It still smells like him . . .
I had a man in my house this weekend. A full blown, wear cologne everyday, Timberland Boots by the door, open the door for me, warm up the car, shovel the walkway after the storm of the Century, fix my drink before you make yours kinda man . . .
The Iron My Clothes even if we don’t go anywhere, put on my new toilet seat, pay for the ingredients for the cakes I made last night, Hennessy Drinking, Jay-Z bumping but still MJB appreciating type a man . . .
I had forgotten how that felt. To have a man in your presence. To wake up and have someone else in the shower, so you have to wait, but knowing that when he finally opens the door, it’s going to smell of a MAN, and not just the Sauve Body Wash that you sue everyday.
The little hairs on the drain because he just got his hair cut, shaving cream on the side of the mirror, drool on my pillow when I wake up, interrupt me while I am talking to my girls on the phone, pick on me because I am super forgetful, but give the best hugs in the world kinda feeling.
I own a house now. I come home to this big ass house, with a scary people under the stairs kinda basement. Take off my coat, put my keys on the hook, and put some food in the Microwave for dinner. I miss coming home knowing that a MAN was on his way there. I miss cooking dinner together, and laughing about our day. I miss the phone calls/text messages in the middle of the day because someone else cares about how you feel.
A house is not a home, without someone to share it with. My life is merely an existence, without someone to share it with. I am lonely again, but not in the kill myself because i can’t face another day kinda way. Lonely because I have just been reminded what I have been missing, waiting on a BOY who will never truly be mine. Funny how I never make up pet names with MAN in the title. I don’t think I know any . . .
I won’t say that, I just say the one’s I knew aren’t mine, and that is a HUGE problem. I am going on a Vacation this week. Going to Arizona to spend Christmas with my family. And now that I think about it, I have been trying to get out of town forever, maybe I just haven’t gone far enough. I need to sit down one day, and think about what I am going to have to do, in order to get myself ready. So that someday soon, the Scent won’t be a lingering one, fading over the next day or two because he is gone now . . . but one that sticks to everything, not just the bathroom .
I can still smell him though . . .