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Pigment . . . or Nigga What?!?!

To whom it may concern:

You broke my heart.  Not on some “We in love” type shit, I wasn’t dreaming about forever. But we had SUCH a good thing going.  And yet . . . at the end of the day, it wasn’t what I thought.  My brothers tried to tell me, but like a dummy I didn’t listen.  Because I knew better . . . I was doing this the right way, and my feelings weren’t involved. Or so I thought . . . because after all this time, I’m still hurt.

Maybe I’m the one to blame
That’s just how the game goes
Just want someone to hold
Everybody needs somebody to be there when they’re alone
I just want you to save me (yea)
Just want you to save me . . .

I’d made my mind up, we were going to make this whole thing work for years. Maybe I got arrogant, I thought we were on the same level. Underneath it all, I thought we respected each other enough to be honest, at all time.  I never lied to you. Not once, I was always upfront.  When I was wrong, I told you. When you were wrong, I checked you. I thought that made us friends.

I’ve known most of my life that I’m a loyal person.  If I consider you a friend, then that’s just it.  We are Ride or Die.  I have your back, and you have mine. I would never do something to harm you, and I thought it was vice versa. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt. Because you accused me to something I would NEVER have done.

He said you’re my everything
I love you through everything, I done did everything to him
He forgave me for everything, this a forever thing
Hate that I treat it like it’s a whatever thing
Trust me, boy, this shit is everything to me

Okay, so maybe I lied once.  I told you it was just . . . fun.  It meant something. On multiple levels.  The right people knew what it meant, except you.  Either way, you mattered . . . and always have.  You know THAT, I Know you know that. But at the end of it all . . . the ugly ass way it ended . . . I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have time to get myself ready.  Because it didn’t end the way I wanted to end. I just wasn’t ready for it.

The things that I would do to you with just a couple seconds
I would color every moment, make you feel like it’s forever
I’m comin’ over, so you can start undressin’
I’m givin’ you a chance to finally make a good impression

When I first heard the version of this song on Volume 1, I was PISSED it was only 90 secs.  I thought it held so much potential.  I wanted to send this song to you.  It was the perfect statement was what I wanted us to be. “Get Ready . . . a Bitch has plans.” That’s what the text would have said.  I needed you to know my mindset.  But alas . . . . The Road to Hell is Paved with “Good Intentions.”  This was supposed to be the next level shit we had talked about. But it all fell apart.

You only show me love
When it comes to the music
It’s like when I feel lonely
That’s when you start actin’ choosey
I don’t wanna keep playin’ them games
‘Cause I feel like I’m losin’

So I’m done. I needed to be anyway. But I’m done. Because it’s probably the better decision, at least for me.  But I miss the security that existed because you were in my life. I miss having the knowledge that there was someone out there that thought of me and smiled.  Or maybe you didn’t, and I’m making that up. It makes it easier to lie to myself.

He has you lost in your emotions
And you hate feeling so alone
And now your simpin’ because you know
You shouldn’t have stayed until the morning
It wasn’t worth all the heartache
It wasn’t worth all of the pleasure
Because you were once a diamond
He made you feel like buried treasure

You broke my heart. And I’m judging myself because of that.  Because I KNEW better. I’ve been down that road, and knew how it ended.  But I still . . . quite stupidly . . . had hope that we could be friends at the end of it all. But, friends don’t do that to each other. Friends don’t say shit like, “I mean I hear what you are saying . . . but I don’t believe you.” I’m sitting here, dealing with it.  Because I have to, even if I don’t want to.  But it hurts. Alot.

I’m still lost holding in all of the anger
At the bottom of the ocean and I thought you’d be my savior.
I was distracted, unaware of his behavior
But when I started drowning, I didn’t know he was the anchor.

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White Picket Dreams or TAMC Part 2a

I’m sitting here looking at this old canvas
And the picture looks so different from you
Yes it does, yes it does
Maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board
Cause it’s likely that the man I drew is fictional

Here’s the thing . . . I haven’t listened to this album in a while.  I can’t tell you why, I just haven’t.  But thanks to my Spotify Discover Weekly, this song popped up, and Solange changed my life again.  Cuz I’ve been painting over the same canvas for years.  That image of the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect relationship.  I continue to try to make people (men and women) I meet fit on one of the canvases I created in college, that was supposed to represent what my life should be.  Even while knowing the canvas is bullshit.  Because it is.

For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out
I’m just a link in your chain

It took me 10 years to get over my first love (TBTLINY). Through mostly no fault of his own, I was just holding on to the hope that we could make it work.  Because the connection was so deep, and the love was so strong. It just HAD to work. But in real life, he was just meant to be my friend (I think). {I might still be holding out hope that he will come to his senses, so sue me.  You don’t know my life.} But he’s been the prototype, for everyone that has come afterward.  They have to make me feel like I did when I first heard his voice, I have to want to be with them like I wanted to be with TBTLINY. The connection had to be that strong. Repainting on the same canvas.

