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Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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2 Day Free Write: I miss the Old Kanye

After I cried for an hour at work, I started making a plan. . . .

This is a Free Write, I’m just jotting down thoughts, because the Woman I realized is my mentor, told me to.¬† And sometimes I obey commands . . . but only sometimes.

  1. My best friend lost her mom at the end of last year.¬† She had to see her mother become this thing she wasn’t ready for.¬† She had to see her mother in pain and hurting, because cancer was ravaging her body.¬† At about the same time, my mother was going through Chemo for Cancer.¬† And I was in Arizona.¬† 2096 miles away from her.¬† I have the greatest Best Friends, and my OTHER Best Friend stepped up and kept my mom together.¬† She drove her to appointments, helped run errands, basically everything.¬† I don’t know what I would be, without her.¬† I’m so grateful for what she’s done for my mother.¬† But it’s getting to me today.¬† Being away from her, is getting to me.¬† I’ve been in Arizona for 9 years, and this is the 2nd time I’m seriously considering leaving.¬† Because THAT’S MY MOTHER. And when I was sick, she dropped everything and came here for me.¬† I should have done the same for her.¬† I know all the practical reasons why I didn’t, but I should have.¬† I think, I feel guilty that I didn’t come home.¬† I know most of my family judges me because of it.¬† I had already assumed it, but it was confirmed over the holidays.¬† I just . . . hate having to acknowledge that my mother is going to die.¬† I can’t even IMAGINE my life without her in it.¬† I’ve been her life, since I was born.¬† I have so many hopes and dreams for my mother.¬† I want her to live a carefree life, at least 5 years.¬† So i can see my mother without the struggle.¬† Cuz it’s been a struggle much more often than it’s not.¬† My mother DESERVES better life.¬† I want to give that to her.¬† Because i couldn’t thank her enough for everything she’s done for me.¬† IF i wrote it a million times a day, it wouldn’t be enough. I’m almost at the point where I want to beg God, Please Please Please let me have this option.¬† And that’s selfish.¬† I understand that.¬† Everything has a reason, everything happens for a reason.¬† But Please Please Please God, help me help my mom to live her best life.¬† Please.
  2. I think I’ve met the person who is going to be my male companion for the rest of my life. Or rather, one of them.¬† That’s weird.¬† But he’s . . . . stable. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.¬† Because . . . . NO.
  3. Drugs are amazing.¬† LEGAL Drugs are amazing.¬† They make life easier to handle.¬† Everything in moderation tho.¬† I’m low-key worried about my . . . dependence on sleep helpers.¬† Like, am I going to live the rest of my life unable to sleep without some type of medicinal help?
  4. BIG K.R.I.T. is Life.¬† If you don’t know . . . now you do.
  5. Have this innate fear of talking about my personal life on this blog and/or social media now.¬† I feel like there were, in the past, people I thought were friends who saw me happy and wished unhappiness on me.¬† I know this may slightly appear to be irrational, but it is what the FUCK it is.¬† I’ve felt like there was someone in my life, who pretended to be my friend, but hated me.¬† I think they had access to my personal life, and details about it, then very specifically plotted against me.¬† And because I was just walking around clueless, I didn’t protect myself like I should have.¬† I didn’t know I needed to pray about people trying to cause me harm.
  6. I miss #TheHim. I miss how he felt, and smelled, and looked at me.¬† I know I shouldn’t, and my pride won’t let me contact him.¬† But I miss him sofa king much lately.
  7. I’ve self diagnosed myself as being Bi-Polar with symptoms of Hypomania. This is because of an article I read on Facebook. I’m probably right about this.¬† Google it, and see if it doesn’t describe me almost perfectly.
  8. I just saw the FINEST black man at the Club House Gym.¬† Guess who’s going to start working out here. New stalkee’s always bring me joy.
  9. I’m not a stalker . . . . anymore.¬† I miss that side of me.
  10. IRRRRRRRRRRRNADIMM. INAOTNE. IAEAVFT, ATHTTAFMBASPHHEAUX . . . . I’ll never forgive that bitch.
  11. I miss college, or rather the music of college.  If I had known that I would regret not making up diss trolls to every song that plays these days, I would have probably been in better shape back then.
  12. People keep calling me skinny.¬† It’s annoying. (This is in response to my recent weight loss.¬† I’m smaller, but I ain’t nowhere NEAR skinny and never will be.)
  13. This took me 2 days to write, cuz I got distracted by a guy at Starbucks.  I mean, he was there to see me . . . so there is that.
  14. Edibles are AMAZING.  Anyone who tells you different is a Lying Ass Liar.
  15. Thanx for reading!

