Tag Archive | Adulthood

Home is where the Heart Is . . .

You know how people say that, and it pisses you off because what the hell does that even mean?!?! Okay, is that just me? Maybe it is. Whatever don’t judge me, you don’t know my story. (I mean unless you read my blog then you probably know my entire life story.) Anyway, on my recent rip to Arizona, I’ve made some interesting observations that I would like to share.  Here they are . . .

1) I Am A Nomad.

This is a very important observation.  I don’t like being in one place for a long period of time.  I need a variety of scenery, and different things to do.  Without that variety, I get bored, and then I do dumb things.  More than just needing variety, I work better with a very precise set of circumstances.  I need a job that has a variety of responsibilities.  I need to be able to craft my life around my schedule, and not the other way around.  I need to have a readily available support team – be they family or otherwise – I can go to when I need something. As my Sorority Sister once told me, “You are consistently inconsistent.” That’s a very accurate portrayal of me.  I’m a flake, but I’m reliable when I’m not in Flake Mode.

2) Tell People They Matter, before you can’t tell them again . . .

When my Nephew Fred Lux died last month, the only thing I could think about was, “Did he know how much he was loved?” People need to know they are valued.  People should know you rely on them to get through your day.  At work, at home, when you go to the mall . . . Doesn’t really matter.  If you haven’t told them how important they are to you, assume they don’t know.  There were 500+ people at my Nephew’s Funeral . . . Standing Room Only.  People took time off their jobs, on a Wednesday, to make sure his family knew that he was important to everyone he encountered. Tell people they matter.  It’s not just about stroking their ego, it’s about touching their heart.

941299_10153386613930613_1059666991_n3) I will never NOT work with Kids . . .

Kids are the greatest thing ever in life. And not for a weird reason, but because they are the personification of innocence in a very messed up world.  The smile of a child is enough to change the direction of your day . . . If you let it.  I spent this vacation with children for the most part.  My nieces and nephews, the kids I used to babysit when I lived here, and even stopped by my old job.  The thing that struck me was that they remembered me.  Not all of them remembered my name.  But I made a lasting impact in some kind of way.  From a kid saying, ‘Hi Applehead’, to the little girl who couldn’t even speak, she just hugged me until I walked out of the door.  My reason for being, is to work with children.  To educate them, to be a friend, and to help them at whatever stage of life they happen to be in when they cross my path.  The absolute understanding of that concept was baffling to me when I was younger.  At 31, it’s a challenge.  Can I be what I think I’m supposed to  be. Can I live up to that standard? I’m not sure,  but I think so. I’m excited to see just how far I can go!

4)My Father Loves Me . . .

I know that sounds weird, but it has taken me a long time to accept my Father exactly as he is.  For years, I expected him to be what I NEEDED him to be.  Then, I expected him to be what I WANTED him to be. About two years ago, I came to the conclusion that I had been doing it all wrong.  Understanding  you will never be able to control another person’s actions creates a kind of relief.  You can stop holding them to the standards you have set for them.  When I left Arizona, I explained to my Father that I needed something from him, that he wasn’t able to provide.  But I wasn’t upset about it.  I just understood what I needed in my life at that time. But I love my Dad.  For every conversation where he tries to protect me from my own stubbornness, to his gestures of acceptance as weird as they might be to others.  I’m at the point in my life where I’m so GRATEFUL I have two Living Parents.  I can go to them in need of advice, and they actually respect my dilemmas/issues and give me solutions without Judgement.  Growing up is sometimes awesome.

5) True Friends are hard to come by . . . 

I’m not talking about people you see everyday.  I mean the people you don’t talk to for MONTHS, but one phone call makes it feel like they are right next to you.  My Best Friends all have “titles” – White Boy Best Friend, High School Best Friend, Lesbian Best Friend, etc. – But their Best Friend status is not based on their label/title.  It’s based on how/what/when/where/how they have been with me throughout my life.  I’m learning in my old age, friends are there when sometimes family chooses not to be.  I’m grateful for the people who call me friend. Those who listen to me talk about my life, and don’t judge me or my actions.  Those who might have a completely different outlook on life, but still embrace mine.  Friends who teach me how to make a new meal every time I see them, and who don’t judge me for late night texts/IM’s about my dastardly deeds.  I’m really blessed, and appreciative for all of you!

Thanx for Reading!

SideChicks: Picking up the Pieces when you stop doing YOUR job . . .