If I could… could forget him, I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him, And if I was sane there’d be no competition

But… but I’m in love with someone else (ooh)
And I’m so sorry hey hey
I’m in love with another man
And I know it ain’t right

Instead of trying to heal, you tried to move on.  Even though you weren’t ready.  You might have even found a good guy/girl.  But you were still staring at that old canvas.  Longing for the life you had created in your head and your heart.  It’s so hard to let go of the image, once it’s been solidified in your mind.  That painting is stuck to the walls, and it’s not coming down until it wants to.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
But that was all before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
But now he’s here
It’s not the same, it’s not the same

So then you meet this new person, and they can do all the things.  They make you smile all day, and you feel all the feelings, and they fit the mold.  Finally, you can take that portrait off the wall, and start making a new one.  But instead of starting over, you use the outline of the last painting to create this one.At first, it works perfectly.  Slowly but surely, it’s the little things that don’t quite fit.  The painting starts to go outside the lines. They don’t quite seem so perfect, you start to see the flaws, the colors start changing, lines get blurred.  Once again, the picture in your head was wrong.

Some of you know what it feels like
Caught up just in his life
Don’t wanna try again, thinking what’s the difference?
Why am I not interested?
Cause when you’ve been broken, you feel like no one can fix it

I’ve decided to stop painting.  I just . . . Quit. And I’m okay with that. Clearly, me trying to control every bit of this isn’t working. So I’m done now.  I just needed to say that.  Cuz yeah.  That’s the conclusion I reached yesterday. Just stop trying, cuz Adulting is hard enough without trying to be a master painter.

My need to control every little part of my life is driving me crazy.  I can say that now, probably because when this blog is published, not that many people will read it.  I wrote this a few months ago, but then I didn’t publish it.  At the time, it was because I couldn’t get the Spotify links to work right . . . But you know, everything in time.  So I’ll post it now, and let this be another part of Confession #2.

 

 

 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Things I Hate About You

{Full Disclosure.  I wrote this blog during a 3 hour flight to a conference for work.  It was 48 hours after Hello had been released, but BEFORE I talked to my ex. So this is rather emo.  It’s also kind of cheating, because this day’s challenge was supposed to be just 3 songs.  But Yeah, That.}

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10. Hello – Adele

I Hate that I’m thinking about you again. I Hate that hearing this song has put all these emotions back in my mindspace. I Hate that this song stirred up old resentments and anger about life Post-You. I Hate that everyone else gets to talk to you, and see you, and I don’t. I Hate how selfish it sounds to say, “You were my friend FIRST!” And I Hate that I will forever feel that way.

9. Lay Me Down

I Hate that British White People seem to be the only singers to properly convey my pain about you. I Hate that THIS song made me cry the first time I heard it. I Hate that the only person I could explain my reaction to has the option to talk to you whenever she wants to. I hate that I can’t TALK about you to anyone. I Hate  that explaining this 5 year clusterfuck takes a book, not a text. I Hate that I miss the Smell of you in the morning. I Hate that I can’t remember your face, but I remember what your chest feels like. I Hate that you didn’t trust my love for you enough to read the fucking letter I wrote you. I HATE that the only time I feel real emotion is when I’m thinking about or talking about you.

8. Farewell – Rihanna

I Hate that you got out of the service. I Hate that we talked about your life after you left, and I’m not there to see it. I Hate that I say goodbye to you on an almost daily basis. I Hate that I still remember the first time I heard this song, and crying on the couch because I thought you were going to be deployed. I Hate that singing this song out loud still makes me cry. I hate that you could hear this song, and not one fuck would be given about me. I Hate that not having you in my life made me give up on love. I Hate that I came to the realization that I was never in love with BTB. I Hate the fact that I’ll never be in love again.

7. Stone Cold – Demi Lovato

I Hate that the first time I heard this song, I thought of you. I Hate that this song didn’t come out in 2012. Because I would have stood outside your house and sang it. I Hate that the words, “If Happy is Her, I’m happy for you.” Apply to my best friend. I Hate that you made me Hate my Best Friend for a brief period of time. I Hate you for ruining the context of perfectly good songs. I Hate that I don’t like Demi’s version, because she’s singing it like I feel about you. It’s ugly, and I Hate that my feelings for you are still so ugly.

