Dreaming With a Broken Heart . . .

So I decided to let John Mayer be my guide while I write this blog. It’s probably not going to be coherent, but I can promise that it will be nothing but the truth.

Dreaming with a Broken Heart

“I never want to love someone that much again.” It’s something we all say after a break-up.  After you have cried all the tears you need to cry, you decide to hide your heart, and never again be taken in by the words of another man.  It’s not even so much out of hate or anger, it’s out of self-preservation. It bothers me when people close to me have told me I’ve changed recently.

They say I have become distant, and not like the person I was BEFORE.  What I can’t seem to relate to anyone is that I was UnHappy BEFORE. I might have been miserable at times DURING, but it beat the hell out of BEFORE.  I’d gotten so good at lying to myself that clearly the lie had been spread all over the place. AFTER, I’m still trying to figure out how to put all the pieces back together.

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart 
The waking up is the hardest part 
You roll outta bed and down on your knees 
And for the moment you can hardly breathe 
Wondering was she really here? 
Is she standing in my room? 
No she’s not, ’cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone…. 

Gravity

This is actually my favorite John Mayer Song.  But only the live versions.  When I saw John Mayer, this is the song that made me cry.

Gravity, Is working against me. And Gravity, wants to bring me down.

That’s how you feel, when everything you had started to build crumbles around you.  Every hope, dream, and Fairy tale just disappeared, and you have to cope with that realization and move on.  Right now in my life, is when poverty really bothers me.  Not because I’m starving, but because I didn’t get a chance to fall apart this time.  I couldn’t retreat in a corner, and deal with my heart changing.  LIFE got in the way.  Other people’s problems mattered more, other people’s health mattered more, than me crying over losing my heart.

All I’ve wanted to do, for the last 3 months, is disappear.  Just stay in my house, and be sad.  Not talk to anyone, or see anyone, and just be still.  To stop the world around me from spinning out of control for just a minute.  So that I can process and learn from this experience and get rid of some of the hate, anger, and bitterness that it left inside me.

Friends, Lovers or Nothing

I should have played this song every morning.  To remind myself of the fact, that Question was never answered.  What were we? Who was I to you, really? It was never a secret what he was to me, but I’m starting to believe that everything he said was a half-truth.  Just enough to tide me over until the next time that I questioned what we were doing.  I needed constant confirmation that I wasn’t wasting my time.  That I wasn’t giving my heart to someone who could never love me the way that I needed to be loved.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter does it, what we were.  I think it matters more what I felt we were.

Anything other than Yes is No, anything other than Stay is Go, anything less than I Love You is Lying . . .

Edge of Desire (Blog I wrote about this Song)

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me

Cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see

I want you so bad, I’ll go back on the things I believe

There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me

Love Is a Verb

This song meant so much to me, I got it tattooed on my foot.  It’s so simple when you think about it.  Love is indeed a Verb.  It requires action to show its presence.  If those actions aren’t there, how do you know for sure?  Words are beautiful, but they can damage you much more than actions at times.  I know now, not to be wowed by the words, but instead to demand action.  This doesn’t mean flowers and candy. This means, to me: Attention, Devotion, Dedication, Understanding, and Honesty.  As every person is different, they are going to demonstrate this differently. But, I’m going to be much more cautious next time.  Much less invested, until I know that some of this has taken place.

When you show me love
I don’t need your words
Yeah love ain’t a thing
Love is a verb

So this is where I am today.  Good or Bad, It’s where I am.  Coping, and dealing every day.  Trying to rebuild, and move on without fear taking over.

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