Archive | March 6, 2011

Open Book: Delusions of Gradeur

So, this isn’t going to flow, i don’t think. It’s really just kind of what is going on in my head. First, lets talk about my recent trip to the welfare office.

Yes, I, JoyfulWordsofWisdom, made a trip to the welfare office. Why? Because I’m struggling right now. Not like, I can’t go to the movies when I want to, but in danger of eviction type struggle. Admitting that to the whole world, is supposed to be freeing right? Like, once I type it, the burden of debt is supposed to magically fly away and be gone, right?!?!

Whatever, so I decided that I pay my taxes. I give to the government, so SURE they would want to help me in my actual time of need.

Let me also say, this isn’t the first time me and the Welfare Office have kicked it. When I was unemployed in like 2006 or something, we had a very pleasant relationship. Me and the Welfare office were close like JBarbie and Self-Esteem. So I stand in line outside for 45 minutes waiting for them to open the doors at 8:00am . . . Then wait for another hour waiting for them to call my name.

“Lady, I don’t need alot, but I need something.” Really nice white lady says to me, “Let’s see what we can help you with, because I understand your issues.” After she inputs my money situation in the computer . . .

Medical Assistance: Denied
Cash Assistance: Denied
Food Stamps: Denied (applicant makes $29 over limit)

There was nothing I could do do thank the lady for taking the time to try to help me, and walk out. Then sit in my car and cry. Cuz I have 2 jobs. I teach children all day, then teach other teachers how to teach. And, averaging them both out, I make about $12 an hour. Yup, ny niece who is a manager at McDonald’s makes $13 and she has medical benefits.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t always had some kind of struggle to overcome . . . hell, I’m black, fat, and female. . . struggle is synonymous with all three of those words. But as I was sitting in my car, I thought to myself, Why do I, as a teacher, not count as a person who needs assistance.

Utter shame at my situation has always stopped me from writing about this before. Because I am ashamed of the fact that at 29 I live paycheck to paycheck. I’m ashamed of the fact that I have a 4 year college degree, and I’m not sure if all my bills are going to be paid on time or at all. I’m ashamed cuz I see people that I consider my friends living the life that I pictured for myself and I can’t ever see that happening to me.

I don’t know everyones story, and most people don’t know mine. Because I allow most people to see my Delusions of Grandeur. I let or maybe even help them think, that everything is just fine. That I can still afford the lifestyle that I live. That money doesn’t rule all my day to day decisions. But in reality, money is the one thing that makes me the most miserable.

And yes, I have made some dumb ass life choices that have brought me to this point, but its not all my fault. The fact that other peoples decisions have gotten me here is even more frustrating. Knowing that all I need is a $3 transcript to more than double my salary pisses me off. Knowing that the one woman who can send it to me won’t because she didn’t like my tone of voice, pisses me the fuck off.

My new life goal has become to never have to depend on anyone for anything. This of course wont happen because I’m not a millionaire yet, but man o man once I get there…..

Until then, I just take it day by day…..basking in my Delusions of Grandeur. That everything is going to be okay, that I have everything under control, that each day isn’t bringing yet another struggle, and that I’m not still incredibly pissed off that the ONE person who should help me won’t.

Yup, the Land of Denial is so pretty…….