Archive | December 2010

Can I….Can I…..Save You From You?

Drake is real good for having one line in a song that just makes me want to cry. The title of this blog is that line.

I am a fixer. I haven’t always been that way. I used to be a follower, just kind of going with the flow. Until i started to spend the majority of my time taking care of people that were falling apart. Its like i started attracting messed up people. For a while, I was fine with that, because it gave me something to do. If i was fixing everyone elses problems then I didn’t have to focus on my own.

Recently, I see myself falling into that pattern again. The two most important people to me are slowly, in my opinion, falling apart. Its really killing me to have to see this happening to them, and not be able to make a difference. If you talk to both of them, nothing is wrong that they can’t fix when they are ready to, and all I want to know when are you going to be ready?

The companion piece to this blog – Fix Your Shit – wont be this vague. But tonight, I continue to think to myself “Tell me why, I always fall for your type?……Cuz I Believe in people like You”

The Aquarian in me wants to be Captian Save a Heaux and just take over. I want to do things the right way – my way. It frustrates me to no end that people can’t see things the same way I do. This internal knowledge that my way is the best, nay, only way is the reason I Hate My Father. So even though I want to fix people because what they are doing is something i think is wrong, I hate myself for judging people that I expect not to judge me.

Its that internal conflict, this fight to do what’s right in MY eyes that has me at odds with my current employer. It what keeps me awake at night trying to come up with solutions to my problems. It’s what has made me cut off friend for extended periods of time. Why wont you just take my advice?  Im trying to make things better not worse.

Yet, it doesn’t work. I don’t say what I want to say, or do what I want to do. Im still unhappy because as much as I want to change my own situation fear stops me. Adult responsibilities like rent and car notes and phone bills and student loans and health insurance stop me from saying what i want to say.

I can’t even save myself from myself, so who the hell am i to be trying to save you? But I really want to save us all….Because its enough for me to see someone else better themselves.

Its enough. If I could just get back to something being enough, and not too little or too much. But enough. “I’ve had ENOUGH to drink,” “I’ve had ENOUGH of sitting on my ass,” “I’ve had ENOUGH of being ashamed of my actions…”

So can I….can I…..save you from you? Or will you…will you…save me from myself?

CSBF Vol 14: Dear Black Women, You’re Doing It Wrong . . .

I’ve been avoiding this blog for sometime now.  Partially, because I’m lazy and I knew this was going to take me a long time to write. But really, because as a Black Woman, there is a huge possibility that people are going to see this and assume that I hate myself or something equally stupid.  But I can’t hold off any longer, because I KEEP running into situations where I see Black Men suffering because Black Women are stuck on Stupid.  The purpose of this blog is, “Each One, Teach One” So just read, and Learn.

Step 1: Stop Being so F*cking Petty

I mean really, everything is not a make or break situation.  He’s not ALWAYS cheating on you.  You don’t always have to get all Angry Black Woman in every situation.  The best way to ruin a relationship is lack of communication . . . Better yet, HORRIBLE Communication skills.  Either you don’t talk enough, or you talk too damn much.  Here’s a hint ladies, If what you are nagging your man about isn’t going to make you money, feed you, or help get you {or he} off, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Everything doesn’t have to be a 4 hour conversation about feelings.  He stopped listening as soon as the game came on.

Conversely, if something is bothering you, and it really is affecting the intimacy in your relationship, talk to him about THAT.  Don’t start a fight about how you think you look fat in this dress, and you saw the way he was looking at that girl in the mall, and why doesn’t he ever hang out with you and your mother, then finally you get to the point: You didn’t like the way he spoke to you around his friends.  All the rest of that stuff is superfluous.  Get to the meat of the issue.  All that other stuff, write him a note, or add it to your Diary. Because he doesn’t really care about the extra.  He cares about what he has “done wrong, and how can he fix it.”

Step 2: Stop being so Got Damn Selfish

You are in a Relationship. A Relationship is defined as: A connection between persons by blood or marriage {dictionary.com} This means there are 2 people in your relationship. Not Just YOU.  If you wanna get your hair done, nails done, er’thing did {OhYouFancyHuh} get a GOT DAMN JOB. It is not the job of your man to keep you laced up.  It is also not his job to complete you.  If you are broken, fix yourself.  Having a fine ass man, is NOT going to make you feel better about yourself. Actually, it will probably make you feel worse.

