(This Blog’s Soundtrack is located below)
I remember this episode so clearly, and how it made me feel. I knew that feeling, begging some dude to pay attention to me. To be in public, what he said you were to him in private. To acknowledge my existence in some real way, instead of just via text or phone call or inside a hotel room. Meredith was basically saying . . . ‘I’M RIGHT HERE, THE FUCK????‘ It felt like every conversation I’ve ever had with men I was genuinely interested in.
Things have already started happening to me that are brand the fuck new. Random dudes asking for my number, people actually acknowledging my existence instead of ignoring me. It’s a heady experience, being seen for the 1st time in a long time. I’m still trying to rap my head around it, and how to properly react to it. Personal trainers at the gym commenting on my progress, people I haven’t seen in years hitting me up to hang out. Lil’ Ole’ Me.
I’ve started talking to people I’ve always wanted to talk to. Just shooting my shot all in folks DM’s. Racking up numbers and Peen Pics. Reopened my OKCupid account, and updated the pictures with my new slimmer face and body. Walking with the switch in my hips my brother told me NO ONE is ready for. Put out some feelers to some old Beauxs, and lined up my #Summer2018Heauxtation.
JUST as I was already feeling myself, enter the Man of 16 Y/O MJ’s DREAMS, LightBright.
I’m not bragging, I’m just setting a scene. All 16 year old MJ wanted was a light skinned boy to like her (This is a whole nother blog. Save your comments for that one.) I just wanted somebody cute to hold my hand in public, and make other people jealous. Yes I USED TO BE petty . . . SO.
Below is 16 Y/O MJ’s Boyfriend Wishlist:
- Taller than me
- Have Light eyes, and
- Have a cool car.
Don’t this negro fit all my shallow ass criteria to a got damn T. Where the hell did HE come from, and how long is he staying? Because YES PLEASE. For some reason, this fine ass man asked me for my number, then actually called!!!!!! HE SAW ME, and wants to keep doing it. What is my Detroit Life?!?!?
LightBright makes me feel a way when I see him. I giggle. Anyone who knows me, knows this makes no sense, because I don’t do that lame shit. Stupid girly shit … that ain’t me. But it is when LB is around. Just . . . hands in front of my face, stop looking at me type shit. I would be ashamed, but that shit is FUN.
Simultaneously, ENTER THAT nigga.
The great thing about THAT nigga, I can be myself. I don’t have to dumb shit down. I can be me, and 85% of the time, it’s just fine. 10% of the time, I’m in my feelings and/or horny so I say and feel dumb shit. That last 5% . . that’s when we are both too intoxicated to function and the entire conversation is just us laughing at each other.
WHY DON’T I DESERVE THIS?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!???
Why can’t I have this be my everyday?!?!?!
Why do I get to find these fucking people who make me want to spend every fucking second of my life with them? Then they are like . . . “I mean, U cool and whatever . . . but you ain’t good enough for me. Maybe some other nigga, just not me.
Some Facts that should be now stated:
- The most important thing I need to remind myself, is THAT nigga came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect him to be who he is. I didn’t expect him to be able to hold a fucking conversation. Let alone, turn me on, or know all my kink without me telling him. Shit like that . . . knowing my private shames without me telling you. I feel like there HAS TO BE a reason we connected.
- LB is younger than me. He’s not supposed to be anything other than what he is . . . I’m fine with that for right now.
- A bitch is . . maybe was . . . all up in her feelings for THAT nigga. I really can’t even be mad, because he told me what he was doing, did it, and then reminded me he did it. It’s my own damn fault for thinking I was different
- I like giving men power in most relationships, it’s prolly the submissive in me. Then I met THAT nigga. And he was like, “Thanx Simple Bitch, Imma use this to fuck you all the way up. You’re Welcome!”
Who did I call to cry about it???
#Him . . . the one THAT nigga was supposed to help me replace.
Because #Him is the Prototype, and has probably always been. I’d murder someone for #Him, like plead guilty and er’thing. Spend the rest of my life in jail, knowing that he is with his family and safe and happy. That’s the reason I know it might actually be some real shit. . .cuz I can MAYBE count 8 other people in my life I would do that for, and he’s attached to 4 of them.
Talking to #Him is like being held . . then choked while being dicked down . . . then held again.
Talking to LB is like being caressed . . . then dicked down . . . then caressed again.
