Confessions of a Single Black Female: Volume 2

I didn’t think I would be writing this so soon. Because I really don’t feel like I have that much stuff that I have to get off my chest. But after FB stalking this guy this morning, I realized that I wasn’t done letting people know how I felt about them, in the most passive aggressive way i know. Because what are all these notes, but a Passive/Aggressive way to get my voice heard. Because if I put it in my status long enough, you are going to be nosy enough to read it, at least until you get to the part that we both know is about you. There goes that honesty thing, coming out . . . It’s about to fuck a FEW people up this morning . . . it is.
Truth Hurts
It wasn’t THAT mind-blowing.
Confession #7 (Thanks Renisha) The Dick Down does NOT=the Dumb Down

The Dick Down does not make us stupid…Just because the sex is good, great or fabulous does not mean you can follow up with telling me grass is lavender & the sky is pea green and i’ll believe you. Bullshit…. fucking my brains out does not mean they are gone literally. You lying to my face, and then instead of admitting it you give me more head doesn’t mean I am going to forget that you are a big fat liar . . . it will just make me remember it later on in the day. Side Note: Don’t think that because I couldn’t walk for 15 minutes after means that you are the greatest sex I had ever had. Honestly, if someone was making you move in all those positions for over an hour, you would be weak-kneed too.

I’ve done it . . . So?
Confession #8: I Check your Facebook Page

Yes, I friended you for a reason. It could be that you made a funny comment in a group that I belong to, or because you are a member of my “brother” org, or because that is how you told me to contact you the first time, but we are FaceBook friends for a reason. I check your status messages, your tagged photos, and our mutual friends. (If we are MySpace friends, I get the profile updates too). Not because I am necessarily a stalker, but because many of people have fucked up via FaceBook. If I asked you a question, and the conversation led to you telling me about your travels, I already knew. I saw your photo album. With the girl you said wasn’t your girlfriend, that you took on that “Vacation.” Also, the wall-to-wall feature has ended so many relationships! Take that shit to the inbox if you are trying to be slick. If you can’t figure out why I know that you are lying, please refer to Confession #7.

Which name were U given?
Confession #9: You Have a Nickname

It’s easier for me to give people nicknames when talking about them. So while your mother/father gave you that name, it’s really not important in the grand scheme of things. Once I have told Dominique or Meaux or Nisha about you, you have become Motorcycle Guy, or The Giver of Monster Head, or the Nekkid {insert your favorite Greek Org here}, or flaw about yourself that I have noticed. This also allows me to speak about you in public without our mutual friends knowing who you are. Because even though I write notes about the shady shit I do, I don’t want others to know ALL my business. Now that I have shared this with you, please note: During foreplay/intercourse/whatever, it becomes increasingly difficult to say your name, because in my head you have become one of the Aforementioned names. All women do this, if your girlfriend or significant other says they never do this, they are lying. Also, most of the names you have picked out for your penis are stupid.

Again, Why Lie . ..
Confession #10: I do actually use my boobs to my advantage

I know I wrote about not looking at my boobs and getting to know me as a person, but they do actually come in handy at times. Like when I am trying to get in the club at the 10:30pm price, and it’s 11:15pm, the girls have saved the day plenty of times. Also, because I know that you like them, I let them send you text messages. {Example: The girls were wondering how your day is going?} That will always get a response. No dude is going to look at that text message and be like, “Nah, I’m not going to talk to her today.” They are a sure fire way to get attention in most situations. They can be the conversation STARTER, not the entire conversation. Get it.

I really am 🙂
Confession #11: I’m cute because I’m cute, not because I’m Cute for a Fat Girl (Thanx Vee)

I’m an attractive person. God saw the need to make me attractive. So you telling me that I am really beautiful, for a big girl (or a thick girl, or a biggun’, or for an obese woman) is NOT A COMPLIMENT. Considering the fact that I have been this size for quite some time, I work with what I have. Most likely, you aren’t going to talk to me in the club, because Skinny Sue over there is easier to molest, and that is fine. But PLEASE don’t think I have big girl issues, and a statement about my “cuteness” is going to make me go down on you, it’s not. Not all big girls have low/no self esteem. In fact, like the gays, we LOVE who we are. So stop telling people they are cute for {insert some asinine qualifier here} It only makes us dislike you faster.

That shit is just funny!
Confession #12: Stuff about you turns me on, NOT YOU (Thanx Meaux)

Something about you made me want to date/talk to/have sex with/textually seduce you. It could be your smile, your accent (New York and Boston accents are the BEST), your chest, your brand, your car, the size of your lips, etc. It’s usually something quite shallow that made me approach you in the first place. I didn’t look at you and say, “Wow, their entire being makes me whole.” It doesn’t work like that. I have been attracted to people I don’t like. As in, I don’t even talk to you in public, and I’ve seen you naked more than once. I might never talk to you, because I don’t like your voice and that ruins the illusion of everything else. Women are JUST as shallow as men, we just hide it better when it comes to the men we date/talk to/have sex with/textually seduce. So if every time I see you, my nips stand at attention, it could be cuz you always have on a certain cologne, or you always drive up in the same car. It’s not you . . . not really.


2 thoughts on “Confessions of a Single Black Female: Volume 2

  1. OMG #11 is SO DAMN TRUE…I am so fuckin sexy even in my ‘fluffiness’. I may have to do some stretches before but I can and will fuck the ‘dog’ shit out of a man…skiny gals complain..I throw it back, and ask his ass to get some snacks for energy for round 2,3,4,5…

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