He is looking for a woman, not a child.  You looking to him for validation, he is looking for a partner.  Someone to work with him to better himself {and by extension you}, not a child to take care of.  Speaking of Children, if the man has children, they will always {or rather should always} come first.  You aren’t ever going to be his first priority.  You shouldn’t be.  So you being mad that he has to go see his ex-wife/Baby’s Mom’s house to get the kids is stupid.  She is the mother of his children, he is going to have to deal with her.  Stop being a dummy.

Step 3: Lying is getting you nowhere, neither is playing games.

The fact that you had to maneuver this man into dating you is not even the point.  But once you got the man, why are you still playing games? BE YOU. If he doesn’t like you, he wouldn’t be with you.  And if he doesn’t like the real you, f*ck that dude.  The person you are supposed to be with is the one that accepts you Flaws and All {AllBeyonce}. If you have a gambling problem, he’s gonna find out.  If you have a Fat Ass, he already knows.  That’s probably why he dates/married you in the first place.

Also, if you keep lying, f*ckin up, he’s going to cheat on you.  Men usually cheat because it’s in their nature to hump everything moving.  But men in committed Relationships cheat because something they used to be getting at home is no longer there.  Men don’t just cheat to hump, they cheat to be fulfilled.  If you are playing games, giving him the silent treatment, other petty female things – he will find what he needs from someone else.  Be it that friend who always listens to his problem, the random club heaux that just put you at risk for the HIV, his ex that always knew how to make him feel like a man . . . You are NOT the only fish in the sea.

Step 4: Independent Woman = Lonely Bitch

It’s okay to take care of you.  It’s okay to have a job, and a savings account, and a life plan.  You are supposed to take care of yourself, when you are alone.  You also have to make sure that you are secure in you, before you venture into a relationship with another person.  However, and that is a HUGE however, stop being all “I don’t need you dude, I can take care of myself,” every time you get in a fight with your man. Let him take care of you on occasion, stop emasculating him at every turn.  He is a MAN, stop trying to make yourself feel better by tearing him down.  If he isn’t on your level, but he is trying to get there, WHY oh dear God Why, must you point out all of his shortcomings.

Yes, there are MANY worthless men in the world. If you are continuing to attract worthless men, it might just be you? More and more, I am seeing GOOD MEN, getting dogged out by women.  Cheatin’ ass, Lyin’ Ass, Stupid Ass Black Women who don’t understand there’s a man shortage out here.  You should be so appreciative that you actually have a good man, that you work hard not to mess it up.  You can be all “Strong Independent Black Woman” at work. Doing that sh*t at home, is gonna leave you Lonely.  Sitting on your couch watching Tyler Perry Movies, crying cuz you just realized that your man was right when he called you a Selfish Heaux.

Step 5: White Girls aren’t your Natural Enemy, You Are

I live in Arizona. It’s a Black Man’s Mecca out there.  White women and Mexican’s for everyone! Yes, there are Black men that will push over their mother to find them a white girl, but all of them aren’t like that.  Most of the men that I know who no longer date Black Women, say the same thing, “I was tired of being nagged, browbeat, yelled at, all the Got Damn Time!” Again, you are causing the majority of your problems.

Get you a white female friend – not the ones who think they are black – but a bona-fide white friend.  Ask her about her relationships.  The one thing you will find is that she caters to her man. If he likes football, she watches it.  She don’t give a hell who Mike Vick is {unless she’s a member of PETA}, but she will root him on with the best of them! She doesn’t like poker, but she will play it with him and his guy friends if he asks her.  Her first instinct is going to be to say YES, instead of coming up with a reason she can’t, won’t, don’t feel like doing something. Take notes Black Women, you might get your man back.

Conclusion:

Every Black Woman isn’t a nag.  Every Black Woman isn’t a lying, cheating, club heaux.  Some Black women have very stable and wonderful relationships.  They are, however, in the minority.  What you see on TV isn’t real, so stop taking relationship advice from TV Shows.  It’s FICTION. Every relationship is going to have problems.  Every marriage is going to have hard times.  But, as a Black Woman, it’s our job to strive to be better.  We have had to overcome so much in society, now we just need to overcome ourselves.

This Right Here’s a Panty Dropper: R&B/Soul in 2010

Best Song on the Album: Bodies

By FAR the Best Album of 2010 {in any catergory} Is Cee-lo’s The Lady Killer.  This album was so good, I actually paid for it because I wanted the album art.  It’s Soul, R&B, Hip-Hop, Old School all in one.  It tells a story from beginning to end. I highly recommend the purchase of this album.

