Okay, so this isn’t going to be witty and inspiring. I’m having a tough time right now and I need to get all this out.
One of the major problems with being honest on Social Media sites and blogging about the good times, is that I feel judged when I post about my imperfections.
For about 4 months, I have been actively trying to lose weight. I haven’t gone on a diet, I’ve changed my lifestyle. I currently weigh 341 pounds. My goal is to be 250lbs….225, if I can. I want to complete this goal for a myriad of reasons, my own personal health being the main reason. But last week was a hard week for me.
When I stepped on the scale I had gained like 7 lbs. I have been working out at least 3 times aa week. So how is it even possible that I have gained weight. A dress I bought 3 weeks ago in a smaller size was tight. I just felt so defeated.
It seemed like everything I was doing was for no reason. If I can’t reach this goal in a timely manner, I could lose something that has come to mean everything to me. But I just have gotten so complacent when it comes to being the size I am. I hated myself for such a long time, because of how other people perceived me. I felt I had to accept me at whatever size I had become, becuase it was never going to change.
Them one day, I had a reason to change. My initial motivation isn’t important. That I had motivation is enough.
I know I’m not fat an lazy. I know I don’t eat McDonald’s for every meal. I know that I can’t run or jog, but I also don’t spend every moment on a couch. And yet, I have worked so hard to make changes and I’m not seeing any results. Last week, I was ready to quit. Just to give up, and be miserable. But I would have judged myself for quitting this soon. Its just hard to see what my life could be and want it right now.
I had never paid attention to all the things I had given up on, because I had gotten to this weight. Going out to clubs, amusement parks, swimming in public, etc. Its not because I’m ashamed of myself (at least I dont think) but because other people look at me in disgust/shame/pity. I’m not a project. I’m just me.
But this me that I have become, I don’t want to be her anymore. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of the work that I have done. I want to want to dress up, because I have pretty clothes that fit a new body. I want to wear tights with little short dresses that show off my amazing calves.
I just wish I could get there sooner than later. My internal goal, an 18 month transformation, is about 3 months in. And the results have been minimal. I have to work harder, do more, sacrifice some things that I dont want to sacrifice in order to meet this goal.
And yet, when I go to bed I still wonder….Is it all worth it? Will I meet my goal on time? Will I ever be able to dance how I want to, and run up a hill without fear of a heart attack. The bigger question, is the person that was okay with me at 378lbs still going to exist at 225-250lbs? And if so, is this always going to be a struggle for me. A lifelong internal struggle that I have to deal with?
This morning, my Aquafit instructor asked me if I had seen results since I had started coming to her class…and my answer was no. I know they are coming. If the pain in my muscles is any indication, Its coming very soon. Its just hard to do this, and not take the easy way out. I don’t have a work out buddy. I’m doing this alone, by choice. Because I can’t depend on someone else to help me, especially since I got this way on my own.
The emotional ramifications of my size – the comfort eating, the years battling depression, the low self esteem – have all been acknowledged and dealt with in some ways. But its still hard to not see the results I want.
Those Seeds of Doubt….they seem to be firmly planted. But I swear I will figure out a way to get rid of them.