I sincerely hope this is the last time I ever write about this. But it seems that it’s best I make this public so people can understand my current state of mind.
I allowed the same person to break my heart 3 times, in less than a year. The first time, it came out of nowhere. The Second Time, I actually expected it, so that wasn’t so bad. But the Third Time, that is what broke me again.
It wasn’t that he was no longer there, it wasn’t that I didn’t get to see his face everyday, it wasn’t that I wasn’t happy anymore. It was that he seemed to take such pleasure in slowly ruining the relationships around me. The people I knew I was going to need to keep me sane, to help me fall apart in a healthy way. That’s what he took from me. And he did it so absolutely, I couldn’t do anything but watch from the sidelines. In awe and Horror, as people I had trusted with every secret thought and feeling became seemingly more loyal to him than they were to me.
I don’t use the term friend freely. I definitely don’t call people family easily. Hell, I don’t claim 1/3 of my biological family. I have created the family I wanted, under the false pretense that these people I had chosen, had welcomed into my life, would never hurt me. Call me naive, but as my intentions have always been to better people’s lives I felt that is how those people I choose to bring into my inner circle felt as well.
When I was 17, I lost my best friend because I introduced her to a boy I liked. He liked her more than he liked me, and it ruined our friendship for at least 3 years. Because of that, I never introduced anyone to each other. I was quite adamant about not mixing friends/family/potential significant others. At 29 (12 years later) I did the exact same thing, and expected a different result. I don’t know why. I’m clearly insane.
I can accept the blame for watching things fall apart, and caring more about hurting other people’s feelings than my own. But The Word that seems to be sticking in my head these days is Loyalty. There will always come a point in your life, when you have to choose who you are going to be loyal to. Even though I know most people don’t think like me, I’ve still been ridiculously hurt by people who told me one thing, and did another.
You would think at 30 years old, I wouldn’t be so extremely broken by what has happened in the last 3 months. That’s not the case. Someone told me yesterday that I’ve changed too much because of how things ended with MM. To that I say this: You don’t know how much I’ve changed. You will never in your life understand how badly he hurt me, for months. Why? Because I am too loyal to you to tell you. Because I have always wanted to make sure that people had a good view of who he was. I hurt myself trying not to hurt him. That’s my fault. So is putting my faith in anyone who needs me more than they are willing to admit.
In my life, there have been about 3 times when I have felt like this. The first time, I almost didn’t make it. But I know I will make it this time. Because I have finally decided to be loyal to myself. I’m going to put myself, and my dreams, first. My life is going to change next year. For the better. Not because some magical potion is going to make it so, but because I am just fucking TIRED of the same things/people hurting me.
So I’m going to go on about my life, licking my wounds along the way. Trying to forget the simple shit that always seems to remind me of the Happiest/Saddest time of my life. From Harry Potter, to Genghis Grill, to late night phone calls, to car choreography, to late night epiphanies, to O Faces.
I’m Letting it go, just as the people who helped create those memories seem to have let me go.
Taxi driver, Be my shrink for the hour
Leave the meter running
It’s rush hour, So take the streets if you wanna
Just outrun the demons, could you
He said “Allah hu akbar”, I told him don’t curse me
“Bo Bo you need prayer”, I guess it couldn’t hurt me
If it brings me to my knees, It’s a bad religion
This unrequited love
To me it’s nothing but a one-man cult
And cyanide in my styrofoam cup
I could never make him love me
Never make him love me
It’s a bad religion
To be in love with someone, Who could never love you
I know, Only bad religion
Could have me feeling the way I do
Frank Ocean – Bad Religion