2011 in Review: The World of @ImNotAJeaux

Last year, I created a list of quotes on my FB Page, based on things I had seen/heard/done. I obviously stole the idea from my Frat Brother Kevin, but I still did it.  This year, instead of quotes, I am going to list the Tweets that I Favorited this year. As with the quotes, no names will be posted (Unless I said It, or it was a response to a Celeb), just the tweets.  It’s up to you to guess who said it, and in what context.  Enjoy!

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Word of the year from my dad: It’s not about gettin your Dick of Coochie on.  Get yourself in order

You ever be on Wikipedia and see a dudes name and be like, “Damn I’ve seen that nigga naked?” Yeah, Me neither . . . 0_o

Listening to John Cry Baby Boenher’s Speech . . . It sounds like, “Blah blah blah, defeat the nigger.  Blah Blah Blah, kick his ass”

RT @Tyrese Food is todays crack heroin&every other drug out there. There is NO DIFFERENT when you can’t STOP YOURSELF • ur Retard is showing

If I ever go to the clink, fuck Jordans and Magazines, BTICH SEND ME SOME OLAY. With the Body Butter ribbons

Dear Airport workers. I’m fat. You have Body Scan . . . Sorry. BWHAHAHAHA

I just farted in the line at the grocery store. Old white dude standin behind me.  Gonna do it again

Her: I’ve on fuzzy socks, sweatpants, nite shirt, hoodie, throw blanket, and a comforter & I’m still cold Me: bitch, U have Herpes her: Oh ok

I’m not a whore, I just have a friendly Pussy

I was thinking of faking being a douche to trick a female into liking me. But then she’d leave once I held the door for her.

 

Kid1: Who is this singing? Me: TLC Kid2: The Learning Channel has a singing group? Me: Son of a gotdammit…just fuck

Then again . . . this is Twitter. Where I’m either preaching tot he choir or offending people

That’s because you work with nigger babies. I have Caucasian and Hispanic Children, half of them don’t understand slang

Hell, fuck a Senator. I’m just glad I’m a fat black lady. I got that “Mammy Safe Chest” thing going, it keeps me safe.

Once you go black . . . you’re a single mom.

Don’t be made at me and her.  Shoulda joined a sorority that gave u a backbone instead of feeding you neckbones -_-

Dear Koolaid, How does it feel to the official drink of an Entire Nationality.  Black People thank you. Sincerely, Me

Clearly y’all (The Zetas) need to recruit the First Lady, u know cuz she’s big on getting rid of Obesity Me:BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

The front-facing camera may well be the end of ugly chicks gettin play off their phone voice.

Waiting for the announcement of the Breezy/Bieber tour w/ Special Guests Jaden & Willow Smith….. I would buy tickets, iWould #TeamBreezy

Far East Movement: the only music group withOUT groupies cuz of the Dick Rumors

Her: u hate him why Me: He kicked her dog! No one deserves to get beat unless their name is Rihanna, but who is kicking dogs tho Her: IHateU

Him: Do we call White Jesus on the mainline, Or is that black Jesus Me: indian Jesus  answers the mainline, outsourcing

$5 on Ciara because Ms. Island crazy is all talk, but clearly got her ass beat by a dude driving a stick shift • #SheGetsMe

RiRi probably said the same shyt before Breezy rearranged her face… #imjussayin • EXACTLY. I stay tellin folk she provoked

Obviously, Rihanna can take a beating and keep on ticking so…… • You Ain’t Shit At All

RT @rihanna Ciara baby, I love u girl! U hurt my feelings real bad on TV! I’m heartbroken! That’s y I retaliated this way!• #SheAintShit

And the war of SubPar singers just got deeper….Beyonce is drinking melted gold with Gwenyth singing Fuck You with Jigga and Chris laughing

If @rihanna & @Ciara really do fight it better be in baby oil & cost $12.99 for 3 hrs. Other than that they both can STFU (it needs 2Happen)

RT @ciara Rhi u know its always been love since day 1! Apology accepted. Let’s chat in person • you dumb bitch. She was being SARCASTIC

I know we all have our issues….but twitter is NOT the place to beg your parents/Significant Others/Friends to love you. Get A Blog.

Adele is like, i’m fat & redheaded & i smoke & i wear side ponytails & bitch you will bow to my musical flawlessness • THIS

Bitches get sensitive about dumb inconsequential shit. I feel like saying, Shut Up Heaux, he just said Hi

Months? You bleed for months.. and don’t die? #WolverineTweet • Im what u call a strong heaux

RT @OMGFacts Lady Gaga wrote her new single “Born This Way” in ten minutes!. • yeah, we could tell…

I like to imagine that pretty women don’t take shits. They excrete sunshine, blueberry muffins, and good credit.

I don’t understand how Nate Dogg didn’t have money for his funeral? Holdddd up. Waiiiiiiiiiiit….

Dear Dwayne, Seriously, I just wanna lick your tattoos. Twice. And maybe call u Daddy. But that’s it. Sincerely, A Fan.

Oh. Yeah. He’s got the opposite of the jungle fever – uhh…the cul-de-sac cold? • #HeAintShyt but iLaughed..