*Editor’s Note: This Blog is going to piss you off.  Just stop reading now.  If you keep reading, it’s your own fault if you feel some kind of way at the end.  I’m not even writing this to piss you off.  I’m writing it to tell MY understanding of SideChick Subculture. It’s better you read you this now, than get a SideChick Declaration of Ownership text message someday.  I’m just trying to help.*

Four Years ago, I wrote about my own experiences as a Side Chick. It’s a good read before you view the rest of this, as my attitude as been altered a little bit by life. Please understand this . . . I’m over SideChick Slander.  Not because I take it personally, but because it’s dumb.  We Slut Shame the SideChick but hail the man as a Pimp/Player/Boss/SexGod. With all the SideChicks who seem to be PROSPERING right now, I think it’s time to look at why.  But First, a Mini-Rant about #BlackTwitter and Scandal.

Scandal is one of the greatest written shows on TV right now.  And the Main Character is a Side Chick. The Presidential Side Chick! She has a job, friends, and a life.  She just happened to fall in love with the soon to be elected Leader of the Free World.  But according to #BlackTwitter, we have to hate her based SOLELY on her SideChick status.  Supposedly, she is breaking up a home, and ruining lives.  Which is a GOT DAMN LIE! Fitz don’t Love Mellie.  He ain’t neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeva gonna love Mellie.  But every Thursday, my TL is full of people (mainly men) bashing women for caring about Olivia’s emotions and thoughts.  For sympathizing with her in her daily struggle to let that Presidential Love go.  STOP IT! They will deal with the consequences of their relationship and be judged by whatever Higher Power their characters worship.  

Back to my original point . . . either I attract the shadiest females/males known to man into my circle, or y’all are some delusional ass people. SideChicks STAY winning.  Stop lying to everyone else on your timeline, and maybe even to yourself.  People cheat every damn day.  SideChicks become Step-Mothers every damn day.  Married Men step out of their house into the arms of another woman every damn day. And they gives not a FUCK about anyone’s feelings.

I’ve never hidden the fact I played that role once or twice in my life.  It wasn’t always on purpose, but it is a title I have held.  What I have hidden, and for good reason, is the amount of times I’ve chosen NOT to play that role.  I’ve been ASKED to be the SideChick more times than I would actually like to count. (7) For every person I’ve turned down, I’ve been asked again.  I’ve been propositioned by people I see on a regular basis, and their significant others have no damn clue. Ya’ll are living in a fantasy world where your man/woman is the most faithful person in the world.  Stop Lying to yourself. I’ll Help You.

1) Why Did I Get Married?

That’s not just a Tyler Perry Movie.  That’s a question you need to ask yourself.  If the answer to the question isn’t because I know this man/woman wants to look at my ashy ass every day, chances are someone in your relationship isn’t happy.  When you said I Do, did you listen to all the Vows? The Love Honor and Obey everyone hears.  Did you pay attention to that Honesty thing though.

A large portion of my male friends from High School/College are married or in serious relationships and have been for years.  Wanna know why 90% of them got married?  Because they felt like they had kept her waiting long enough. {Yeah, they admit that kind of stuff to me, probably because I’m the only person who actually asked.}  People get married for every reason under the sun other than Love.  Love ain’t got nothin’ to do with a better credit score, or a place to live, or them kids that need to be in daycare you can’t afford alone.  Men aren’t the only people who get married for all the wrong reasons. Women do it ALL the time.  The need for security, or at least the illusion of security is real out here in these streets.

This isn’t to say there aren’t any relationships based solely on the love and devotion of two people, but Keep It Real. People who go into a relationship with Rose Colored Glasses, will get those colored lenses broken. {This refers to having an unrealistic expectation of what Marriage/Committed Relationship are actually about}  It might take a few years, but one day you will wake up . . . and you won’t remember why you were in your relationship in the first place. When starting a relationship, we try to put our best foot forward.  Show the best image of ourselves.  We might even try to stay on the straight and narrow path, and ignore our previous patterns of behavior.  But if you are in a relationship with someone and have to hide any part of yourself, that person is NOT for you.  But you know who will accept all your flaws . . . The SideChick.

The SideChick doesn’t CARE that you were a heaux in college. {She might have been too} The SideChick doesn’t care that you have kinky sex fantasies.  The SideChick listens to you complain about your wife that never cooks, and quietly cooks you a meal.  The SideChick picks up her phone every time you call, and makes sure she is ready when you come over. The SideChick doesn’t ask you for money to get her hair done, and she doesn’t usually want anything but your attention.  The SideChick is everything your wife of 5+ years isn’t anymore.  THAT’S why The SideChick is still out here winning.  Because as long as your Wife/Girlfriend/Fiance/Baby Momma is off HER game, she will be on her’s.