 

Pigment . . . or Nigga What?!?!

To whom it may concern:

You broke my heart.  Not on some “We in love” type shit, I wasn’t dreaming about forever. But we had SUCH a good thing going.  And yet . . . at the end of the day, it wasn’t what I thought.  My brothers tried to tell me, but like a dummy I didn’t listen.  Because I knew better . . . I was doing this the right way, and my feelings weren’t involved. Or so I thought . . . because after all this time, I’m still hurt.

Maybe I’m the one to blame
That’s just how the game goes
Just want someone to hold
Everybody needs somebody to be there when they’re alone
I just want you to save me (yea)
Just want you to save me . . .

I’d made my mind up, we were going to make this whole thing work for years. Maybe I got arrogant, I thought we were on the same level. Underneath it all, I thought we respected each other enough to be honest, at all time.  I never lied to you. Not once, I was always upfront.  When I was wrong, I told you. When you were wrong, I checked you. I thought that made us friends.

I’ve known most of my life that I’m a loyal person.  If I consider you a friend, then that’s just it.  We are Ride or Die.  I have your back, and you have mine. I would never do something to harm you, and I thought it was vice versa. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt. Because you accused me to something I would NEVER have done.

He said you’re my everything
I love you through everything, I done did everything to him
He forgave me for everything, this a forever thing
Hate that I treat it like it’s a whatever thing
Trust me, boy, this shit is everything to me

Okay, so maybe I lied once.  I told you it was just . . . fun.  It meant something. On multiple levels.  The right people knew what it meant, except you.  Either way, you mattered . . . and always have.  You know THAT, I Know you know that. But at the end of it all . . . the ugly ass way it ended . . . I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have time to get myself ready.  Because it didn’t end the way I wanted to end. I just wasn’t ready for it.

The things that I would do to you with just a couple seconds
I would color every moment, make you feel like it’s forever
I’m comin’ over, so you can start undressin’
I’m givin’ you a chance to finally make a good impression

When I first heard the version of this song on Volume 1, I was PISSED it was only 90 secs.  I thought it held so much potential.  I wanted to send this song to you.  It was the perfect statement was what I wanted us to be. “Get Ready . . . a Bitch has plans.” That’s what the text would have said.  I needed you to know my mindset.  But alas . . . . The Road to Hell is Paved with “Good Intentions.”  This was supposed to be the next level shit we had talked about. But it all fell apart.

You only show me love
When it comes to the music
It’s like when I feel lonely
That’s when you start actin’ choosey
I don’t wanna keep playin’ them games
‘Cause I feel like I’m losin’

So I’m done. I needed to be anyway. But I’m done. Because it’s probably the better decision, at least for me.  But I miss the security that existed because you were in my life. I miss having the knowledge that there was someone out there that thought of me and smiled.  Or maybe you didn’t, and I’m making that up. It makes it easier to lie to myself.

He has you lost in your emotions
And you hate feeling so alone
And now your simpin’ because you know
You shouldn’t have stayed until the morning
It wasn’t worth all the heartache
It wasn’t worth all of the pleasure
Because you were once a diamond
He made you feel like buried treasure

You broke my heart. And I’m judging myself because of that.  Because I KNEW better. I’ve been down that road, and knew how it ended.  But I still . . . quite stupidly . . . had hope that we could be friends at the end of it all. But, friends don’t do that to each other. Friends don’t say shit like, “I mean I hear what you are saying . . . but I don’t believe you.” I’m sitting here, dealing with it.  Because I have to, even if I don’t want to.  But it hurts. Alot.

I’m still lost holding in all of the anger
At the bottom of the ocean and I thought you’d be my savior.
I was distracted, unaware of his behavior
But when I started drowning, I didn’t know he was the anchor.

White Picket Dreams or TAMC Part 2a

I’m sitting here looking at this old canvas
And the picture looks so different from you
Yes it does, yes it does
Maybe it’s time to go back to the drawing board
Cause it’s likely that the man I drew is fictional

Here’s the thing . . . I haven’t listened to this album in a while. ¬†I can’t tell you why, I just haven’t. ¬†But thanks to my Spotify Discover Weekly, this song popped up, and Solange changed my life again. ¬†Cuz I’ve been painting over the same canvas for years. ¬†That image of the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect relationship. ¬†I continue to try to make people (men and women) I meet fit on one of the canvases I created in college, that was supposed to represent what my life should be. ¬†Even while knowing the canvas is bullshit. ¬†Because it is.