#Random I feel like horn players probably give REALLY good head. Like good breathing control, lip and tongue control…I’m probably right

Can’t keep up w/ u & ur nicknames & acronyms, that’s like keeping up with the latest nigger words for “Dressed quite spiffy”

FOX News gone be like, “This has nothing to do with Pres Obama, he died of Kidney Failure.” – Thanks to @Luvvieig I was twitter famous for hours for this one!

I just realized I have no clue about negro “holidays”. Do we barbecue on Juneteenth? Do we get tested for Diabetes on Sweetest Day?

So Cinco de May is like Juneteenth for those spicy people, no??

Its not secret RT @ImNotAJeaux Why is LeBron almost as much of a Bitch as Kobe. Is there a secret Bitch Basketball Players club?

Shit said over the phone: I’ve had many a dick in my mouth

Men my age think their girlfriend should be a Heauxtrepreneur. A heaux in the bedroom, & an independent women everywhere else

If I point out a character flaw in u, its cuz U don’t seem 2 kno its there. I kno I’m fucked up. This is how I’m superior.

I don’t even know Ebe, but my credit score dropped 6 points just typing her name

You Bear In The Big Blue House looking, Avon makeup wearing, wet, wild and willy looking BITCH.

For all yall Captain Save a Clown Face Hoe.. Notice the person cunt punting Ebe’s hijab aint got SHIT to do with FGS..

If this is a ploy to get me to spend more money on extra sauces, yall can get the McFuck outta here wit that @McDonalds.

#Fact I predict baby Jayoncé will be born sometime between January 4th and February 4th. Also, its twins. Jayoncé and Beyen. #MarkMyWords

Floyd might be an asshole…but I wanna lick his teeth tho. They so pretty.

Don’t judge me. His teeth look like they taste like Wintergreen and Wealth.

Ray J will get arrested on a weapons charge within 3 months….favorite this

Me: Oral sex in moving vehicle is the reason our economy has collapsed Him: ?? Me: Cuz the need to have that happen on a regular basis is why white men got greedy.

Her: Clearly you’re smarter than the average….Zeta. Me: You could have said Bear, as those words are synonymous Her & Me: BWHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fat girls be having such pretty faces and awesome personalities• u forgot huge boobs and well lubricated vaginas

that’s right, you speak Oklahoma Negro. Lemme try again: gunshot, tornado, tumbleweed rustle, gunshot, icebox, intolerance.

Otis is SUCH a bitch Made NIGGA. LIKE REALLY THE BIGGEST BITCH EVER. YES. YOU, ARE A BITCH. SERIOUSLY. A BITCH.

You better get you a jaded older woman with a career, at least 4 digits before the decimal point each check, and a high libido.

Justin Beiber is 2 years away from neck tattoos, domestic abuse, and possession charges…favorite this tweet

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Yes, that was My Year, in Tweets.  The Introspective Blog is coming . . . I Just Needed a Laugh for right now!

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 17: We All Want Love

First, let me start by saying, yes I’m still single.  For those of you who follow me on Twitter or FB, you might have seen me referring to my recent life situation . . . but let me assure you, I am single.

All that being said, let me also say I am still a Shirt Wearing Member of #TeamBreezy.  But I can appreciate a good Album, and Talk that Talk by Riri FiveHead is just a good ass album.  So good in fact, it’s inspired me to write this blog.  It could actually fall into Words and Sounds of Me, but this blog is more about relationships than the music. Now that that’s all out of the way, please press Play, and Let Us Begin . . .

 

I can pretend that I’m not lonely 
But I’ll be constantly fooling myself 
I can pretend that it don’t matter 
But I’ll be sitting here lying to myself

Sometimes, in our efforts to pretend that being Strong, Black {or Insert Your Race Here}, and Independent keeps us warm at night, we lie to each other.  ”I don’t need the stress of a relationship, I’m trying to focus on my career.” We laugh with our girlfriends about how we see heauxs at the club, just trying to get chose.  ”I would never have my ass hanging out like that, just to get a dudes attention.” But when we go home, and get into our beds, we secretly admit to ourselves how nice it would feel to get chose.

We all want someone there to hold 
We all wanna be somebody’s one and only 
We all wanna be warm when it’s cold 
No one wants to be left scared and lonely

For much of this year, I have been alone.  Not just lonely, but ALONE. None of my friends – my close friends anyway – live anywhere near me.  I saw ONE of my best friends this year, just one of them.  I haven’t seen my mother in more than a year.  I’ve lived this stressful year, alone.  So yes, I know what being lonely feels like.  I also know that most of my friends judge me for putting myself in my current situation.

So I guess I’m a fool, I’m a fool in love
But I’m willing to stay here, And bask in the glory of his heart
I guess I’m a fool in love . . . 
But I’m willing to look so stupid, ‘Till I’ve had enough.

