Anybody Want to Buy a Heart?

*The following post was inspired by this Album*

I used to write all the time.  I’m kind of ashamed I don’t anymore.  Maybe it’s a good thing, because the reason I don’t write anymore is that I just don’t have the time.  Between having two jobs, one boyfriend, and trying my best to have an actual social life, it’s just been A LOT.

I’m not complaining, because that would make me an asshole.  Because there are people who wish they had my life.  So for those 3 people, I’m grateful everyday.  I think I’m searching for a creative outlet though.  Every minute of every day is focused on something, and It’s exhausting.  My time doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to the kids I tutor, or the kids on my case load.  Or it belongs to my boyfriend, or it belongs to my friend who needs a support system.

I think my only child is angry with me.  I haven’t had a day when I turned off my phone and movie hopped since . . . maybe July of last year? The minute summer camp ended, I was on the run.  I had to find two jobs, because I need variety.  My need for autonomy and flexibility also leads to multiple responsibilities.  If i take a day off of work, I could really actually impact someones life.

I’m wondering if I’m making myself feel important?  If i’m picking jobs/tasks because I know people are actually counting on me.  I feel like there is some psychological explanation for having that kind of complex . . . and it’s not a good/positive one.  So because I fear I’m secretly crazy, I’m stressed out.  That leads to getting sick, and staying home but still working from home because $$$. Either way, I judge myself for not working, and I’m judging myself FOR working so much because I don’t know if my heart is all the way in it.

My goal for this year, has been to take one weekend a month, and have it be about me.  I’m slowly but surely trying to change my schedule so that I actually adhere to my off days.  I haven’t been so far. But next month is a new month, so i guess we will try that again.  The other good thing is that I get to start working out again.  I remember how clear my mind used to be when I was working out 5 days a week.  Gotta get back to that.

Maybe my middle of the week off days will be for writing.  Maybe that will be the time I carve out for myself to sit, find a topic, and write at least 1000 words.  I doubt I’ll post all of them, but still to have them there.  My last blog was written in September! Almost 6 months ago.  Half a Year without writing?!?!? I just like . . . what?

So here’s the last thing . . . I think like a social worker now.  It’s HORRIBLE for a relationship.  Because when conflicts arise, I’m looking at it as, how can I solve this problem.  I’m stepping out of it, and analyzing the situation . . . instead of being in it at the time.  I think my Trauma Stewardship Skills have reached an all time high.  I don’t take anything personal, I don’t assume anything about people’s actions.  I’m quite sure in the last few weeks someone has tried to sabotage me . . . but I’m not worried about THAT. I actually said to a co-worker, “I can’t judge her because she feels a way about me.  That’s her journey, and it has nothing to do with me.”

WHAT . . . . IS . . . . LIFE?!?!?!?!  I’m actually starting to live by the motto, “We Don’t Judge.”

I think I’m at a personal crossroads.  Not one that’s going to lead me to moving again or anything like that.  But one that makes me reorganize my life, my priorities, and such.  My calmness scares me, which shouldn’t be a thing right? But as someone who used to be the emotional equivalent of a Kardashian-West Twitter Rant, this is just weird.

Thanks for Reading . .. hopefully there’s more coming.

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