6. Far Away – Marsha Ambrosius

I Hate that I don’t listen to this album ever. Because it reminds me of when we fell apart. I Hate that this song is about suicide, and missing you made me contemplate it on more occasions than I’m comfortable with admitting. I Hate that you are so far away, but you live within driving distance. I Hate that I can’t even DRIVE on Ajo for fear of seeing you. I Hate that she was the one to tell me you were in Seattle, and now I’m afraid I’ll bump into you at the airport. I Hate that not even traveling is free of you. I Hate that every time I go to the grocery store, half of me is afraid to see you, and the other half hopes I do.  I just HATE YOU. And I Hate that Hating you is the only way I can tell myself to stop loving you. I have to remember all the shitty fucked up things you did to me, so I don’t remember the way you made me feel. I Hate that the only time I’ve felt happy, was when I was with you. I know I’ve been content most  times, but Happiness is rare. I Hate that because of you I know the difference between Happy and Content.

5. Over You – Miranda Lambert

I Hate the Country music makes me think of you. I Hate that I still have a Whiskey Lullabye Pandora Station. I Hate that Country music is the 2nd best genre for emo shit. “But you went away, how dare you! I miss You!” What the fuck dude. I HATE that song lyrics seriously only matter when it pertains to you. I Hate that you stole the music from me. I Hate that I was longing for the meaning, and now I wish it would go away. God, I Hate You.

4. Maybe, Tomorrow – Jackson 5

I Hate that knowing you didn’t read the letter gave me hope. I Hate that hope still exists in my life. I Hate that even though hope popped up, right behind it was self-doubt and my propensity for bashing myself in your eyes. “Maybe Tomorrow, you’ll change you mind” Fuck You Hope. Fuck you very much.

3. Whenever You’re Around

I Hate that I’m currently on an airplane and can’t sing this entire song on your voicemail. I Hate that you even ruin Jill Scott songs. I Hate that 48 hours from now, I’ll go back to being numb again, and I won’t even have these feelings anymore. I Hate that numb is safe. I Hate that we aren’t building our tutoring business, and making ridiculous amounts of money while helping the children of Tucson. I Hate that at the end I was lonely around you. I Hate that you shut me out, even before I moved. I Hate that even though my house is becoming a home (finally) it’s still my 2nd choice. I Hate that She thinks we should have made up by now, but it’s not even on your radar. I Hate that I told her never to try to make it happen, because I would hate her for it. I Hate that she actually listened to me.

2. Exit Wounds – Luke James

I wondered if you ever loved me
Cuz if you did, why be so cold
I hope you know . . .

This ain’t a heart it’s just an exit wound
That just won’t close.
My brain in scarred each time I let you through, You left a hole
Stole my smile and all i’ve got left of you,
Is these Exit Wounds . . .

1. The Worst is Over – Laura Izabor

I Hate that I dont think this is true. I Hate how much this song should minister to me, because it’s how I felt after the second time you left. I Hate that even hoping things had ended differently is like admitting it was going to end anyway. It was never going to last, was it? I Hate that you will never read this, see this, or answer any of these questions. I Hate that I still have these many thoughts about you!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Your Current Relationship

So this might cause a few phone calls . . . But you know. In for a penny and all that . . .

My Ideal Relationship: Emo, Sex, and a Lil Bit of Both

Emo:
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I need an emotional connection with someone.  I need to have someone in my life that I can trust with my deepest, darkest, fears and dreams.  I’ve only had that with two people, TBTLNY and MM.  Because I didn’t know how powerful a true emotional connection  was, I confused those feelings with being In Love with them. I thought all those feelings were supposed to lead to marriage and babies and forever.  I wasn’t sexually attracted to either of them.  Not because they weren’t unattractive, because both of them are beautiful actually.  You saw TBTLNY in my “First Love” blog.  I won’t post one of MM . . .because feelings. Anyway, it wasn’t strange to me that I didn’t want to have sex with them, I figured hey, maybe we will get there in time.

But we never did, and I really didn’t care about that we didn’t. I was completely with the intimacy we had. It wasn’t until recently that I started questioning why that was.  The only two people I’ve considered myself “In Love” with were not sexual partners. It’s because I don’t think emotions and sex should or can be combined.  I’ve never felt a pure emotional connection during sex. This probably mean’s i’ve been doing it wrong.  And that’s okay. But I think I want to keep them separate, for now any way.

Sex:
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I need a sex partner.  Someone who understands – and doesn’t judge me for – my sexual needs.  I need someone who makes me want to lick my lips when I think about them, or grin at inappropriate text messages, or send naughty pictures.  Sex is a release of sorts for me, always has been.  A way to deal with the stress in my life at the time, or just to get rid of pent up energy.  This fabled sexual partner, doesn’t just have to be one person.  I’d prefer a roster.  Like 3 people with different skill level or set.

