Forget Me Not

My thoughts started racing at about 4:00 pm on Thursday, bouncing back and forth from indignation, bitterness, sadness, fear, anger and finally – disappointment.  And not your average disappointment.  No, this was the kind that all of a sudden takes over your whole being, and renders you emotionless.  To the point that even a smile or subtle grin is obviously in vain, and tears come at the most in inoppurtune moments.  The kind of disappointment that renders you speechless, and makes every word that you hear a painful reminder of those words you said, and I stupidly believed once again.

Of everything around me
I smile
But I don’t feel a thing no

I’m so far from where I need to be
I’ve given up on faith, on everything
All I want, all I need
Is some peace

There’s a hole
Inside of me
It’s so cold
Slowly killing me

Eating at the core of me
Shut off
Trusting all the lies I breathe

Sinking ever so slowly
So far from where I should be
No hands reaching out for me
Help me, help me

Something’s gone
I can feel it
It’s all wrong
I’m so sick of this
Hole – Kelly Clarkson

At this point, this is how I feel right now.  How I felt in that brief second that I realized that once again, everyone was right about you.  That your words were just as empty as they always have been.  But the good thing is, the fucking great thing is, that these next statements have been made totally without emotion.  Without a subtle longing that you read between the lines or see a hidden meaning.  Because I say this cleary and with certainty:

Forget Not

>The 11:28pm phone call when you were distraght
>The 8am to 12pm Phone Calls everyday
>The additional Lines
>My un-wavering support, commitment, and faith in you.

Forget Me

@Having your back when not even your family did
@Making offers to you that you would never have gotten from anyone else
@Sitting in the same fucking apartment 2 years ago having these same feelings
@Sitting on this same flight with tears falling down my face

Forget Those People

*Who befriend you because of me
*Who supported you because they know me
*Who I won’t even tell about my trip to NYC
*Who won’t ever read this blog

Forget Not

Everything that I have written to and about you
My love for you, that at times has turned me into a sadly loyal puppy
The day you read this, and know that I meant what I said on Tuesday

But of all the things for you not to forget, Don’t forget these words . . .

You are my only regret
My one and only disappointment
The one time in my life, I will forever wish did not exist


All I can ever be to you,
Is a darkness that we knew,
And this regret I got accustomed to,

Once it was so right,
When we were at our high,
Waiting for you in the hotel at night,

I knew I hadn’t met my match,
But every moment we could snatch,
I don’t know why I got so attached,

It’s my responsibility,
And you don’t owe nothing to me,
But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And in this grey, in this blue shade
My tears dry on their own.

I don’t understand,
Why do I stress A man,
When there’s so many better things at hand,

We could a never had it all,
We had to hit a wall,
So this is inevitable withdrawal,

Even if I stop wanting you,
A Perspective pushes thru,
I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon,

I shouldn’t play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men,

I wish I could SAY no regrets,
And no emotional debts,
And as we kiss goodbye the sun sets,

So we are history,
The shadow covers me,
The sky above a blaze that only lovers see,

He walks away,
The sun goes down,
He takes the day but I’m grown,
And it’s OK, In this blue Shade,
My tears dry on their own. . .
My Tears Dry on Their Own – Amy Winehouse

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