So, yeah. Let me first start by offically saying Happy New Year! As my first REAL blog of the year, I figured I should just come right out and make sure that everyone knows exactly how I feel about life at this moment. I like me, chalk it, I will go ahead and say I LOVE ME! Because I am really starting to see myself as others have seen me for a while.
And the first step of the life changing is figuring out my career. No, not my next job, but my career. I am starting my own business. Once it’s up AND RUNNING, I am sure I will be blogging all about it, and advertising it all over the place. But I have learned, that I should keep my mouth shut until EVERYTHING is set in stone. Because Hater Ass People will wish the worst for you, and you might not even know who those people are.
One thing that I learned in 2007 is how much the people in your life effect your life. You might think that you can hang around as many people as you would like, but it just ain’t true. Birds of a Feather, and all that, SO TRUE. Because even if you have goals and plans and ideas, and you know that you don’t want to be where you are for the rest of your life – if you don’t hang around like minded people, you won’t ever get where you want to be.
I lost 4 people that I felt were really good friends last year. And losing them felt an empty place in my soul, because I was so used to having them in my life. But it’s kinda funny how as soon as some of those people were gone, things started to look up for me. I am not saying that they were bad people, but we weren’t in the same place anymore. And as much as you love people, and want to have them around you, just because you are comfortable around them, that comfort zone is probably not the place for you.
Everyone always says things like, you should only have 3 friends, everyone else should be treated as an aquaintance, for the most part, I am beginning to think they are right. Another part of my own personal growth in life has been Family.
(Now for the Second Part of this Blog)
I have been an only child for about 23 years of my life. I act like one, I tell people I am, and only my close friends even know what my TRUE family life is like. In truth, I am the youngest of 4 (because black folks don’t do Half-Siblings). I spent the last 12 years cut off from my family, because I chose to back away. It’s weird not really feeling like you belong anywhere, and of course part of that was my own issues.
But this Christmas I went back home, or rather, back to the place I was born. And it seems that since I have gotten over myself, life in AZ is pretty peachy keen! I got to hang out with my dad, and I am on the road to fixing that relationship. Plus, I realized that the main reason that I fell out with him in the first place, was because he stopped saying yes. Those of you who know me, understand how horrible that was to the 13 year old me. People NEVER told me no, that is why I am the spolied brat I am right now!
So imagine my surprise when I realized that half the things I was mad about was based on me being a pissed off lil girl, and not someone’s conscious thought about what would make me happy or upset. Yeah, I have decided that I am kinda self-centered that way. I take things VERY personally, and yet I tell people all the thime to stop taking my evey action so seriously. Talk about double standards.
But anyway, it was great to be around people that REALLY understand me, and don’t Judge Me Based on My Choices. People just like me. I loved being able to be myself, and not worry about what people were going to think, and how people were going to take my words. My family, THAT SIDE of my family, really just accepts me and so now I am kinda pissed about the fact that I waited this long to get back in touch with them. It would be REALLY WHACK to say that I feel like I am not alone in the world, but that is truly how I felt when I left, like wow, it’s okay now! And I forgot how it felt to be the Baby of the family, and the one that everyone just expected to get her way. Gosh that was AWESOME! Had the best time in AZ, i might have a make another trip out there for Thanxgiving!
But alot of things happened to me in 2007, good, bad, and in between. And yes, everything is still happening for a reason. And as I approach the age of 26, I am beginning to understand that I have to take what happens, and make myself out of it. At times it’s like molding yourself, out of the ashes and ruin. And it can actually be a fun experience.
I did that once before, when I started college. I changed my name (and got a SHIT load of flack for it), and decided that I was going to descover all there was to know on campus. Sometimes, you have to re-invent yourself, because you get so caught up in the bullshit mistakes, and the bad choices, and the horrible hurt and pain of your past, that you can’t move on. So you re-incarnate yourself. Go by your middle name, use your initials if need be. Move to a new city, or find a new job, start a business. Do something that takes you out of the self that you have become. What you minght find is that you were so stuck on yourself, you forgot to BE YOURSELF.
What do you want in your life for 2008? Not what do your parents, family, lovers, friends expect of you, but what do YOU want? Do you know who YOU are? Don’t let other people tell you what should make you happy.
If you like a guy, and he isn’t the most attractive person to your friends, don’t worry about them. He is not trying to take them out to dinner, and change their life, he is there for you. Let go of the people who are holding you back. Let go of the guilt for the choices you made. Fix what you can, but be man/woman enough to get out, before you are dragged under so far you can’t find your way out. At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself, no one else (unless you have kids, then that is different, but still)
All I want this year, is happiness. The other things will come, as long as I live a happy life. God rewards those to are a shining example. Not those who suffer in silence. You have to get over yourself, because if you don’t, everyone will get over on you. Ya Feel Me?
Now that I have written down every sappy sentiment I can think about, I am going to end this blog, but I hope that at least one person reads this, and thinks maybe Joy is right . . . I just wish I had people that loved me as much as I love myself, life would be PERFECT!