I want a Giver of Monster Head that actually lives in the same state I’m in. Maybe I can find a Big Daddy Long Stroke to keep me on my toes.  I need someone that’s always down for a good full body massge. I also need for Emo and Sex to get along with each other.  It sounds Poly-Amorus . . . Which is like a really white word for “I want my cake and wanna eat it too.  And I want it to be Calorie free, and good for me.  Also i want a very specific buttercream icing.” And that’s fine too.

Lil Bit of Both
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I also want a girlfriend.  A nice brown-skinned Soft Stud.  With curly hair, or a short hair cut, or maybe dreads.  Who presents as masculine, likes to wear bowties, and is #ExtremelyWoke.  Maybe her major in college was African American Studies, or the African Disporia.  She goes to poetry readings, and coffee houses in her free time.  But she is rarely free, becaue she spends most of her time attending protests, sometimes leading them.  My girlfriend will be my little bit of both.  She will get along with Emo, be friends with Sex, and complete me.  Filling that space the other two can’t.

Is that too much to ask? How come we have to find everything we want in just one person? Why can’t we pick and choose what we want/need/desire and not hold every person to the various standards we have.  Your needs change, you grow with each life experience.  So what worked in 2011, might not be what you need for 2015.  I’m really tired of setting myself up for failure, because I keep wanting my life to look like what i’ve been told it should.

I am the Master of My Fate, I am the Owner of My Destiny.

And my Fate/Destiny may just happen to be, Two Boys and a Girl. 

The Possibility of Us . . .

In my 20’s, I used to make playlists for everything.  Even before the Great Spotify, I needed a soundtrack for whatever my life was at that moment.  They all had super emo names, like “The Living Struggle,”  or “Why do I still Love Him?” etc. It was my way of singing out my problems.  It was a good catharsis for me.  I could instantly go to the song I needed to hear, sing and cry on my porch or balcony, write 7 blogs, send 3 or 4 passive-aggressive emails or texts, and I could move on with life.

In my 30’s, the loss of music has let me know I’m going through something.  When I would rather listen to NPR in car, or Old Podcasts I’ve listened to 1000 times, I know I’m due to have some sort of emotional breakdown.  Living with Depression has taught me everything isn’t sadness.  It isn’t “OMG my life falling apart,” it’s instead I have something I need to.  I have to find the music again.  Find the song, or the playlist, or the lyric that is going to express EXACTLY where I am.  I’ve gotten to the point where I am too busy with everyday life to wallow in my emotions.

That’s probably a good thing, especially for my friends who have been with me through my adult life so far. Because I KNOW they were tired of all the emo ass texts, and phone calls crying over the same person, or the same situation, or some conversation over and over again.  I’m trying to be a better friend.  My last relationship ended just as it began, with little to no fanfare.  No one knew it was over, it just was. That’s the adult way to do it, right? However, tonight, while driving home from my last tutoring session, a random Spotify Playlist lead me all up in my feelings.

I Present to you: Selections from The Possibility of Us.

Poision & Wine – The Civil Wars

I miss MM.  I’ve accepted the fact I miss the intimacy we had.  I can acknowledge that it was unhealthy to a great extent, but also wish I was that naive again.  I trusted every word that came out of his mouth.  I gave every single part of me, gladly, and without Fear.  I’m so cynical and untrusting these days.  I cut people off when I feel they are about to hit me with a bullshit excuse.  I don’t have faith in anyone except my inner circle.  I expect people to lie, and be unfaithful, and bad.  I long for the girl I was when I fell in love with MM.

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Stay – Sugarland

I’ll never be a Side Chick again. It’s not because of something stupid, like morals or whatever. It’s because I’m over the bullshit.  The conversations that used to woo me into that position no longer hold the same weight.  I don’t need you to tell me, “I can’t talk to my wife/girlfriend/lover the way I can talk to you,” in order to feel special.  I don’t need the ego stroke anymore.  Maybe i’ve grown up, or maybe it’s that cynicism.  I’ve come to realize, every Man/Woman has a choice.  You can control yourself.  You can get a divorce. You can break up with your partner. Just like you choose to not be honest with your significant other, I can choose to tell you that you are full of shit, and need to put on your big boy boxers and handle your business.  You aren’t staying for the kids, you are staying for you.  Until you are important enough to you, get the fcuk outta here.

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One Day You Will – Deborah Cox

I’m still looking for the connection I had with TBTLNY.  No one has ever given me that same feeling, which means everyone eventually disappoints me.  {This is probably means I’m continually setting myself up for failure, but you know, whatevs} Which is kind of stupid, since clearly I’m not with him right now. It was a teenage love, but it was STRONG. I would have climbed mountains, and swam oceans, and ran marathons to keep that love in my life.  That feeling, it’s a high I’ve been seeking out since I got the first taste. My life’s addiction is that high.  I can admit that to myself, and even understand how unhealthy that is.  Craving an emotional connection with someone is just as harmful as a drug addiction, because it could lead to putting yourself in dangerous situations.

