attack on the president of the United States,” Carter said.
President Obama immediately stepped up and said Carter was wrong, and it wasn’t racism. At first I was hella pissed to read that. Then I remembered, Obama is still a Nigger. What do you think would have happened if he had been like, “Yeah. All them Crackers is Racist!” We would all be in mourning. Call President Obama an Uncle Tom, a Weak Man if you want. But he is trying to keep his life.
Some will rebuke me for saying all this, for letting the truth be known. But it’s been weighing on my heart for a while. We are not very far removed from a time when the FBI was actually legally allowed to go into a Black Man’s Home and massacre him under the guise of protecting the American People from Radical Hate Groups (read: The Black Panther Movement). December 4, 1969 is NOT just Sean Carter’s Birthday. {You like how I found a way to bring this all back to Jigga, don’t you} Google FBI CounterIntel-Pro one day . . . Will blow your mind.
I’m not a radical, these aren’t off the wall thoughts. I’m just a person who knows my history, and got the rude awaking in 2006 that even I, the Greatest Token Negro of all Time, was still seen as JUST a Nigger. Please Refer to my Notes My Fight With the Man Parts 1 & II for more on that Rude Awakening.
In the eyes of the people who still run this country, YOU ARE STILL A NIGGER. It would serve you well, not to forget that.
Sincerely,
Radical Nigger who Knows her History
Real Nigga Shit (c) AK Volume 11: I’m So Ambitious . . .
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: September 7, 2009
Life’s a Game, but It’s not Fair,
I Break the Rules so I Don’t Care.
So I’ll keep doing my Own Thing,
Walking Tall Against the Rain.Victory’s within the Mile,
Almost There, Don’t Give Up Now,
Only Thing That’s on My Mind,
Is Who’s Gonna Run This Town Tonight?
It’s been a while, RNS Readers. I had to wait for the proper motivation. My motivation today comes from an entire 72 hours listening to nothing but Jay-Z (there was a brief Eminem Interlude inspired by his Flyness on Renegade). I didn’t know I was a Jay-Z Fan, until I looked through my MP3 library, and noticed I have EVERY album. Even most of the underground Mixtapes. I might not have listened to them, but I have them. And I BOUGHT his albums. Like on CD. Who does that?!?
Even though I downloaded The BluePrint 3, I already ordered my copy from Amazon.com, so I will own that one too. I am almost proud of myself for being Loyal to Jigga for this long. (I can’t even be loyal to what kind of ToothPaste I Like!) I didn’t even listen to him until college, but I quickly understood that he knew what he was talking about. Going through his entire Discography this weekend, I realized WHY I Love Jay-Z . . .
Evolution . . .
Sean Carter aka Jigga aka Iceberg Slim aka S. Carter (You Must Try Harder) aka Hova aka Jay-Z has evolved. He went from Rappin’ about the Dope Game, to rappin’ at the Inauguration of the First Black President. In Less than 15 years.
People can claim to be a Role Model, but do they know what that means? Soulja Boy swears he’s a Mogul-in-the-Making, but that Fool can’t even spell his name. Everyone isn’t meant to be the next leader of the generation. What has T-Pain done for the Youth, other than lead them into his personal land of Coonery?
Yeah, Diddy was tweeting about the Protests on Howard’s Campus (where he attended, but didn’t graduate) but what group has he ever created and given financial freedom to? The reason he is so rich is because he owns the Publishing to every group he has ever worked with. Back to MJ and Jodeci. So yeah, he is ballin out of control, and is Locked In for the Cause . . . But he’s more of the problem than he is the solution.
Some would say, you can’t look up to a former Drug Dealer. Why Not? Stupid Republican folks look up to a Former Drug Addict (Rush Limbaugh)and a Flaming Idiot (Glenn Beck). Yeah, he was a Drug Mogul . . . But that isn’t where he stayed. He was smart enough to realize that this might pay the bills, but it would also get him killed. So he moved on. Look at the things he has done since he left the drug game, they far outweigh his years on the street.
Nowadays, folks listen for a good hook and a cute dance move. But Lyrically, he didn’t name those albums The Blueprint for nothing. He’s like GIVING people the key to be as big as him. But instead, they listen to Durrough and T-Pain and look for strippers and cars with an Ice Cream Paint Job.
Every person you consider a close friend should be down for your cause. And not just think it’s a good idea, but be actively willing to help you reach that goal. Providing you the motivation you need when you are afraid to fail. Even if they think in their head you are going to fall on your face, they still should be down to ride.
I have surrounded myself with so many people who enable me to be less than what I am. After a while, you stop believing in yourself. You get yourself stuck in a rut, and you can’t figure out which way is out.
