Dreams of a Girl . . . Hopes of a Woman

Look at me . . .Look at me . . . I am Changing . . .

Effie said it best, I am changing.  Against my will, for the greater good, I am changing.  I am less and less tolorant of idiotic behavior.  I find myself judging people based on shit that I would never do as an adult.  The 25th birthday really was a rude awakening for me.  A time to look at what was around me, what was bringing me down. and what I needed to let go of.  Yes, I am 25, a whole quarter of a century old.  So much shit has happened in the world during my lifetime . . . The first Legal Homosexual Marriage, 9/11, George Bush I and II, Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinski, The Fall of Communisim, The Fall of the Berlin Wall, and whole lot more shit.

In my lifetime, I have lived through mental and physical abuse, self-hatred, low self-esteem, racism, sexism, fatism, every other ‘ism’ that could have applied to me.  Hateration has wrecked havoc, both in abstract and directly.  Life is full of shitty moments, and shitty people, and shitty shit.  But at the same time, I have overcome so much, I feel the need to proclaim that I am changing.

Things that used to be the highlight of my time on earth now seem frivolous. To me, there are better things to do with my time than go out and party.  Not saying that partying isn’t awesome, but to go out just cuz other people are doing it, frivolous to me.  I just am not feeling it.  I keep getting invites to do stuff, so not on it.  Not because I don’t love the people that are asking me out. but just because I am not feeling it.  Sitting in a smoky bar, watching drunk people no longer holds fun for me.

Some would say, “Something is wrong with Joy, she is condemning her whole lifestyle since college,” not true.  It’s a growth process.  I am growing out of the things that in the end, don’t make me any money, or earn me anything.

All of my life I’ve been a fool Who said I could do it all alone
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dark nights have I known?

Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

That is how I am feeling right now, just trying to figure out the next step in life.  Time out for the bullshit drama, for the frivolous fun, because I have a goal.  I need to make my way towards my goal.  Stop getting sidetracked by petty bullshit, stop dragging myself into other people’s shit.  I got enough shit on my own. The funny thing is, most people are probabaly going to see this blog as a negative, “Joy must be going through a rough time right now,” but it’s the opposite, I just need to make sure everyone knows, I am changing.  So get on board with the change, or back the fuck up, because . . .

I am changing
Yes I know how
I’m gonna start again
I’m gonna leave my past behind
I’ll change my life
I’ll make a vow and nothings gonna stop me now

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