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I Won’t Give Up (Demo Version) – Jason Mraz

I wish I believed in Love like this again.  Even if I go out searching for it, I don’t believe I will actually find it.  Which is kind of sad right? But it’s the truth.  To be able to say to someone, “I’m not going to quit.  I’m going to love you enough, to work on this.  To grow with you, no away from you.” It requires a certain level of vulnerability and openness, and a trust that I don’t have. And I WISH I had it.  I wish I was that Girl who sat on the phone talking to TBTLYN for 12 hours.  I wish was the Girl who made a mixtape for MM because I couldn’t find an easy way to say I loved him.  I wish I was the Girl who smiled at text messages from my current crush.

I’m Not Anymore.

And I really don’t even know what that makes me? Who am I now? My Love of Love kind of defined me for a while.  I hate romantic comedies, because they are so unrealistic. I used to swear that Carrie Bradshaw was my Love Guru, she was an Idiot.  Big was an asshole! I used to read Trashy Romance Novels in one sitting, I don’t even buy them anymore. Maybe my heart’s been broken too many times, maybe I just need a break from love.  Fuck if I know.

I bask in other people’s relationships.  I’m happy for their love.  I’m not like a Love Hater. I see beautiful relationships all around me, and I’m so pleased for my friends.  I’m equally content with my current busy life/schedule. I’m just . . . . trying to figure myself out now.

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The Story of My Life . . . or Holy Shyt! I’m 32

*Editor’s Note: I started this blog in January.  Actually finished it, then never published it.  I know why now.*

Every year, I TRY to post a blog about what I’ve learned over that previous year.  With my Birthday being so close to the New Year, it’s usually just my yearly recap as well.  This time, I’m going to do it a little bit differently.  After another one of my “I haven’t gotten any sleep in the last 48 hours” Epiphanies, I realized that I can actually pinpoint the times my life took a direction I wasn’t expecting.  The first 17 years of my life aren’t going to be discussed here . . . mostly because I’m lazy.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

All Denim Outfit . . .No One Loved me.

The University of Dayton

No, we start with my first step into adulthood.  The moment I decided I was GROWN! I stood at the West Bloomfield post office, mailed that acceptance letter, and that was all she wrote! I was going to be the female Bill Gates, and change the world of computers.  *Mind you, I didn’t visit the school, didn’t know what it looked like, they just gave me the most money. So they won.* But I MUST admit, best decision I’ve ever made. The friends I made there, the people I met, the experiences I had . . . wouldn’t have had it any other way.  University of Dayton lead me to Zeta, and my Degree in Education (more on that later), my closest friends, love, hurt, fear, anger, and most importantly – Understanding of Myself.  On May 3, 2003, I graduated knowing EXACTLY who I wanted to be.

13 Years Ago . . .

14 Years Ago . . .

Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.

It SHOULD be common knowledge that Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. is the Greatest Sorority in the Nation.  But if you didn’t know, now you know, sucka! I joined ZPhiB because I wanted to be the kind of woman ZPhiB represented.  What I didn’t expect, could have never imagined, was the Family.  The Women I call Sister, not just Soror. The two women who grew up right beside me.  Who dealt with my Sophomore Year Depression, who dried my tears, and had numerous sleepovers with me.  The Women who taught me how to create a Programme, and put on a Dove Ball, and STEP.

Ryders of the Storm

Ryders of the Storm

Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc.

Even more unexpected (and judge this next statement if you want) The Men I Call Brother. R.O.T.S changed my life. Not just because LeRoy was the scariest dude I had ever met in my life, but because they PROTECTED us.  From Greek Life Bullshit, and everyday Bullshit.  They knew how Naive we were, and they shielded us from so much more than we ever knew.  The Blu Bond is so sacred to me, and is still very much prevalent in my life. What I’ve learned, and cherished the most in these 14 years, is that Family can come out of nowhere.  These 3 Men, will forever be referred to as my Brothers, not my Frat.

2nd Best Kitchen I've Ever Had

2nd Best Kitchen I’ve Ever Had

My First Apartment

Having my own place was so freeing! I FINALLY had my own space.  I didn’t have to fear my mom randomly knocking on my door. You mean I can have HOUSE PARTIES. Kait and I entered in that adventure with the best of intentions.  We were going to be the only Best Friends that moved in together and didn’t hate each other.  The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions… The loss of that Friendship shook me to my core.  Not because I had known her forever, or because it was unexpected. But I saw that for the first time Money and Friends should NEVER mix.  We weren’t fighting over anything emotional, it was about her breaking her lease. *To move in with the man she eventually married but still…* Add to that, I spent 3 months without a JOB! As my support system from age 13 to 24 was leaving me high and dry rent wise, I had no idea what I was going to do.  Moving home wasn’t an option. So I began to hustle.  I had 3 part time jobs, 2 that were under the table (gotta collect that unemployment), and I babysat whenever I could.  I learned then, I’ll never be unemployed.  Because the Hustle is STRONG within me. I worked my way out of that rut, got a porn star roommate – no really, she did Porn – and Lived It The Fcuk Up.

