Seeds of Doubt

Okay, so this isn’t going to be witty and inspiring. I’m having a tough time right now and I need to get all this out.

One of the major problems with being honest on Social Media sites and blogging about the good times, is that I feel judged when I post about my imperfections.

For about 4 months, I have been actively trying to lose weight. I haven’t gone on a diet, I’ve changed my lifestyle. I currently weigh 341 pounds. My goal is to be 250lbs….225, if I can. I want to complete this goal for a myriad of reasons, my own personal health being the main reason. But last week was a hard week for me.

When I stepped on the scale I had gained like 7 lbs. I have been working out at least 3 times aa week.  So how is it even possible that I have gained weight. A dress I bought 3 weeks ago in a smaller size was tight. I just felt so defeated.

It seemed like everything I was doing was for no reason.  If I can’t reach this goal in a timely manner, I could lose something that has come to mean everything to me. But I just have gotten so complacent when it comes to being the size I am. I hated myself for such a long time, because of how other people perceived me. I felt I had to accept me at whatever size I had become, becuase it was never going to change.

Them one day, I had a reason to change. My initial motivation isn’t important. That I had motivation is enough.

I know I’m not fat an lazy. I know I don’t eat McDonald’s for every meal. I know that I can’t run or jog, but I also don’t spend every moment on a couch. And yet, I have worked so hard to make changes and I’m not seeing any results. Last week, I was ready to quit. Just to give up, and be miserable. But I would have judged myself for quitting this soon. Its just hard to see what my life could be and want it right now.

I had never paid attention to all the things I had given up on, because I had gotten to this weight. Going out to clubs, amusement parks, swimming in public, etc. Its not because I’m ashamed of myself (at least I dont think) but because other people look at me in disgust/shame/pity. I’m not a project. I’m just me.

But this me that I have become, I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the work that I have done. I want to want to dress up, because I have pretty clothes that fit a new body. I want to wear tights with little short dresses that show off my amazing calves.

I just wish I could get there sooner than later. My internal goal, an 18 month transformation, is about 3 months in. And the results have been minimal. I have to work harder, do more, sacrifice some things that I dont want to sacrifice in order to meet this goal.

And yet, when I go to bed I still wonder….Is it all worth it? Will I meet my goal on time? Will I ever be able to dance how I want to, and run up a hill without fear of a heart attack. The bigger question, is the person that was okay with me at 378lbs still going to exist at 225-250lbs? And if so, is this always going to be a struggle for me. A lifelong internal struggle that I have to deal with?

This morning, my Aquafit instructor asked me if I had seen results since I had started coming to her class…and my answer was no. I know they are coming. If the pain in my muscles is any indication, Its coming very soon. Its just hard to do this, and not take the easy way out. I don’t have a work out buddy. I’m doing this alone, by choice. Because I can’t depend on someone else to help me, especially since I got this way on my own.

The emotional ramifications of my size – the comfort eating, the years battling depression,  the low self esteem – have all been acknowledged and dealt with in some ways. But its still hard to not see the results I want.

Those Seeds of Doubt….they seem to be firmly planted. But I swear I will figure out a way to get rid of them.

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2 thoughts on “Seeds of Doubt

  1. Don’t be discouraged. It’s normal in the early stages to fluctuate a bit but the fact that you’re trying at all WILL pay off in the end. Some of us are still working on the motivation to take that first *points to self* so don’t you quit! Consistency is a must. Keep on trekking. It’s not in vain. Just in the fact that you’re doing what’s best for you health wise. The scale and dress sizes will eventually take care of themselves.

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