As I am writing about my hard times, and listening to those gospel songs that we all listen to when life is kicking us in the teeth, i am compelled to wonder, why do we believe that everything is going to be okay? Why do we feel that we can just leave it in the hand of some unknown entity, and it truly will be okay? I am starting to believe that faith is like those get rich quick scams that you see all over tv. Or rather, people treat faith that way. I can do this right now, and feel like this right now, and “God” will know that I truly care and need his help. Surely, if i cry everyday, and pray every day, and live holy while we are having these horrible times, then it will be okay.
But I am telling you from personal experience that is not the case, because if the solving of my problems was truly based on tears, and pleas, and bargins, I would not be in my situtation. So I guess I myself am guilty of what my God Questions teacher at Mercy called being a bargin/hard times Christian. One of those people who only turns to God when they need something. As much as I would never like to admit something like that, I believe that is what I am. Scares the shit outta me, because that would mean that I am just as fake as the people that I look at and despise.
(And isn’t that realy everyone’s true fear, that for all your pontificating about social issues, and ranting about the failing of the government, and the lack of good education in this country . . . you are just as fake as everyone else. You are just a plain Jane that read some books, and you aren’t going to get up off your ass and change things, you are just going to keep writing blogs, and talking in your living room, and sending emails to your friends when you read an interesting article, but never ever make a difference. You are not the next Rosa Parks, or MLK, or even Kirk Franklin. You are just Marisa Joy Williams, who didn’t have the courage to step out on a limb, and make a difference, because society tells us that what we think doesn’t matter, because you don’t run the gov, and you aren’t the Majority)
But my fear of becoming a jesus freak, of having people not be my friend because they don’t want another lesson on how God has changed my life, has stopped me from being an example of walking and living right. (Of course, with my other jesus friends, I am all about what Jesus has done for me, and I am praying on it, and i have faith. But sometimes, I just wanna say FUCK, I am too damn stressed out to really think about praying, I would rather just sell my body for money)
What I am can’t understand is since I have confessed, and prayed, and cried, and cried, (and been forced to literally beg someone whose sole responsiblity is to support me or at least help me, who offered to pay for school if i move in with them) . . . when is my penance over?
When have I said enough hail marys, when have I prayed enough, when have I said I am sorry enough, to negate all the things that I have done that have lead me to this place in my life. Because I believe in karma, and everything happening for a reason. Hil said it’s either a test or a trial, and you shouldn’t confuse the 2, but to me, I am being tested, and failing miserably. I really don’t have the strength to fight anymore, to try and face another person and say to them, I need your help, I will take any job, and do anything for money right now.
Because I won’t, and maybe that is my true lesson, that I am way too proud. I have way too much stuff that I say I would never do, or never have to do, or I wouldn’t be caught dead doing. (Even as i go through my head, and try to figure out if i am just being selfish as a person, i still can’t do it.) I just can’t break myself down to the level that to me is my ultimate humiliation. For others, it can be something that is just a stop gap on the way, but for me, it would be like admitting that maybe I am not destined for greatness, but instead, I am just like everyone else. I spent so much time telling myself that I am not like everyone else, that somewhere along the way, I began to believe it, and now, I don’t know if I was just pumping myself up in my own head for nothing.
Maybe I won’t be world famous, maybe I won’t be a household name, maybe the only people that will remember me are my family members.
I just feel like, at a time in my life when I should be just starting out on the path that is going to lead to my greatest time in life, the good ole days are behind me. The happiness, the fun times, the friends who will be there no matter what, are just gone. Of course, I have the feeling that I am not the only person who is feeling that way (and Liyah, if you are reading this I’m here.) We all need someone who cares about us, who will be there no mater what. And at this time in my life, the most random people are those people, so to them, even though you prolly won’t read this VERY random outpouring of emotion, thanks for everything.
I think I am done now, I just feel the need to keep rambling, so I will stop, and re-read this, and then send it out into cyberspace, and hope that somewhere along the way, God is checking my blog, and can understand the things I can’t even say in prayer, but for some reason can type and make available to people on MySpace.com.