Diane Warren Ruined my Life (or, I’m So Sick of Love Songs)

Yes, I blame it all on Diane Warren. She is the cause of like 50% of all the world’s problems. For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is a Song Writer. Actually, just calling her a Song Writer is like calling Michael Jackson just this guy that sang and danced. Diane Warren has written more songs than Jesus at this point. I kid you not. If you don’t believe me, check out the ASCAP Website. Then look at the number of songs she has been given credit for writing. Did you look? Fuggin Told You! That Woman in the Damn Devil!
Evil Love Song Writing Bitch!

Now before you say that I am blaming that white woman for the problems that affect me and my friends, listen to my case okay.

Quick, name the first song you heard that made you think to yourself, “Damn, I can’t wait to be in Love.” That Heffa Wrote it. Was your song I Turn To You when Christina Aguilerra sang it? Or was that song, The Arms of the One Who Loves You . Or maybe, if you don’t listen to R & B, it was How Do I Live (the Trisha Yearwood Version) .

All those songs, She is responsible for. All the Bullshit, that people have been made to believe about what love really is, she wrote it. Just sending those words out into the world all willy nilly. With no warning labels or NOTHING! I wonder how she does it? Does she just sit down at her piano and think, “How can I cause some young girl to think that a random dude is heaven on earth.” She probably does just that. Then she cackles her Evil Succubus Cackle, and begins to write her “Masterpieces of Love.”

She Had Me Messed up on the First Album . . .
For You I Will

Pretty Much the gist of this song is: Regardless of what I think is right, true, or sane – I Will Do Whatever You Ask Me To Do. Like The United States Postal Service before me, I won’t let Rain, Hail, Sleet or Snow stop you from getting what you want in life. Because that is what real loov is all about!

I will be your savior, do things normally impossible, because I Love You. Who the hell is this woman?!?! Like who sits at home like, “I would Do this for someone, I think I will write a song about it.” As a 14 year old girl, if this is what you are hearing on the radio, and you don’t have a solid background to explain that this is FICTION and DayDreams, this is your definition of love! Are you Serious? People wonder why young women stay in Horrible Relationships, long after a sane people would have left . . . DIANE FUGGIN’ WARREN!

Titanic Freezing in the Damn Water Love, cuz that Heffa Rose wouldn’t move her fat ass over!
Because You Loved Me

First of all, this song is great. But that’s beside the point. The real point I am trying to make, is once again, listening to this song fugged up my view of what Love/Relationships should be about. According to this song, when you can’t make it, it’s the job of the person you love, or the person who is in love with you, to make everything better. Because let’s face it, You can’t do anything on your own. You can’t solve your own problems, you need a significant other to fix the broken pieces of your life. How unfortunate for those of us that are single, and alone in the world. We will never be loved the “Right Way.” Never know what “Real Love” is like, until we have someone who loves us. Someone who would go above and beyond the call of duty, just to make us feel loved.

Are you starting to understand why I Hate Diane Warren yet?

No?!?!

Okay, I will give you another example.

Love Him, especially in Fight Club!
I’d Lie for You (and That’s the Truth)

Just to show that I’m not biased, and think it’s only the songs that women sing that are ruining the lives and relationships of the people I know, I’ll use this song for example. It pretty much follows the same vein as the first 2 “Love Songs” I mentioned above. I’ll do anything you ask me to do, because that is what being in love means. But what happens when the man you love, doesn’t do that? What happens when you aren’t his first priority, and he doesn’t move heaven and earth to make you happy?

Then What? . . .

You break up with him. Call him a selfish bastard who doesn’t care about you at all. You make all kinds of mix CD’s with all the Love Songs you grew up listening to, so that you can remind yourself how that man failed you.

Did you ever think that maybe you were the one who was wrong? Of Course Not! Diane Warren and all the rest of these songwriters who write beautiful love songs never tell us we are wrong. Then, just when you think that maybe you were a tad bit harsh, maybe you jumped to the wrong conclusion, maybe you should try talking to the person you love about how you feel and what you expect, Diane Fuggin’ Warren sends you a song that let’s you know you were right all along!

Love Her! See her in Concert, it’s amazing . . .
Bruised, but Not Broken

This is such a beautiful song. It’s all about getting over the person who did you wrong, and rising above all the pain. I have a friend who considers this song part of the reason she was able to get over her 10 year abusive relationship. But for some of us who live vicariously through music, this song subtly tells us that we don’t really need that asshole man. Oh, No. There is someone even better out there. Someone who will love us like Celine, and Monica, and Meatloaf said they should.

This is why I am so sick of Love Songs. Because they don’t tell the truth. Yes, there are songs out there that are realistic about live and love. I suggest all things India Arie. I was going to say Anthony Hamilton, but I recently discovered one of my favorite songs by him, “Do You Feel Me?” from the American Gangster Soundtrack was written by none other than Diane Fuggin’ Warren. She is tainting EVERYONE. Ne-Yo is running a close second though.

Ol’ Lumpy Headed Love Song Writing Negro . . .

How do you create a song CALLED “So Sick (of Love Songs) then spend the next THREE DAMN YEARS writing them for other people. Hypocrite Much? I must say, there are some songs that continue to touch my heart, that will forever hold a place in my heart, even though I know they are complete and utter bullshit. But I think the first step to not being sucked into Diane Warren’s web of Lies and Deceit is the be on guard!

So I wrote this blog for you friends, to make sure I exposed you to the TRUTH. For it shall set you free. Diane Warren has forever skewed my view of Love. Forever made me find songs that match how I feel about whoever I am dating/sexing/crushing. Sing songs while I’m driving because I’m just that in Love. She doesn’t have to do the same for you. There is still hope that you will stop listening to songs, and LIVE YOUR LIFE. Stop letting Love Songs guide you down the Path of MisUnderStanding, and instead embrace Your Heart. Not Diane Warren’s.

Because Face It, it’s probably a dark soulless abyss that leads straight to hell.

Not that I am Judging her, I’m Just Sayin’.

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