CSBF Vol. 15 – Pregnancy: Single Woman’s Hustle or Single Woman’s Downfall?

This blog is going to be written in two parts, because while they both have to do with bringing a child into the world, it’s two different topics.  So like yeah . . . Enjoy.

Part 1: Sometimes I Wish I was a Simple Bitch

Based on  several conversations that I have had this week, I am going to explore this statement for a little bit. We all know that most of my blogs are based, in some way, on my personal experiences, and this one will be no different. This whole thing started with my trip to the Welfare Office, and ended with a text that said:

“Have My Child”

When I was at the Welfare office, they kept asking me if I was pregnant. First, I thought it was ‘cuz I’m fat, but then the lady explained.  “Ma’am, if you were Pregnant, they would have been able to help you out.”  I could have gotten full medical assistance, at least $400 in Food Stamps, AND Cash Assistance. You mean to tell me, the government will pay me to be a Single Mother?!?!?

 

The Arizona Welfare Folks

I started really thinking about getting pregnant. Not because my biological clock is ticking, but because my wallet is empty as hell. That was the hoodrat in me – Me’Keisha thinking, but she had some valid ass points:

If I was to have a kid right now, it would solve several of my problems. I would get help for my rent, full medical coverage, AND the govenrment would pay for daycare. I already have a 2 bedroom apt, so the kid would have its own room.  We all know I love children, and I think I would be a great mom.  I would also be able to keep teaching, because I don’t make enough money to NOT qualify for aid.

I could work full time, get money to pay for my child, put them in the best daycare available in Tucson, AND not work in the summer and get unemployment.  The fact that I worked that out in my head, is slightly shameful, right?!? But keep it real, if you look at it, it makes sense. {And if I get Pregnant every three years, I could live a GREAT ass life, all with the help of the Gov’ment!}

 

"I just wanted to do Hoodrat things with My Friends"

At this point Maegan, the Perky blonde inside me, slapped me and said, “OMG. Have you lost your mind!” But I really did seriously think about it. Leave it to Maegan to stop me from having all that Pregnancy Fun.  Gosh!

*Bill Cosby Voice*NOW, clearly, the dude who asked me to have his child isn’t the right candidate to be my sperm donor, because he asked me via text message.  Who DOES THAT?!?!?  He didn’t say raise a child with him, he didn’t say let’s start a family together. No, he just wants a child. When I gave him my answer, a very resounding No, he was pissed off. “Why the fcuk not?!?!”

{Mind you, this is coming from a man who spent probably half his life in and out of jail and/or prision. He’s a product of the State of Arizona Foster Care system, 1/4 children who were given up by their mother because she couldn’t or didn’t want to handle them. But ok….}

My explanation, “I can’t afford to have a child right now, and neither can you. Why would I do that to myself, and to a child?” After he stopped cursing, he said, “No one plans to have children! You just have them!”

Part II: It’s Just Not Done

*Disclaimer* This is no way meant to call out the single mothers of the world. I have quite a few friends who fall in this catergory. However, most of these women were part of committed relationships/marriages at the time they had their children.

I realized after talking to one of my colleagues who is actual 3 years younger than me, that some people don’t understand that you ARE supposed to plan to have children. Like everyone of your kids shouldn’t be a surprise. Most of my close friends, are single and childless. They want it that way.

Because they haven’t done everything they want to do in their own lives. So bringing a child into the world at this point wouldn’t be a smart decision. Besides the monetary strain that it would put on them, the act of pretty much saying, “My own goals are now second to those that I have for my child,” is difficult for us to do.

I’m convinced that we are the first generation in a while that is going to be having children at 35+, because its going to take us that long to get to the point where we have found a career and not just a job to tide us over. We have been taught by our own single parents and professional parents that life is harder with children, and we listened. Not only will we wait for marriage {another blog all together} but we will also wait to bring new life into this very complicated world….