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

These Two Ladies Saved My Life . . .

The Triad

Words can’t even . . . The Triad is the Polyamorous Relationship everyone wish they had.  These two Women showed me what Friendship is supposed to be.  No Judgements, No Fear, No Regrets.  You live your life, you learn from the pain, and You Move On.  Diamond and Aaliyah were my anchors in the storm that was my early to mid 20’s. We Drank, (they) Smoked, and we Loved HARD. The nights/weekends/days we spent laying on someone’s floor crying and bitching about Men and Women! The Ex’s that we still talk to, the tradition of emailing each other all day, the Wearing White in public the day after Labor Day.

The children, and road-trips, and music that happened from 2005-2007. I don’t even talk to them every month. Doesn’t matter, the minute we are on the phone it’s like nothing has ever changed.  I’m my true self with them.  Not the woman I wanted to be post Graduation, but somehow better. Nothing seemed out of reach, everything was a great idea.  If later I found out it wasn’t, didn’t matter. We Laugh/Drink/Cry about, and Move The Fuck On.

To See a Mountain is to See God

To See a Mountain is to See God

Moving to AZ

And I did . . .right to Arizona.  With intentions of going back to school, and getting my teaching certification.  I was gonna fix my relationship with my Dad, so I could finally get rid of those Daddy Issues, and find love . . . Arizona started out as a peaceful place to me.   Instead of teaching children, I found a job teaching Teachers how to teach Children. I found my professional voice in AZ. In Michigan, I’m surrounded by family and friends who discount my knowledge of children because I don’t have any of my own. In Arizona, people assumed I was an expert. Took a little while to realize I actually kind of am. My love for children was confirmed there.  My life path was made certain.  Arizona was everything I didn’t know I wanted.

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, I thought I had also found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

 

The Mexican

me and eric

Loving you is the best thing that ever happened to me.  It’s also the worst.  You changed me, turned me into a person I didn’t even know I could be, or wanted to be.  The last thing you said to me, in anger, was “You are just a faint memory. I’ve almost forgotten you existed.”  Even with that much hate in your voice, I remembered when it was beautiful.  When the love I saw in your eyes made every day worth living.  If I never see your face, and never hear your voice again, I Loved You.   In a way I had only read about in romance novels and Donny Hathaway songs.  For everything losing you took away, it gave me twice as much.  So for that, I saw Thank You. For showing me who my true friends are, and because you helped me stop hiding behind my weight. You were Loved Sir.

When I think of Home

My Mommy and Me

My Mommy and Me

I left AZ because I was devastated and I couldn’t be there.  Up until the point, the House I Bought was the Reason He Wasn’t There. Everything about my house reminded me of a loss I still can’t began to describe.  Emotionally, I was a 17 year old girl who had lost her 1st Love. I needed my Mommy.  I’m okay with admitting that.  I needed a break from those last 18 months.  My Mother Saved Me. I’m just glad I was Woman enough to admit I needed to be Saved. What I didn’t know is that I had been in a Domestic Violence relationship, and I needed to understand and forgive myself for letting it happen in the first place.

The Job I got once I moved back to Michigan healed me. I took the job thinking it would be just another opportunity to help children.  I was part of a team that worked everyday to save lives.  We worded to heal people who have been hurt/violated by people they love. We educate women (and men) about Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.  My clients, these brave and frustrating women taught me so much about how Trauma follows you your whole life if you don’t address it. My job taught me Accountability.  Owning up to the choices I’ve made in my life and their impact on me and others. My co-workers brought back my happy. In the completely emotionally damaged world we work, I smiled more than I cried. I looked forward to seeing them, and hopefully they felt the same about me.  We are a Strange Group of People, those of us who choose to do Social work, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I have to take a second to shoutout TIITC.  Never shall he be named, but he helped me realize that not all men are assholes.  He found me beautiful at my ugliest, and he let me cry on his couch when my Nephew died.  I wouldn’t have made it without him.  Thanks TIITC, you are loved as well 🙂

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Finally, MJ has come BACK to 3013!