2) But Can You Whistle

Place two women side by side.  They have the same exact educational background and general knowledge.  The are similar in build and facial structure.  One can Whistle, the other can not.  Most men will choose the Whistler, because she has a little something extra.  The SideChick is a Whistler.  Her ability to whistle isn’t the sole reason she is usually placed in the SideChick role, but it doesn’t hurt her in any way.  Men usually want to have the best of the best.  They want to have something no one else has –  be it a car, or a house, or a woman.  If the opportunity arises, the SideChick will whistle alllllll around your man if you let her. Examples of SideChick Whistling:

  • Ability to Orally please your man (If you won’t do it, he will find someone who will)
  • Similar opinions regarding sexual freedom (If he can TALK to her about doing it, he will do it with her)
  • Her culinary prowess is unmatched (The quickest way to a man’s heart is the lower half of his body. . . )
  • Silence is Golden (What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas)

In this brave new world of Female Sexual Freedom, Whistler’s are EVERYWHERE. The way to deal with this SideChick influx is to FIGHT BACK! Learn a new skill.  Find out who your man is, BEFORE he tells you while he’s over the SideChicks crib.  Talk to your man about his needs. If they don’t fit you, then move on.  But if you are adaptable, adapt.  Cuz SideChicks are the most pliable, malleable, adaptable individuals on God’s Green Earth.

3) Game Recognize Game (Social Networking)

Facebook Messenger and Twitter DM have ruined a MYRIAD of relationship.  I watch it happen everyday.  Guy says something sexual. Girl comments/retweets. Witty TL Banter ensues . . . then they both disappear from the TL/Newsfeed.  It. Has. Begun.  The SideChick will NEVER blatantly approach your man. He will make the first move. The minute he drops those 10 digits (Remember when saying 7 digits was sufficient) and they have that initial, ‘You know I been feeling you, but you got a girl tho . . .‘ conversation, the SideChick has won.

If we have learned nothing else from Kwame, Carlos Danger, Dwyane, and Swizz . . . it’s that men will say ANYTHING to the woman who will listen.  A man will sit at work and text the SideChick all day long. Between meetings, on trips to the bathroom, doesn’t really matter.  He wants attention, and the SideChick is going to give it to him . . . Point. Blank. Period.

It’s also important to know . . . The seasoned SideChick isn’t trying to get caught.  She knows it’s much more stress to have to fight a woman in the street about her man than be a Freak in his Bed.  The seasoned SideChick has an app on her phone that hides messages from certain people, and tells your man about it.  The seasoned SideChick actually has a Google Voice number so that your man doesn’t know her number.  What people fail to understand is that some people choose SideChickery {read: The Act of SideChicking} as their main source of relational interaction.  The reasons behind this are actually irrelevant.  This is a lifestyle, NOT a pastime.

4) Why are you Caping for SideChicks and not calling out men?

If you’ve gotten this far in my blog, and think I’m caping for SideChicks, then you have missed the point.  I’m not making excuses, I’m explaining common behavioral patterns.  I’m trying to put all women up on the game.  Lack of Knowledge = Failure to Succeed.  You might have been raised to be a certain kind of person, and your Man/Husband/Fiance/Baby’s Father might have been raised to seek out and marry that EXACT type of person.  That doesn’t mean people’s needs can’t change and the eye can’t wander.  The Cheating Man is an asshole. So is the SideChick.  Most people are assholes though.

Even after my travels to the Land of SideChickery, I believe in Love.  I believe that Two People can come together, and create a lasting bond that satisfies all their needs.  I believe this because I had for a brief time myself.  I know people who live this kind of life everyday.  Millions of men are tempted to cheat every day, and DON’T. The kind of relationships I’ve just described were achieved by honesty and communication.  If a man can’t be honest and communicate {without fear of judgement} with his mate, he will eventually attempt to find someone who affords him that option. The same can be said for women.  I really just thought someone should share their intimate knowledge of the SideChick Subculture with the masses.

Thoughts?

Feelings are NOT Facts . . .

It’s that thing when you have so much you need to say, and you can’t think of a clever way to say it.  I try to make my blogs cute and funny, but also reflective fo my current or past struggles.  Sadly, I’m in a place right now when I FEEL like anything I would have to say is going to offend or hurt someone’s feelings. This is going to be a cacophony of thoughts.  Then, I’ll try to bring it all together at the end okay.  Lets Go . . .

1) I’m Flattered But . . .

