Archive | November 25, 2010

Pride Comes Before the Fall or Missing You Still . . .

Today is the day that everyone talks about what and who they are thankful for.  We send text messages and love notes to those we care about, making sure that they know just how much you care.  Even though we bitch about the early morning text messages, it makes us feel at least acknowledged. Someone took the time to include us in the mass message, or “Damn, I was sure they would have taken me out of their phone/BBM list by now.”

I went to Thanksgiving dinner with a faction of my convoluted family, and had mentally prepared myself to be ignored, and not included, because that is usually the way I feel when I go to gatherings involving these people.  You know that family that you didn’t grow up with – so you don’t get the inside jokes, or their last impression of you was an awkward 12 year old with a stupid crush on their sibling/cousin/best friend.  I think I am so used to feeling like I don’t fit in anywhere, that it took me a while to figure out that somewhere along the lines (during my 2 years living here) I had been accepted.

Today was the first day they talked to me when I walked in the house.  Asked me about what was going on with me, and seemed genuinely glad that I was there.  I was introduced to other people as “Whatever my relation was” instead of oh, that’s {Insert My Name Here} I’m starting to think that part of their standoffishness {that is SO not a word} was me not wanting to be rejected.  I have alot of Pride, and it often times gets in my way.  Speaking of Pride . . .

I saw my ex today. I could try to explain, but you would judge, and that’s not what this one is about. Anyway, back to the point of this blog…… He doesn’t usually show up at gatherings if he knows the guest list before hand.  This was going to be the first time that we were going to be in the same place at the same time, in front of people that knew we had dated/humped/talked whatever.

Of course he was the 2nd person I saw. Keep in mind, our physical attraction to each other is so strong that we BOTH came to the conclusion that being in the same room at “family” gatherings was NOT a good idea. So I saw him, spoke, and quickly went away. I took a minute to compose myself, then decided that if he didn’t speak to me I wasn’t going to speak. Surprisingly, we had several little interactions during the time I was there.  They gave me hope that one day I won’t hate him for not being what he said he was, and hopefully he will forgive me for not being what I said I would be for/to him as well.

All that being said, it’s still hard. {Not even so much the fact that on several occasions I really wanted to climb him like a sequoia tree and/or lick his face . . .} But more than that, it was hard because I actually miss the conversations and the random petty arguments. I actually like him as a person.  I think I saw a side of him that his family never.  I think part of the problem was that he let me in too quickly . . . {I could be – of course – making all this shit up, but in my mind that’s the got damn reason, so stop judging me dammit}

Seeing as he is my first crush, some of that is the awkward 12 year old. But damn . . . he still does something to me.  So much so that I had to send that, “It was good to see you text,” about an hour ago.  Eventually, this will all go away.  Eventually I won’t see him and immediately need to kill a few kittens to get the edge off . . . EVENTUALLY. Until then, I can just hope that my Pride will continue to get in the way, and my fear of being the object of family ridicule again, will stop me from going down that path again.

But I still miss him though . . .