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Missing You

A few days ago I found the note you left me on my door, that night you came back. I remember wondering, am I strong enough to do this again?  Can I deal with this pain again? Because I knew, even then that losing you was going to be painful. 

About 5 years later, I can still say I miss you. I can still say I wish I was sharing my life with you. Maybe not as my life mate, but certainly as my friend. You were such a good friend, when you weren’t breaking my heart into 1000 pieces. 

But I miss you. As I’m going back to who I was before I met you.  As I’m exploring new boundaries, and trying to take these fantastic leaps of faith. Trusting complete strangers with my life’s goals and plans.  I wish you were here. To lay with me as I express my fears that most people don’t understand. 

I miss feeling so safe. Sometimes, I can be strong and say Thank YOU God that I even got to experience that feeling. So I know it can happen. But tonight, I just wish I had it back. I even called your number….even though I know you changed it. I just…..Do you remember that night we laid in bed, and planned out what our business would look like. All the ideas we had and how we actually prayed for it to happen. 

I kind of hate the fact that I’m doing it without you. Even as I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. Even as I know that I can do whatever I set my mind to, even as I look at what my life has become since you.

I miss you. And part of me always will.  I guess that will have to be enough. Writing you letters in my blog, because I know you will never read them. You didn’t read my blog when we were friends, I’m quite sure you don’t read it now.  But someone in Tucson misses you. 

And I hope that’s enough. I pray that’s enough. It kind of has to be enough. 

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These are my Confessions Part 2

I think, I’ve only been in love 3 times. I’m not talking about bullshit crushes or infatuation. But genuine love, the kind that makes for a beautiful relationship if nurtured correctly. 

#1 is and will always be my first love/soul mate. We literally grew up together. We argue, and fall out, and Hate each other frequently. But he has a piece of me forever. 

#2 is The One That Got Away. We speak very infrequently, maybe once or twice a year. It was easy to forget WHY I fell for him in the first place. But that love is still there. Just under the surface every time we talk.

#3 broke my heart, and to cope, I stopped feeling things. Most emotions are non-existent for me, and have been for the last 4 years. It wasn’t a conscious decision on my part, but I’ve noticed it and commented on it a few times in the past. 

There was a time when being emotionally numb kept me from losing my shit on an hourly basis. My mind created this block to save me from myself. I understand that. I’ve felt safe in the numbness for these past few years. I had a whole ass 9 month long relationship, and not one feeling was exchanged. Not any real ones anyway. I was actually able to fake a relationship. 

But…. for a brief moment today, I felt something. And it scared the fuck outta me, and I relished the feeling all at the same time. I was smiling, and my heart did that flutter thing it does when you get excited about a guy {is that just me?}

It was of course, one of those 3 people I mentioned before. Because I can feel a myriad of emotions for people in my past. I can bring up those feelings and those moments with ease. I can bask in the safety those moments (good and bad) bring me, without any real fear of the outcome. Because those are MY memories. 

I don’t have to share them with anyone, even if those memories involve another person. But making NEW memories, extending myself and investing an emotion in someone new….impossible for me. 

And even as I see this happening, I’m unable to force my brain, mind, heart, soul, or whatever controls my emotional muscles, to push (it)themselves past what they already know.  

He made me smile today, just because he thought of me, and had to call.  My heart jumped, and I was short of breath as I picked up the phone. And I felt the love that has always been there, that I’d had forgotten was still there. 

And my first reaction, was to call him back after our conversation ended, and say I need a break from these feels. We can’t talk for a while, because I don’t like this feeling. Not at all. I can’t feel anything real for you, I don’t do that anymore. 

My Confession: I’m really worried I’ll never love anyone again. I’m worried I won’t even try to find it, all because losing it might just take me all the way out. 

I’m Feelin’ Myself

There comes a time in every woman’s life, that she realizes her true worth.  This moment can last a lifetime, or it can be a fleeting/passing thought.  But every woman will have this moment.  I had mine on October 28th, 2015.  After a two hour phone conversation with MM, I realized that for the 1st time since we “broke up”, I was happy again.    I was actually able to say to him, “I wish I had met you now, because I’m amazing and you don’t even get to experience that.”
5 years ago, he was the most interesting person in the world to me.  I’d never met anyone like him.  He added something to my life that was missing, in my opinion. 