Recently, a guy from my past popped up out of nowhere.  We went to the same church when we were younger.  Due to my perpetual status as on outsider, we didn’t have much interaction.  He was cute, but he didn’t talk to me, probably because I was the awkward fat girl.  For some reason, he’s intent on convincing me that I am the one person he needs to make his life better.  Except, he’s doing it all wrong!

If you have to beg me to pay attention to you, you aren’t worth my time. Conversely, I shouldn’t be worth yours. The minute a girl says to you, I’m not ready for a relationship, believe her!  My aversion to anything that looks like a relationship aside, why are you trying so hard? And who told you the way to a woman’s heart was begging? Like, thanks for paying attention to me 20 years later . . . but no thanks.

Underneath this new – more curvy, less chunky – figure I am the SAME awkward Fat Girl from the Teen Choir.  I haven’t changed at all.  I said when I started losing weight, the men who started paying attention to me {but didn’t give me the time of day when I was at my largest} would be the first men to get told off.  Because I don’t care what kind of society we live in . . .If you didn’t like me at my ‘worst’, Fuck you Very Much at my very Best.

2) I’m In Love with Another Man . . . 

First of all, let me just say Jazmine Sullivan took my WHOLE entire existence with this song when I first heard it 3+ years ago.  But the words are ringing true to me currently. What’s crazy is, I’m not in love with a specific person.  I’m in Love with an image.  It’s the image I’ve cultivated over the last few years of what/who I’m looking to spend the rest of my life with.

I’m in Love with my Best Friend.  I don’t even know if I could be attracted to someone I didn’t trust with all my secrets FIRST.  Sexual Attraction is such a great idea….But it’s not gonna keep me warm in the middle of the night.  It’s not going to buy me Hello Kitty accessories because they saw them while they were out. I’m looking for the guy who knows my mood based soley on the Spotify Playlist playing while I’m washing dishes.

The person you should end up with, in my very humble opinion, is the person you think about when bad shit happens.  It’s the first person you call when you need to cry (more on that later).  Its the person whose face you know would make you feel safe.  In all of my relationship travels, there have been very few people that I’ve thought had the potential to be that person for me. 

Of course, my track record with falling in love with my Best Friend hasn’t gone so well in the past . . .

 3) WE, are Never Ever, Ever, Getting Back Together . . . 

In the same vein . . . I’m really tired of people telling me how I should feel about my Ex.  I’ve decided I’m allowed to hate him whenever I want to.  I am allowed to love him whenever I want to. I am allowed to miss him whenever I want to.  I want to be able to say I don’t ever want to see him again, and that be okay.  The Happy I Felt when we were together is something I should say I want again in my life.  But I don’t want that.  Ever.  Because if you have it, you can lose it.

Losing it almost broke me.  Few people I was on the verge of Suicide when I moved back to Michigan. *Well, now everyone knows I guess* I left AZ because the stress of knowing he was so close and yet so far was getting to me.  Staying in AZ gave me a false sense of hope.  I’ve learned that Hope should only apply to Barack Obama and the Dreams of Suckers. {10pts if you get this movie reference}

I don’t want to EVER see him again.  I don’t want to hear his voice, or smell him, or listen to his favorite song. I don’t even like seeing pictures of him.  Because 1st, I remember the Happy.  But IMMEDIATELY after that, I remember the Sad.  And that Sad almost took me out.

See how my thoughts don’t make any sense.  Those three things I just posted, in complete conflict with each other.  But Wait, there’s more…

4) Being Honest Is Hard

I’ve stopped telling people stuff I think might hurt their feelings.  I’ve stopped making statements that might offend ‘outsiders.’ Now, I do have a circle of friends who accept everything that comes out of my mouth.  But . . . even amongst some of my “Close” Friends, I don’t say what I think.  I think being in social work has stunted my emotional freedom.

I used to ‘react’ quickly to things that offended me.  I used to stand up for myself when I felt slighted.  I don’t do that anymore either.  That could be the result of being told my feelings don’t matter.  It could be because my feelings are never validated, because they don’t go along with the desired emotional direction of “The Team.”  But whatever has caused this emotional retardation that has made me sensitive to everyone but me, it’s time out for that shit.

  5) Stop being a Baby

I cry too fucking much.  Like, I spent a SOLID 28 years, never crying.  We are talking maybe one ugly cry a year.  Since 2010, I swear I’ve cried on average 4 times a month.  Like, I cry watching tv shows.  I cry watching movies.  I cry listening to music.  I cry during phone conversations.  What the fuck is wrong with me?