When I wake up every morning, I’m happy.  I haven’t been able to say that for a VERY long time.  Yes, just 6 months ago, this same person shattered my world into like, a gazillion pieces.  But before that happened, I was HAPPY.  I know the difference between Happy and Content.  I’m going  for Happy right now, because Content is a LONG way away.  I’m learning, Love takes many different forms. A Mother’s Love is unconditional {in most cases}. It’s always going to be there.  No matter what dumb ass life choices you make, your mother is going to be there to help you pick up all the pieces.  {My} Father’s Love is solely based on whether or not I need something from him.  It’s there, underneath the clouds of smoke, and looks of disappointment, but if I was relying on it, I’d die.

You see a monster, I see a smile
You say it’s danger, And I’m in denial
But somehow I feel so safe right now

Your friends, the family that you have chosen just want you to be Safe and Happy.  They want you to make decisions that they understand, and they can justify.  Because I understand this, because I have felt the EXACT same way because of my friend’s life choices, I can’t be hurt that no one understands mine.  Does it hurt, yes it does.  But at the end of the day, they aren’t here to hold me and keep me warm at night, are they?

Cause you know how to give me that, You know how to pull me back
When I go runnin, runnin . . . Tryin’ to get away from loving ya
You know how to love me hard, I won’t lie, I’m falling hard
Yep, I’m falling for ya but there’s nothin wrong with that

In trying to listen to all my friends thoughts/opinions, and worrying about what everyone else would think, I’ve stopped myself from being honest.  In real life, I go to sleep with his arms around me, and wake up looking in his face..  Nope, we aren’t dating.  Nope, I’m not in a relationship.  I’m just Happy.  And right now at the end of 2011 aka the Year From Hell, that’s enough.

I’m able to close my eyes, Yet my heart’s not so blind
I feel so entitled, LOVE OWES ME . . . I want what’s mine
And some say love ain’t worth the buck
But I’ll give ‘em the last dime, To have what I’ve only been dreaming about.

Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do . . .

Let start off my saying, I’ve grown alot as a person in the last 10 months.  I’ve become a mature adult, and started to understand so many things about this wonderful world we are currently living in.  But I haven’t lost my GOT DAMN MIND! I am going to be voicing my opinions, if they offend you, I don’t care.  I’m an adult, and I can say what the FCUK I want, dammit. Shyt.

1) Show Up at A Girl’s House At 5 In the Morning.

Okay, first, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE???? Who does that? I was minding my own business, sleeping in my comfortable ass bed, when I hear a voice from afar . . . “Hey {Insert My Name Here}. It’s He’s So Pretty.  I got kicked out of my house. “

My response, “Are you Fcuking Serious right now?“

Mind you, I would consider this dude a friend.  He’s cool, but a flake.  He has baby momma issues, and that’s HIS shyt. But are you for real right now? Did you just show up at my apartment at 5 in the morning, and we have NEVER had sex, weren’t looking to create a relationship, nothing.  We are just friends? WHO. DOES. THAT?!?!?! There are so many things WRONG with this situtation, like so many things.

• Why didn’t you call me first?
• Why in the Ass Fcuk Hell is it 5 in the morning?
• Why the hell did you show up at MY house?

And like an IDIOT, I actually opened the door.  I blame it on the fact that I wasn’t fully awake.  I said, “Chill on the couch, I will deal with you when I wake up.” Do you know, THIS mu’fcuka had the nerve to try to follow me into my bedroom.  OMG, first thing that came out of my mouth, “Have You LOST YOU FCUKING MIND?” He had the audacity, the unmitigated GALL, to look HURT. Then left in a huff.  MOTHER FCUK! Then, he sends me an EMAIL saying sorry.

About That . . . . Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do.

2) Pretend to be Over Something If You Aren’t

Dear Otis Toussaint, this is directed toward you.  Get Over that SHYT. Yes, the comment was made, it CLEARLY hurt your feelings.  But how much of a bitch are you going to be about the situation.  Telling only your side of the story to people, acting like a useless victim is cowardly, and stupid.  For some reason, you forget to mention calling people Fat Bitches, Cunts, and a plethora of other things.  You forgot to mention that you lied to my face, then tried to call me out on Facebook, less than 12 hours after saying that Internet beef is stupid/petty.  Oh.

Ok.

Also, we don’t care about you.  Seriously, you are a joke just like Ebe.  Your consistent BitchAssNess is the thing we dream of to bring Sum07 together.  We will also continue to antagonize you, because it bothers you.  And stop getting mad when people call you out for wanting to be Atom Kane.  We’ve accepted it, you should to.

BitchAssNess – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

3) Date Beneath You in 2011

Okay, it shouldn’t cost you to date a man.  I’m not talking about going out to dinner.  I’m talking about you have to change your whole life, just to be with him.  I mean, ruin relationships with other people because of your love for another man.  Broke Folk need love to, but loving them shouldn’t make you broke too.  I continue to see females doing the most OUTLANDISH stuff for men, in 2011.  Don’t you know we are in a Depression.  Every person in the relationship has GOT to be bringing something to the table.  This, “Oh, but he needs someone to help him out for a little while,” mentality is RUINING everything.

