I thought I’d escaped it. The rush of emo that comes from hearing a new song by Adele. I had done well all day. I listened to 21 and no tears came. I listened to 19…still nothing. So of course I felt safe.
It wasn’t my reaction to the song that caused the problems this time. It was someone ELSES reaction. It took them to a place and I got dragged along for the ride. Honestly, I was a willing participant. It was a conversation that needed to be had, and I got some confirmation I probably needed.
What I didn’t need was the by product of that confirmation. The self doubt. The what-ifs that sprang up.
What if I stop by and try to have a conversation with him?
What if we tried to be friends?
What if I hadn’t walked away?
I’ve been doing so good about MM. Exceptionally well actually.
Consider this: We live ten minutes away from each other, and I’ve only done a drive-by once. Ive only called once, and that was from my office phone, and I didn’t even leave a message.
I’ve left him alone, because My Pride is finally stronger than my need for closure.
I had a relationship, a good relationship whose end had nothing to do with MM, and everything to do with me deciding I needed and deserved more. I can honestly say, I didn’t hold my ex to any standards, that was probably the problem.
With TBTLNY, the same level of intimacy we had was something I thought I’d found with MM. TBTLNY was the Prototype. MM was the 1st Edition.
Adele almost had me driving to his house, or making a phone call to see if just maybe……
But I didn’t. I put my phone in Airplane Mode, took some Nyquil and took my melancholy ass to sleep.
Because no good will ever come of rejection for closures sake. No good EVER came from that. And I’m blessed to say, I value my sanity and myself more than I value his presence in my life.
I miss the FUCK out of MM. I still think about him on an almost regular basis. But I also smile now, and can face the world without fear, and can listen to music without crying. It’s a constant battle trying to figure out where my feelings are going to take me when I think about him. Adele didn’t help yesterday.
But just like the temperature in Arizona after the sun comes out, Still I Rise!
So as I sit in this spa chair, getting the best pedicure $25 can buy, I know I’ll be ok. I won’t call. I won’t drive by. I’ll continue to let it be my past. And that’s okay.
I called. Adele got me. And I’m woman enough to admit it.