For five long years
I thought you were my man
But I found out
I’m just a link in your chain

It took me 10 years to get over my first love (TBTLINY). Through mostly no fault of his own, I was just holding on to the hope that we could make it work. ¬†Because the connection was so deep, and the love was so strong. It just HAD to work. But in real life, he was just meant to be my friend (I think). {I might still be holding out hope that he will come to his senses, so sue me. ¬†You don’t know my life.} But he’s been the prototype, for everyone that has come afterward. ¬†They have to make me feel like I did when I first heard his voice, I have to want to be with them like I wanted to be with TBTLINY. The connection had to be that strong. Repainting on the same canvas.

If I could… could forget him,¬†I would… please believe me
And I know that I should throw the towel in
But baby it’s not… not that easy
You treat me so much better than him,¬†And if I was sane there’d be no competition

But… but I’m in love with someone else (ooh)
And I’m so sorry hey hey
I’m in love with another man
And I know it ain’t right

Instead of trying to heal, you tried to move on. ¬†Even though you weren’t ready. ¬†You might have even found a good guy/girl. ¬†But you were still staring at that old canvas. ¬†Longing for the life you had created in your head and your heart. ¬†It’s so hard to let go of the image, once it’s been solidified in your mind. ¬†That painting is stuck to the walls, and it’s not coming down until it wants to.

I used to cry myself to sleep at night
But that was all before he came
I thought love had to hurt to turn out right
But now he’s here
It’s not the same, it’s not the same

So then you meet this new person, and they can do all the things. ¬†They make you smile all day, and you feel all the feelings, and they fit the mold. ¬†Finally, you can take that portrait off the wall, and start making a new one. ¬†But instead of starting over, you use the outline of the last painting to create this one.At first, it works perfectly. ¬†Slowly but surely, it’s the little things that don’t quite fit. ¬†The painting starts to go outside the lines. They don’t quite seem so perfect, you start to see the flaws, the colors start changing, lines get blurred. ¬†Once again, the picture in your head was wrong.

Some of you know what it feels like
Caught up just in his life
Don’t wanna try again, thinking what’s the difference?
Why am I not interested?
Cause when you’ve been broken, you feel like no one can fix it

I’ve decided to stop painting. ¬†I just . . . Quit. And I’m okay with that. Clearly, me trying to control every bit of this isn’t working. So I’m done now. ¬†I just needed to say that. ¬†Cuz yeah. ¬†That’s the conclusion I reached yesterday. Just stop trying, cuz Adulting is hard enough without trying to be a master painter.

My need to control every little part of my life is driving me crazy. ¬†I can say that now, probably because when this blog is published, not that many people will read it. ¬†I wrote this a few months ago, but then I didn’t publish it. ¬†At the time, it was because I couldn’t get the Spotify links to work right . . . But you know, everything in time. ¬†So I’ll post it now, and let this be another part of Confession #2.

 

 

 

30 Day Writing Challenge: Things I Hate About You

{Full Disclosure. ¬†I wrote this blog during a 3 hour flight to a conference for work. ¬†It was 48 hours after Hello had been released, but BEFORE I talked to my ex. So this is rather emo. ¬†It’s also kind of cheating, because this day’s challenge was supposed to be just 3 songs. ¬†But Yeah, That.}

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10. Hello – Adele

I Hate that I’m thinking about you again. I Hate that hearing this song has put all these emotions back in my mindspace. I Hate that this song stirred up old resentments and anger about life Post-You. I Hate that everyone else gets to talk to you, and see you, and I don’t. I Hate how selfish it sounds to say, “You were my friend FIRST!” And I Hate that I will forever feel that way.

9. Lay Me Down

I Hate that British White People seem to be the only singers to properly convey my pain about you. I Hate that THIS song made me cry the first time I heard it. I Hate that the only person I could explain my reaction to has the option to talk to you whenever she wants to. I hate that I can’t TALK about you to anyone. I Hate¬† that explaining this 5 year clusterfuck takes a book, not a text. I Hate that I miss the Smell of you in the morning. I Hate that I can’t remember your face, but I remember what your chest feels like. I Hate that you didn’t trust my love for you enough to read the fucking letter I wrote you. I HATE that the only time I feel real emotion is when I’m thinking about or talking about you.

