Okay. So just for a second we are going to pretend that I am not horribly racist, and that I can write a blog that is not completely based on my supreme dislike of White People Churches.
That being said, I Hate White People Church. Not because I hate White People, but because their church is boring as hell. *I will be cursing in this blog about religion, GTFOI* Not boring becuz it’s White People. But boring because CLEARLY they don’t serve the same God as I do.
Let’s discuss the White People Church Service I went to this morning.
I should have known when I walked in. I was trying to have hope, but the average age of the people in the congregation was 60. And not “Sexy 60” more like “age spot, leather skin, diet my whole life type 60,” ya dig? But I was like, “Do NOT judge these people and their love of our Lord Jesus Christ. They could be live as hell.”
So I find my seat on the far left, which is where i sit so that no one can see me tweeting, and begin to peruse the “bulletin.” Except, at White People Church, it’s called a Program. It’s in Full Color and it’s a 11×17 trifold. It was all good until I saw this:
MU’FUCKA FOR REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just forget separation of Church and State (that’s in the FUCKING CONSTITUTION) Is that what we do at Church? I knew at this point that I wasn’t going to enjoy this church. I also knew they were not happy that I was there. I was still like, maybe this will work. Maybe I can make it without being mad. Then a portly gentleman touches me on my back and says:
Him: “I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your singing “Let Freedom Ring.” Me: Yeah, I don’t go to this church, this is my first time here Him: Oh Wow, Ya’ll really do all look alike. Me:
30 FUCKING SECONDS LATER:
Her: I loved your Solo Me: That wasn’t me Her: Are you sure, you look just like her! Me: (~_-)
Yup. Service hadn’t even started yet. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see what signifies the beginning of praise and worship in White People Church. 4 White dudes in Khaki Shorts, Striped Polo’s Thong Sandals, holding various types of Guitars. Yes Friends, the Praise Team is Here! One Bass Guitar, an Electric Guitar, Two Acoustic Guitars, a dude on a piano w/ a mike, and two white girls in sun dresses! Let’s Get Ready to Praise White Jesus!!!!
The leader of the Praise Team thought he was Jason Mraz, just a strummin’ his guitar and scatting during songs that did NOT require vocalizations. White People Churches don’t really praise God. They sing at him. At one point, this lady started tapping her feet. Her husband nudged her. She stopped.
Not a hand was clapped or waved. They just read the words of the screen, and swayed to the beat. Everything was to the tune of the most boring song you have ever heard. But my tweet game was on POINT! To break up my consistant live tweeting, I took a look at other pages in the Program. I saw this:
But not that you called ur congregation out for not giving enough. At a Black People Church, when a deficit occurs you just get a 4 week series on the Benefits of Tithing. In White People Church they just show you the numbers, and let you be ashamed. That’s deep as hell Dude.
At this point, I also noticed that all their songs are sung in the Kings English. “Worthy Lord, thou art Merciful. Dost thou accept thy child’s praise,” Are you Freaking Serious. Jesus stopped listening to you YEARS ago!
Finally, we get to the Sermon. At this point, I look over to the student that was the reason I was there for, and saw her eyes filming over. She wasn’t into it, at all. So he starts to talk. About how the World has gone to shit since 1962, when the courts took prayer out of schools. He had charts. Pie Graphs.
“We just need to keep putting people in Congress that understand that God’s way in the only way.”
In the back of my mind, I pictured them all at Heath Ledger’s Funeral holding these signs:
Half my family is White. I don’t hate White People. But White People at churches like the one above, and the one I attended this morning, I can REALLY do without. The last thing that he said, before the Communion (and why was their communion on a 2nd Sunday?) was:
“The Founders of the Country were Christians. Let Jesus in your life.”
Yup. He Did. I have much more to say. I’m just too pissed to type anymore.
Thanx for Reading!