Somebody Almost Walked Off with All of My Stuff/Don’t You Remember

*edited & truncated for Syntax and Meaning*

Say what you want about Mr. Winston Jerome Tyler Perry, but the man is a Genius when it comes to evoking emotion with his movies.  Add to that Loretta Devine (who is quickly becoming one of my favorite actresses), and For Colored Girls is a movie that is speaking to me right now.

The last 8 months, have been hard on me.  The culmination of it being my “relationship” with MM.  I have been trying to explain to folks, how I felt, and watching For Colored Girls tonight finally helped me figure it out.  Let me share with you the words that have finally set me free.

Who is this you left me with?

Some simple bitch ‘with a bad attitude?

I wants my things . . . I want my arm wit the hot iron scar . . .& my leg wit the
 flea bite

I want my calloused feet & quick language back 
in my mouth

I remember when I looked myself in the mirror.  I remember when I woke up in the morning, and said to myself, “Go be Awesome today.” I remember being so confident that it annoyed other people.  Then I look at my couch, and I remember how safe I felt laying on it with him. I remember his hands, slowly running up and down my neck, telling me how happy he was to be here with me.

Stealin my shit from me, don’t make it yours

Makes it stolen . . . Somebody almost run off with alla my stuff

It wasn’t a spirit took my stuff, it was a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow

It was a man faster
 than my innocence  . . . was a lover I made too much 
room for

And the one runnin with it, don’t know {or care that}  he got it

My stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year

I used to ridicule women who acted like the loss of a man was the end of their world.  I think, because I felt that inside me, I tried to hide it, and pretended to be completely over it.  Recently, when I realized I didn’t have enough fight in me, to prove myself to an 18 year old white girl, I realized that I was still screaming after him, “Gimme Back alla My Stuff!”

Knowing that this isn’t on his radar, that he so easily . . . set me . . . aside . . . was an ego blow that I wasn’t ready for.  Hadn’t mentally prepared myself for, hadn’t taken the proper spiritual precautions for.  Everything before was an Iota compared to this . . . this . . . vacancy that was left in my soul.

I loved you on purpose . . . .I was open on purpose . . . & I still crave vulnerability & close talk

Even though, I am recovering . . . Even though I can at times see a glimmer of light that the end of this seemingly endless tunnel.  Even though people keep telling me that it has to get better, even though things are going in a more positive direction, there is still a level of fear that I can’t seem to shake.  A voice inside of me that keeps saying, “Remember what happened last time you got comfortable? Remember what happened last time you thought you had it all under control?”

When was the last time, You thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory
I often think about where I went wrong?  The more I do the less I know . . . .

I’m tired of remembering.  I’m tired of this person that I have become.  I am tired of being ashamed that I let someone take a part of me, when everything that I was raised to believed says that this is MY FAULT.  That I left myself get . . . taken.  That I was freely giving pieces of myself, and I have no one to blame for this . . . vacancy . . . love don’t live here . . . anymore.

I think these thoughts, and write these things, knowing that others will see this, and think less of me because of my honesty.  But I never lied before, and I am not going to lie now.  I’m not over him, don’t know if I ever will be.  I think it’s going to take me at least 6 months of stability before I can finally look myself in the mirror and say, You’re okay. Until then, there are good days and bad days.  Days where I almost forget how I got here, but then . . . .I Remember.

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3 thoughts on “Somebody Almost Walked Off with All of My Stuff/Don’t You Remember

  1. Honey!!! Lawd!!! I love me some NtOzake Shange so much… Every poem in that collection… But yes ma’am I have been feeling like somebody walked off with my stuff & dammit I want…. No Need My Stuff Back!!

  2. this post is me – right now. i’m trying to get my stuff back but lawd it’s taking a long time. it’s so easy to give it and so hard to recoup. that poem in that movie spoke to my soul! i loved it! lived it and breathed it! thanks for this post!

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