Somebody told me once that pain is a game we all gotta play.
Then why am in over time & sudden death every other day
I know that for the good of life there’s a price we all gota pay
But ill pay till im poor and I still dont know . . . . .what it is to have a good day
I wasn’t supposed to write this blog today. I can tell you that because BOTH my laptops stopped working, at the same time, because these words were on my heart, and I had to get them out. And The Devil didn’t want me to. I’m not usually the person that blames the Devil when things go wrong, but I’m going to give him ALL THE CREDIT for this one. Anyway, back to the purpose of this blog.
I lived my life thinking, I Can Do Bad All By Myself. I didn’t want anyone to know exactly what my issues were. It hurts to let people know are weak. That you can’t deal with the everyday things that most people deal with without major breakdowns. So I lived my life, hiding the pain and the hurt and the everything else.
Freshman Year of College, 2nd day there, I had a attend the Gospel Music Workshop for the Ebony Heritage Singers. Our Teacher sang a song that I had known all my life, In The Garden. ON THE FLOOR CRYING. It was like God was telling me that I wasn’t alone. That this whole time, he had been walking beside me, just waiting on me to notice.
Everything else in my life had blinded me from the one thing I needed to know, that I wasn’t alone.
You Just Don’t Wanna Know
“Now it’s true that God is always there, He said He’d never leave.
But at times the human touch is what I need.
And if I had a dime for every time
I tried to call your name.
Some tell me, I’d be wealthy . . . “
I turned my back on a friend, in her time of need, because I really didn’t want to know. I wasn’t able to deal with her pain, because I was living in mine. It’s very hard to now try to mend that relationship, because I did to her what I never wanted done to me . . . I walked away.
I think the reason this movie means so much to me, is because I saw my story behind all the theatrics.
If you don’t talk about something, it will never heal.
So all these blogs I have written this year are just that, me talking about it. ME letting it GO. This whole healing process had been hard, because at times we don’t want to discuss how much we need the help of others. We see crying out for help as a sign of weakness, that it someone makes up less than a person. Because everyone you encounter seems to be perfectly capable of living their life. Pain/Guilt/Hurt Free.
It wasn’t until I started being HONEST about the things that caused me so much pain, that I found out people I thought had a perfect life were in as much or more pain as I was. This isn’t a blog about my pain, because my pain is gone (or at least it feels that way).
This blog is about that moment, when you realize that you have done all the steps. You have admitted all your faults, laid yourself bare for the world to see. Some people just don”t want to know, and you will find out who they are. But after you have done all that then what?
Oh Lord, I Want You To Help Me.
You can’t ask the Lord to Heal You. He doesn’t have a magic healing wand. You can’t ask God to just make it go away, then wait on him to do all the work. Just out of your friends, how many people do you know who call on God everyday? He’s got so much work to do. He can’t be the principle person in your recovery.
“I pray every night girl, and it just doesn’t seem to get better.”
My question to you is, What Are You Praying For? What are you asking of the Lord? Because he can’t make you forget the pain. He can’t make you forget the times when you felt all alone in the world. He can’t make it go away.
But He Can Help You.
He can be In The Garden, standing beside you, to be a SUPPORT system when you falter. But You have to do it yourself. You have to take those steps, The Lord will NEVER push you on your way. That’s not the Kind of God he is. If you have tried your friends, and they don’t seem to be able to help you get there, then you are going it alone.
You spent your life hiding behind your pain, and your hurt, and your issues. So maybe hiding isn’t the solution. You NEVER know who can relate to your story. You never know who can fully understand your pain. So be honest, and ASK FOR HELP.
Not a Quick Fix.
I got Help, from people who don’t even know they helped me. At times when it seemed the most inappropriate time to ask for help.
“Help Me On My Journey,
Help Me on My Way,
Oh Lord, I Want You To Help Me.”
I met someone this year, who changed my outlook on a lot of things, in a very short period of time. I tell him all the time, I am so glad I met him. I don’t know if he knows how very glad I am. He gave me a reason to share my story, the TRUTH of my story. To be honest about where I have been, and how far I have come. Even more so, he reminded me how far I have to go.
I Thank You For That . . . You Know who You Are.