Now on to the song that inspired me to write this. Let it be known, I am missing the Desperate Housewives of ATL Reunion to write this, so it must really be plaguing my spirit, ya dig. I was listening to the album for the like 14th day in a row at work last week, and I actually listened to the lyrics of Scared of Lonely. I used to pass it up, but I was too busy playing with my new Penis 2.0 (aka The Blackberry Storm) to change the song. So I am sitting in the car, and I hear . . .
I’m in this fight, and I’m swinging
And my arms are getting tired
I’m trying to be this emptiness but I’m running out of time
I’m sinking in the sand , And I can’t barely stand
I’m lost in this dream , I need you to hold me
I’m scared of lonely . . .
And I thought to myself, WOW. If that doesn’t explain the last couple years of my life, and how I have been living it, I don’t know what will. After that Epiphany that almost brought me to tears, came the clarity I needed to make it though that depressing ass thought . . . It’s okay to be Scared of Lonely, but it’s not okay to chase away your loneliness with people who aren’t worth your time.
I wonder, if people really know what It means to be Scared of Lonely. To have days of your life when you would rather be around people you don’t like than go home and hear your house settle. Or go to a party full of people, hoping that someone will notice/befriend you, and you won’t be standing there naked and exposed. Lonely is a feeling that no one will ever come around you again, and it’s a hard pill to swallow.
Lonely leads to phone calls for gratuitous sex late at night, or putting up with a trifflin’ ass nigga because at least he is taking up some space. Lonely leads to late night phone calls after you finished off that bottle of Vodka hidden in the freezer for just such a situation. Lonely (usually) leads to emails typed on your porch from your Blackberry Curve. Not saying I am speaking from any sort of experience, but seriously, Lonely is not a good place to be.
I try to be patient, but I’m hurting deep inside
And I can’t keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can’t find my way, won’t you lead me home
Cause I’m lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I’m scared of lonely
DAMMIT, I NEED A HUG. If you are a good friend of mine, I know you have heard me say that more than once. Because the Hugs often get rid of Lonely. Makes it go far away, or at least around the block, so that you don’t have to deal with it at that moment. Certain movies, songs, TV shows, smells can bring Lonely back, so can memories. Reading old notes, letters, emails, etc. keeps Lonely hanging around. So you divert your energy, put certain movies in a box, so that lonely never shows her face. But that Bitch is still there, waiting, lurking, hoping for the chance when something will trigger her to come back. So yes, I am TERRIFIED of Lonely, cuz she’s a sneaky Hoe. Sitting in her ’86 Ford Escort, with the souped up engine that her Ex bought her, waiting for you to invite her in.
. . .I’m scared of be the only
Shadow I see along a wall
And I’m scared the only heart beat
I hear a beating is my own
And I’m scared of been alone
I can’t see the breath when I am lost
In this dream, I need you to hold me
I’m scared of lonely
I have a friend, that went though something I pray I never have to experience in my lifetime. Losing someone you saw yourself spending the rest of your life with, in a comepletely unexpected sort of way would have killed me. Just broken me completely. I can’t IMAGINE the Lonely that comes with her situation. We weren’t that close before a car accident changed her life forever, but I love her now. NOt only because she is just a kick ass person, but because she survived her Lonely. She made it through, one day at a time. And that is not to say she hasn’t had some rough days, but she survived her Lonely, and is probably a stronger person for it.
Watching (reading, lol) her go through all that let me know that for every Lonely, there is a Complete. There is looking in the eyes of your child, and seeing that love there EVERYDAY. There is the flush of a crush, or the distraction of best friends. You don’t have to stay Lonely, and you don’t have to fear it either. Because we all know, Lonely and Drama run hand and hand, as we move past those college years, and see the Drama that Lonely brings when she pulls up in that Ford Escort, we have learned to RUN the other way. Quite possibly into the arms of Hello . . .
I love to see you walk into the room
Body shining lighting up the place
And when you talk, everybody stops
Cause they know you know just what to say
Baby, I respect you for that
And when you grow, you take everyone you love along
And Baby I love you for that
Don’t need to buy a diamond key to unlock my heart
You shelter my soul
You’re my fire when I’m cold
I want you to know
You had me at hello . . .