Cut them Busters LOOSE! I
f they aren’t on your level, and they aren’t trying to get there, why are you with them again? I’d rather not get to talk to you when I want to because we are both busy making something of ourselves, to be honest. If either one of us is easily accessible all the time, what the F*ck are we doing?
This is not a F*ck you to all those people I don’t talk to very often, it’s just a call to arms. Are you on your Grind? Are you on the corner hustlin’ or are you on the Couch watching TV. When you think about where you will be in the next 5 years, does it include the words Debt Free? or Does it include the words, Dealing with the same BullSh*t?
I Love that Song, really I do! It speaks the truth about so much. Why do men put so much emphasis on getting Money? Power? Fame? Because they are all trying to get laid. Here is my question?
What kind of P-U-S-S-Y are you trying to get?
Because it seems to me that ya’ll are doing all that work to get sub-standard affection? Club Hoes are the one’s who are benefiting from your hard work. You worried about that cough you got since you hit up that chick at Club Esco last week, meanwhile she is on to the next dude that bought her a drink.
Who are you trying to impress?
It must not be real females. Because RNS, We ain’t Impressed. Everything you have, you worked for. So Did We! You spend all your time working, to give your money away. That’s like renting a Condo, don’t make no sense. Then you get mad because the Club Hoe you thought was gone be the Bonnie to your Clyde has 4 Baby Daddies and 2 Kids, has been on Maury 6 Times, and has a bad case of the Herp. Yeah, that P-U-S-S-Y was powerful, and you ain’t the only one who thought so.
Plans Change. At the age of 20, I was going to be the world’s best teacher, changing the way that people taught children. At the age of 24, I was gonna save the Black Youth in Detroit, one non-reading 3rd Grader at a time. At 26, my home daycare was going to revolutionize the industry. At 27, I’m going to use my verbal skills to mold the minds of Teachers, who will then go back and change their students lives.
Sh*t Happens. So does Toilet Paper. Clean up your mess, and move the F*ck on!
If one thing doesn’t work out, you HAVE to move on to the next one. I am still helping children, which has been my underlying goal since I was 10 and I thought I was going to be a pediatrician. I just have to keep adjusting the way that I am doing it. Flexibility isn’t just good in the bedroom (shout out to that Downward Dog Position I just Learned in Yoga) If you aren’t willing to change your habits when you are kicked out of your comfort zone, when will you be?
Because I was actually listening to some of Jay-Z’s lyrics, and the bomb ass interview he did on Real Time with Bill Maher, I realized that his main ambition was not only changing his environment, but finding new environments to Explore and Conquer. I mean, that’s in the Bible. Evolution, moving past what you know, and seeking things you don’t. Understanding that you have a higher purpose, that you aren’t meant to work at McDonald’s or Meijer’s or Kroger’s forever, unless you are working your way up the Corporate Food Chain.
I leave you friends with the Chorus to So Ambitious, my favorite Song on The BluePrint 3
The Motivation For Me
was Them Telling Me What I Could Not Be, Oh WellI’m So Ambitious . . .
{sic}Hey I’m on A Mission
No Matter What The ConditionsF*ck all your PERSONAL ISSUES
When You Know What I Been ThroughHey, If You Believe It,
Then You Can Conceive It
Comments are Always Welcome!
Diane Warren Ruined my Life (or, I’m So Sick of Love Songs)
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: July 31, 2009
Now before you say that I am blaming that white woman for the problems that affect me and my friends, listen to my case okay.
Quick, name the first song you heard that made you think to yourself, “Damn, I can’t wait to be in Love.” That Heffa Wrote it. Was your song I Turn To You when Christina Aguilerra sang it? Or was that song, The Arms of the One Who Loves You . Or maybe, if you don’t listen to R & B, it was How Do I Live (the Trisha Yearwood Version) .
All those songs, She is responsible for. All the Bullshit, that people have been made to believe about what love really is, she wrote it. Just sending those words out into the world all willy nilly. With no warning labels or NOTHING! I wonder how she does it? Does she just sit down at her piano and think, “How can I cause some young girl to think that a random dude is heaven on earth.” She probably does just that. Then she cackles her Evil Succubus Cackle, and begins to write her “Masterpieces of Love.”
Pretty Much the gist of this song is: Regardless of what I think is right, true, or sane – I Will Do Whatever You Ask Me To Do. Like The United States Postal Service before me, I won’t let Rain, Hail, Sleet or Snow stop you from getting what you want in life. Because that is what real loov is all about!
