Liquor, A Smelly Cat, 2 Bathroom Orgys, A Spansih Serenade, and A Gay Chicken . . . .

That was my wonderful weekend in Ohio . . . We can just go down the list right now, so you can know how ridiculously ignorant my weekend truly was

1) Liquor
I spent 150 dollars in less than 30 minutes, all on liquor.  First, we went to Kroger, or actually, i met the Triad, Impressive, and a VERY nervous Matrix at K Rogers.  I got my Staples (Peach Schnapps, A Party Pack of Smirnoff Ice, a disposable camera, and the Pink stuff, {which I think I left at Liyah’s House}) and the party began.  Then, we went to the Liquor Store, and went retarded.  Never mind that I had to pay my phone and Cable bills, once I saw that BEAUTIFUL Absolut Raspberry Bottle, it was a done deal.  Got some other stuff, or rather, Liyah did, but our total there was 97 dollars.  Combined with the 50 that I spent and K Rogers, yeah, went retarded.  Then, had to stop by Rally, and get a Fat Girl burger.  Why we don’t have the Fully Loaded Triple Cheeseburger in Mich, I just don’t know . . . Got back to Liyah’s house, and it was a WRAP

2) A Smelly Cat
Rza, your cat smells like ass.  Not even fresh ass, but like moldy, sick ass.  I tried really hard to love your cat, but it was like super hard.  He’s pretty, but stinky.  And I guess Liyah is used to the smell, becuz we had to like force her to de-Funk the house. Then we had to lock the cats in the closet, and Liyah had to change the litter.  How lazy is Aaliyah, that she actually bought a disposable Liter Box, and threw away her litter box, like the whole thing, because she didn’t want to clean it.  Fat Ass, I love her!

3)Bathroom Orgy #1
So it’s about 11:30pm, we have been drinking hard care for about 2 hours, and The Girl comes back to Liyah’s crib.  Even though she was posed to be studying for the GRE, she came back to support Liyah’s party, or that is what she says.  20 minutes later, as Liyah is just about ready to throw up, and hit round 2, they disappear upstairs, and all you hear from the stairwell are SOMEBODY’S moans coming from the bathroom.  Then, the wife and Matrix went upstairs too . .. More Moanin’. Then Liyah’s Brother went upstairs . . . Bed shaking, could see it through the outside window . . . Then G and Impressive went to his room . . . Bed Head like a Mo’Fo . . .You would think I am making this up, I’m not.  4 couples, 30 minutes, ORGY

4) A Spanish Serenade
Don Q made an appearance at about 1:00, drivin the most Pimped Out truck ever.  So gonna get me one of those! "All I need is some Liquor, a Cup, and a Sunrise, and I am good!"  Never Mind that he drove 8 hours to get there, and worked for 8 hours before that, so he had been up for like EVER, he was there to kick it. He brought some Don Q Cristal Rum (Hence his NickName) and proceeded to get EXTRA lit.  By 3 in the morning, he was singing Spanish Ballads to me while I was laying on the floor, pretending to go to sleep.  With all the outside/inside drama going on, I couldn’t have slept anyway . . . But having a Sexy Ass Puerto rican sing to you in Spanish, you don’t go to sleep.  You stay up, so that you can remember every minute of that, for years to come!  I was trying to translate, and convince him that he was totally in love with me.  I did the first thing, the second . . . ehhh you can’t win them all, tee hee hee.  We tried really hard to get that sunrise, passed out at 5:45, woke up at 6:20, like Son of a Bitch, we missed it.  After that, we just stayed up and talked until we went to Bob Evans, becuz all i needed was White Bread Toast and 4 Sausage Patties, and I got it!

5) Bathroom Orgy #2
Okay, it wasn’t really an Orgy, more like Bathroom Sex. But guess who got caught by Pops (Diamond’s Dad) doing sex in the upstairs bathroom . . . Rumor has it, the moans are what woke him up . . . All Lesbians are just horny people, just doing sex all the time, supposedly taking a shower, so that you can change your clothes so the kid’s father doesn’t see you looking like a bum . . .Liar, yall were doing the sex too . . .

6) A Gay Chicken
Ever seen a Chicken with a Beer Can up his ass? Yeah, even Chickens are gay are Diamond’s House.  Her dad reamed that Chicken something good! And with a Tall Boy Beer at that, not even the lil short can, it was the Long and big tall bud can.  What does the Gay Chicken say? Finger Snap, CLUCK.  It’s not as funny when you type it, you have to see me do it.

7) 2 Fat Girls in the Kitchen
The Fat girl blog is comin, I swear.  Me and Liyah were so damn fat on Monday, it just wasn’t even funny.  We actually ate the corner’s out of the Freshly cooked Cheese and Mac, so much so that we had to cook the extra one, and replace it.  Never mind that she greases the foil pan with butter, then was getting mad because the pats of butter she was putting on top of the 7 pounds of cheese weren’t distributing themselves correctly.  Who puts butter on TOP of the Cheese and Mac.  Why do i keep calling it Cheese and Mac, because she really did use 7 pounds of cheese, and a Damn whole BLOCK of Velveeta.  Fat Ass!

You Might be a Fat Girl, if you take Shots of Half and Half! You might also be a Fat Girl if, when Pop’s brings in the grill from the smoker and you see the pieces of meat hanging off that he didn’t scrape off, your first thought is, can i get a fork down there to get that meat and not burn myself.

I was so fat, i was full before it was really time to eat.  So fat that i was talking to Liyah, asking her a serious question, and mid-word i had to comment on the strawberry that she was cutting up, because it looked that good. So fat, i was taste testing everything, and still offered Matrix 50 cent to bring me 2 pieces of cornbread, and another 50 to bring me some fruit and dip.  Then i tried to feel better about myself, because i called the dip yogurt dip, and was promptly told, Fat Asses don’t eat yogurt dip, it’s marshmallow creme.

8) The Spanish Inquisition
Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition! Even after I told The Wife that Don Q didn’t want to date me, and Liyah told her too, she still gave him the flux.  The only information she didn’t get was the Social Security Number, and the address.  Don Q was like, she should just get an application form, prior to meeting these people, so that she has the information before hand.  He might be right.  I heard him answering questions that I didn’t even know to ask, and then had to pretend I wasn’t interested in knowing the answers.  Then, on Monday, she did it again, except not ot me, but to Salt new lil’ friend.  I don’t think she passed the test, at all.  We were too much for her.  Even The Girl and Matrix got in on it, cuz they were happy they weren’t getting grilled and talked about, lol.

All in all, it was a great weekend.  There were some minor incidents, mis-understandings, and kerfuffles, but it was great.


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