I’ve spent this year on the sidelines. Sometimes, because I was forced to be there. Other times because I’ve put myself there. I’m trying to figure out how and why this has become my permanent state of being all of a sudden. And what has kept me on the sidelines for this long?
I started 2016 with so much hope and vigor. It was going to be the best year of my life, and I was going to live all my dreams to the fullest! I was going to be more active in Zeta, and go out on the weekends, and travel my ass off! I had everything planned out. Then, January 25th, God said ‘Girl, You THOUGHT!’
So okay, nothing went as planned. Everything was slowed down, and in some cases stopped completely.
I’ve tried not to be angry about having this seizure. I’ve tried to accept that everything happens for a reason. I’ve tried to rationalize my frustration at how people treated me and/or ignored me after it happened. Sometimes, I’m really good at it. But today, I’m fucking pissed!
Because I feel like I’m starting all over again….AGAIN. I had my hopes set on weight loss surgery in 2017, only to find out my insurance doesn’t cover it. And I had started the process, the doctor’s visits, and the everything else. I had 2017 all planned. You would think I would have learned from this year. But alas….I didn’t. So now what….
Where do I go from here? My anxiety won’t let me just fly by the seat of my pants anymore. I need to have a plan to feel safe. But I’m also terrified of making yet another plan, only for that to fall apart too. I can’t take too many more disappointments. Let it also be known that the world in general is disappointing as fuck right now.
Like, I’m 98.3% sure I’m going to spend the next 4 years high as a kite. Cuz just NO. I reject that man, that racists and ignorant people elected, with my whole entire being. REJECT REJECT REJECT. TRY AGAIN, DO OVER!
But whatever, back to my original point. (This is all over the place. Judge me not, it’s 4:30 in the morning, and I couldn’t sleep.)
I want to stop feeling like I’ll never be a part of the crowd. I want to stop being terrified to put myself out there, and/or let other people in. My life mantra of “No New Friends,” has really gone on long enough. [Well maybe, I’m still not sure, because there is that part of me that really doesn’t trust people. Because of that whole, no one is genuine or honest about who they are and what their motives are anymore.]
See what I mean! Conflict. 2016 might have just ruined me. But yeah, I want to not be afraid to reach out. I really do. But Anxiery/Depression is also a thing.
Adulting is hard as FUCK.