Talking to THAT nigga is like being part of a whole . . . then ripped apart . . . then held . . . then choked within an inch of my life . . . then caressed . . . then dicked down. . . then patched back together with some of the pieces missing . . . then told its my fault for losing the pieces.
So the real question is . . . How long is it going to take me to get out of my feelings for THAT nigga. Because it’s not even worth being mad at him. Like not at ALL.
I feel unstable right now. Spotify isn’t helping me at ALL. They keep hipping me to all these emo ass rapper/singer groups and artists. Like the hell. Can I NOT be in my feelings for a day? Like is that a thing???
Soundtrack to this Blog:
It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.
The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾
TBTLNY: His voice/accent
MM: Our friendship
TOTGA: His hood ass mentality
The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.
I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.
If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.
The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.
I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).
MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)
TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)
This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.
Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.
But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.
TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.
MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.
Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!
Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.
Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.
Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.
After I cried for an hour at work, I started making a plan. . . .
This is a Free Write, I’m just jotting down thoughts, because the Woman I realized is my mentor, told me to. And sometimes I obey commands . . . but only sometimes.
- My best friend lost her mom at the end of last year. She had to see her mother become this thing she wasn’t ready for. She had to see her mother in pain and hurting, because cancer was ravaging her body. At about the same time, my mother was going through Chemo for Cancer. And I was in Arizona. 2096 miles away from her. I have the greatest Best Friends, and my OTHER Best Friend stepped up and kept my mom together. She drove her to appointments, helped run errands, basically everything. I don’t know what I would be, without her. I’m so grateful for what she’s done for my mother. But it’s getting to me today. Being away from her, is getting to me. I’ve been in Arizona for 9 years, and this is the 2nd time I’m seriously considering leaving. Because THAT’S MY MOTHER. And when I was sick, she dropped everything and came here for me. I should have done the same for her. I know all the practical reasons why I didn’t, but I should have. I think, I feel guilty that I didn’t come home. I know most of my family judges me because of it. I had already assumed it, but it was confirmed over the holidays. I just . . . hate having to acknowledge that my mother is going to die. I can’t even IMAGINE my life without her in it. I’ve been her life, since I was born. I have so many hopes and dreams for my mother. I want her to live a carefree life, at least 5 years. So i can see my mother without the struggle. Cuz it’s been a struggle much more often than it’s not. My mother DESERVES better life. I want to give that to her. Because i couldn’t thank her enough for everything she’s done for me. IF i wrote it a million times a day, it wouldn’t be enough. I’m almost at the point where I want to beg God, Please Please Please let me have this option. And that’s selfish. I understand that. Everything has a reason, everything happens for a reason. But Please Please Please God, help me help my mom to live her best life. Please.
- I think I’ve met the person who is going to be my male companion for the rest of my life. Or rather, one of them. That’s weird. But he’s . . . . stable. That’s all I’m gonna say about that. Because . . . . NO.
- Drugs are amazing. LEGAL Drugs are amazing. They make life easier to handle. Everything in moderation tho. I’m low-key worried about my . . . dependence on sleep helpers. Like, am I going to live the rest of my life unable to sleep without some type of medicinal help?
- BIG K.R.I.T. is Life. If you don’t know . . . now you do.
- Have this innate fear of talking about my personal life on this blog and/or social media now. I feel like there were, in the past, people I thought were friends who saw me happy and wished unhappiness on me. I know this may slightly appear to be irrational, but it is what the FUCK it is. I’ve felt like there was someone in my life, who pretended to be my friend, but hated me. I think they had access to my personal life, and details about it, then very specifically plotted against me. And because I was just walking around clueless, I didn’t protect myself like I should have. I didn’t know I needed to pray about people trying to cause me harm.
- I miss #TheHim. I miss how he felt, and smelled, and looked at me. I know I shouldn’t, and my pride won’t let me contact him. But I miss him sofa king much lately.
- I’ve self diagnosed myself as being Bi-Polar with symptoms of Hypomania. This is because of an article I read on Facebook. I’m probably right about this. Google it, and see if it doesn’t describe me almost perfectly.
- I just saw the FINEST black man at the Club House Gym. Guess who’s going to start working out here. New stalkee’s always bring me joy.
- I’m not a stalker . . . . anymore. I miss that side of me.
