Moment of Clarity or The Man of My Dreams . . .

When I was younger, my mother would say I had ‘Second Sight’ because I would make statements, say the most ridiculous things about people, and they would be (or come) true. I knew what I knew because I would dream it.  It wasn’t always clear to me what it meant, but I would always share it with my mom.  I was the Fish Dream QUEEN until I hit puberty.  About then, my dreams started to be less detailed and more like everyone else’s.

Honestly, the ability to see other people’s lives in my dreams used to scare me.  I never told anyone but my mom about it, because I thought it made me just a little too different.  On occasion, I would have a dream that was warning me of something or someone and I would trust it.  The only by-product of this pre-pubescent skill seemed to be the ability to pick lottery numbers for one of my mother’s friends.  Any time he would ask, I would give him winning numbers.  Sadly, we didn’t get money, but I did get pretty dresses.

Because I still remember what my dreams used to tell me, I believe and trust them.  They help explain (frequently to myself) the rationale behind something which has already happened in my life.  Nonetheless, I ALWAYS I know I am dreaming.  I have a Moment of Clarity (usually at the beginning of the dream) in which I state, “This isn’t real.” It helps me process what I’m experiencing during the dream, as well as after.

This morning, I dreamt  about The One that Got Away. *He will always be known as that, I think we would have been an amazing couple.  If only I hadn’t been so shy when I was younger.* I had gone to Dayton to visit some friends, and we happened to be in the same place.  We saw each other from afar and made eye contact.  In my mind, he should have immediately come and spoken to me.  For some reason, he chose not to.  I was PISSED.  I said in front of everyone in the restaurant, “I’m standing here trying to figure out why *********** hasn’t walked over here and spoken to me.” I then walked away, grabbed a straightening comb and went to find a plug.

He quickly followed me out of the room, and the restaurant morphed into my father’s house.  I walked into my childhood bedroom and he joined me.  I lay down on the bed, and he sat beside me.  We started conversing about everything I’ve gone through in the last 2 years and after telling him about it,  I experienced such a feeling of peace.

The kind of peace you only experience post-Church Service that was speaking to your soul. We just laid there, I put my head on his chest and slept. Before I fell asleep, he said, “I’ll be here when you wake up.”  When my alarm went off, he wasn’t there.   I cried, HARD. He had broken his promise to me.

I really had to tell myself, MJ it was a dream. After thinking about this dream all day, and talking to TOTGA, I finally interpreted  the dream.  It wasn’t so much about him, but men in my life. It must be stated, I’m an open book.  I don’t hide anything from people I meet, especially if I plan on being emotionally intimate with them.  With the exception of 1 person, they have all broken their promises (or gone against their word). Be it, “No one will know,” or “I’ll never judge you,” or “Our friendship will always be important to me,” they have all been proven false.

I hold people to incredibly high standards.  That’s how I was raised by both of my parents, and it’s something I apply to my everyday life.  (That’s a whole other blog though)

In the case of my Father, he has broken so many promises to me in my lifetime (in my opinion) trusting him isn’t really an option at this point.  As a grown woman, I shouldn’t’ need to rely on his promises, right?  I should be looking at my ‘Mate’ for that kind of security.  The problem is, every man I have ever been involved with romantically has been some version of my father in some way.  This shouldn’t have come as such a surprise to me, as I’ve spoken about my Daddy Issues at length in other postings.

In my experience, Moments of Clarity are the by-product of a subconscious accepting of something you have been struggling to comprehend/understand/deal with.  When it clicks in your soul, you can finally face it in your mind. I’m there now.

I can finally admit there was nothing I could have done to change how my relationship with MM ended.  There were too many reasons it wasn’t working, and only a few reasons it was.  I can admit I failed.  I made a promise I wasn’t able to keep, and THAT’S what hurt the most.  I am and have been living with the guilt that I am Just Like My Father.  Talk about MindFuck.  Yeah, all that.

This Moment of Clarity comes at a hard time for me personally.  I’ve lost 2 friends this year, mostly due to my own inability to deal with the loss of MM.  I don’t blame people for writing me off.  I can only hope they eventually understand  my side of it, and we are able to move past everything. When TOTGA asked me about my life, I told him it was ‘Manageable.’ His advice: Work on your management skills, it’s bound to get better.

 Thank God for Granting Me, this Moment of Clarity.

I’m glad it was delivered by the Man of My Dreams.

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