Letting You Go . . .

*SADE’s Soldier of Love Album is the perfect soundtrack to this . . .

I’ve loved you since I was 18 years old.  When I didn’t even know what love was, you were there.  You gave me everything I could ever have dreamed of in a man.  Strange, but even admitting that now doesn’t make our relationship mean any less.

I’ve loved you from a place inside me that was solely created for you.  I’ve never allowed myself to love another person the way I love you.  I haven’t been able to be honest with any other man about how I felt, because it always felt like I was somehow lessening what we mean to each other.

You were the epitome of my Knight in Shining Armor.  You Saved Me, when I didn’t even know I needed to be saved.  I have spent the last 5 years, trying to be for you what you have been for me.  My Saving Grace, my light at the end of a dark tunnel.  When everyone else left me, and no one understood me, you were there.  Saying the right words, at the right time, in the right tone of voice, that let me know everything was going to be OK.

You formed what I find attractive.  Conversation is how we fell in love, the ONLY thing we’ve ever had to enable us to be friends/lovers/nothing. I can’t even describe the feeling that used to come over me when the phone would ring, and I would know it was you.  Your voice was an aphrodisiac, an agitator, a drug for so many years.  I could say to you what I can’t say to myself.  Things I have never admitted to myself, I can admit to you.

I am, who I am, because of you.  I didn’t write before I met you.  I had a journal, but I never used it.  When I couldn’t find a way to tell you what I wanted to say, I wrote about it.  The first poem I ever wrote was based on our relationship.  The cadence of my phrasing, the metaphors that I use, are based solely on how I speak to you.  Because you, are , me.  It hurts to love you this much, and still have to say to you . . . .

I can’t anymore.

I can’t Love You, I can’t be your friend, I just can’t.  Because the Man I Fell in Love with, no longer exists.  Somewhere along the way, we went down different paths.  I keep trying to go back to June 2000, when everything was perfect.  When you had LIFE GOALS, and you felt that you were going to transcend all the bullshit that was your life.  When we planned our paths together, and said what we were going to be when we Grew Up.

I Grew Up …………………………………………………………………. Where Did You Go?

What happened to Dr. ________? Where did he go? If you were anyone else, I could understand that plans change, and life can sometimes kick you in the ass. But WE don’t fall apart.  WE pick ourselves up, and WE move on.  What happened? What didn’t you tell me about, that changed who you were?  Because, somewhere along the way, I lost you.

You are my best friend, and I don’t even know you anymore.  I have held on to you, to us, for so long I don’t really know how to let you go.  Part of me feels that If I do let you go, it will break you.

Because every single time you let me go/disappointed me/made someone more important than me – it Broke Me.

That isn’t what I want to do.  I want YOU back.  I want My Best Friend back.  I look for you in other people, but they can’t BE you.

You aren’t you.

I miss you.  So Much.  So. Fucking. Much. To be overly verbose . . .

I miss you like Wind Misses the Air . . . . Like The Ocean misses the Water. . . . . Like Night misses the Stars.

You are and forever will be part of me, that’s missing.  Because I HAVE to let you go.  I HAVE to move on, I have to find what you used to give me in someone else.  It won’t be the same.


This Is No Ordinary Love.

You are my Best Friend.  Closer than Stacey, deeper than My Mother.  You are it . . . . .

You need to do you.  I have to allow you do.  Because you don’t need me to fix you, you aren’t crying out for my help. You don’t need me like I thought you did.  So I am going to let you go.

I can’t tell you how to live your life.  My words seem to be falling on deaf ears lately.  Moments when I used to feel you from afar seem to be few and  far between.  I used to feel you breathe, now you seem to choke me.  God, that hurts to even write.  Because there will always be a part of me that wants to Love You with everything I Have.

But I can’t, Not Anymore………………………………………………………….

And hope that one day, a few years from now, when I am sending out invites to my wedding, or my baby shower, or my Masters Graduation invites, you will be there.  Whole, Happy, and Successful.

Because, if nothing else, I have ALWAYS wanted the best for you.

I Love You.

I’m Sorry.


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