Being a Stupid Female – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

4) Be a Proud Black Republican

I MEAN REALLY! This isn’t 1865, when the Republicans were really the Democrats that we know today.  This is 2011, when a Republican running for the Highest Office in the Nation used to go hunting at a place called NiggerHead.  Wanna know why it was called NiggerHead, because a lot of them were chopped off on the land.  Black republicans have GOT to be the stupidest people alive.  I don’t care how conservative you are, at the end of the day, the Republican Party is doing everything in it’s POWER, to keep you Poor.

When they talk about making America a Better Place, did you ever notice that they are getting rid of programs that benefit Brown People.  They’re Just Not That Into You. When they say WE, they aren’t talking to you.  When you vote Republican, you are LITERALLY hurting yourself, and those around you.  It doesn’t matter how much money you have, they will tear you down in a MINUTE. Just look at Tiger Woods. I don’t care how long you served in the military, they put your black ass on the front lines for a reason.

Political Stupidity – Some Shyt, You Just Don’t Do

A Little Less Conversation….

The longest phone conversation I have ever had was 10 hours. It was Junior Year of High School, talking to ‘Topher when we got home from school. We had been in school together all day, mind you. But that didn’t matter. We talked until both the cordless phones in my house died. I don’t know where my mom was, cuz that night I didn’t go to bed until like 2am. But I will never forget that conversation, not because it was life altering, but because I felt so CLOSE to him after that.

There was a time about 18 months ago, that I had ridiculously long conversations with all the people I thought were my friends. But as the dynamics of those relationships changed, so did my want/need/compulsion to converse with others.

Conversation is, to me, what sex is to most people. The art of The MindFuck is real in these here mental streets. After ‘The Spanish-American War’ earlier this year, I stopped talking to people. Not just on the phone, but even in person.

Whereas I used to be a very verbose individual, I began to truncate conversations. I began to say the least amount of words needed to get my point across.

I started to pull back from people I had previously felt close to. The fact that Conversation had seemingly turned on me in all aspects of my life (Love, Work, Family) it was the first thing I got rid of in my journey back to sanity.

But today, at a family gathering, I realized Conversation is the one thing I need to get me back to normal. I want to Converse about any and everything: Politics, Relationships, Popular Culture. Thanks to #BlackTwitter my need/want for Conversation has been labeled #Thirst.

It is a Thirst. But not for attention, but rather Mental Stimulation. I could go years without Physical/Sexual Interaction with the opposite sex. But this lack of Conversation is driving me CRAZY.

My life is so Quiet now. I only speak when its necessary. Thinking about that, makes me a Tad bit melancholy. What happened to Conversation? Not the kind that leads to Sex, but the Conversation that leads to such a spiritual fulfillment, you walk away/hung up with a smile on your face. A pep in your step. A switch in your hips. I know its out there……

Come Back Conversation, I Miss You.

Happiness Vs. Contentment/The Road to Hell

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions . . . .

First time I ever heard that, I was in my apartment @ 1520 Brown St in my Senior Year of College.  I had just opened my copy of Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged, and I was hella excited.  For once, my Roommate wasn’t home, and I had the house to myself.  I was sucked in from the 1st guitar strum.  I listened to the words, and was like, “Damn That’s Deep.” But I didn’t really know . . . I had No Idea what she was talking about.

We give rise to ego, by being insecure

The advice that we go desperately searching for

the subconscious effort to support our paramour

Too engaged in denial, to admit we’re immature

We all have a goal for ourselves.  We look into our future, and see what we want to be.  As a child, when people would ask me what I wanted to be, I used to say a doctor.  I could see myself in the white coat, and a brightly painted office, helping children stay well. Later in life, when everything I was doing would have made that goal too hard to reach, I looked into other things.

In my journey to find Happiness, I frequently equated it with the word Easy.  My ego was such, that everything was easy for me.  I was “Happy” because I didn’t have to work hard.  Things just came to me, and I was perfectly happy with that.  For a while, things went well . . . But the search for Happy/Easy made me change my path a myriad of times.  I have walked away from things when they became difficult, thinking whatever I went to next wouldn’t matter, because everything was Easy.

hap·py

adjective

1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing 

The problem in searching for Happy: you are looking for a momentary thing. Happy implies a particular state of being, not an overall feeling of Peace.

Happiness comes in so many forms, but is a very fleeting emotion.  It’s contingent upon too many things.  Are my bills paid? Does he like me? Do I feel fat? Did they call me back for that audition? Did I win that argument? If things didn’t go my way, I was very unhappy.  The search for Happiness has led me nowhere . . . .

con·tent

adjective

1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

All this time, I should have been looking for Contentment.  Happy is like heroin addictiton.  The first time you get it, you have to have more.  Because the buzz of Happy goes away after a while, you need it in bigger, stronger doses.  You being to search in places you would never have gone before, for just a taste.  Your Intentions, are just to make yourself  Happy.  To feel that rush, that says . . .  Yes What you just did was accepted, valued, and for a reason.  Just like the dope fiend, who steals copper for a Yellow Top {Wire Reference} you start to go to extraodinary measures just to get to Happy.

Wake up you’ve been sleeping, take up your bed and walk

Stop blaming other people, it’s nobody else’s fault

Accept the truth about you

You know that life goes on without you . . .

