Chasing Pavements . . .

So, some of you may know that I have been unemployed for almost a month.  Lost both of my jobs, within 6 days of each other.  I could say that It wasn’t my fault, as it wasn’t in the first instance.  I could blame my misfortune on the fact that my mother should have named me Lemony Snickett – as my life is a Series of Unfortunate Events.  But I shan’t do all that.  Instead, I will say that the cycle has started once again. 

Every 2 or 3 years, I go through a life cycle.  During this cycle, I find yet another part of the world that I don’t quite understand.  I learn everything that I can about it, master that area, get complacent, then become bitter because I want to excel past it, and I am in a position that offers no room for advancement.

Usually, it has something to do with a job.  But on occasion, it has had to do with friendships, relationships, etc.  Sadly, I am so used to this cycle, that I hardly pay it any attention anymore.  The first time this “happened to me,” I was so outraged! I set up meetings, and wrote letters, and had “Come to Jesus” meetings with the personnel at Univ of Dayton.  Oh hell no, was heard one or two times in those meetings. 

At the end of that first cycle, I had a degree and an extreme distaste for all things in the education field.  So I came home, got a BS job as a Latchkey teacher, and figured I would never really use my degree again.  3 months later I had my dream job, paying $10 an hour w/ benefits (unheard of in the Early Childhood field, trust me) and I had complete autonomy. I learned how to organize curriculum, create curriculum, and organize an entire summer camp program. I became a better teacher because of that job.

3 years later, the cycle began again.  My attitude had a lot to do with it.  I lost friends, and burned a lot of bridges along the way. Thank God for unemployment, let me tell you.  I got on my Detroit Hustle, had 3 part-time jobs, and in the process was introduced to a new way to teach children how to read.  I got so good, people were actually paying me to work for them.  I had reached the pinnacle . . . I was asked to work for $30 an hour, but told that I had to accept $26. This was the job that taught me my worth.  That let me know that I could do things that other people couldn’t, and I could do it well.

{Side Note: Looking back at that whole fiasco, I bet that Little White Lady thought to herself, How dare this Black Girl think she should make that much money. I don’t know anyone, NOW, that makes $26 an hour full time, and I was PISSED I didn’t get $30. Wow.}

So of course, that couldn’t last very long. By that time, I was blogging.  Feel free to read the story here and here.  I fought, hard. But at the end of the day, I didn’t have anymore fight in me.  So it was on to the next thing.  I struggled to find the REASON that all these things continued to happen to me.  At that point, it was 2007, it was time to start ALL the way over.

In November of 2007, I moved into my house.  Yet another phase of my life that showed me something new and exciting.  Being a home owner, and understanding exactly what that meant.  The house was going to be the end of all my problems, and it ended up being a burden of epic proportions.  Because my mother and I choose to take a family member at their word, I started my own business.  I thought, FINALLY, something that I can control.  I learned that I was capable of starting something from scratch, and making it work for me.  I learned that I could help children, and get paid well to do it.

A year later (the cycle was getting shorter) it all feel apart.  I lost faith in a lot of people (including most of my family), lost a myriad of friends, and left the only place that I had ever thought was MINE to venture to the new frontier (for me) that was Arizona. 

Talk about a Series of Unfortunate Events.  In the almost 3 years that I have lived here, here is just a small list of the things that have happened to me:

  • Broken My Foot while walking on Pavement
  • Broken my Hand while lifting a shelf
  • Gotten in 2 car accidents
  • Got accused of threatening a child
  • Spent 2 nights in the hospital
  • Had my wages garnished because of that Hospital stay

Those last two were clearly the worst.  At this point in my life, I’m not even shocked when stuff like this happens anymore.  The day I got fired from my first job, I didn’t even argue, I just went to get my stuff and left.  I updated my resume, and called the folks I knew that could help me out. The day AFTER I went to jail, I just assumed I was going to lose the other job I had, and I was right.

I’m used to this kinda of stuff happening, which scares me.  Because at this point, I don’t have any FAITH anymore.  I have stopped believing in myself. (Not my skill level, but my level of . . . sustainability for lack of a better word) I know that eventually I am going to either piss the wrong person off, or do something that is perceived as something else, and have to start all over again.