I had a job I loved, and apartment that felt like home, friends and family that were close enough to see when I wanted, but far enough I didn’t have to worry about them dropping by unannouced.  I was content. Out of the blue, I found someone to share it with. I could come home, and talk to another person about my day, and know they understood my angst, frustrations, and triumphs. That’s what had been missing, and I didn’t even know that was something I needed to get to that next level. 

I’m there again in my life.  I can finally say I’m back to the point in my life that I’m consistantly happy at the end of the day.  I walk into my home that I love, after working my 2 jobs that change children’s lives, and can look around and be pleased with myself.  I’ve gotten to the point where I know who/what I need in my life at any given moment.  My emotions are no longer scary, I’m no longer compelled to eat my way through them.  I can hold myself accountable financially, and even put money in a savings account and not touch it. 

I know what I want my next relationship to look like.  I know where I want to be in 12 years.  I have a plan now.  I have so much knowledge about the wrold, and how it works.  Some of the knowledge came from difficult times, but it’s valued just the same.  Somewhere in the last year, I’ve become this new person.  This new me: She knows her worth.  She is no longer afraid to speak her mind.  She no longer hides behind ‘What I should Be,’ instead, she basks in Who I Am.

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Who Am I
1) A Social Worker – I work every day to find family members, and bring them back together.  To get kids out of the Foster Care system, and find them a forever home. I’m able to use my powerful skills of conversation, to make people look at the world differently, and use my own story to help them let go of some of their pain.  I’ve found the perfect job for me – I get paid to stalk people on the internet, then convince them to do what I want them to.  Because . . . Awesome!

2) My Mother’s Child – Personality Wise, we are pretty much the same person at this point.  She’s my hero, and I wanna be like her when I grow up. I want to raise a child the way she raised me, and hopefully make the same impact on their life that she has made on mine.  I’m so happy to consider my mother my friend now, it’s been a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything.

3) A Proud Member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc – I’ve finally found a chapter that is going to help me become more active in the community, and eventually the country.  I’m finally ready to get back to that side of me, MJ the Super Zeta. I’m ready to introduce a new generation of kids to greek life.  To invite children to stepshows, and involve them in community service.  To network in the city of Tucson, and the state of Arizona. To do this Zeta thing the RIGHT way this time, and use all my life experiences to make my community a better place.

4) A Registered Behavioral Technician – I work with kiddos on the Autism Spectrum and help them to be the best version of themselves possible, be it at home, in public, or at school.  And I’m Damn Good at it. Now, I am Nationally Certified to do so.  I’ve been working with kids on the spectrum since my frist year of teaching, even though we didn’t know at the time one of my students was on the spectrum.  There is a special kind of blessing that comes from helping a child open up to the world, when they have only been in their own world for so long.

5) A Child of God – Most of my life, I’ve struggled with my religious identity.  Being raised in the church, I often felt bad for questioning certain things.  Adulthood and life has lead me to understand that God is in everything.  He/She/They doesn’t just have to live in a baptist church, or in Jesus, or in Allah.  God is Love.  God is Living a life of Service to others.  God is finding the Beauty in even the most Ugly of situations.  I can finally say, “Giving Honor to God who is the head of my Life,” and know what that means, which is a blessing in and of itself.

I’m sure there are more labels that apply to me.  These are the 5 I choose to highlight today.  Everyday, I thank God for the person he has allowed me to become, and hope I stop fighting him so much when he takes me down a path I wasn’t expecting.  I guess this is going to be my “Me at 34,” birthday blog, just a little bit early.  Thanks for Reading 🙂

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Late Nights & Early Mornings

So insomnia is a thing. I’ve been dealing with it for about 9 months now. But that not the purpose of this quick blog. I had a dream last night.