Today, I let go of my search for Happy.  Instead, I start my journey for Contentment.  I can start it by admitting to myself, that I need a break.  Not a Bullshit, turn off my phone for a day type break.  But a, move back in with my mother, and spend 3 months getting to know the person “The Search for Happiness” has turned me into.  Talking to some kind of God, and really understanding What and Who I want to be.

Please dont be mad with me, I have no identity
All that i’ve known is gone, all I was building on

I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
now that i know the truth, now that its no excuse

Thank You Ms. Lauryn Hill, who even in your crazy, has helped me figure out what I want . . . .

Contentment

Somebody Almost Walked Off with All of My Stuff/Don’t You Remember

*edited & truncated for Syntax and Meaning*

Say what you want about Mr. Winston Jerome Tyler Perry, but the man is a Genius when it comes to evoking emotion with his movies.  Add to that Loretta Devine (who is quickly becoming one of my favorite actresses), and For Colored Girls is a movie that is speaking to me right now.

The last 8 months, have been hard on me.  The culmination of it being my “relationship” with HNG.  I have been trying to explain to folks, how I felt, and watching For Colored Girls tonight finally helped me figure it out.  Let me share with you the words that have finally set me free.

Who is this you left me with?

Some simple bitch 
with a bad attitude?

I wants my things . . . I want my arm wit the hot iron scar . . .& my leg wit the
 flea bite

I want my calloused feet & quick language back 
in my mouth

I remember when I looked myself in the mirror.  I remember when I woke up in the morning, and said to myself, “Go be Awesome today.” I remember being so confident that it annoyed other people.  Then I look at my couch, and I remember how safe I felt laying on it with him. I remember his hands, slowly running up and down my neck, telling me how happy he was to be here with me.

Stealin my shit from me, don’t make it yours

Makes it stolen . . . Somebody almost run off with alla my stuff

It wasn’t a spirit took my stuff, it was a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow

It was a man faster
 than my innocence  . . . was a lover I made too much 
room for

And the one runnin with it, don’t know {or care that}  he got it

My stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year

I used to ridicule women who acted like the loss of a man was the end of their world.  I think, because I felt that inside me, I tried to hide it, and pretended to be completely over it.  Recently, when I realized I didn’t have enough fight in me, to prove myself to an 18 year old white girl, I realized that I was still screaming after him, “Gimme Back alla My Stuff!”

Knowing that this isn’t on his radar, that he so easily . . . set me . . . aside . . . was an ego blow that I wasn’t ready for.  Hadn’t mentally prepared myself for, hadn’t taken the proper spiritual precautions for.  Everything before was an Iota compared to this . . . this . . . vacancy that was left in my soul.

I loved you on purpose . . . .I was open on purpose . . . & I still crave vulnerability & close talk

Even though, I am recovering . . . Even though I can at times see a glimmer of light that the end of this seemingly endless tunnel.  Even though people keep telling me that it has to get better, even though things are going in a more positive direction, there is still a level of fear that I can’t seem to shake.  A voice inside of me that keeps saying, “Remember what happened last time you got comfortable? Remember what happened last time you thought you had it all under control?”

When was the last time, You thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory
I often think about where I went wrong?  The more I do the less I know . . . .

I’m tired of remembering.  I’m tired of this person that I have become.  I am tired of being ashamed that I let someone take a part of me, when everything that I was raised to believed says that this is MY FAULT.  That I left myself get . . . taken.  That I was freely giving pieces of myself, and I have no one to blame for this . . . vacancy . . . love don’t live here . . . anymore.

I think these thoughts, and write these things, knowing that others will see this, and think less of me because of my honesty.  But I never lied before, and I am not going to lie now.  I’m not over him, don’t know if I ever will be.  I think it’s going to take me at least 6 months of stability before I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, You’re okay. Until then, there are good days and bad days.  Days where I almost forget how I got here, but then . . . .I Remember.

Chasing Pavements . . .

So, some of you may know that I have been unemployed for almost a month.  Lost both of my jobs, within 6 days of each other.  I could say that It wasn’t my fault, as it wasn’t in the first instance.  I could blame my misfortune on the fact that my mother should have named me Lemony Snickett – as my life is a Series of Unfortunate Events.  But I shan’t do all that.  Instead, I will say that the cycle has started once again. 

Every 2 or 3 years, I go through a life cycle.  During this cycle, I find yet another part of the world that I don’t quite understand.  I learn everything that I can about it, master that area, get complacent, then become bitter because I want to excel past it, and I am in a position that offers no room for advancement.

Usually, it has something to do with a job.  But on occasion, it has had to do with friendships, relationships, etc.  Sadly, I am so used to this cycle, that I hardly pay it any attention anymore.  The first time this “happened to me,” I was so outraged! I set up meetings, and wrote letters, and had “Come to Jesus” meetings with the personnel at Univ of Dayton.  Oh hell no, was heard one or two times in those meetings. 