8. Farewell – Rihanna

I Hate that you got out of the service. I Hate that we talked about your life after you left, and I’m not there to see it. I Hate that I say goodbye to you on an almost daily basis. I Hate that I still remember the first time I heard this song, and crying on the couch because I thought you were going to be deployed. I Hate that singing this song out loud still makes me cry. I hate that you could hear this song, and not one fuck would be given about me. I Hate that not having you in my life made me give up on love. I Hate that I came to the realization that I was never in love with BTB. I Hate the fact that I’ll never be in love again.

7. Stone Cold – Demi Lovato

I Hate that the first time I heard this song, I thought of you. I Hate that this song didn’t come out in 2012. Because I would have stood outside your house and sang it. I Hate that the words, “If Happy is Her, I’m happy for you.” Apply to my best friend. I Hate that you made me Hate my Best Friend for a brief period of time. I Hate you for ruining the context of perfectly good songs. I Hate that I don’t like Demi’s version, because she’s singing it like I feel about you. It’s ugly, and I Hate that my feelings for you are still so ugly.

6. Far Away – Marsha Ambrosius

I Hate that I don’t listen to this album ever. Because it reminds me of when we fell apart. I Hate that this song is about suicide, and missing you made me contemplate it on more occasions than I’m comfortable with admitting. I Hate that you are so far away, but you live within driving distance. I Hate that I can’t even DRIVE on Ajo for fear of seeing you. I Hate that she was the one to tell me you were in Seattle, and now I’m afraid I’ll bump into you at the airport. I Hate that not even traveling is free of you. I Hate that every time I go to the grocery store, half of me is afraid to see you, and the other half hopes I do.¬† I just HATE YOU. And I Hate that Hating you is the only way I can tell myself to stop loving you. I have to remember all the shitty fucked up things you did to me, so I don’t remember the way you made me feel. I Hate that the only time I’ve felt happy, was when I was with you. I know I’ve been content most¬† times, but Happiness is rare. I Hate that because of you I know the difference between Happy and Content.

5. Over You – Miranda Lambert

I Hate the Country music makes me think of you. I Hate that I still have a Whiskey Lullabye Pandora Station. I Hate that Country music is the 2nd best genre for emo shit. “But you went away, how dare you! I miss You!” What the fuck dude. I HATE that song lyrics seriously only matter when it pertains to you. I Hate that you stole the music from me. I Hate that I was longing for the meaning, and now I wish it would go away. God, I Hate You.

4. Maybe, Tomorrow – Jackson 5

I Hate that knowing you didn’t read the letter gave me hope. I Hate that hope still exists in my life. I Hate that even though hope popped up, right behind it was self-doubt and my propensity for bashing myself in your eyes. “Maybe Tomorrow, you’ll change you mind” Fuck You Hope. Fuck you very much.

3. Whenever You’re Around

I Hate that I’m currently on an airplane and can’t sing this entire song on your voicemail. I Hate that you even ruin Jill Scott songs. I Hate that 48 hours from now, I’ll go back to being numb again, and I won’t even have these feelings anymore. I Hate that numb is safe. I Hate that we aren’t building our tutoring business, and making ridiculous amounts of money while helping the children of Tucson. I Hate that at the end I was lonely around you. I Hate that you shut me out, even before I moved. I Hate that even though my house is becoming a home (finally) it’s still my 2nd choice. I Hate that She thinks we should have made up by now, but it’s not even on your radar. I Hate that I told her never to try to make it happen, because I would hate her for it. I Hate that she actually listened to me.

2. Exit Wounds – Luke James

I wondered if you ever loved me
Cuz if you did, why be so cold
I hope you know . . .

This ain’t a heart it’s just an exit wound
That just won’t close.
My brain in scarred each time I let you through, You left a hole
Stole my smile and all i’ve got left of you,
Is these Exit Wounds . . .

1. The Worst is Over – Laura Izabor

I Hate that I dont think this is true. I Hate how much this song should minister to me, because it’s how I felt after the second time you left. I Hate that even hoping things had ended differently is like admitting it was going to end anyway. It was never going to last, was it? I Hate that you will never read this, see this, or answer any of these questions. I Hate that I still have these many thoughts about you!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Your Current Relationship

So this might cause a few phone calls . . . But you know. In for a penny and all that . . .

