Open Book: Delusions of Gradeur

So, this isn’t going to flow, i don’t think. It’s really just kind of what is going on in my head. First, lets talk about my recent trip to the welfare office.

Yes, I, JoyfulWordsofWisdom, made a trip to the welfare office. Why? Because I’m struggling right now. Not like, I can’t go to the movies when I want to, but in danger of eviction type struggle. Admitting that to the whole world, is supposed to be freeing right? Like, once I type it, the burden of debt is supposed to magically fly away and be gone, right?!?!

Whatever, so I decided that I pay my taxes. I give to the government, so SURE they would want to help me in my actual time of need.

Let me also say, this isn’t the first time me and the Welfare Office have kicked it. When I was unemployed in like 2006 or something, we had a very pleasant relationship. Me and the Welfare office were close like JBarbie and Self-Esteem. So I stand in line outside for 45 minutes waiting for them to open the doors at 8:00am . . . Then wait for another hour waiting for them to call my name.

“Lady, I don’t need alot, but I need something.” Really nice white lady says to me, “Let’s see what we can help you with, because I understand your issues.” After she inputs my money situation in the computer . . .

Medical Assistance: Denied
Cash Assistance: Denied
Food Stamps: Denied (applicant makes $29 over limit)

There was nothing I could do do thank the lady for taking the time to try to help me, and walk out. Then sit in my car and cry. Cuz I have 2 jobs. I teach children all day, then teach other teachers how to teach. And, averaging them both out, I make about $12 an hour. Yup, ny niece who is a manager at McDonald’s makes $13 and she has medical benefits.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t always had some kind of struggle to overcome . . . hell, I’m black, fat, and female. . . struggle is synonymous with all three of those words. But as I was sitting in my car, I thought to myself, Why do I, as a teacher, not count as a person who needs assistance.

Utter shame at my situation has always stopped me from writing about this before. Because I am ashamed of the fact that at 29 I live paycheck to paycheck. I’m ashamed of the fact that I have a 4 year college degree, and I’m not sure if all my bills are going to be paid on time or at all. I’m ashamed cuz I see people that I consider my friends living the life that I pictured for myself and I can’t ever see that happening to me.

I don’t know everyones story, and most people don’t know mine. Because I allow most people to see my Delusions of Grandeur. I let or maybe even help them think, that everything is just fine. That I can still afford the lifestyle that I live. That money doesn’t rule all my day to day decisions. But in reality, money is the one thing that makes me the most miserable.

And yes, I have made some dumb ass life choices that have brought me to this point, but its not all my fault. The fact that other peoples decisions have gotten me here is even more frustrating. Knowing that all I need is a $3 transcript to more than double my salary pisses me off. Knowing that the one woman who can send it to me won’t because she didn’t like my tone of voice, pisses me the fuck off.

My new life goal has become to never have to depend on anyone for anything. This of course wont happen because I’m not a millionaire yet, but man o man once I get there…..

Until then, I just take it day by day…..basking in my Delusions of Grandeur. That everything is going to be okay, that I have everything under control, that each day isn’t bringing yet another struggle, and that I’m not still incredibly pissed off that the ONE person who should help me won’t.

Yup, the Land of Denial is so pretty…….

11 thoughts on “Open Book: Delusions of Gradeur

  1. this blog really hit home – i hope you can take some comfort in that you are not the only 29 yr old with a 4 year degree and a good head on her shoulders with an upcoming court date for eviction. shit is so real right now, and so hard, and so fucking UNFAIR, but thank you for putting it out there that that’s how it IS sometimes. i KNOW you will come out on top.

  2. we are relatively in the same boat. while i do not have my collegiate degree (yet) i’m also living paycheck to paycheck myself. you and i are the same age and it is quite difficult to see others basking in the life that i just knew i would be living. it’s more and more difficult to see friends, associates, etc. share, comment and talk about their lives on FB.

    it’s not that i’m jealous…i have felt jealousy before and that is not the flavor which is on my palette. it is…sadness. i feel that in some ways i have wasted my life away…for what? temporary, pointless moments that really have amounted to nothing.

    i also have began a relationship with the department of human services. i feel the shame of having to use it every time i shop. (i was approved for stamps but…it’s hardly enough to make that big of a damn difference. not that i’m ungrateful but….seriously?)

    while i have no words of encouragement…just know that you aren’t alone.

  3. it’s so unbelievable that a single person can basically get no help – but if you’ve done yr duty and been a good baby vessel you get help. i’m so uncomfortable with where this country is headed right now in terms of how we treat people in need..

  4. Sister,
    I applaud your courage in speaking out. I’ve had this same struggle all through my adult life. I know there’s nothing I can say to make things feel better but know you are not alone, we (everyone’s who has posted especially) know what you’re going through. I am dealing with shame not being able to find a job in almost a year…..not even fast food, trust, I tried. I was blessed to get foodstamps but I’m not proud that I had to admit to being “homeless” and staying with a friend to get that little bit that won’t last the month. I don’t think the “haves” really know how bad it is out for us. I’m so sick of well intended people saying, “you’ll get something soon” while they’re wasting money and I’m dodging the repo man. Anyway, I just wanted to let you I hear you, I feel you and you’re not alone. I guess I needed to vent a little too.

    • For me its not even the well intentioned people that bother me. Its the “but at least you have a job” people. The be grateful for what you do have people….like if what I do have isn’t really working I don’t really have anything do I. These are the same people who complain that they were able to get the car they wanted becuz they didn’t have the right color on the lot….GTFOH with that….I can’t afford groceries cuz I don’t have grocery money, but at least u have a job. Sigh…

  5. Mz Joy, first let me say that my prayers go out to you. I too understand your struggle. I am not single but married with three children, husband is retired and recieves disabilty, i work a full time job. If one looked at me from the outside I look like one of the “haves” in life. But in actuality with all of that income it still doesnt even come close to what my husband made as a active duty career soldier. We have filed bankrupcty twice, had vehicles repossessed and I literally steal from Peter to pay Paul every payday. You see when you have something and you are on the verge of having nothing it makes me no different from you. It is a struggle for most of america, don’t believe the facebook hype. We all hide behind the blue and white wall cosigning what others say and think and sit in judment, But trust me when I tell you the grass aint always green in the so called “haves” yard. They are really good at lying and dodging. Keep your head up and stay in prayer. Surround yourself with positive people that can give you peace. Until times get better, thats what I do.

    • Thank you for reading! And thank you for sharing. That blue and white wall definitely has a way of making you wonder about why your life isn’t what others seem to be dealing with.

      Thank you for sharing part of your story, and thank you for your prayers 🙂

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