CSBF Vol 18: I am a Submissive Woman…. Judge If You Must {Part 1}

*Let me just say, these are MY thoughts, and opinions. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you already know how messed up I am as a person. So you should be fine with what I say next. Those of you who have never been here, continue reading at your own risk*

In a recent CSBF I spoke about being tired of playing the role of a Strong, Black, Independent Woman. This was really a prequel to the admission I am in fact, submissive by nature. It wasn’t until I wrote that blog, then had a conversation with MM, that I finally said out loud what I had been afraid to say for years; having the upper hand in a relationship doesn’t appeal to me.  There have been so many men that would have let me have my way, and do whatever I wanted, and they just didn’t appeal to me.

Clearly, this goes against most things I have said in this blog almost from the beginning. But as I have gotten older & dealt with various kinds of men, I noticed a pattern.  They were all very dominant men. They had take charge personalities, and were constantly frustrated when I tried to tell them what to do.  Be it how to program their phone, or which way to take to our destination, they would just be angry.  My compulsion to explain to them how I would handle various scenarios, and my want to make sure they understood MY point of view, was a persistent source of contention.

A part of me, blames my willingness to submit on my daddy issues. I’m almost 30 years old, and I am still looking for someone to tell me what to do. I have no scientific proof, or psychological evidence to support this theory of mine, but it makes sense to me.

submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Now, my definition of submission (in terms of a relationship) might be different from yours, so let me try to explain it.  To me, being submissive in a relationship is not about being the lesser of the two.  But instead, humbling yourself enough to allow another person to take charge.  This means, that in a stable/healthy relationship, the submissive person is able to voice their opinion, share their thoughts, and even disagree with their significant other.

Submissiveness creates a partnership, or an understanding between the two people in the relationship.  Roles and responsibilities are discussed and presented, and those roles are adhered to until such time as more discussion is needed.  Being a submissive person isn’t about giving away all of your control, it’s about using your power in the correct way. In other words,  the willingness to submit is not actually giving up authority, but understanding the benefits of properly using your clout in the relationship.

Today, I sat in church for the first time in more than a year, and my Pastor was speaking on this subject.  Everything he said, I had just recently discovered within myself, so it was like the entire sermon was confirmation just for me.  During the sermon, several points were made that really made me see some of the relationships I have had in the past in a completely different way.

  • Woman was designed to fulfill a need inside of Adam (Man) – Genesis 2:18
  • Woman was designed to bring out the Man in Adam – Genesis 2:21

Submissive {from the Hebrew Definition}

To Line up under, for your protection.

What this said to me, is most women who have such an issue with being submissive in their relationship might not have the right man for them.  Every man has an innate need to prove their manliness.  Usually he does this by being a provider/protector.  In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to do/be this.  “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.  If you are with a man who feels no need to protect/provide for you, he’s probably not the right man for you.

You should also remember – according to Biblical Theory – Man and Woman were created as equals.  It was only after Eve tempted Adam God said, as a PUNISHMENT, Adam would rule over Eve. If you – like me – don’t spend every day looking at the Bible . . . you can just look at Biology.  There are very few things that a Man can do, that a Woman can’t.

It takes a certain KIND of woman to bring out the protector/provider in your man.  The Club Heauxs, and Facebook Models will give a man everything he wants.  But very few women cause a man to look for what he needs.  So if you have found such a man, why must you constantly explain to him that YOU don’t need him? He could have chosen, pursued, went after anyone, and yet he has chosen to be with you.  He wants to make your life easier.  He wants to ease your fears, and keep you safe.

As a woman, you should understand the rarity of this selection as it were, and hold on to it.  Too many times, we nag and nag and nag a man into being something he doesn’t want to be.  In a stable/healthy relationship the Man already knows who and what he is. The purpose of a relationship is not to meet someone and change them, but instead to be together, sharing like interests.  Relationships are for building character in both people, not breaking each other down.

I recently met someone who made me want to become this woman.  Meeting him also made me realize I am nowhere near ready to do this.  Being submissive means sacrificing the woman’s inherent need to nurture her mate.  To mother him, and take care of him, instead of letting it be the other way around.  If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  The more I think about admitting that I am submissive by nature, the more I realize that I have also become closer to God in the last few months. I think there is a direct correlation between those two things, and My Awesome Pastor confirmed this for me today.

This isn’t an “Only Smart Women Submit” type of Blog.  It’s really me trying to figure this whole thing out for myself.  Submission isn’t just a biblical thing, or a relationship thing {Part 2}, or a sexual thing {Part 3}, it’s an overall decision you make for yourself.  Honestly, I’ll be 30 years old in 6 days, and I JUST figured this out.  But this revelation really has changed my outlook on future relationships.

I want to be in a relationship, not because I like hugs, but because I am quite weary of not being able to share my life experiences with someone.  It’s amazing the things you are able to admit to yourself, when life makes you sit your black arse down and evaluate who you really are.  In my journey to become a person that I like again, the path is not what I was expecting.  18 months ago, I would have lambasted a blog like this with snide comments and judgments.  Instead, I sit here writing it, not ashamed and actually hoping it sparks conversation among my friends.

As always, your thoughts are welcomed! Let me know what you think!

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4 thoughts on “CSBF Vol 18: I am a Submissive Woman…. Judge If You Must {Part 1}

    • Honestly, the Series my pastor is doing on relationships is phenomenal. I’m going to purchase it. Thanks for reading girl, there is definitely more to come.

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