Favorite Song on the Album: The Other Side ft. Cee-Lo and B.O.B

Bruno Mars has been all over EVERYWHERE this year, and with good reason.  His album, Doo Wops & Hooligans, was the most complete album I heard this year.  Besides the fact that his voice is immaculate, and his production skils are impeccible, this is one of the FEW albums that I can play all the way through without skipping a song. He didn’t stick to one genre, but he moved around seamlessly.  Kudo’s Mr. Mars, now if you could just get off that Nose Candy . . .0_o

Favorite Song on the Album: In Another Time

Sade has been around since I was a little kid.  I actually went to school with her daughter when she came to Detroit in 1985 or 1986 to record an album.  But The BAND’s music stays timeless.  *Little Known Fact: The Band is named Sade, the singer’s name is Helen* This years release, Soldier of Love, is one of those albums that you put on, and just think about your path in life. It’s a very healing kind of record. {Except that song BabyFather, what the F*ck is that song in there for?}

Favorite Song on the Album: The Worst is Over

Laura Izabor is a little known singer from overseas.  But those of us who know her, LOVE HER.  Her album, Let the Truth Be Told, is such a mellow and grown up kind of album.  She has a very smooth/soulful voice.  With the right marketing, she could be a very big artist over here.

Best & Favorite Song on the Album: When a Woman Loves

Before you say anything, I know he peed on an under-aged girl.  But in the words of Riley, “If you don’t wanna get peed on, you move.” Back to the MUSIC. Love Letter is so freaking awesome.  It’s R. Kelly the Grown Man, singing his heart out.  He shows his vocal range in the damn Intro. Judge Me If you Want, I will stay bumping this album for the rest of this year right on into the next.

Favorite Song on any of the albums: Shoes from In My Zone

Bet you thought Breezy would be first on my list didn’t you. I will admit, based solely on Volume of music put out in a year, he should be on top. 1 Studio album, and 3 Mixtapes . . . and his hit single of the year came from a mixtape that was FREE. This trend of artist’s having mixtapes better than their albums is so strange.  Either way, Chris Brown made his presence known this year, in a big way.  #TeamBreezy


Best Song of the Album: Out My Mind, Just in Time

We all know Badu is the TRUTH. But this album, New Amerykah Part 2: Return of the Ankh, took me back to the days of Mama’s Gun. The controversery surrounding the “Window Seat” video shoot alone let me know that Erykah was going to be at her best.  Another album that tells a story, and can be listened to all the way through.  I see you Erykah.

Best Song of the Album: I Can’t Write Left Handed {Originally sung by Bill Withers}

John Legend’s HORRIBLE Hairline aside, he has the voice of a 1960’s soul singer. Teaming up with the Roots for this years, WAKE UP!, was a genius idea.  All live instrumentation, and live recording this is a cry out to a generation that seems to be missing the point.  The fact that these are covers of songs from 40+ years ago, and yet they are still relevant should say a lot about the state of the world.

Best Song of the Album: It’s in the Mornin’ ft Snoop Dogg

There wasn’t much “Get your Freak on” music released this year {Will of Day26’s Sextape will be featured in the MixTape Blog}.  Select tracks on a few albums, but nothing that really spoke to my soul . . . Until Robin Thicke’s Sex Therapy: The Experience came out. The Interludes took me there and the actual tracks just kept me going. I bet Jon B is PISSED right now, Robin just stole all his thunder.

Favorite Song on the Album: Love You Long Time

Jazmine Sullivan came in at the end of the year, but that doesn’t make her album any less great. On Love Me Back, she still has the gruff voice that made people fall in love with her in the first place, but thankfully she is less, “Bust Yo’ Windows” and more “I’m too old for this BS.” This album has a very good balance of faster paced songs and ballad.  Well done Ms. Jazmine.

Cant forget some of the other albums/tracks that just spoke to me, even if the album wasn’t on point…

Whip My Hair – Willow “Sh*ttin’ on Grown Women” Smith

Nobody Wins a War – Raheem DeVaughn ft Dwele, Jill Scott, Ledisi and like 4011 other Neo-Soul artists

Love is Blind – Alicia “Please forget a stole a woman’s husband” Keys

Bittersweet – Fantasia “Yes, I stole yo’ Nupe” Barinno

I Hope She Cheats on You – Marsha “I can yodel and make it sexy” Ambrosuis

Four Women – Jill Scott, Ledisi, Kelly Price, and Marsha Ambrosius