I will be your savior, do things normally impossible, because I Love You. Who the hell is this woman?!?! Like who sits at home like, “I would Do this for someone, I think I will write a song about it.” As a 14 year old girl, if this is what you are hearing on the radio, and you don’t have a solid background to explain that this is FICTION and DayDreams, this is your definition of love! Are you Serious? People wonder why young women stay in Horrible Relationships, long after a sane people would have left . . . DIANE FUGGIN’ WARREN!
First of all, this song is great. But that’s beside the point. The real point I am trying to make, is once again, listening to this song fugged up my view of what Love/Relationships should be about. According to this song, when you can’t make it, it’s the job of the person you love, or the person who is in love with you, to make everything better. Because let’s face it, You can’t do anything on your own. You can’t solve your own problems, you need a significant other to fix the broken pieces of your life. How unfortunate for those of us that are single, and alone in the world. We will never be loved the “Right Way.” Never know what “Real Love” is like, until we have someone who loves us. Someone who would go above and beyond the call of duty, just to make us feel loved.
Are you starting to understand why I Hate Diane Warren yet?
No?!?!
Okay, I will give you another example.
Just to show that I’m not biased, and think it’s only the songs that women sing that are ruining the lives and relationships of the people I know, I’ll use this song for example. It pretty much follows the same vein as the first 2 “Love Songs” I mentioned above. I’ll do anything you ask me to do, because that is what being in love means. But what happens when the man you love, doesn’t do that? What happens when you aren’t his first priority, and he doesn’t move heaven and earth to make you happy?
You break up with him. Call him a selfish bastard who doesn’t care about you at all. You make all kinds of mix CD’s with all the Love Songs you grew up listening to, so that you can remind yourself how that man failed you.
Did you ever think that maybe you were the one who was wrong? Of Course Not! Diane Warren and all the rest of these songwriters who write beautiful love songs never tell us we are wrong. Then, just when you think that maybe you were a tad bit harsh, maybe you jumped to the wrong conclusion, maybe you should try talking to the person you love about how you feel and what you expect, Diane Fuggin’ Warren sends you a song that let’s you know you were right all along!
This is such a beautiful song. It’s all about getting over the person who did you wrong, and rising above all the pain. I have a friend who considers this song part of the reason she was able to get over her 10 year abusive relationship. But for some of us who live vicariously through music, this song subtly tells us that we don’t really need that asshole man. Oh, No. There is someone even better out there. Someone who will love us like Celine, and Monica, and Meatloaf said they should.
This is why I am so sick of Love Songs. Because they don’t tell the truth. Yes, there are songs out there that are realistic about live and love. I suggest all things India Arie. I was going to say Anthony Hamilton, but I recently discovered one of my favorite songs by him, “Do You Feel Me?” from the American Gangster Soundtrack was written by none other than Diane Fuggin’ Warren. She is tainting EVERYONE. Ne-Yo is running a close second though.
How do you create a song CALLED “So Sick (of Love Songs) then spend the next THREE DAMN YEARS writing them for other people. Hypocrite Much? I must say, there are some songs that continue to touch my heart, that will forever hold a place in my heart, even though I know they are complete and utter bullshit. But I think the first step to not being sucked into Diane Warren’s web of Lies and Deceit is the be on guard!
So I wrote this blog for you friends, to make sure I exposed you to the TRUTH. For it shall set you free. Diane Warren has forever skewed my view of Love. Forever made me find songs that match how I feel about whoever I am dating/sexing/crushing. Sing songs while I’m driving because I’m just that in Love. She doesn’t have to do the same for you. There is still hope that you will stop listening to songs, and LIVE YOUR LIFE. Stop letting Love Songs guide you down the Path of MisUnderStanding, and instead embrace Your Heart. Not Diane Warren’s.
Because Face It, it’s probably a dark soulless abyss that leads straight to hell.
Not that I am Judging her, I’m Just Sayin’.
Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 7: Why I Love Black Men
Posted by: Mz. Joy on: July 26, 2009
If you knew me in college, this title has already thrown you off. Because you probably remember the day I skipped all my classes my Sophomore Year to sit in Kennedy Union to stick up for my statement, “There is a 30% chance that I will marry a Black Man. They aren’t even what I’m attracted to.” Yes, I made that statement. I meant that shit. That statement made it to all the black people on my Predominately White Campus is less than an hour. Keep in Mind, this was the year 2000 . . . No Twitter, no Facebook, no MySpace, just phones and text messaging. I was in KU for about 5 hours, and the discussion was intense! I lost the respect of a few people that day, and I don’t know If i ever got it back. Nine years later, what has changed?
