So last night, MM asked me why he was so different. What made him so special that I was all in the love with him? It wasn’t even an ego stroke moment, it was a genuine question. His worry was my answer would be hella Ghei, full of sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn hair. The answer surprised him: Because You’ve Made Me Like Myself Again.
Let me attempt to explain. If you have ever read my blog, you know that I have suffered depression and more in my lifetime. The last 3 years, since I moved to Arizona actually, have been the most difficult in my life. While I have seen new highs in my life, the lows almost took me out. Smiling was difficult. Finding the positive in most situations was virtually impossible for me. I’d become a terminally pessimistic person, I was frequently annoyed with myself.
I struggle to write this next part, simply because I know anyone who reads this will judge me. I hesitate, not because I’m ashamed, but because if you haven’t experienced it you honestly wouldn’t understand. I’m happy for the first time since probably College.
I have hope, faith, and goals. Not because they were set by him, but because he supports me in what I want to do. He actually believes in me. Before this, the only person in my life who supported me blindly was my mother. Doesn’t matter what kind of crazy Idea it is, he’s there to support me. Crazy that I had forgotten I need that.
He makes me want to touch him. That’s not in a sexual way, perverts. I have an EXTREME aversion to physical contact. I’ve had it most of my life. Its clearly cuz I didn’t get enough hugs in my youth. But something about him, I can’t keep my hands to myself. The various textures of his face, the softness of his hair, the weight of him…I just CRAVE it. I never thought I would be this kind of girl.
Speaking of kind of girls….I picture our wedding. Now, to you this is not significant. But to me, this is life altering. When I was 7, my mom’s hairdresser’s daughter told me I was ugly. She told me no one would ever love me, that I wouldn’t get married, and I was going to be miserable for the rest of my life.
I didn’t even know that had affected me until about a week ago. I believed her, I can’t even tell you why. But I did. So I never really looked into the future. I never looked at wedding venues and.thought, I might be here one day. I’ve said, I want to get married to so & so but it wasn’t real. With him, I see myself walking down an aisle. In a dress, with a veil. And flowers, and I can hear the song. That’s that hope thing again.
He also wants me to be a better person. He’s helping me get my finances together. Like on purpose. Money has been a personal struggle my whole life. But I think I might almost be there. Keep in mind, he’s not God. He’s a catalyst. Motivation as it were. By myself, I was content. My money struggles were my problems, and no one but my mother saw them. But as he already has all his shit together it made me want to get on the same page. I feel the need to impress him, in fact I work very hard to do so. What’s crazy about that, is he tries his hardest NOT to impress me. Its not working at all but still…
My other struggle has always been my weight/size/health. Again, as I lived a very solitary life, I made a conscious effort to get comfortable with whatever size I was. I had to accept me, as I was going to be spending the rest of my life with me. I’ve fought losing a significant amount of weight for about 10 years. The thought behind it being, “My weight changing doesnt make me a different person. So why change it?” I will admit, there is still part of me that feels this way. Fortunately, there is another part that says if I am going to be the person he needs/wants then I have to make some changes. If I am going to run with him every night after dinner, I can’t stay my current size. If we are going to go out dancing every werkend, I can’t be this size. I had gotten used to being a Big Girl, had found the sexy on it, and worked it well. But as I journey to be HIS girl, I got some work to do. Its that hope/goal thing. Every time I think about not going to the gym, I remember the feeling I get when I get to share a new experience with him.
Again, a catalyst. Not the reason. Its hard to admit how much I’ve changed just because I know him. The things I have learned about myself, and what I want. Who I want to be in this phase of my life. The things I want to do, places I want to visit, new moments to capture.
The smile on my face comes from contentment. Adversely the MJ that has existed since college was complacent. Fact: Most of the clothes I have I’ve had since College. There is a reason behind that.
This new me, the one I am getting to know is starting to enjoy shopping. She likes waking up in the morning, and making the extra effort to find an outfit that looks good on her. She enjoys getting home and cooking dinner. She enjoys life.
Does she still have rough moments, of course. They still exist, and at times knock me down. But the old me, would have quit. Not this new and improved MJ. She just jumps back up, dusts herself off, and forges ahead.
This is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes the changes he has, unknowingly, made in me. Gosh I *heart* him.
*Sunshine* *Rainbows* *Unicorn Laughs*