In this dream I was living in the house I grew up in, as an adult. I was on the phone with my best friend, listening to her troubles about her girlfriend. While talking to her, my other line rang. When I checked to see who it was, TFN popped up.

No one currently in my life has the initials TFN or the nickname TFN but I felt very strongly in this dream I had to pick up. I told my friend, sorry this is important and pick up my other line.

Turns out, it was MM. After a conversation about nothing, I said to him please let me come over so I can lay with you and solve my best friends problem. He said sure. At this point in the dream I rushed out of bed, threw on clothes and ran out the door, yelling at my mom where I was going.

I woke up smiling. Then I was sad. Then I was pissed. Cuz it wasn’t real. He and I still aren’t friends and never will be. I still dontnhave access to him. And what kind of person am I that I would still drop everything for him. 4 got damn years later. I felt so weak. I judged the shit out of myself. Because I’m really afraid that if that really happened, I’d do the same thing.

So yeah, that.

I Think I Might Love Writing Challenges

So, my life is super busy.  I rarely have time to sit down and write an in-depth blog anymore.  Because writing a blog for me, takes about 2 – 3 hours, depending on the topic.  And If I have to search for images, or song lyrics, or some clip or point of reference . . . That’s gonna take even longer.  The problem is, I only sit down at a keyboard 3-4 times a week, and I’m actually working then.  So I think for a while, I’m going to just do some writing challenges, with the occasional deep ass blog thrown in when I have time.

To my new readers, thank you so much for following my blog!  I never expected anyone to follow this thing, and I’ve been for 9+ years.  I hope you find things that amuse, help, make you laugh, etc.  You might also find some things you don’t agree with  (Probably everything written from 2007-2009.  That was my anything goes/Sarcastic Asshole phase.)

And now, for today’s topic: 5 Ways to Win My Heart

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1) You Need to Be Dominant
I’ve wholeheartedly accepted that I’m submissive when it comes to relationships.  Seriously, I wrote two blogs about it. So I’m not here for you if you want me to take care of you.  I can be supportive, and affectionate, but I refuse to be in charge in our relationship.  I won’t respect you, and the relationship will end VERY quickly.  This doesn’t mean you should beat the crap outta me, this means I should be able to trust you enough to let you be in charge.

a-man-is-not-a-financial-plan-quote-12) You have to have AT LEAST what I Have.
I’m not a parent, I shouldn’t be taking care of you.  If you don’t have at least what I have, we aren’t going to work.  If I’m working two jobs, you have to AT LEAST be working one full time job.  You don’t have to own a Tesla, cuz me and my Buick Century are just fine.  You don’t even have to OWN your house, but you need to have one.  What do i look like introducing you to my friends and family, and I have to explain what you bring to the relationship? I’ve done that, it makes me feel stupid.  I don’t care how great the sex is, if you embarrass me, I shouldn’t be dealing with you.

images-13) Don’t Woo me, if you can’t keep it up
If i meet you, and every night is eating at fancy restaurants, and movies, and Dave and Busters, Keep That Shit Up.  You set the expectations, if you stop living up to them one of two things is going to happen.  A) I’m going to take it personal, and assume you have started to think less of me or b) I’m gonna get pissed off and break up with you.  If your circumstances change, it’s understandable if some things have to be put on the back burner for a while.  But you have to put in the work consistently. Consistency is Key to keep me focused on you and/or our relationship.

09d1e7e1135c1c82dbdb118ea8cbdab3-612x612x14) Introduce me to something new
Is it bad I need to be Wowed? I’ve seen some pretty amazing things, not gonna lie.  So you are going to have to step my game up. Cuz I like new stuff.  I have new interest ADD.  I like to explore all the things.

image5) Be Woke
I can’t be with you if you aren’t knowledgable about societal issues.  You can’t be a Republican.  You can’t be watch Fox News.  You have to know who Chris Hayes and Rachael Maddow are.  You have to be able to tell the difference between an actual news story, and a hoax post. You need to know who Deray, Netta, and Luvvie are.  You don’t have to be Black, honestly.  But if you are White, you need to know what Privlege is, and acknowledge yours.  You have to be able to deal with me being upset when a Black Child Dies.  You need to be able to deal with my anger about another White Man killing innocent people and not being called a terrorist. You Have To Be Woke.