My environment. I was raised around the Pale People, went to school with them, shopped in their areas, pretty much spent my time with them. So you like what you KNOW. Yeah, our house was in Detroit until I was 14, but I didn’t do anything at my house. The only people I played with on my street were family, literally. So when college was over, after The One that Got Away broke my lil heart, I exposed myself to more black folks, in the hopes of finding his replacement. Don’t Judge, you’ve done it too. So now, my Ode to the Black Men I Know, Love, and Appreciate. (This might not be for those under the age of 18, Thought I would put that out there)
There is a reason Taye Diggs is one of the most popular black actors, and was cast in like every other movie in the later 90’s and early 00’s. It’s not his superb acting ability. It’s the scene in “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” when he’s walking around the corner, and see’s Stella, and had that beautiful smile on his face. Lord Jesus, I just lightweight shivered thinking about it.
A well kept black man’s mouth makes you want to just grab his face and thoroughly investigate the nooks and crannies . . . with your tongue. Or is that just me? Did I go too far? Does it matter, this is my note. I can say what I want. White Teeth set me off . . . they do! Also, men, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep your facial hair tight. If you have discovered you get more attention with facial hair, don’t shave it off. Because the same women who liked you with facial hair, don’t like looking at you now. It’s weird. The proper Goatee/chin strap/Beard can get the BUSINESS. Have Beautiful Teeth too . . . .OVER!
That visual you just got . . . Yeah Buddy! Something about a bald head on a black man. Especially a dark Skinned Black Man, whew! Just smooth and round and pretty. Let me focus before I make some phone calls. There is a draw back to this one ladies. Those men that have Bumpy Lumpy Weird Shaped heads. Know your strengths men, honestly. Every man doesn’t look good with a bald head. Take Ne-Yo for example. If that negro had taken that hat off one more time on the Coon Awards, I would have had to vomit. That isn’t sexy, put your M’Fin hat back on boy! That is why you wear them. But know that, when the right man has the RIGHT shaped head, and keeps it looking right and not scruffy . . . GRRRRRRRRRRR!
I was in the airport on my way back to the Black Man’s Barren Wasteland that is Tucson Arizona, and I almost got beat up in the airport. In front of me in line was the most beautiful black man I had ever seen. He must have been on his way to or from a meeting. It’s 9 in the morning, he had on a 3-piece, Italian Cut, Black with Gray Pinstripes suit. And on his feet, the non-ghetto Stacy Adams, yes I do know mens shoes. The Lady Behind me was Arabic, and I heard her say, GOT Damn! I turned around and said, I AGREE! Living out here, you don’t see that much, but that mental picture stays with me. A Black man in a Suit is kryptonite for me. He could be ugly as hell, but that suit, if it fits right, might give him a pass . . .
Not the 26 year old Virgin is making a statement! But Y”ll know it’s true. Not just because they come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, but theoi level of concentration (in the Important moments) is infinite. It’s really not fair that I say this, due to the fact that I haven’t had sex with people other than Black Men, but still. We all hit RedTube up once in a while, and I have tried to watch the regular stuff. That lasts about 30 secs, then it’s on to Ebony. I have fooled around with a Rainbow Coalition of Men, and the difference is PALPABLE. It just is. I’m going to end this one just like that, because I do have Family on FB . . .
My Girls already know, and I am willing to admit. I have never talked to a Black Man who wasn’t Greek. No, I’m not a groupie (unless they are Que, then the jury is still out) but It’s just something about a Black Greek Man who knows how to handle his business. He has his priorities in order, knows what his goals are, and then pursues it. Not all Black Greek Men are like this, but the ones that I find attractive are. I will admit, I was sucked into the Matrix on this one. Two dudes, same qualifications and looks. If one is Greek, I will choose him, and often times not even know he’s Greek. It comes up later.
Without Fail, every man I have been attracted too, Stalked, or Tried to Holla at was Greek. Even more sad, I can usually look at a group of Black Men and tell you what Org they belong to. I have only been wrong once, and that wasn’t my fault. When have YOU ever seen a Kappa with Dreads down to his ass???!!!???? Considering I didn’t start “dating” Until I turned 18, and I was already a Zeta by then, I guess I was going for what I knew. Yes, there are beautiful black men who aren’t Greek (Crank that Barack Obama) but the Greek World is small, and since dudes use it as a dating pool, why shouldn’t we?
This Note turned out differently than I thought it was going to, LOL. There are more reasons that I love the Black Man, but evidently I had to explain why I am Attracted to them. Yes, the reasons I have listed might seem superficial, but if they don’t meet these requirements, they won’t ever get to the Getting to Know You Phase, where the benchmarks are much more stringent. Just like men tell women all the time, you are nice just not my type . . . I know my type. I LOVE my Type. I’ve noticed that the past often dictates the future. You find one person that ISN’T your type, and they treat you right, they become your type. You are always going to look for someone who reminds you of that person, whether you know it or not.