At the end of that first cycle, I had a degree and an extreme distaste for all things in the education field.  So I came home, got a BS job as a Latchkey teacher, and figured I would never really use my degree again.  3 months later I had my dream job, paying $10 an hour w/ benefits (unheard of in the Early Childhood field, trust me) and I had complete autonomy. I learned how to organize curriculum, create curriculum, and organize an entire summer camp program. I became a better teacher because of that job.

3 years later, the cycle began again.  My attitude had a lot to do with it.  I lost friends, and burned a lot of bridges along the way. Thank God for unemployment, let me tell you.  I got on my Detroit Hustle, had 3 part-time jobs, and in the process was introduced to a new way to teach children how to read.  I got so good, people were actually paying me to work for them.  I had reached the pinnacle . . . I was asked to work for $30 an hour, but told that I had to accept $26. This was the job that taught me my worth.  That let me know that I could do things that other people couldn’t, and I could do it well.

{Side Note: Looking back at that whole fiasco, I bet that Little White Lady thought to herself, How dare this Black Girl think she should make that much money. I don’t know anyone, NOW, that makes $26 an hour full time, and I was PISSED I didn’t get $30. Wow.}

So of course, that couldn’t last very long. By that time, I was blogging.  Feel free to read the story here and here.  I fought, hard. But at the end of the day, I didn’t have anymore fight in me.  So it was on to the next thing.  I struggled to find the REASON that all these things continued to happen to me.  At that point, it was 2007, it was time to start ALL the way over.

In November of 2007, I moved into my house.  Yet another phase of my life that showed me something new and exciting.  Being a home owner, and understanding exactly what that meant.  The house was going to be the end of all my problems, and it ended up being a burden of epic proportions.  Because my mother and I choose to take a family member at their word, I started my own business.  I thought, FINALLY, something that I can control.  I learned that I was capable of starting something from scratch, and making it work for me.  I learned that I could help children, and get paid well to do it.

A year later (the cycle was getting shorter) it all feel apart.  I lost faith in a lot of people (including most of my family), lost a myriad of friends, and left the only place that I had ever thought was MINE to venture to the new frontier (for me) that was Arizona. 

Talk about a Series of Unfortunate Events.  In the almost 3 years that I have lived here, here is just a small list of the things that have happened to me:

• Broken My Foot while walking on Pavement
• Broken my Hand while lifting a shelf
• Gotten in 2 car accidents
• Got accused of threatening a child
• Spent 2 nights in the hospital
• Had my wages garnished because of that Hospital stay
• GOT ARRESTED
• GOT TAKEN TO JAIL

Those last two were clearly the worst.  At this point in my life, I’m not even shocked when stuff like this happens anymore.  The day I got fired from my first job, I didn’t even argue, I just went to get my stuff and left.  I updated my resume, and called the folks I knew that could help me out. The day AFTER I went to jail, I just assumed I was going to lose the other job I had, and I was right.

I’m used to this kinda of stuff happening, which scares me.  Because at this point, I don’t have any FAITH anymore.  I have stopped believing in myself. (Not my skill level, but my level of . . . sustainability for lack of a better word) I know that eventually I am going to either piss the wrong person off, or do something that is perceived as something else, and have to start all over again.

And it’s not that I don’t still think I’m amazing, because I honestly do.  Instead, I just think that no one cares anymore.  At home, people cared that I was great.  They encouraged me to be great, and I felt that.  Living here, and not having an Adequate Support System, has really broken me down.

So, frequently, I feel like I’ve been Chasing Pavements, and going nowhere.  At times, I just want to go HOME.  Other times, I just want to curl up in a ball, and forget that anything else exists.  It’s weird not getting excited about things, not looking ahead.  I don’t do that anymore.  I used to make plans years ahead.  I don’t even plan for 2 weeks ahead at this point.  Because anything can change, at any time.

My mother keeps talking to me about learning my Lessons.  Which seems to be almost the same thing as earning Happiness, or Karma.  My mother says that this cycle continues because the Lessons I was supposed to learn, I haven’t. 

Can a Bish get a Study Guide?

(And don’t you DARE say the Bible)

I just need someone to email me a piece of paper with some essay prompts or long answer questions.  Something like, You should really think about how this action is going to effect your future? Or, What do you think about your reaction to this? A friend recently asked me, “Do you think our lives would be better if we had a “relationship” with God? I couldn’t answer her question. 

I still can’t.  Anyone who has read my recent blogs knows, I’m fighting myself about faith, God, and religion.  A lot of that has to do with me looking back over my life, and thinking it over.  Can I truly say, that I’ve been Blessed, or is my life just a TEST, and not a testimony?

This grey area that I seem to be existing in, I hope it clears up soon.  Cuz I really don’t like fog.  And I don’t know what I was supposed to learn about the last 2+ years of my life, other than Arizona might not be the best place for me.

Thanks for reading . . . Feel free to Comment (not Judge)

Late Night Ramblings of 2011: The Fear of God…

Right…not quite sure how to start this one so I’m just going to start typing on my HTC Thunderbolt keyboard. (Product Placement)

To say, I’ve had a bad week is like saying the late Ms. Winehouse had a slight drug problem. So we aren’t going to pretend that mentally I’m in a good place right now. In fact, I can honestly say I’ve never felt this NUMB before in my life.