So that’s it.  Not too bad right?  

30 Day Writing Challenge: I totally suck at keeping up with this

Day 19: Five Fears You Have
1) That I won’t make an impact in all the children’s lives that I work with.
2) That I will never get over the loss of MM and it’s impact on my life.
3) That I’ll never be able to, or willing to, fully open up to a new person again
4) That I don’t matter to the people who matter the most to me.
5) That I won’t be able to travel the world like I want to because of Isis.

Day 21: Your Horoscope and whether it

fits you

One of the people in your life is going through an emotional period right now. Their typical sunny disposition is getting clouded over, and they could start to get very irritable. Do not let this scare you off from talking to them, though. They need your input and good ideas desperately — they just don’t know how to ask. A gently worded email would be a great way to remind them that you are there for them whenever they need you. They will love the gesture.

It actualy does.  I just had to try to be a support for a few people in the last few days, because they were having issues.  At least I know I was doing the right thing.

Day 23: A Family Member You Don’t Like
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, 1 . . 2. . . . 3. . . .4 . . . FIF!

Day 24: Something You Miss
I miss having the freedom to travel when I want to.  I used to be able to drive anywhere whenever I I wanted to.

Day 25: Four Weird Traits you Have
1) I bite my nails once they’ve reached an average length.  I can’t stop myself.  I like the act of tearing off the white part.  The only thing that stops me from doing it, is having gel or acrylic overlay on them.
2) I organize my music like most people organize their homes.  Everything has a place where it fits, and if thinks are out of order I have a conniption fit.
3) I’m afraid of Clowns, but that didn’t happen until I was like 23.  One day, a Clown came to our Daycare and I lost my mind. 
4) Igot nothing fro this one 😦

Day 26: Things You Would Say to An Ex
To BTB: I’m sorry I wasn’t able to make it work.  I iwsh I had known going in, that I wasn’t going to be able to make it work.  I’m sorry we got that damndog, that was really te end of something beautiful.  I hope you find someone who will accept you just as you are, and that you are able to communicate with them in a way you weren’t with me.
To MM: You disappointed me.  You were supposed to be better than that.  It sucks that you weren’t.

Day 27: What You Wore Today
A University of Dayton Elite 8 Hoodie, my only pair of jeans, and some Pink/Purple Flip Flops.  Welcome to Winter in Tucson.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Things I Hate About You

{Full Disclosure.  I wrote this blog during a 3 hour flight to a conference for work.  It was 48 hours after Hello had been released, but BEFORE I talked to my ex. So this is rather emo.  It’s also kind of cheating, because this day’s challenge was supposed to be just 3 songs.  But Yeah, That.}

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10. Hello – Adele

I Hate that I’m thinking about you again. I Hate that hearing this song has put all these emotions back in my mindspace. I Hate that this song stirred up old resentments and anger about life Post-You. I Hate that everyone else gets to talk to you, and see you, and I don’t. I Hate how selfish it sounds to say, “You were my friend FIRST!” And I Hate that I will forever feel that way.

9. Lay Me Down

I Hate that British White People seem to be the only singers to properly convey my pain about you. I Hate that THIS song made me cry the first time I heard it. I Hate that the only person I could explain my reaction to has the option to talk to you whenever she wants to. I hate that I can’t TALK about you to anyone. I Hate  that explaining this 5 year clusterfuck takes a book, not a text. I Hate that I miss the Smell of you in the morning. I Hate that I can’t remember your face, but I remember what your chest feels like. I Hate that you didn’t trust my love for you enough to read the fucking letter I wrote you. I HATE that the only time I feel real emotion is when I’m thinking about or talking about you.