Which leads me back . . . to Arizona. Somewhere in the 4 years I lived there, it became Home.  I felt displaced in Michigan. I didn’t have my own space, I couldn’t live the life I wanted there.  I now crave warm weather, and mountains. I want two dogs in my backyard and Sundays at Mt. Lemmon.  I want Holiday dinners at 4 different houses with at least 3 different cultures represented.  I want to be called Aunt Marisa and ‘ARisa and Mz. Joy by children playing in my front yard. It’s time for me to stop licking healed wounds.  I’m finally stronger than that Pain. I leave you with an Eminem Lyric that perfectly illustrates my current mindset…

 But you won’t break me, You’ll just make me,

Stronger than I was, Before I met you

 I bet you I’ll be just fine without you

And if I stumble, I won’t crumble

I’ll get back up and I….

And I’mma still be humble, When I scream fuck you

Cause I’m stronger than I was – Marshall Mathers

 

…And I Still, Haven’t Found, What I’m Looking For…

I love that song.  It’s something I play when I am going through a White Girl Angst type moment.  The message is, I’m still searching.  Even after everything I have been through, I’m still looking for that one thing to make every thing make sense.  Today’s blog is inspired by a late night convo with a frat brother of mine, and his requirements for his next relationship.  

The word he kept repeating over and over was Friend. “I want someone who wants to be friends first, then we can move on to something else.”  This statement prompted several very probing questions on my end {Yes, I’m Nosy} and made me think about Relationship Expectations from a Male Point of View.

I’ve already talked about Lowered Expectations vs. Having Standards when it comes to women looking for their perfect mate.  I hope by now, anyone reading my blog understands I don’t believe the perfect relationship exists. You can BUILD the perfect relationship for the TWO people involved, but you almost never just fall into something perfect for you.  In accepting this, you are committing to work to create the Perfect Relationship for You. If that commitment isn’t honored the relationship usually falls apart.

Some of the reasons relationships fall apart over time are listed here, here, and here. {Please peruse at your leisure} However,  those aren’t the only reasons some relationships don’t work out.  It’s mainly lack of communication and/or insecurities.  This comes from both sides.  Most times, women have a VERY specific and detailed idea of what they want in a significant other, & they aren’t afraid to tell anyone who will listen . . . except their partner.  On the other hand, men have absolutely no idea what they want, until they have to sit down and figure it out.

I’ve found that most of my male friends aren’t vocal about what they want, what bothers them, what turns them on, their pet peeves . . . things that most women would benefit from knowing at the start of a relationship.  Insecurities will cause people to be silent in their relationship because they don’t want to say the wrong thing, or ask for the wrong thing, or make it seem like they are complaining.

So it’s time to call out the men, who know what they want . .. but don’t tell us.

First Up: What Defines a Friend

According to Merriam-Websters Dictionary, a friend is:

friend

: a person who you like and enjoy being with

: a person who helps or supports someone or something (such as a cause or charity)

How do you feel about that definition men? This could be the beginning of a good relationship.  Someone supportive and you enjoy being with.  Quite simple, but then you stick your wiener in them, and everything’s different.  That’s when the questions happen, at least on her part. Things come up in conversation like, ” How far does this friendship go? or “Are we still friends if we’re sleeping with each other? or “Are we still just friends if I know your whole family?” or ” Are we still just friends if we indulge in PDA on a regular basis?”

Sex complicates things.  It always has, it always will.  If you are looking for a friend, why do you complain about being friend-zoned by a girl you like?  Instead of taking it as a bad thing, why isn’t it looked at as a way to slow it down and take baby steps into something different? *At this point, it might be a good time to say this is a Blog for the Grown and Sexy.  This isn’t being written for people 25 and younger.  You still have some Heauxin’ to do.  You go and get your Heaux on, and come back in a few years.  This will all make sense to you then.*

Once you have established this friendship, and basked in it for some length of time that probably makes no sense to her, at what point does the friendship turn into a relationship? Women thrive on the definitive.  We need to know when, what, who, where, and why.  Being vague about the timeline is stressful for some of us.  If it’s not defined, it doesn’t exist.  

It’s not because we want to trap you into something.  In most cases, it’s because we want to behave accordingly.  This is where communication and/or insecurity come into play.  The woman who has to ask a man what they are, will forever question the solidity of her relationship.  Doesn’t matter how much you try to reassure her, that first doubt will always there underneath her skin.  

The Friendship ——–> Relationship Continuum

Introduction —->Basic Knowledge —-> Shared Interests —-> {Possible Group Outing} —-> Frequent Communication —-> Private Outing —-> Daily Communication —-> Dating —-> Declaration or Request of Monogamy —-> Declaration of Commitment —> Relationship.

If at any point during the completion of this continuum, you feel as though this person isn’t going to meet your needs, STOP TALKING TO THEM. It’s not fair to you or her to continue down this path, and one of you knows it’s not going to be forever.  A large number of Bitter Women are bitter because this happened to them.  They started planning for forever, and you (the Man) had already decided this was just going to be for right now. . .without letting them know something wasn’t quite right.  It’s just unfair guys, stop it.

