This is really like 3 blogs in one, and it has the potential to be kinda long, but we are just going to go with the flow, and let whatever comes out help me release all this pent-up energy.
First Subject: Love/Relationships
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. And once again, I don’t have one. But after a very interesting conversation, followed by on the phone discussion of the situation, I realized I still have some shit that I have to get over, in order to move on. I, of course want someone that I can’t have. Actually at this point, I don’t even know if I can’t have them, but this want, that has been here for so long, seems to be grabbing hold of me again. I have cycles, and usually they go away. And maybe today is just the crescendo of the cycle or the top of the bell curve if you want to be intelligent.
Love – this kind of love – when you are often in love alone, can tear you apart, shatter your whole world, or complete you. The problem I am having is that now I really don’t know what I feel anymore. Friendship, mixed with a sprinkling of good ole’ lust, and some love thrown in there for good measure. Wanting the best for someone, and understanding that you aren’t it . . . But still hoping that some kinda way you are . . . and knowing that even if you aren’t the one, you will always have a certain spot in their heart that no one else can touch. To see someone hurting, because of their situation, and just wanting to fix it, and make everything better.
Judging them, even as you secretly hate them for the way they have treated you in the past. All this stuff is going on in my head, about once a month as this point. It’s more regular than my period, for real. But at the end of the day, knowing that you spent a ridiculous amount of money to send a handmade Valentine’s Day Card First Class mail, because you just had to let them know how you really feel. Oh what a tangled web we seem to weave . . .
And on the other hand, someone tangible, right in my face. What wants me, wants me so bad that he has to bring it up every time I see him. That uses the word passion on a regular basis to describe how he feels about me, what he sees in my eyes, waiting to be tapped. Someone who cares about my well being, and wants to make me feel beautiful, but can’t quite satisfy the part of me that needs to feel special. The part of me that needs to know that you LOVE me, not lust for me, because, to me . . . one has nothing to do with the other.
Lust is fleeting, and I don’t have time for the temporary. I NEED, WANT, and DESERVE a little bit of consistency in my life. With all the upheaval, job wise, friend wise, life wise, family wise, I need someone that will just hold me when I need to be held. It’s like fighting with myself, CONSTANTLY, knowing that I need to be able to give myself to another person, but not trusting them enough to give in. For at least a year, this person has wanted me, and at times made me uncomfortable with his demands, because I am just not ready. And then, sometimes I feel like maybe I am, but I am holding on to that hope again, that maybe The One will figure out that I have been waiting for them all this time.
I gave up on Love. I gave up on Feelings. But they seem to be really coming to a head today, this day before we celebrate the Day of Love, which is really based on honoring Death. . . How backwards is that? (I am starting to believe this is going to be a stream of consciousness blog, yah dig)
Second Subject: New Shoes
How long have you held on to a pair of shoes? Had them on your feet, kept them right by the door, because you could just slip your feet right into them, and just run out. I bought new shoes today. Just walked in the store, and bought 2 pair, of non-white gym shoes. Now, on the purely superficial side of myself, my old shoes were looking just a lil bit crusty. Add to the fact that I had had them since college, yeah, I needed some new shoes. But more than that, that was just another comfort zone, another blankie that I needed to let go of. I need to step into a new pair of shoes, allow myself to walk a different path, not be afraid to step out there, and get my feet wet, if you will.
I finally got a Job today. It only took 14 months. God I hate Michigan. I FINALLY filled out some tax forms, and a direct deposit slip, and all the information. Got the fingerprints (with Ink and er’thing) presented all my tests, and my clearances, and got a start date. Maybe it was time, maybe it was luck, I don’t know. All I know is that this Job, it’s going to change some things. Not just my plans, but my relevance. I have worked with children almost forever, and to finally be able to take everything that I have learned, and apply it to a classroom where it will be looked at with open curiosity, and maybe even approval and research is AWESOME! I am really excited about this next part of my life, because I have a feeling that I am going to be walking in lots of different paths, me and my new shoes
Final Subject: Stupid, Attention Seeking, Dumb Ass People
So yeah, a lot of you have seen me type FTHE on random walls, and Discussion Boards, etc. While I am not going to tell you exactly what it means, it’s about to become the thing that I say when I notice stupidity. When I was asked what my biggest pet peeve was today, my answer, Stupid People. It’s not all about you: you, really, in the grand scheme are worth nothing, especially if you aren’t going to represent something positive in this world. And ALOT of people that I seem to be running into lately aren’t doing anything positive.
I don’t care if you have the mad photo-shopping skills; if you are a Big Fat Liar . . . I don’t care if you can sing your ass off, if you have a foul ass attitude. .. If I am really going to keep it real, no one likes you. Being a bitch might get people to the top, but when they get there, someone is waiting right there with a knife, gun, and ax . . . to stab them in the back, shoot them in the foot, and chop them right back down where they belong. My Nana always said, “You get more flies with Honey than you do with Shit.” Old people know what the hell they are talking about. There have been ALOT of Shit Fly’s roaming around in my peripheral vision lately, and I’m finna get the worlds largest Fly Swatter and beat them bitches back.
People need to learn humility, and humbleness. It will take you so much further than knowing everything. God has truly humbled me in the last 2 years. I didn’t know I needed that much humbling, and I wish that I hadn’t needed that much, because believe me folks, I have suffered. Poverty, Self-Doubt, Racism, betrayal, and that’s just the stuff that I can tell you about. And while all this is going on, I have just kept saying it’s all for a reason, there is a reason for this, there has to be. But it wasn’t until I got off my ass, and started being pro-active, and humbling myself enough to ask people for help, and to help others even when I couldn’t really afford it, that things have started to click, and come together.
I am done now, but I hope that whoever has read this got something out of it, even if it made you think you know a lil bit more about my secrets . . . you don’t though