Crying is for weak people, who can’t suck it up and deal with what life hands them. This crying all the damn time thing isn’t even something I would have ever thought I would go through.  *Boy, was that Psychic Wrong*  I still handle problems and get shit done.  But it’s fucking embarrassing.  Everyone shouldn’t see my tears.  They haven’t earned the right to see me this vulnerable. I’m starting to think I should have gone to therapy once I moved back to Michigan.  I might be in a better place emotionally.

So Yeah, that’s it for now.  I doubt this makes any sense.  I don’t really think it was meant to.  But I put it all out there, so that’s something right?

Dear Skinny Stranger Bitch . . . You Don’t Know My Story

*If I was your teacher in your youth, I’m sorry you had to read these harsh words   If I taught your child, I’m sorry you had to see these harsh words.  But, they must be said.*

I went to church today.  My wonderful Pastor was talking about “Breaking Out of Your Rut” in life.  Evidently during my gallivanting (Defn: to go about in search of pleasure) last weekend, I missed part one.

Today’s sermon focused on the last 3 steps to escaping your Rut. The point we are discussing, indeed the catalyst for this rant was Exercise Your Body.  His main point during the sermon was, Movement of your body inspires you to do more in your everyday life.  My rant, however, is not about my Pastor’s words.  It’s about a complete stranger’s way of dealing with them.

Episode #1: As my Pastor is talking, he says, “Now say to your Neighbor, Movement is Good.” My Neighbor to my left says, “You should really listen to what he is saying.

Who Bitch What?!?!?!?

I didn’t say anything, because I knew that if I punched this random Skinny Stranger Bitch in her fucking face, I would probably be asked to leave.  So I just said Amen, and went back to listening to my Pastor.

Episode #2: My Pastor stated something to the effect of, “Y0ur homework for this week is to get up and move.  Walk 15 minutes.” The Skinny Stranger Bitch then gave me the  Holy Helpful Stranger arm rub and said, ‘Now I know it’s hard for you to lose all that weight.  But you have to try.”

Who. Bitch. What?!?!?!?!?

Episode #3: My Pastor then stated something to the effect of, Movement will make you feel better about yourself. Again with the Holy Helpful Stranger Arm Rub, “I have a niece that’s bi— Full Figured like you, and I tell her all the time, You have to try.”

Mother. Fuck.

First of all, stop touching me heaux, I don’t know you like that.  Second of all, all fat people are not the same.  Third, my thighs touching is not an indicator  I Hate My Life.  You Don’t Know My Story.  You don’t know SHIT about me.  You look at me and see a Fat Girl. And that, is the Mother. Fucking. Problem.

I have never met this woman in my life.  She doesn’t know that I’ve lost 60lbs in the last 13 months, and I am working toward losing another 30 before June.  But HOW DARE YOU . . . My Fat is not your business.  Even if I was 600lbs, you don’t have the right to give me advice about what to do with my body.  You have enough room on the bench, my fat is not touching you – so kindly Shut The Fuck Up.

I think her compulsion to save me is actually part of a bigger issue – that is,  the need to help those we deem less fortunate than us.  Of course this assessment of need is based solely on outward physical appearance.

I call what she did Skinny Bitch Privilege.   The Skinny Bitch feels they are the media’s (read: the USA Media) representation of ‘Beauty,” so this means they have the right to ‘help’ people get like them.  They ASSUME anyone who isn’t like them, just hasn’t had the right motivation to Get Like Them. Their Mindset seems to be, “Oh Woe is You.  Please allow me to help you on your journey to being a better person.

Fat DOES NOT EQUAL Unhappy/Sick/Lazy. If there is one constant annoyance in these past 13 months, it has been the perception/assumption that my weight loss happened because I was finally tired of being fat.  It didn’t.  It happened because someone told me I couldn’t do it.  A 60 day challenge turned into a lifestyle change.

Do I feel better now that I’ve lost weight? Yes.  Do I have more energy? Yes. Do rainbows now fly out of my soul every time I work out? No.  Do I know feel complete and whole? NO.  I wasn’t miserable at 378lbs. I’m not ridiculously happy at 318lbs. But however I feel about my body, you will NEVER have the right to tell me your opinion about it.

Listen Skinny Bitch, I’m good.  I eat what I want, I don’t suffer from any sort of guilt/shame about my size.  I’m a grown ass woman.  I like food I know isn’t good for me, and if I feel like it, Imma eat that shit! I don’t need your help or your Pity.

