Late Night Ramblings of 2011: The Fear of God…

Right…not quite sure how to start this one so I’m just going to start typing on my HTC Thunderbolt keyboard. (Product Placement)

To say, I’ve had a bad week is like saying the late Ms. Winehouse had a slight drug problem. So we aren’t going to pretend that mentally I’m in a good place right now. In fact, I can honestly say I’ve never felt this NUMB before in my life.

Which brings me to the title of this blog. I’m afraid of God. Not in the way a “Good Christian” should be, but instead in the way a person who has never had a relationship with God would be. My struggles with my own faith notwithstanding, I currently find myself in a place where I am afraid to have hope. Afraid to think positive thoughts about anything that I am encountering at this point in my life.

When I was growing up, I believed in God and Jesus becuz I was told to. My mother took me to church every Sunday, and I always had the longest Easter Speeches. But I didn’t really believe any of it. I just went with the flow.  As I got older, I started to wonder if Christians really knew what they were talking about. My relationship with a God is going though some tough times right now.

I’m not perfect, this I know. I’ve done some foul things in the name of making myself feel better. Used stolen credit card numbers to buy books, stolen money so that I wasn’t the poor kid at school, forged signatures to get my way{….this list isn’t much longer than that….} But in real life, my goal has always been to help others. To bring joy into their lives, and have a positive impact.

So as I sat in Jail last Thursday night, I wondered to this God that everyone worships and adores, Why Me? Why did this happen to me? When am I  going to be done paying for my past sins, and get to live a life of happiness. This plea, seemingly, went unheard. And even while I am typing this, a part of me is afraid that me saying these things is going to cause this unknown God to come get me again.

I need my life to change. I need to get to a place where there isn’t fear around every corner. Fear of God. Fear of saying the wrong thing to the right person, and losing another job. Fear of being rejected again and again by people who shouldn’t matter but do. Fear of asking people for help because of what they might think of me. Fear of living in the same poverty in which I was raised. Fear that one day, someone will really understand how lost I really am…

But most of all, I’m afraid to hope. To make a wish so that it might come true. I’m afraid to want success, to want to be happy, for fear of punishment from a crime I don’t even know that I committed. I’m so TIRED of being afraid of everything, and feeling nothing all at the same time.

I’m just so TIRED.

Every morning that I wake up is a great day. I am thankful to be alive, I just kinda wish I was enjoying my life, instead of just living it. This is of course coming from a person who USED TO love being alone. Since Thursday, I can’t stand being any place without someone around.

I want that to go away too. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin again, without having flashbacks of sitting in a police car, or being handcuffed, or wearing prisoner orange.

And I really want to stop being afraid of a God that I barely even believe in.

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