Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol. 11: Just My Imagination?

In the previous installment of  CSBF – Vol 10: What These Bitches Want from a N*gga, I talked about what SOME women want a man to be.  Most of my female friends said it was a great read, but I don’t know of very many men who read it, which is fine.  It’s my hope that one day, a man will stumble across my Joyful Words of Wisdom, and realize how stupid he has been all his life towards women.  It could all be a pipe dream, but it’s MY dream, so I will stick to it.

Speaking of Dreams, lets talk about having expectations.  Those things that you want for yourself, and believe that you deserve just because you are you.  Most women say, “I just want the man who is perfect for me,” and that is a noble statement.  But I call Bullshit.  You want the Perfect Man.  You want women to want to be you because of the man you have.  You want to be able to feel the regret of all your ex’s when you and your new man walk into the room.

Is there a difference between having Standards and Unrealistic Expectations?

My Classified ad for my future husband would look like this:


  • 35 years or older Black Man. College educated (BA/BS preferred).
  • Member of BGLO preferred, but not required (D9 affiliation is a must)
  • No Children, or STD’s.
  • Must have credit score of 600+ (exceptions will be made if student loans are involved)
  • Must have CAREER not a job.
  • Fidelity is a must, please have sown all your wild oats.
  • Must have a relationship with your family (either the one God gave you, or the one you have created for yourself)
  • Must have a strong relationship with God (Jesus Freaks need not apply)
  • Must be taller than 5’8″ and in decent health.
  • Must be attractive to me, and must be ATTRACTED to me.
  • Should be able to hold conversations with groups of various ethnic/religious/social backgrounds.
  • Must have clean criminal record. No felonies or misdemeanors. (Speeding tickets accepted.)
  • Must live alone. No roommates, family members, ex-girlfriend/best friend/occasional love interest allowed.
  • Must be ready to commit to a stable loving and committed relationship within the next year.

Finding this man in today’s world is like – Finding a Leopard Print, Purple Unicorn on the Isle of Altantis.  In the middle of a Catergory 7 Hurricane on February 31th.

Yes, this is what I want.  He may actually exist, somewhere in this world.  What is the probability of me finding him? Unless Oprah or Ellen finds my blog, and posts it on their websites, Slim to NONE.  We all have that picture in our head of who and what we want in life.  It’s okay to have hopes and dreams and thoughts about what would make you happy. But are they really just delusions of grandeur?

Cleaning out my DVR today, I actually watched “What Chili Wants,” and part of me wanted to just send her and email and say,” Bish Please!”  The other part of me wanted to say, “Why is it so bad to know what you want?” In the fight to find your mate, you have to know what you WON’T accept.  Somethings will be a deal breaker, and that is okay.  But, are you sticking to your guns because you want to control every aspect of your man/relationship, or because there is some logical explanation as to why you can’t have A, B, or C in your life?

Even after you have established your rules/guidelines, God has a way of laughing at you.  He might send you the exact opposite of everything you ever thought you wanted, and it might end up perfect for you.  Set your rules ladies, have them in the forefront of your mind.  Just don’t let them stop you from finding happiness.

  1. Finding a man who meets every requirement on your list, but he eats pork, doesn’t mean you ditch him.  You just introduce the man to Turkey Bacon and go on about your day.
  2. Finding a man who isn’t college educated, but can hold a conversation and reads more books than you, doesn’t mean you get rid of him.  It means you try to motivate him to take some online classes and maybe he can introduce you to some authors other than Omar Tyree and Eric Jerome Dickey.
  3. Finding a man who makes you laugh, smile, and generally enjoy life, but he’s not Black, doesn’t mean you should let that go.  It means that maybe you need to open your mind and see where that path will take you.

There is a difference between CHANGING your expectations,

and LOWERING them.

Is This You?

2010 seems to be the “Year of Settling for What the Hell I Can Get.”  Every time I see someone who settled, it just grates my nerves.  WOMEN!!!!!! Stop taking what you can get, start demanding that these men step up and be MEN.  loneliness is a Bitch, but so is Self-Loathing.  If you choose a man because he took up space, that is all he will ever do.  Take up space.

Everybody needs love, but maybe they don’t need love from YOU.  Yes, he may be fine, but can he hold a job? Did he move in with you because he got evicted from his studio apartment? Does he have 5 kids, but doesn’t see any of them.  What is he bringing into the relationship? In the biblical sense, he is supposed to be the head of your household. Can he do that? Does he have the potential to do that? Is he motivated enough to do it?

As long as we put up with, Whatever We Can Get, we will continue to deal with, Ain’t Shit Dudes.  Because you put up with his bullshit, he makes the assumption that anyone will.  As previously stated, I am NOT that one.  I refuse to let you get away with anything, if I can’t do the same.  The relationship rules must apply on both sides.  Ladies, if we don’t start making men live up to the most #Basic of standards, there will be all types of shenanigans happening as we look the other way.

So yes, I have standards and goals and guidelines and deal breakers, but I also know . . .

What you want might make you cry
What you need might pass you by
If you don’t catch it, (If you don’t catch it)
And what you need ironically
Will turn out what you want to be
If you just let it,  (If you just let it)

As always, Questions/Comments/Concerns are welcome.  Thanks for reading Guys!

3 thoughts on “Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol. 11: Just My Imagination?

  1. As always, GREAT read. This doesn’t necessarily apply to me because I’m awesome! (just kidding), but because I’m a woman, but I think that women all over the world should read this and apply to some facet of their lives.

    Remember, each one, teach one.

  2. Gal…you need to get out of my head…I was really looking at trying to be with somenone who was not worth it. He made me scream in the key not on the keyboard 5 times no good nut is worth me dropping to that level in regards to everything else that is a MUST for me. Now I am a card carrying member of the peni lover club but a nice long thick one that is circumcised just right is NOT enough for you to be pillar in my story…you oh well hung one are good enough for the HOT momments we have and then we part ways. The same way you can’s turn a Heaux to a housewife is the same for men and turning them into HUSBANDS.

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