Drake is real good for having one line in a song that just makes me want to cry. The title of this blog is that line.
I am a fixer. I haven’t always been that way. I used to be a follower, just kind of going with the flow. Until i started to spend the majority of my time taking care of people that were falling apart. Its like i started attracting messed up people. For a while, I was fine with that, because it gave me something to do. If i was fixing everyone elses problems then I didn’t have to focus on my own.
Recently, I see myself falling into that pattern again. The two most important people to me are slowly, in my opinion, falling apart. Its really killing me to have to see this happening to them, and not be able to make a difference. If you talk to both of them, nothing is wrong that they can’t fix when they are ready to, and all I want to know when are you going to be ready?
The companion piece to this blog – Fix Your Shit – wont be this vague. But tonight, I continue to think to myself “Tell me why, I always fall for your type?……Cuz I Believe in people like You”
The Aquarian in me wants to be Captian Save a Heaux and just take over. I want to do things the right way – my way. It frustrates me to no end that people can’t see things the same way I do. This internal knowledge that my way is the best, nay, only way is the reason I Hate My Father. So even though I want to fix people because what they are doing is something i think is wrong, I hate myself for judging people that I expect not to judge me.
Its that internal conflict, this fight to do what’s right in MY eyes that has me at odds with my current employer. It what keeps me awake at night trying to come up with solutions to my problems. It’s what has made me cut off friend for extended periods of time. Why wont you just take my advice? Im trying to make things better not worse.
Yet, it doesn’t work. I don’t say what I want to say, or do what I want to do. Im still unhappy because as much as I want to change my own situation fear stops me. Adult responsibilities like rent and car notes and phone bills and student loans and health insurance stop me from saying what i want to say.
I can’t even save myself from myself, so who the hell am i to be trying to save you? But I really want to save us all….Because its enough for me to see someone else better themselves.
Its enough. If I could just get back to something being enough, and not too little or too much. But enough. “I’ve had ENOUGH to drink,” “I’ve had ENOUGH of sitting on my ass,” “I’ve had ENOUGH of being ashamed of my actions…”
So can I….can I…..save you from you? Or will you…will you…save me from myself?