My Ideal Relationship: Emo, Sex, and a Lil Bit of Both

Emo:
image

I need an emotional connection with someone.¬† I need to have someone in my life that I can trust with my deepest, darkest, fears and dreams.¬† I’ve only had that with two people, TBTLNY and MM.¬† Because I didn’t know how powerful a true emotional connection¬† was, I confused those feelings with being In Love with them. I thought all those feelings were supposed to lead to marriage and babies and forever. ¬†I wasn’t sexually attracted to either of them.¬† Not because they weren’t unattractive, because both of them are beautiful actually.¬† You saw TBTLNY in my “First Love” blog.¬† I won’t post one of MM . . .because feelings. Anyway, it wasn’t strange to me that I didn’t want to have sex with them, I figured hey, maybe we will get there in time.

But we never did, and I really didn’t care about that we didn’t. I was completely with the intimacy we had. It wasn’t until recently that I started questioning why that was.¬† The only two people I’ve considered myself “In Love” with were not sexual partners. It’s because I don’t think emotions and sex should or can be combined.¬† I’ve never felt a pure emotional connection during sex. This probably mean’s i’ve been doing it wrong.¬† And that’s okay. But I think I want to keep them separate, for now any way.

Sex:
image

I need a sex partner.¬† Someone who understands – and doesn’t judge me for – my sexual needs.¬† I need someone who makes me want to lick my lips when I think about them, or grin at inappropriate text messages, or send naughty pictures.¬† Sex is a release of sorts for me, always has been.¬† A way to deal with the stress in my life at the time, or just to get rid of pent up energy.¬† This fabled sexual partner, doesn’t just have to be one person.¬† I’d prefer a roster.¬† Like 3 people with different skill level or set.

I want a Giver of Monster Head that actually lives in the same state I’m in. Maybe I can find a Big Daddy Long Stroke to keep me on my toes.¬† I need someone that’s always down for a good full body massge. I also need for Emo and Sex to get along with each other.¬† It sounds Poly-Amorus . . . Which is like a really white word for “I want my cake and wanna eat it too.¬† And I want it to be Calorie free, and good for me.¬† Also i want a very specific buttercream icing.” And that’s fine too.

Lil Bit of Both
image

I also want a girlfriend.¬† A nice brown-skinned Soft Stud.¬† With curly hair, or a short hair cut, or maybe dreads.¬† Who presents as masculine, likes to wear bowties, and is #ExtremelyWoke.¬† Maybe her major in college was African American Studies, or the African Disporia.¬† She goes to poetry readings, and coffee houses in her free time.¬† But she is rarely free, becaue she spends most of her time attending protests, sometimes leading them.¬† My girlfriend will be my little bit of both.¬† She will get along with Emo, be friends with Sex, and complete me.¬† Filling that space the other two can’t.

Is that too much to ask? How come we have to find everything we want in just one person? Why can’t we pick and choose what we want/need/desire and not hold every person to the various standards we have.¬† Your needs change, you grow with each life experience.¬† So what worked in 2011, might not be what you need for 2015.¬† I’m really tired of setting myself up for failure, because I keep wanting my life to look like what i’ve been told it should.

I am the Master of My Fate, I am the Owner of My Destiny.

And my Fate/Destiny may just happen to be, Two Boys and a Girl. 

The Possibility of Us . . .

In my 20’s, I used to make playlists for everything. ¬†Even before the Great Spotify, I needed a soundtrack for whatever my life was at that moment. ¬†They all had super emo names, like “The Living Struggle,” ¬†or “Why do I still Love Him?” etc. It was my way of singing out my problems. ¬†It was a good catharsis for me. ¬†I could instantly go to the song I needed to hear, sing and cry on my porch or balcony, write 7 blogs, send 3 or 4 passive-aggressive emails or texts, and I could move on with life.

In my 30’s, the loss of music has let me know I’m going through something. ¬†When I would rather listen to NPR in car, or Old Podcasts I’ve listened to 1000 times, I know I’m due to have some sort of emotional breakdown. ¬†Living with Depression has taught me everything isn’t sadness. ¬†It isn’t “OMG my life falling apart,” it’s instead I have something I need to. ¬†I have to find the music again. ¬†Find the song, or the playlist, or the lyric that is going to express EXACTLY where I am. ¬†I’ve gotten to the point where I am too busy with everyday life to wallow in my emotions.

