Archive | July 26, 2006

A Journey Into the Past

“Last Night, I had a Dream . . .” What movie is that from? I always wanted to say that, lol.  Okay, to the real blog.

In my dreams, in most of my dreams, I always go back in time.  The dream might have something to do with my present day problems, but they take place at other times in my life.  I might be dreaming about the issues I was having with my roommate, but it took place in my old house in Detroit.  I might be dreaming about work, but the dream takes place in Marycrest.  Why do I stay focused on the past, and why can’t I reconcile my sub-concious with the present?

Because I want to go back.  I want to go back to a time when I didn’t have bills to pay, when I didn’t understand how expensive it was to live.  Back to a time when I was 12, and I didn’t have to have a Job.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait until I grew up.  Because being a little kid meant there was so much stuff that you couldn’t do.  You couldn’t drive, you couldn’t stay up late, you couldn’t talk on the phone all night.

Little did we know there would be a day when we wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day (so glad I work in a Daycare, and that wish can actually come true from 12:30 to 3:15 everyday)  I can’t stay up all hours of the night anymore, I have to go to work in the morning. I can’t talk on the phone all day long, I got minutes to think about. And I wish my mom still drove me everywhere, then I wouldn’t have to pay for gas.

But more than the everyday simplicity, I yearn to go back to a time when my mind was clear.  When my thoughts were pure.  When I wasn’t bogged down with the knowledge that the real world is full of shit.  When all of my idealism was understood, and wouldn’t be shot down or refuted because almost everyone I knew thought the same way I did.  A time when conversations about politics/religion/social issues were more like a sharing of the same mind state, and everyone wasn’t looking out for the best way to get over.

I wanna go back to the time when the only money I needed was for alcohol, and I could get that by selling my textbooks.  A time when the best fun ever was just sitting around in the lobby of Marycrest/Stuart/VWK and playing cards, or studying for finals or watching TV on the one Big Screen TV on the whole campus.  Or times when everyone was so new, that we had no shame, and would walk up the 6 Middle, and introduce ourselves to ALL the Boy’s on the floor, because they were engineers, and we (Me, Marisa Franklin, and Kisha) had difficult majors.  A marriage come out of that (Je’Kisha) so it couldn’t be that bad, right?

I miss the time in my life that all my friends lived either a floor or a building away.  I miss walking over to Marycrest/Lawnview to have a sleepover at Shea’s Apt once every 3 months.  I miss fighting with Krist’le, and laughing with Clarissa, and running up against walls with Liyah cuz we were drunk as hell, and we didn’t have to pay for the damage we did to the plaster in the hall.

When I look at my students, I don’t ever want them to lose the innocence that comes with youth.  I never want them to lose that time of wonder, when of course what Ms. Joy says in correct, why would she lie to me.  I never want them to doubt someone’s character or worth, based on what they look like.  I wish everyone could go back in time, before 9/11 (which really did change the WHOLE WORLD), before George Bush, before the War on Iraq, before Graduation, before petty bullshit, and knowing what we know now, live life out again.

I don’t have regrets, not really.  I just miss the time when I was Supremely happy.  With the world, with myself, and with everyone else.  I no longer see the world through Rose Colored Glasses, as much as I want to.  My glasses are clear, with a few scratches on there from all the battles I have fought in the past few years.  Can I just go back . . .

Feel free to comment . . .