Also, the current prevalence of Social Media brings even more questions a woman will have for you, on officially establishing/announcing your relationship to the world. These questions include (but are not limited to) “Are we still just friends if we post pictures of things that we have done together?” and “Are we still just friends if we subtweet each other every night?” and “Are we still friends if your friends have tagged me in pictures they took of us together?” Social Media is just like Sex, it complicates everything

So What Are You Looking For?

Let’s look at the TYPES of women,  men seem to be looking for {in my experience}.  I  created a very satirical version of this, but some of it was based in truth.  From what I have observed, there are 4 types of women that men seem to be looking for these days.

1) Professional/Educated Woman

Pros: This is the kind of woman who has a Career, not a job.  It doesn’t really matter who she works for, it’s more the fact that she works.  She isn’t depending on anyone to support her and/or her children. This woman usually has a higher education, and maybe even an advanced degree. She is book smart and able to hold a conversation with a group of mixed background without a struggle.

Cons: She is career-oriented.  She has a goal, and has already created her plan in which to acheive it.  Your entrance in her life is a surprise, and not something she was looking for.  This could mean your relationship is more than likely to come second.  Also, if she does have children, then your relationship is going to come in 3rd Place.

There are many men who can’t handle being in 3rd Place.  And if that’s a problem for them, they should vocalize it.  Not liking your standing in a woman’s life breeds resentment and bitterness.  This could lead to cheating in some shape or form.

2) Classy/Twitter/Instagram Heaux

Pros: She is gorgeous. She fits all the Black Twitter Criteria for #WouldYouPullOutOrNah. The proportions are exact, and her hair is always done.  She is the epitome of FAHN.  She has all the right outfits, and knows all the right people.  She has 3,000 plus followers who validate her beauty everyday.  Every person you know wants her, and those who don’t want her are just jealous.  Plus, she will make beautiful babies for you one day.

Cons: She has never had to work hard a day in her life.  She is used to being catered to.  She gets off on attention.  Usually, she is bringing nothing to the table that will enhance the relationship.  In fact, it’s probably not a relationship.  It’s more of a dalliance into her world, and have to be okay with that.

At some point, you won’t be able to provide the level of attention she needs (in any way/shape/form), and the interaction will fade.

3) Mother Material

Pros: She is quite sensible.  She was raised the right way.  She wants to bring forth life on this earth, and nurture the next generation of children who will change the world.  She is soft in nature, and makes choices that show you she is looking into the future.  She understands what’s important in life, and wants to impart that  wisdom to her seed.

Cons: Sexually, she might become conservative.  Once she has a child, she might look at herself as someone’s  mother, not your lover.  She might become more old-fashioned in her views.  Her main focus will be the children, and their activities/well-being. Her concerns are now fitting into a specific peer group, and the latest PTA Potluck.  The sexual side of her may diminish over time.

A lot of this depends on what HER definition of what a mother is, and should look like.  These potential issues could all be avoided through communication.  Before you impregnate her, make sure she is the kind of mother you want for your child. Ask questions, until you get the answers you are looking for.

4) Homie/Lover/Friend

A Homie-lover-friend, is what I’m looking for
She can relate to my sex drive,
Cuffing her booty while we dance, and she don’t mind.

She’s got everything, that a man could ever want and more,
And her sexy gangsta way, she’s got me all up in a day
Homie-Lover-Friend is what I need for always.

Pros: She’s down to earth.  You can talk about anything without feeling awkward.  She understands what you need/want/desire almost before you know you need it.  She’s probably freakier than you, and isn’t afraid to share that side of herself with you, when the time is right.  She knows exactly what needs to happen to make the relationship work.  She’s an ‘Around The Way Girl,’ the Girl Next Door, your Play-Cousin from up the street.

Cons: Because she is so down to earth, you have never really looked at her THAT way.  You fell like you know way too much about her, and the choices she’s made in her life.  IT would kind of be like dating your sister.

It’s my opinion that underneath every relationship that has weathered various storms, the friendship has been a lasting one.  When you’re mad about the toilet seat being left up, or they ate the last piece of bacon, you don’t stay mad for long. This is also the person who see’s a pineapple and laughs because it’s just a weird ass fruit. This is the person who knows all your secrets, and can still look you in the eye at the end of the day.

Which One do You Want? Better yet, which one do you need? Or even, Which one do you have in your life right now? If you can’t be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for, how can she trust you when you say you are ready for a relationship? Are you even ready for a lasting friendship?

I Just Ask the Questions . . . it’s up to you to know the answers. As Always, Thanks for Reading! Comments/Thoughts/Answers Welcomed.