8. Farewell – Rihanna

I Hate that you got out of the service. I Hate that we talked about your life after you left, and I’m not there to see it. I Hate that I say goodbye to you on an almost daily basis. I Hate that I still remember the first time I heard this song, and crying on the couch because I thought you were going to be deployed. I Hate that singing this song out loud still makes me cry. I hate that you could hear this song, and not one fuck would be given about me. I Hate that not having you in my life made me give up on love. I Hate that I came to the realization that I was never in love with BTB. I Hate the fact that I’ll never be in love again.

7. Stone Cold – Demi Lovato

I Hate that the first time I heard this song, I thought of you. I Hate that this song didn’t come out in 2012. Because I would have stood outside your house and sang it. I Hate that the words, “If Happy is Her, I’m happy for you.” Apply to my best friend. I Hate that you made me Hate my Best Friend for a brief period of time. I Hate you for ruining the context of perfectly good songs. I Hate that I don’t like Demi’s version, because she’s singing it like I feel about you. It’s ugly, and I Hate that my feelings for you are still so ugly.

6. Far Away – Marsha Ambrosius

I Hate that I don’t listen to this album ever. Because it reminds me of when we fell apart. I Hate that this song is about suicide, and missing you made me contemplate it on more occasions than I’m comfortable with admitting. I Hate that you are so far away, but you live within driving distance. I Hate that I can’t even DRIVE on Ajo for fear of seeing you. I Hate that she was the one to tell me you were in Seattle, and now I’m afraid I’ll bump into you at the airport. I Hate that not even traveling is free of you. I Hate that every time I go to the grocery store, half of me is afraid to see you, and the other half hopes I do.  I just HATE YOU. And I Hate that Hating you is the only way I can tell myself to stop loving you. I have to remember all the shitty fucked up things you did to me, so I don’t remember the way you made me feel. I Hate that the only time I’ve felt happy, was when I was with you. I know I’ve been content most  times, but Happiness is rare. I Hate that because of you I know the difference between Happy and Content.

5. Over You – Miranda Lambert

I Hate the Country music makes me think of you. I Hate that I still have a Whiskey Lullabye Pandora Station. I Hate that Country music is the 2nd best genre for emo shit. “But you went away, how dare you! I miss You!” What the fuck dude. I HATE that song lyrics seriously only matter when it pertains to you. I Hate that you stole the music from me. I Hate that I was longing for the meaning, and now I wish it would go away. God, I Hate You.

4. Maybe, Tomorrow – Jackson 5

I Hate that knowing you didn’t read the letter gave me hope. I Hate that hope still exists in my life. I Hate that even though hope popped up, right behind it was self-doubt and my propensity for bashing myself in your eyes. “Maybe Tomorrow, you’ll change you mind” Fuck You Hope. Fuck you very much.

3. Whenever You’re Around

I Hate that I’m currently on an airplane and can’t sing this entire song on your voicemail. I Hate that you even ruin Jill Scott songs. I Hate that 48 hours from now, I’ll go back to being numb again, and I won’t even have these feelings anymore. I Hate that numb is safe. I Hate that we aren’t building our tutoring business, and making ridiculous amounts of money while helping the children of Tucson. I Hate that at the end I was lonely around you. I Hate that you shut me out, even before I moved. I Hate that even though my house is becoming a home (finally) it’s still my 2nd choice. I Hate that She thinks we should have made up by now, but it’s not even on your radar. I Hate that I told her never to try to make it happen, because I would hate her for it. I Hate that she actually listened to me.

2. Exit Wounds – Luke James

I wondered if you ever loved me
Cuz if you did, why be so cold
I hope you know . . .

This ain’t a heart it’s just an exit wound
That just won’t close.
My brain in scarred each time I let you through, You left a hole
Stole my smile and all i’ve got left of you,
Is these Exit Wounds . . .

1. The Worst is Over – Laura Izabor

I Hate that I dont think this is true. I Hate how much this song should minister to me, because it’s how I felt after the second time you left. I Hate that even hoping things had ended differently is like admitting it was going to end anyway. It was never going to last, was it? I Hate that you will never read this, see this, or answer any of these questions. I Hate that I still have these many thoughts about you!