Please, go on with your eating of Salad, I eat that too. Continue to prosper as you use the elliptical to get an ass that looks like mine. Further your journey into the land of Thighs Don’t Touch, I hear it’s cold and dry there . . . but that might just be a rumor.

You might not agree with my thoughts, that’s totally fine.  But thank you for reading, feel free to comment/express your opinion. As long as it’s not about my body 🙂

CSBF Vol 19: I’m a Submissive Woman {Part 2a} Relationship Dynamics

*Quick Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a relationship expert. I have not gone to school for Relationship Counseling, nor have I received a degree in Sociology from a Prestigious University. These words are MY opinions. Based on my own experiences and observations. This is my effort to share my thoughts, and maybe to tell you what is wrong with your relationship. If you are offended, hurt, taken aback by anything stated here…That Sucks. Please enjoy 🙂 *

In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to be a protector/provider.   “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” or “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.

This is a line from my previous blog that I wish to focus on more in-depth here. Please read the previous blog, just so you can understand my mindset. This is Confession of a SINGLE Black Female, so I know some people will read this and think, ‘No Wonder she is single. This chick is crazy.’ But I have come to believe that my delay in understanding the concept of submission is actually WHY I am still single.

I grew up reading Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts. Books full of strong female characters who took no shit, and lived their lives exactly the way they wanted.  Suddenly, a knight in shining armor showed up, and changed their lives forever. In all actuality, I’ve never seen a real life relationship. Not a stable/healthy one anyway.  I grew up in a circle of Single Mothers and dysfunctional homes.  I say all this so that you can understand that my idea of what a relationship should look like has been skewed almost from the beginning.

Part 2A:  What You Are Doing Wrong

The first thing you have to realize – being submissive in a relationship is not evil.

Submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
 Nowhere in that definition does it say: be a human doormat. When most women – and some men – see the word Submission, they immediately think they lose every ounce of respect they have for themselves. Submission doesn’t mean physical abuse (unless ur kinky like that), nor does it mean you lose your voice. It doesn’t mean you become a mouse without a care in the world, nor does it mean your thoughts/opinions don’t matter. Being submissive really means you already know where you stand, so there is no need to constantly redefine that role.

If you are trying to create a good relationship, you might want to look at the people who are around you. This doesn’t just have to do with Dominant/Submissive relationships, but most relationships in general. Birds of a Feather Flock Together.  If you spend all your time listening to your SINGLE Momma/Cousin/Sister/Aunt about whats wrong in your relationship, and you don’t see a problem with that, something is wrong with you.  Don’t forget, Misery Loves Company. After they have talked you out of your relationship & and the potential for happiness, where does that leave you?

If, much like me,  you spent your whole life watching relationships fall apart you should have learned what not to do.  Most children of divorce or bad relationships don’t sit around saying, “Yup, that’s exactly what I am going to do in my relationships!”  So why do we usually end up in that exact relationship? Because we listen to the people who lived that life.  Even more than that, because we don’t have an example, we make it up as we go along.

People in relationships should spend a fair amount of time with other people in relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, do you have a relationship model? A couple that is by no means perfect, but are actively working on their relationship day by day. Or are you still living like you did when you were single? If you have a partner, but you don’t spend most of your time with them, how are you ever going to find a way to make your relationship work? *I ask these questions not to be condescending or facetious, but with a genuine need to know how your relationship works.*

Too many times, when couple are fighting it’s because they are comparing themselves as individuals, to other people in their life. “Well, Tammy can do whatever she wants, and Ricky doesn’t care!” What you very rarely see is the boundaries that have been set beforehand.  It takes month, even years for a healthy and/or stable relationship to form.  It’s not just what you see at dinner.  It’s every night when you get home, communicating with your partner,  working out the kinks.  Everything pretty didn’t start out that way.

If you are struggling in your relationship, you might need to acknowledge the problem has nothing to do with your partner.  Are you thinking the way you did when you were single? This is where the Submissive attitude comes in.  In a Dominant/Submissive relationship, you aren’t going to be the first person that you think of.  That’s why I say, It Ain’t For Everybody.  I am the most selfish person I know, usually.  It took a constant effort on my part, at first, to even think about someone else first. It’s a decision that I had a make on my own, I wasn’t forced into it.

You have to truly believe, It’s Not About You Anymore. Whether you are married or dating exclusively, you have made a commitment to partner with this other person. This SHOULD mean you are no longer your first priority. Teamwork makes the Dream Work. In almost every relationship imaginable, selfishness will ALWAYS lead to singleness. Is your every thought about what would make you happy? It shouldn’t be.  You should go out of your way, at times, to bring a smile to your partner’s face. This doesn’t mean you completely forget about yourself.  This means you start to enjoy making the other person happy.

