Chasing Pavements . . .

So, some of you may know that I have been unemployed for almost a month.  Lost both of my jobs, within 6 days of each other.  I could say that It wasn’t my fault, as it wasn’t in the first instance.  I could blame my misfortune on the fact that my mother should have named me Lemony Snickett – as my life is a Series of Unfortunate Events.  But I shan’t do all that.  Instead, I will say that the cycle has started once again. 

Every 2 or 3 years, I go through a life cycle.  During this cycle, I find yet another part of the world that I don’t quite understand.  I learn everything that I can about it, master that area, get complacent, then become bitter because I want to excel past it, and I am in a position that offers no room for advancement.

Usually, it has something to do with a job.  But on occasion, it has had to do with friendships, relationships, etc.  Sadly, I am so used to this cycle, that I hardly pay it any attention anymore.  The first time this “happened to me,” I was so outraged! I set up meetings, and wrote letters, and had “Come to Jesus” meetings with the personnel at Univ of Dayton.  Oh hell no, was heard one or two times in those meetings. 

At the end of that first cycle, I had a degree and an extreme distaste for all things in the education field.  So I came home, got a BS job as a Latchkey teacher, and figured I would never really use my degree again.  3 months later I had my dream job, paying $10 an hour w/ benefits (unheard of in the Early Childhood field, trust me) and I had complete autonomy. I learned how to organize curriculum, create curriculum, and organize an entire summer camp program. I became a better teacher because of that job.

3 years later, the cycle began again.  My attitude had a lot to do with it.  I lost friends, and burned a lot of bridges along the way. Thank God for unemployment, let me tell you.  I got on my Detroit Hustle, had 3 part-time jobs, and in the process was introduced to a new way to teach children how to read.  I got so good, people were actually paying me to work for them.  I had reached the pinnacle . . . I was asked to work for $30 an hour, but told that I had to accept $26. This was the job that taught me my worth.  That let me know that I could do things that other people couldn’t, and I could do it well.

{Side Note: Looking back at that whole fiasco, I bet that Little White Lady thought to herself, How dare this Black Girl think she should make that much money. I don’t know anyone, NOW, that makes $26 an hour full time, and I was PISSED I didn’t get $30. Wow.}

So of course, that couldn’t last very long. By that time, I was blogging.  Feel free to read the story here and here.  I fought, hard. But at the end of the day, I didn’t have anymore fight in me.  So it was on to the next thing.  I struggled to find the REASON that all these things continued to happen to me.  At that point, it was 2007, it was time to start ALL the way over.

In November of 2007, I moved into my house.  Yet another phase of my life that showed me something new and exciting.  Being a home owner, and understanding exactly what that meant.  The house was going to be the end of all my problems, and it ended up being a burden of epic proportions.  Because my mother and I choose to take a family member at their word, I started my own business.  I thought, FINALLY, something that I can control.  I learned that I was capable of starting something from scratch, and making it work for me.  I learned that I could help children, and get paid well to do it.

A year later (the cycle was getting shorter) it all feel apart.  I lost faith in a lot of people (including most of my family), lost a myriad of friends, and left the only place that I had ever thought was MINE to venture to the new frontier (for me) that was Arizona. 

Talk about a Series of Unfortunate Events.  In the almost 3 years that I have lived here, here is just a small list of the things that have happened to me:

• Broken My Foot while walking on Pavement
• Broken my Hand while lifting a shelf
• Gotten in 2 car accidents
• Got accused of threatening a child
• Spent 2 nights in the hospital
• Had my wages garnished because of that Hospital stay
• GOT ARRESTED
• GOT TAKEN TO JAIL

Those last two were clearly the worst.  At this point in my life, I’m not even shocked when stuff like this happens anymore.  The day I got fired from my first job, I didn’t even argue, I just went to get my stuff and left.  I updated my resume, and called the folks I knew that could help me out. The day AFTER I went to jail, I just assumed I was going to lose the other job I had, and I was right.

I’m used to this kinda of stuff happening, which scares me.  Because at this point, I don’t have any FAITH anymore.  I have stopped believing in myself. (Not my skill level, but my level of . . . sustainability for lack of a better word) I know that eventually I am going to either piss the wrong person off, or do something that is perceived as something else, and have to start all over again.

And it’s not that I don’t still think I’m amazing, because I honestly do.  Instead, I just think that no one cares anymore.  At home, people cared that I was great.  They encouraged me to be great, and I felt that.  Living here, and not having an Adequate Support System, has really broken me down.

So, frequently, I feel like I’ve been Chasing Pavements, and going nowhere.  At times, I just want to go HOME.  Other times, I just want to curl up in a ball, and forget that anything else exists.  It’s weird not getting excited about things, not looking ahead.  I don’t do that anymore.  I used to make plans years ahead.  I don’t even plan for 2 weeks ahead at this point.  Because anything can change, at any time.

My mother keeps talking to me about learning my Lessons.  Which seems to be almost the same thing as earning Happiness, or Karma.  My mother says that this cycle continues because the Lessons I was supposed to learn, I haven’t. 

Can a Bish get a Study Guide?

(And don’t you DARE say the Bible)

I just need someone to email me a piece of paper with some essay prompts or long answer questions.  Something like, You should really think about how this action is going to effect your future? Or, What do you think about your reaction to this? A friend recently asked me, “Do you think our lives would be better if we had a “relationship” with God? I couldn’t answer her question. 

I still can’t.  Anyone who has read my recent blogs knows, I’m fighting myself about faith, God, and religion.  A lot of that has to do with me looking back over my life, and thinking it over.  Can I truly say, that I’ve been Blessed, or is my life just a TEST, and not a testimony?

This grey area that I seem to be existing in, I hope it clears up soon.  Cuz I really don’t like fog.  And I don’t know what I was supposed to learn about the last 2+ years of my life, other than Arizona might not be the best place for me.

Thanks for reading . . . Feel free to Comment (not Judge)