Which brings me to the title of this blog. I’m afraid of God. Not in the way a “Good Christian” should be, but instead in the way a person who has never had a relationship with God would be. My struggles with my own faith notwithstanding, I currently find myself in a place where I am afraid to have hope. Afraid to think positive thoughts about anything that I am encountering at this point in my life.

When I was growing up, I believed in God and Jesus becuz I was told to. My mother took me to church every Sunday, and I always had the longest Easter Speeches. But I didn’t really believe any of it. I just went with the flow.  As I got older, I started to wonder if Christians really knew what they were talking about. My relationship with a God is going though some tough times right now.

I’m not perfect, this I know. I’ve done some foul things in the name of making myself feel better. Used stolen credit card numbers to buy books, stolen money so that I wasn’t the poor kid at school, forged signatures to get my way{….this list isn’t much longer than that….} But in real life, my goal has always been to help others. To bring joy into their lives, and have a positive impact.

So as I sat in Jail last Thursday night, I wondered to this God that everyone worships and adores, Why Me? Why did this happen to me? When am I  going to be done paying for my past sins, and get to live a life of happiness. This plea, seemingly, went unheard. And even while I am typing this, a part of me is afraid that me saying these things is going to cause this unknown God to come get me again.

I need my life to change. I need to get to a place where there isn’t fear around every corner. Fear of God. Fear of saying the wrong thing to the right person, and losing another job. Fear of being rejected again and again by people who shouldn’t matter but do. Fear of asking people for help because of what they might think of me. Fear of living in the same poverty in which I was raised. Fear that one day, someone will really understand how lost I really am…

But most of all, I’m afraid to hope. To make a wish so that it might come true. I’m afraid to want success, to want to be happy, for fear of punishment from a crime I don’t even know that I committed. I’m so TIRED of being afraid of everything, and feeling nothing all at the same time.

I’m just so TIRED.

Every morning that I wake up is a great day. I am thankful to be alive, I just kinda wish I was enjoying my life, instead of just living it. This is of course coming from a person who USED TO love being alone. Since Thursday, I can’t stand being any place without someone around.

I want that to go away too. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, without having flashbacks of sitting in a police car, or being handcuffed, or wearing prisoner orange.

And I really want to stop being afraid of a God that I barely even believe in.

Late Night Ramblings of 2011: The Coltrane Diary

So I’m laying in my bed, listening to a 31 track collection of John Coltrane’s lesser known work, and it’s like 3 in the morning. I’ve spent the whole day laying in bed, watching movies and clearing out my DVR. I ordered pizza and just lived my life, for one day, like I wish I could live it from now on.

Various conversations that I have had recently have lead me to this place. A place of self reflection and evaluation. I do this about once a year, usually at the beginning of the year.  I think about where my life is….and where I want it to be.  I’ve talked before about knowing my path and/or trying to find it. But as I get closer to 30, I am finding that I have absolutely no idea where life is taking me.

I look at people that I know, and wish I had their lives. That my life made sense like theirs does.  I wish that I could wake up every morning, and not fear what was just around the corner. The safety in KNOWING is so much more comforting than we were ever told.  When we were younger, we were sold on the greatness that was surprise. The mundane was deemed for old people. The act of living each moment as if it was our last has been spoon fed to us for so long, that when we see people who don’t live that lifestyle we pity them.

But let me tell you, six months away from 30 Years Old, the mundane looks pretty damn attractive to me.  Looking at my bank account, and seeing absolutely no changes in it is what I live for. Leaving one job and just going home is so pleasing to me. Not having to run to the store to pick up something, but instead going to a pantry to seeing it on the shelf is just…joyful to me.  The simplicity of what your life can be, when you stop trying to live up to your interpretation of what others expect from you is just…..

I remember conversations we used to have in college. Sitting in the VWK dining room, talking about all the great things we were going to accomplish before we hit 30. The husbands, the kids, the careers….we had out lives mapped out. We lived in a world where failure wasn’t even a thought in our minds. But I can count on 2 fingers the people who stayed in their original field of study. This is not to say that these people failed. But they surely didn’t go along with the game plan. I wonder how they feel about the knowledge that 18-20 year old them would deem them a failure?

I’ve spent so much time trying to be great, and it took me this long to realize how great I already am. I’m so used to pushing myself, to competing with an unknown entity that tells me that nothing that I do is good enough, that everyday had become a letdown. “Oh, you didn’t get that done today either,” and “Look how much everyone else around you has gotten accomplished.” Do you know how tiring that us? Feeling like a complete failure every single moment of your adult life?

I stopped writing blogs for my friends a long time ago. Because the majority of my friends a) don’t read them and 2) don’t care. I write for the people who feel the same way that I do, but just can’t quite put it into words. The people who at times need a subtle reminder of just how awesome they are. So let me list my accomplishments for you, people that I don’t know. Just in case you needed to feel good about yourself too.

1) I am the only one of my father’s children with a 4 Year College Degree
2) I’ve owned my own business…and it was successful
3) I was a published writer (in a nationally published book) at the age of 8.
4) I was the first person in my family to be a member of a NPHC org
5) I have made it to 30, childless (by choice)
6) My Mother is Proud of Me.

