Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial

I have been formulating this note for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when my darling Brother in Blue, Esoteric Eric wrote my note!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Click here for his note<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

No Promo

Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}

To Heaux or not To Heaux, That is the Question

For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.

The Club Heaux The Club Heaux is a myth. She presents herself as put together, and about her business. But her only business is making sure she can get a man, or your man, to take care of her. She will never buy a drink for herself, never cook you a meal, never pay to get into the club. But, she does have a Phat Ass. She knows all the bartenders, bouncers, and DJ’s. She always has a free ticket to every sporting event, and can give you a list of famous and infamous people she has been with.

Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.

Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model

Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla

All Hail the Queen
The Aging HeauxThe Aging Heaux is a bit of a puzzle. Back in the day, she was the best of the Club Heauxs. But 30 came and went, and she had to take her game to a different level. This is the Heaux who realized that you have to find security, you can’t just go from man to man. Her new target, Club OWNERS, Plant Workers, Sports Players. Because the random dude in the club isn’t going to pay for those $1500 weaves she has to buy because her hair is thinning. The Aging Heaux has different priorities. She needs a stable care-giver, not a fly by night type of lover. She has bills, and most likely children that need to be taken care of. She only hits the club scene for special events. She instead hits the Fireman’s Balls, the Undertaker’s Conventions, and the Policeman’s Yearly Fundraiser. Because a Pension trumps that $100 she paid for that ticket.

Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything

Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father

Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)

Really? Hottest Rapper Out Right Now?
The Young HeauxThe Young Heaux is new to the scene. She may not even be out of high school yet, but she is honing her Heaux-Like skills already. The Young Heaux is often times mistaken for The Misguided Heaux { more on her later} but TYH knows exactly what she is doing. Her plan, to be as popular as possible as quickly as possible. If she has to be involved in a Circle Jerk with the entire Basketball Team, so be it. But at least they will know her name. In the mind of the Young Heaux, Any Publicity is Good Publicity is Good Publicity. She has a part time job, to keep herself in the the latest gear, because she hasn’t figured out how to make someone pay for it – yet. The Young Heaux WILL turn into a Club Heaux without proper intervention.

Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved

Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady

Role Models: Nicky Minaj

Please watch Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew on VH1
The Misguided HeauxThe Misguided Heaux is a lost lil’ lamb. She doesn’t always know why she is acting like a Heaux, it just happens. Often times, the Misguided Heaux has some kind of severe sexual trauma in her part {known or unknown} and this severely damages who they are. Their entire sexual make-up is changed. The Misguided Heaux seeks affection from whoever is closest to her. She acts out sexually, is often times judgmental and critical of others, even if they are exhibiting the exact same behavior she is. The root of her Heaux status is not the need to be promiscuous, but the need for attention, affection, and acceptance.

Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes

Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior

Role Models: None

You Mad Huh?
The Heaux that Took Your ManThe Heaux that Took Your Man is a foul bitch, huh? She just stole him right out of your hands!?! You were blindsided by that Heaux! Or, did she take your man because you couldn’t hold on to him? The Heaux that Took Your Man, isn’t really a Heaux at all. She just did something that you couldn’t. You could actually learn something from the Heaux that Took Your Man. Something about her worked, while something about you didn’t. No, Confessions of a Single Black Female, doesn’t condone Man Stealing Heauxs. We do, however, understand that The Heaux that Took Your Man, works harder than you. She was on her GRIND. She saw your man, saw his untapped potential, and got in where the F*ck she fit in!

Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter

Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision

Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc

She was the Main Heaux, if you know your D-Town History. Carlotta was really the Heaux that Took Her Man . . .
The Heauxfessional

Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.

Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit

Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected

Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth

Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy

We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated

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