- IRRRRRRRRRRRNADIMM. INAOTNE. IAEAVFT, ATHTTAFMBASPHHEAUX . . . . I’ll never forgive that bitch.
- I miss college, or rather the music of college. If I had known that I would regret not making up diss trolls to every song that plays these days, I would have probably been in better shape back then.
- People keep calling me skinny. It’s annoying. (This is in response to my recent weight loss. I’m smaller, but I ain’t nowhere NEAR skinny and never will be.)
- This took me 2 days to write, cuz I got distracted by a guy at Starbucks. I mean, he was there to see me . . . so there is that.
- Edibles are AMAZING. Anyone who tells you different is a Lying Ass Liar.
- Thanx for reading!
To whom it may concern:
You broke my heart. Not on some “We in love” type shit, I wasn’t dreaming about forever. But we had SUCH a good thing going. And yet . . . at the end of the day, it wasn’t what I thought. My brothers tried to tell me, but like a dummy I didn’t listen. Because I knew better . . . I was doing this the right way, and my feelings weren’t involved. Or so I thought . . . because after all this time, I’m still hurt.
Maybe I’m the one to blame
That’s just how the game goes
Just want someone to hold
Everybody needs somebody to be there when they’re alone
I just want you to save me (yea)
Just want you to save me . . .
I’d made my mind up, we were going to make this whole thing work for years. Maybe I got arrogant, I thought we were on the same level. Underneath it all, I thought we respected each other enough to be honest, at all time. I never lied to you. Not once, I was always upfront. When I was wrong, I told you. When you were wrong, I checked you. I thought that made us friends.
I’ve known most of my life that I’m a loyal person. If I consider you a friend, then that’s just it. We are Ride or Die. I have your back, and you have mine. I would never do something to harm you, and I thought it was vice versa. Maybe that’s why I’m so hurt. Because you accused me to something I would NEVER have done.
He said you’re my everything
I love you through everything, I done did everything to him
He forgave me for everything, this a forever thing
Hate that I treat it like it’s a whatever thing
Trust me, boy, this shit is everything to me
Okay, so maybe I lied once. I told you it was just . . . fun. It meant something. On multiple levels. The right people knew what it meant, except you. Either way, you mattered . . . and always have. You know THAT, I Know you know that. But at the end of it all . . . the ugly ass way it ended . . . I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t have time to get myself ready. Because it didn’t end the way I wanted to end. I just wasn’t ready for it.
The things that I would do to you with just a couple seconds
I would color every moment, make you feel like it’s forever
I’m comin’ over, so you can start undressin’
I’m givin’ you a chance to finally make a good impression
When I first heard the version of this song on Volume 1, I was PISSED it was only 90 secs. I thought it held so much potential. I wanted to send this song to you. It was the perfect statement was what I wanted us to be. “Get Ready . . . a Bitch has plans.” That’s what the text would have said. I needed you to know my mindset. But alas . . . . The Road to Hell is Paved with “Good Intentions.” This was supposed to be the next level shit we had talked about. But it all fell apart.
You only show me love
When it comes to the music
It’s like when I feel lonely
That’s when you start actin’ choosey
I don’t wanna keep playin’ them games
‘Cause I feel like I’m losin’
So I’m done. I needed to be anyway. But I’m done. Because it’s probably the better decision, at least for me. But I miss the security that existed because you were in my life. I miss having the knowledge that there was someone out there that thought of me and smiled. Or maybe you didn’t, and I’m making that up. It makes it easier to lie to myself.
He has you lost in your emotions
And you hate feeling so alone
And now your simpin’ because you know
You shouldn’t have stayed until the morning
It wasn’t worth all the heartache
It wasn’t worth all of the pleasure
Because you were once a diamond
He made you feel like buried treasure
You broke my heart. And I’m judging myself because of that. Because I KNEW better. I’ve been down that road, and knew how it ended. But I still . . . quite stupidly . . . had hope that we could be friends at the end of it all. But, friends don’t do that to each other. Friends don’t say shit like, “I mean I hear what you are saying . . . but I don’t believe you.” I’m sitting here, dealing with it. Because I have to, even if I don’t want to. But it hurts. Alot.
I’m still lost holding in all of the anger
At the bottom of the ocean and I thought you’d be my savior.
I was distracted, unaware of his behavior
But when I started drowning, I didn’t know he was the anchor.