The list could continue for quite sometime, but that list isn’t the point of this late night rambling. The point is, don’t put off for tomorrow what you can do today. Meaning, stop and acknowledge yourself. Don’t wait for other people to tell you how much you are worth, because they probably never will.

Instead, take note of the things you can add to the, “Got damn I’m Awesome” list inside your head. The stress we put on ourselves, because of what we THINK we should be gets in the way of what we already have become. Its like that whole “Can’t see the Forest for the Trees” saying people use. Look at yourself, and smile.

Because your good enough….your smart enough….and gosh darnit, People Like You!

But I Loves Me a Big Girl Tho . . .

Okay, now we know that I have talked, at great length, about the problems that have plagued me in the dating world as a Big Girl.  I’ve discussed everything from Obesity being a Scary Word, to being told by several people that i need to Lower My Expectations because I’m fat. Please read those two blogs for background information if you need to.  For now,

Let’s discuss my complete and utter hatred for the phrase:

I Love Me a Big Girl

1) I know I’m considered a Big Girl. I embrace my Big Girl Status.  In 2011, with every Big Girl under the sun deciding that Fat is Ugly and losing weight, I kinda pride myself in being one of the last Big Girl’s standing.  Take Note, I in no way promote Morbid Obesity, but everyone wasn’t meant to be skinny.  We all know someone who used to be a Big Girl, lost all the weight, and just isn’t quite right.  Like that Lutha’ Curl Cedric the Entertainer was talking about, they just can’t quite get it together.  I don’t hate myself, I don’t hate being Fat. I don’t hate being considered Obese.  I hate that it’s the only thing you see about me.

2) As per my “Save a Horse – Ride a Big Girl” blog, I know that we are sexier than most women.  I know the sex is phenomenal, life changing even.  I know that some dudes only date Big Girls, because they know the sex is the shyt.  I don’t care.  You do what the hell you feel you need to do.  But how dare you come at me like, “The only reason you matter is because you are a Big Girl.” I’m trying to figure out exactly where the Big Girls are that fall for this, because all the ones that I know would probably punch a dude in the face if he even alluded that was the reason he was talking to her.

3) I’d love for a dude to walk up to a Skinny Bitch, and be like “Got damn girl, I love me a heaux that don’t eat food.” Or for a girl to walk up to a dude and be like, ” You walk with the Big Dick Swagger, I’m trying to holla at you.” It doesn’t matter that you’re thinking it.  It matters that you can’t keep that shit to yourself.  I know that I appeal to a certain type.  Every dude isn’t going to look at me, and be like I’m trying to hump.  But really, is that supposed to make me like you MORE? I often question men that are so quick to say they are attracted to Big Girls, because of the WAY they say it.  They say with an expectation, like I am just going to fall in love with them because they take pity on my fatness.  I could be wrong, but I honestly don’t think I am.  I have been fat for the majority of my life, some shit you just figure out.

4) Also, don’t dudes lie anymore?!?!  Like don’t you wanna pretend that you are trying to do something other than hump.  Or have we, as women, been asking for so much honesty in everything else that a man thinks it’s okay to approach you and tell you, “I’m looking for a Cutty Buddy.” Did you think that because I’m Fat, I would be okay with that?  Like oh, a man is paying attention to me.  That’s more than I usually get, so I am going to jump at this opportunity.  I just . . .

5) Gotdammit, Fat Girls everywhere, stop falling for the okey-doke.  You are more than just the fat rolls and overly lubricated Vagina.  That fat is a part of you, not the whole of you.  Stop letting these men use that as the way they describe you. “This is my Big Girl *insert name here*. She is cute for a Big Girl ain’t she.” No Mu’Fucka, I’m cute got dammit.  I’m not cute for a fat girl!

6) Are there some things we probably all want/need to chage about ourselves? Yes.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to go from a size 24, to a size two.  I can tell you right now, I will NEVER see a single digit size.  Not because I don’t think it’s possible, but because I don’t want to be that small.

Am I going to go back to the gym, and meet with the really sexy Mexican trainer that was my motivation to go to the gym? Yes.

But I’m not there to suddently have a happy life because I’m not fat anymore.

Skinny only Equals Happiness for Rich White People.

I will never be that.  When I tell you I am so pissed off.  Not even so much that men think it’s okay to say things like that.  It’s moreso that we, as Big Girls, Skinny Girls, Tall Girls, Short Girls, Black girls, White Girls, Crippled Girls, Deaf Girls, Slutty Girls have allowed these labels to continue to define us.   I know that looks matter, and so does physical attraction, but . . .

That’s. Not. All.

I couldn’t even make the effort to try to explain to this 25-year-old Man, who came from Philly, to live with his mother, who met me as I was getting out of my CAR, while he was standing at a gas station looking like a bum, and talked to me about me going to WORK at 7 in the morning, WHY I was insulted.

I REFUSE to take what the hell is handed to me.  I am not going to drink the “Fat Girl” Koolaid……

….and neither The FUCK should you!

Your Thoughts?