Call it selfishness if you must. It’s actually based on a need to succeed.  For the majority of my friends, we know what it is to be given encouragement to get to a certain place in life.  Some of my friends have actually gotten there.  Interestingly, these are also my friends who are married.  I have quite a few friends from high school and college who are doing the same thing I am, living their life to the fullest – child free – so they have the ability to say they didn’t sacrifice anything once they had a child.

My current mindset: Until I can take one whole paycheck a month, and put it in a savings account, I shouldn’t ACTIVELY pursue having a child.  It would be a bad decision, because I woulnd’t be able to give a child the kind of life I feel they would need to succeed.  Why purposely create a struggle if it doesn’t need to be there?  This mindset may mean that I will never have children, but right now, I’m really not worried about it that much.

I teach Middle School, that’s the World’s Greatest Birth Control, trust me.

I’m sure someone is going to read this, and feel that I am trying to make the Single Mothers of the World look like dumb hoodrat bitches.  That’s not the point of this blog. Honestly, my hat goes off to all the single mother’s I know. The Single Mothers who work hard to provide for their children, and often have to deal with Shullbit in order to make their child’s life the best it can be.

In the meantime, I’m still trying to figure out life.  The ups and downs that have happened in this MONTH so far are enough to show that life is always going to surprise the hell outta you. You never know, 3 years from now, that Biological Clock might start ticking and I might start a new blog about the wonders of Motherhood (single or otherwise).

What do you think?

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5 thoughts on “CSBF Vol. 15 – Pregnancy: Single Woman’s Hustle or Single Woman’s Downfall?

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head with this one. I just had this discussion on fb last week. I made it to 34 years without children ON PURPOSE! I took my pill everyday, made my men wear condoms, etc. And I knew I didn’t want children until I was really ready. My mother always says,”when You have a child, YOU have a child”. No one else is going to be primarily responsible except for you. This even includes your “wonderful “husband ….who will easily began to sleep through all those middle of the night feedings, when the newness of that baby wears off. When baby gets sick, momma calls in sick to stay home with baby, dads rarely do.
    I also have 8 nieces and nephews and having to do so much babysitting in my late teens and early twenties definitely had the “birth control “effect on me. I knew how much work taking care of children was and how much freedom I would loose if I became a mother before I was ready. Even now that I’m married, we’re still taking precautions because we’re barely making it, just the two of us.
    Now about what you said about the social benefits of being a single mom, all the services ….that’s why there’s such a break down in the family unit in America today and not just in the black community. I actually know people that have has children to get benefits, Its a shame too because the perks are not worth it.
    Anyway, I’ve been long winded….but I look forwarded to reading what other have to say!

  2. Spot on lady! I had my 2 at 29 & 36 for the same reasons Marisa mentioned. My husband & i have used protection all 20 years of our relationship. For all hetero sex, if you are NOT trying to get pregnant, then you ARE trying to get pregnant. Period.

  3. Its like we have the same thoughts! The only difference is that you share yours with the world 🙂 I completely agree with this blog, and I also have known people who have children just to get the benefits. It’s amazing the benefits they receive for not trying to do anything with their lives. The system disappoints me. I have friends who are single mothers, and they are trying to make a great life for themselves and their children, but receive no assistance because they make “too much” money. *smh*

  4. i couldn’t have said it better myself. that’s basically why i am so not ready to have children. about 6 years ago i had that same mentality of kids = $$$$$ but then i thought about it…and saw helped take care of my two nephews (who aren’t a full year apart…) and it scared the fcuk out of me! so…i applaud you.

    *slow clap of admiration*

  5. I love kids because they provide the comedy of the world but I don’t laugh because they are cute and ‘baby-ish’ but because half of the tihings they do are down right CRAZY. I don’t coo and talk baby gibberish to them. I ask them what are they ‘fake’ (no tear) crying abou they have yet to see a bill that they could not pay. Do I want children….I think I want one maybe but right now I am too selfish for a baby…no share *crosses arms*

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