I can’t even try to count the number of men I have had a crush on in my life. Hell, freshman year of college was at least 12. Men are and always have been there, in the corner of my eye, on my mind in some way, shape, form, or fashion. I had my first boyfriend (Christopher Allen Greer) in PRE-SCHOOL!! He was in Kindergarten, and we got in trouble for kissing on the indoor monkey bars.
In the Story of my Life, there are only 3 men that made an impact to the point that I can STILL remember our first meeting, the first time we touched, and how I felt when they broke my heart. Because all of them did. Maybe they didn’t mean to, but they did. My recent trip home, while filled with laughter and merriment was also been filled with some soul-searching and letting things/people go. I had to see a few people, and realize that I had moved on, even though I didn’t know I had.
Angel of Mine
When I was 12, I fell in love with a Boy. He was no ordinary boy, he was almost a man. On the cusp of becoming a grown-up. He made me laugh, he talked to me when I talked to him, and we bounded over our mutual love of Bone Thugs in Harmony. (I remember while writing this, he is the Reason I liked them). He was the first man I ever found sexually attractive. The first time I saw him, I felt something in a place I didn’t know existed.
Watching him walk, all the pent-up anger/frustration making his muscle bunch and release whenever he made a move. If I had to compare his gait to any animal it would be a cougar. Halting and yet fluid. I did all kinds of things to get him to notice me, but he was 17. He couldn’t see me………. But I still remember how I used to feel when he did pay attention to me. That rush of adrenaline, that hope that maybe this time is going to be the one that makes him stay and converse for hours like I want to. He was my 1st Crush and my first case of Puppy Love . . .
I Keep On Fallin’ . . . .
I met who I still consider to be my Soulmate when I was 18. The connection was instantaneous. There was no question about how we felt about each other. It was like we had spent our entire lives waiting for confirmation that someone else existed that understood us. From the food we liked to eat to the songs we sang in the shower we were completely in sync with each other. We plotted out our children’s names. Where we were going to live, the kind of jobs we would have. Our future was waiting for us to conquer it.
I loved him in a way I didn’t even think was possible. Crazy as this sounds, I loved him more than I loved myself. He knew it, so did I and we were just fine with that. The first time we broke up, I can remember screaming so loud that my next door neighbor knocked on the door to see if someone was attacking me. I took a shower for two hours. Sang the entire “One Wish” album by Deborah Cox three times. I slipped into what I later realized was clinical depression.
And yet, when he came back we started all over again. It was a crazy type of relationship. Emotionally draining and yet filling at the same time. Over time, our relationship turned into friendship. He’s still my soulmate, just changed the connotation of the word. He knows me better than I know myself. I look for pieces of him in almost man I pursue. But nothing will ever compare to that first connection……..
I Don’t Wanna Let You See . . . . .
The One that Got Away. The first time we met it was because I was yelling at him. He came into my world and tried to challenge everything that I had built and cultivated in a three-year period. Who would have the audacity, the unmitigated gall to step up and criticize me?!?!? I took his attack hella personal. But oh when I saw him, Good Lord! I forgot to be mad. He was the Epitome of Good Black Man. Smart, sexy, ambitious. He knew where he was going. It was up to you to either catch up or get left behind. I ran like a mu’fucka. I was NOT gonna be left behind.
In the back of my mind, I always thought we would end up together. Thinking about it now, I don’t think we ever discussed relationship type things. It was unspoken. Everyone in our immediate circle knew it. We knew it, at least I think we did. We just fit together. Physically and mentally, he aroused me and challenged me without being over bearing or blatant about it. I wanted to be there to see him succeed, to see him come into his own and be the Man I knew he would be.
If Only………..They say everything happens for a reason, but I often wonder where we would have ended up if I had been vocal about what I wanted instead of assuming he knew? What if he had come to visit for my birthday that year? I loved him, with a gentle kind of love that would have lasted 60+ years. I went a long time without seeing him. Partially because we don’t live near each other anymore, but more because I knew that I wasn’t ready to see him yet. My heart was still a little bruised and no one was to blame but me. . . . .
You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind . . . .
We all sometimes look back at our lives and think about what might have been. In the area of Love/Relationships I have often looked back to see the mistakes I’ve made, in order to not make the same mistakes again. Trying to navigate this new relationship, I can’t help but look back into the old ones. Fear of Failure at something that has become an important investment to me is compelling me to think about my past. Thankfully, I look back at these three men with smiles, not tears. They all taught me something about Life, Love, and Myself. So every time they ‘Cross My Mind I’m thankful they were in my life, and even more thankful that they still are.