Again, It Ain’t for Everybody. As an only child, of a Strong Black and Independent Single Mother, the discovery of this part of me is still difficult to explain to others.  I was taught to take care of myself first. Finding genuine pleasure is pleasing another person (and this has nothing to do with sex) was a very strange feeling for me.  Making slight adjustments to my daily routine, taking time to factor in someone else’s preferences, asking about things before taking control of a situation, all completely foreign to me. But, Good LORD, when I saw the difference it made. It’s all worth it, at least to me.

Look at your past relationships, why did they ultimately end? Usually, it’s because the actions of one or both of the people in the relationship hurt the other person/people. It’s because they were thinking of themselves, and not the unit as a whole. You HAVE to know and understand the preferences of your partner if you are going to actually try to make your relationship work.  Ask yourself, what contributions am I making to this relationship? What am I bringing to the table that makes this better for BOTH of us. If the answer is nothing or something that only benefits you, you might want to reevaluate your choices.

You should also have very Clearly Defined Roles. Labels are at times a good thing. If you are living with a person, who is going to pay bills? Who is going to cook? How many times a week should meals be cooked? Who takes out the trash, makes the bed, etc. These are all responsibilities which have to be taken care of, so why not figure it out together? This way, instead of fighting every week because the dogs didn’t get walked, you spend more time watching the dogs playing outside while cuddled up on the couch. It’s very hard to assume things if you have already discussed it beforehand. Communication is KEY.

On the flip side, everyone has the right to make a request. Requests have more to do with personal preferences than they do with the everyday workings of your relationship. Things like, please put the toilet seat down before you leave the bathroom, or don’t buy fat-free milk if you go shopping. These are seemingly little things, but they can lead to larger problems if not discussed in a timely manner. Never let things fester. It’s the little things that cause the biggest problems when it comes to keeping a couple happy and sane.

If you are the man (or male figure) BE A MAN.  As a man (or male figure), you are going to have to decide if you are a Provider or a Pimp. Meaning, are you providing for your mate because you feel it’s your responsibility,  or are you paying them for services rendered?   Going right along with that, are you a Father Figure or the Head of the Household? Some women – myself included at times – are looking for a Father Figure. A man who is going to take charge of everything, without me having a say whatsoever. Some women don’t want/need that. They already had someone like that growing up.

If you are fortunate enough in this day & age to find a girl without Daddy Issues, then you need to be the Head of your Household. The HoH is the Ultimate Decision Maker.  They make the major decisions when it comes to how the relationship works, what choices need to me made.  This doesn’t mean discussions don’t happen, it just means at the end of the day, the HOH will have the last say.  Many times, the HOH will factor in the preference of their partner.  They could in fact change their decision because they value the thoughts,  opinions, and feelings of their mate.

The most important part of any relationship, be it platonic or romantic, is Honesty. If you can’t be honest with your partner, you shouldn’t be with them.  Truth Hurts, but so does a break up.  If you can’t tell your partner everything that’s on your mind – without fear of retribution – you shouldn’t be with them. Part of that setting boundaries thing I was talking about earlier, comes in here as well.  Sometimes, you are going to have to clarify your intent before even having a conversation with your partner.  You might have to say, “This is just how I feel.  I just need to let it out.” or “I need you to understand that I am referring to what has happened in my past, not to you.”

Mind you, there are going to be times when the possibility of losing that relationship is quite real.  But if it’s a good relationship, once feelings and tempers have cooled, you will be just fine. Another thing to think about: If you can’t tell them about it, should it be going on in your life? If you can’t tell him where you went with your girls, should you have gone? If you have to put a password on your phone he/she doesn’t know, why should he/she trust you?  What do you have to hide? In a healthy relationship, your life should be an open book.

Most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself.  If your relationship isn’t working, be brave enough to admit it isn’t.  If you have tried everything, and done everything in your power to fix it but it’s still broken . . . It might be time to let it go.  You should also be honest about your role in your relationship.  Just because your friends have the upper hand in their relationships doesn’t mean you have to. Stop fighting who you are.

The only thing I know for sure is this is how I am choosing to live MY LIFE.  It’s made my life a lot simpler, and it’s something that I am committed to.  I’m just sharing my story, with the hope that others might find it useful or helpful.  Judge Me If You Want, I have nary a care in the world.  I’m happy.  And in the end, that is truly what matters to me.

Feel free to comment.  I hope this makes you think, or angry, or happy, or all of them.  Thank you for reading.

