Is it the right thing to do, when you can’t figure out a way to keep a job that has basically defined you for 3 years. How about when you basically get accussed of child abuse. Should you run away then? Shoud I run, because I understand, that you only get 3 strikes, and in reality, I am on strike number 4. I can’t keep thinking that everything is going to be alright. They keep saying at church that you have to pray without worrying, and have faith, even when it looks like the worse is upon you.
That was last month. I got through that, by the skin of my teeth. But my teeth are not going to be able to hold on this time. I am on the verge of walking out the door, and just leaving now. Just moving, and not really caring about the kind of message I am sending to my kids. I love these kids to death, and I wish there was a way to stay here, but I can’t. I can’t stay in a place, where every day I feel like I am watching my back, have to watch what I say to whom.
The same person that is right now saying I did something to her child, is the same person who brought cupcakes for the whole class yesterday, and bought me lunch 3 weeks ago. But I know that people don’t forget, and they stay quiet when things don’t affect them. If you saw me doing something to your child before, then I would understand. But it seems that everything that could ever happen bad is happening right now.
So I am planning to run away. I can’t fight, because I don’t think I will win. The funny thing about this, is that it seems there is a pattern emerging. Every 3 or 4 years, something comes up, and I run away. I usually run away to something far better than what was causing me problems, but shouldn’t I want to stop running? Shouldn’t I stop, stay, and fight. The last time, I didn’t fight. I caved, and the people who knew the deal, were all disappointed in me. “You should have stayed, they couldn’t have done anything, you should have faught.”
But unlike most people, I don’t have blinders on about the world. I understand that I am a child of God, but the majority of the world isn’t. You can’t always fight when people don’t have a heart for reason, and compassion. And I can’t even say that I wouldn’t feel the same away if it was my kid, but I would like to think I would be rational. But in this, and past situations, people keep track. People often make mental notes, and keep things in the back of their minds. And I put pressure on myself, because people keep track of what I do, I remember it too.
I know when I have messed up, and I know that with each situation in life, you can see people getting tired of excuses. Even if you are in the right, and you know that you didn’t do anything, there comes a point where you can’t ignore it anymore. You can’t pass it off as maybe that is just one parent. Maybe that was an isolated incident. 4 or 5 issolated incidents create a patten, and true or false, that pattern exists. It could be there to tear you down, or build you up.
But today people, I have decided to run. Now I need help in the running, and I am hoping that I can get that help. But I am running, for dear life, hoping that the end result will be better for me than what is hear now. Because all this pressure, and regret, and unfounded guilt, and stress is not it, at all.
And even when I try to look at the bright side, I don’t see it. As I re-read and proof-read this blog, no solution came to me, nothing that said, you should do this. It’s a done deal, and I have to run before I get asked to leave . . . .
Fuck all this shit!