That’s probably a good thing, especially for my friends who have been with me through my adult life so far. Because I KNOW they were tired of all the emo ass texts, and phone calls crying over the same person, or the same situation, or some conversation over and over again. ¬†I’m trying to be a better friend. ¬†My last relationship ended just as it began, with little to no fanfare. ¬†No one knew it was over, it just was. That’s the adult way to do it, right?¬†However, tonight, while driving home from my last tutoring session, a random Spotify Playlist lead me all up in my feelings.

I Present to you: Selections from The Possibility of Us.

Poision & Wine – The Civil Wars

I miss MM. ¬†I’ve accepted the fact I miss the intimacy we had. ¬†I can acknowledge that it was unhealthy to a great extent, but also wish I was that naive again. ¬†I trusted every word that came out of his mouth. ¬†I gave every single part of me, gladly, and without Fear. ¬†I’m so cynical and untrusting these days. ¬†I cut people off when I feel they are about to hit me with a bullshit excuse. ¬†I don’t have faith in anyone except my inner circle. ¬†I expect people to lie, and be unfaithful, and bad. ¬†I long for the girl I was when I fell in love with MM.

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Stay – Sugarland

I’ll never be a Side Chick again. It’s not because of something stupid, like morals or whatever. It’s because I’m over the bullshit. ¬†The conversations that used to woo me into that position no longer hold the same weight. ¬†I don’t need you to tell me, “I can’t talk to my wife/girlfriend/lover the way I can talk to you,” in order to feel special. ¬†I don’t need the ego stroke anymore. ¬†Maybe i’ve grown up, or maybe it’s that cynicism. ¬†I’ve come to realize, every Man/Woman has a choice. ¬†You can control yourself. ¬†You can get a divorce. You can break up with your partner. Just like you choose to not be honest with your significant other, I can choose to tell you that you are full of shit, and need to put on your big boy boxers and handle your business. ¬†You aren’t staying for the kids, you are staying for you. ¬†Until you are important enough to you, get the fcuk outta here.

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One Day You Will – Deborah Cox

I’m still looking for the connection I had with TBTLNY. ¬†No one has ever given me that same feeling, which means everyone eventually disappoints me. ¬†{This is probably means I’m continually setting myself up for failure, but you know, whatevs} Which is kind of stupid, since clearly I’m not with him right now. It was a teenage love, but it was STRONG. I would have climbed mountains, and swam oceans, and ran marathons to keep that love in my life. ¬†That feeling, it’s a high I’ve been seeking out since I got the first taste. My life’s addiction is that high. ¬†I can admit that to myself, and even understand how unhealthy that is. ¬†Craving an emotional connection with someone is just as harmful as a drug addiction, because it could lead to putting yourself in dangerous situations.

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I Won’t Give Up (Demo Version) – Jason Mraz

I wish I believed in Love like this again. ¬†Even if I go out searching for it, I don’t believe I will actually find it. ¬†Which is kind of sad right? But it’s the truth. ¬†To be able to say to someone, “I’m not going to quit. ¬†I’m going to love you enough, to work on this. ¬†To grow with you, no away from you.” It requires a certain level of vulnerability and openness, and a trust that I don’t have. And I WISH I had it. ¬†I wish I was that Girl who sat on the phone talking to TBTLYN for 12 hours. ¬†I wish was the Girl who made a mixtape for MM because I couldn’t find an easy way to say I loved him. ¬†I wish I was the Girl who smiled at text messages from my current crush.

I’m Not Anymore.

And I really don’t even know what that makes me? Who am I now? My Love of Love kind of defined me for a while. ¬†I hate romantic comedies, because they are so unrealistic. I used to swear that Carrie Bradshaw was my Love Guru, she was an Idiot. ¬†Big was an asshole! I used to read Trashy Romance Novels in one sitting, I don’t even buy them anymore. Maybe my heart’s been broken too many times, maybe I just need a break from love. ¬†Fuck if I know.

I bask in other people’s relationships. ¬†I’m happy for their love. ¬†I’m not like a Love Hater. I see beautiful relationships all around me, and I’m so pleased for my friends. ¬†I’m equally content with my current busy life/schedule. I’m just . . . . trying to figure myself out now.

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