And it’s not that I don’t still think I’m amazing, because I honestly do.  Instead, I just think that no one cares anymore.  At home, people cared that I was great.  They encouraged me to be great, and I felt that.  Living here, and not having an Adequate Support System, has really broken me down.

So, frequently, I feel like I’ve been Chasing Pavements, and going nowhere.  At times, I just want to go HOME.  Other times, I just want to curl up in a ball, and forget that anything else exists.  It’s weird not getting excited about things, not looking ahead.  I don’t do that anymore.  I used to make plans years ahead.  I don’t even plan for 2 weeks ahead at this point.  Because anything can change, at any time.

My mother keeps talking to me about learning my Lessons.  Which seems to be almost the same thing as earning Happiness, or Karma.  My mother says that this cycle continues because the Lessons I was supposed to learn, I haven’t. 

Can a Bish get a Study Guide?

(And don’t you DARE say the Bible)

I just need someone to email me a piece of paper with some essay prompts or long answer questions.  Something like, You should really think about how this action is going to effect your future? Or, What do you think about your reaction to this? A friend recently asked me, “Do you think our lives would be better if we had a “relationship” with God? I couldn’t answer her question. 

I still can’t.  Anyone who has read my recent blogs knows, I’m fighting myself about faith, God, and religion.  A lot of that has to do with me looking back over my life, and thinking it over.  Can I truly say, that I’ve been Blessed, or is my life just a TEST, and not a testimony?

This grey area that I seem to be existing in, I hope it clears up soon.  Cuz I really don’t like fog.  And I don’t know what I was supposed to learn about the last 2+ years of my life, other than Arizona might not be the best place for me.

Thanks for reading . . . Feel free to Comment (not Judge)

10 thoughts on “Chasing Pavements . . .

  1. Interesting. Also quite ironic. 2 months ago I lost my job. Wether or not the cycle is getting shorter or longer one thing remains constant…you must (and will) keep pressing. I agree with you…these trials don’t diminish the awesome but you just need more mofos (employers namely) to recognize it. If no one else feels you….oh…trust me…I do. Those stupid children’s movies didn’t tell us this was going to happen.

      • Girl…just remain as positive as you can. I had my cry moment and now I’m ok. I’m not trying to “go to church” but I’m prayerful that this is temporary and I’m sure it is. 🙂 Take care 🙂

  2. I love you dearly but I’m going to be straight to the point.

    Some of these situations that you have described are because of the choices you’ve made. It’s time to step up and take responsibility. I completely understand feeling like you’re stuck in a cycle but honestly you have a lot to be thankful for and just maybe the reasons you’re still stuck in this cycle is because you’re doing your own thing and not asking for direction. Not to mention God has shown up and shown out for you numerous times in record timing and yet you still feel the need to complain. Life sucks some times. I get it. I’ve felt the same way. And I’m sure you don’t want to hear about God, but he’s the same one who’s provided and filled in the gap for you each time in record timing. So with that said, seek Him ask Him for direction. Use these “cycles” as your testimony that you’re still standing. Be an encouragement to others experiencing the same thing. And who knows that just might be what breaks the cycle

  3. this is definitely an intriguing read. i have also found that my life seems to work in cycles…whether i’m ready for it or not. i completely agree with Monica…those movies, tv shows, stories didn’t prepare me for ANY of this crazy mess that’s called life. i demand an explanation. and a store credit.

  4. Dear Joy.

    i am stunned to hear that you had no job for two months, i agree with Domi, i have to only agree to some things. one being that we all have personal responsability and managebility we choose, what and when we use our options allows us to either prosper or fail. in all of our lives we will fall and get up and eventually come to that point in life that allows us to see the big picture. this being one of them. i have been in similar situation that have brought me to that brink, allowing me to place some validity to my post, i dont clain to know everything but you have been witness to where im coming from ” you are a different Mexican” / no i just made the choices that i needed to make it to the place im at. we all have them this is your turn make yours count as you are a wonderful woman full of wisdom and joy . Love you

  5. You know my feelings about support systems and snap judgements of how we all need to live closer but for years we all have been co dependent on someone and it still holds true there is no stopping the inevitable just realizing that it happens and let’s move the f#*& on! Love you

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