30 Day Writing Challenge: Things I Hate About You

{Full Disclosure.  I wrote this blog during a 3 hour flight to a conference for work.  It was 48 hours after Hello had been released, but BEFORE I talked to my ex. So this is rather emo.  It’s also kind of cheating, because this day’s challenge was supposed to be just 3 songs.  But Yeah, That.}

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10. Hello – Adele

I Hate that I’m thinking about you again. I Hate that hearing this song has put all these emotions back in my mindspace. I Hate that this song stirred up old resentments and anger about life Post-You. I Hate that everyone else gets to talk to you, and see you, and I don’t. I Hate how selfish it sounds to say, “You were my friend FIRST!” And I Hate that I will forever feel that way.

9. Lay Me Down

I Hate that British White People seem to be the only singers to properly convey my pain about you. I Hate that THIS song made me cry the first time I heard it. I Hate that the only person I could explain my reaction to has the option to talk to you whenever she wants to. I hate that I can’t TALK about you to anyone. I Hate  that explaining this 5 year clusterfuck takes a book, not a text. I Hate that I miss the Smell of you in the morning. I Hate that I can’t remember your face, but I remember what your chest feels like. I Hate that you didn’t trust my love for you enough to read the fucking letter I wrote you. I HATE that the only time I feel real emotion is when I’m thinking about or talking about you.

8. Farewell – Rihanna

I Hate that you got out of the service. I Hate that we talked about your life after you left, and I’m not there to see it. I Hate that I say goodbye to you on an almost daily basis. I Hate that I still remember the first time I heard this song, and crying on the couch because I thought you were going to be deployed. I Hate that singing this song out loud still makes me cry. I hate that you could hear this song, and not one fuck would be given about me. I Hate that not having you in my life made me give up on love. I Hate that I came to the realization that I was never in love with BTB. I Hate the fact that I’ll never be in love again.

7. Stone Cold – Demi Lovato

I Hate that the first time I heard this song, I thought of you. I Hate that this song didn’t come out in 2012. Because I would have stood outside your house and sang it. I Hate that the words, “If Happy is Her, I’m happy for you.” Apply to my best friend. I Hate that you made me Hate my Best Friend for a brief period of time. I Hate you for ruining the context of perfectly good songs. I Hate that I don’t like Demi’s version, because she’s singing it like I feel about you. It’s ugly, and I Hate that my feelings for you are still so ugly.

6. Far Away – Marsha Ambrosius

I Hate that I don’t listen to this album ever. Because it reminds me of when we fell apart. I Hate that this song is about suicide, and missing you made me contemplate it on more occasions than I’m comfortable with admitting. I Hate that you are so far away, but you live within driving distance. I Hate that I can’t even DRIVE on Ajo for fear of seeing you. I Hate that she was the one to tell me you were in Seattle, and now I’m afraid I’ll bump into you at the airport. I Hate that not even traveling is free of you. I Hate that every time I go to the grocery store, half of me is afraid to see you, and the other half hopes I do.  I just HATE YOU. And I Hate that Hating you is the only way I can tell myself to stop loving you. I have to remember all the shitty fucked up things you did to me, so I don’t remember the way you made me feel. I Hate that the only time I’ve felt happy, was when I was with you. I know I’ve been content most  times, but Happiness is rare. I Hate that because of you I know the difference between Happy and Content.

5. Over You – Miranda Lambert

I Hate the Country music makes me think of you. I Hate that I still have a Whiskey Lullabye Pandora Station. I Hate that Country music is the 2nd best genre for emo shit. “But you went away, how dare you! I miss You!” What the fuck dude. I HATE that song lyrics seriously only matter when it pertains to you. I Hate that you stole the music from me. I Hate that I was longing for the meaning, and now I wish it would go away. God, I Hate You.

4. Maybe, Tomorrow – Jackson 5

I Hate that knowing you didn’t read the letter gave me hope. I Hate that hope still exists in my life. I Hate that even though hope popped up, right behind it was self-doubt and my propensity for bashing myself in your eyes. “Maybe Tomorrow, you’ll change you mind” Fuck You Hope. Fuck you very much.

3. Whenever You’re Around

I Hate that I’m currently on an airplane and can’t sing this entire song on your voicemail. I Hate that you even ruin Jill Scott songs. I Hate that 48 hours from now, I’ll go back to being numb again, and I won’t even have these feelings anymore. I Hate that numb is safe. I Hate that we aren’t building our tutoring business, and making ridiculous amounts of money while helping the children of Tucson. I Hate that at the end I was lonely around you. I Hate that you shut me out, even before I moved. I Hate that even though my house is becoming a home (finally) it’s still my 2nd choice. I Hate that She thinks we should have made up by now, but it’s not even on your radar. I Hate that I told her never to try to make it happen, because I would hate her for it. I Hate that she actually listened to me.

2. Exit Wounds – Luke James

I wondered if you ever loved me
Cuz if you did, why be so cold
I hope you know . . .

This ain’t a heart it’s just an exit wound
That just won’t close.
My brain in scarred each time I let you through, You left a hole
Stole my smile and all i’ve got left of you,
Is these Exit Wounds . . .

1. The Worst is Over – Laura Izabor

I Hate that I dont think this is true. I Hate how much this song should minister to me, because it’s how I felt after the second time you left. I Hate that even hoping things had ended differently is like admitting it was going to end anyway. It was never going to last, was it? I Hate that you will never read this, see this, or answer any of these questions. I Hate that I still have these many thoughts about you!

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