Its interesting the things I think about these days. About a month ago, while attending church (read: Driving through the mountains of Arizona as its the closest I have ever felt to God) I asked God to remove the feelings I had for a specific person. Actually, for a specific kind of man. The man, who has such a dominant personality that it compels me to get lost in my “worship” of them and their place in my life.
In my quest to find my soulmate, I forgot that the perfect relationship is not one in which you give all your power away, but instead in the relationship that allows you to share the power you both have with each other.
For 10+ years, I willingly confessed that I had no control over how I felt about a certain person. I gave him all the power in the relationship, and at the end of it, he used that power to destroy it. I knew what he was doing. I knew, after day 4 that he would try anything to make me hate him. To stop looking at him as my emotional savior, my soullmate. Becuase he didnt deserve it? Because it wasnt true? I dont know why he did it. Was it effective? Hell yeah.
But more than being hurt, I was upset with myself for allowing one person to take me to a place that I hadnt been since fall of 2000. I gave up my power, just handed it over. Took me until last week to realize, No One Man Should Have All That Power.
In talking about the dynamics of relationships, and our hopes and dreams in life. What are you wishing for? Honestly, are you waiting for someone to complete you, or complement you? Until you look at yourself, and see a complete person, you will always give up some of your power. Because you are always going to depend on that person for validation. To make sure that what you do is okay, that what you wear is meeting their approval.
So today, I can admit that I’m not complete. I’ve been shattered into 1000 pieces, and I am still looking for about 500 of them. Until I finish finding me, I choose to go it alone. Patiently waiting to declare, “You Are the Only Exception.”