CSBF Vol 18: I am a Submissive Woman…. Judge If You Must {Part 1}

*Let me just say, these are MY thoughts, and opinions. If you are a regular reader of my blog, you already know how messed up I am as a person. So you should be fine with what I say next. Those of you who have never been here, continue reading at your own risk*

In a recent CSBF I spoke about being tired of playing the role of a Strong, Black, Independent Woman. This was really a prequel to the admission I am in fact, submissive by nature. It wasn’t until I wrote that blog, then had a conversation with MM, that I finally said out loud what I had been afraid to say for years; having the upper hand in a relationship doesn’t appeal to me.  There have been so many men that would have let me have my way, and do whatever I wanted, and they just didn’t appeal to me.

Clearly, this goes against most things I have said in this blog almost from the beginning. But as I have gotten older & dealt with various kinds of men, I noticed a pattern.  They were all very dominant men. They had take charge personalities, and were constantly frustrated when I tried to tell them what to do.  Be it how to program their phone, or which way to take to our destination, they would just be angry.  My compulsion to explain to them how I would handle various scenarios, and my want to make sure they understood MY point of view, was a persistent source of contention.

A part of me, blames my willingness to submit on my daddy issues. I’m almost 30 years old, and I am still looking for someone to tell me what to do. I have no scientific proof, or psychological evidence to support this theory of mine, but it makes sense to me.

submissive (adjective) {from Dictionary.com}

1. inclined or ready to submit;  unresistingly or humbly obedient
2. marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.

Now, my definition of submission (in terms of a relationship) might be different from yours, so let me try to explain it.  To me, being submissive in a relationship is not about being the lesser of the two.  But instead, humbling yourself enough to allow another person to take charge.  This means, that in a stable/healthy relationship, the submissive person is able to voice their opinion, share their thoughts, and even disagree with their significant other.

Submissiveness creates a partnership, or an understanding between the two people in the relationship.  Roles and responsibilities are discussed and presented, and those roles are adhered to until such time as more discussion is needed.  Being a submissive person isn’t about giving away all of your control, it’s about using your power in the correct way. In other words,  the willingness to submit is not actually giving up authority, but understanding the benefits of properly using your clout in the relationship.

Today, I sat in church for the first time in more than a year, and my Pastor was speaking on this subject.  Everything he said, I had just recently discovered within myself, so it was like the entire sermon was confirmation just for me.  During the sermon, several points were made that really made me see some of the relationships I have had in the past in a completely different way.

  • Woman was designed to fulfill a need inside of Adam (Man) – Genesis 2:18
  • Woman was designed to bring out the Man in Adam – Genesis 2:21

Submissive {from the Hebrew Definition}

To Line up under, for your protection.

What this said to me, is most women who have such an issue with being submissive in their relationship might not have the right man for them.  Every man has an innate need to prove their manliness.  Usually he does this by being a provider/protector.  In the age of the Independent Woman, we no longer allow men to do/be this.  “I Can do Bad All By Myself,” “I don’t need no man to tell me how to live my life, ” etc. has led to the downfall of relationships, in my opinion.  If you are with a man who feels no need to protect/provide for you, he’s probably not the right man for you.

You should also remember – according to Biblical Theory – Man and Woman were created as equals.  It was only after Eve tempted Adam God said, as a PUNISHMENT, Adam would rule over Eve. If you – like me – don’t spend every day looking at the Bible . . . you can just look at Biology.  There are very few things that a Man can do, that a Woman can’t.

It takes a certain KIND of woman to bring out the protector/provider in your man.  The Club Heauxs, and Facebook Models will give a man everything he wants.  But very few women cause a man to look for what he needs.  So if you have found such a man, why must you constantly explain to him that YOU don’t need him? He could have chosen, pursued, went after anyone, and yet he has chosen to be with you.  He wants to make your life easier.  He wants to ease your fears, and keep you safe.

As a woman, you should understand the rarity of this selection as it were, and hold on to it.  Too many times, we nag and nag and nag a man into being something he doesn’t want to be.  In a stable/healthy relationship the Man already knows who and what he is. The purpose of a relationship is not to meet someone and change them, but instead to be together, sharing like interests.  Relationships are for building character in both people, not breaking each other down.

I recently met someone who made me want to become this woman.  Meeting him also made me realize I am nowhere near ready to do this.  Being submissive means sacrificing the woman’s inherent need to nurture her mate.  To mother him, and take care of him, instead of letting it be the other way around.  If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.  The more I think about admitting that I am submissive by nature, the more I realize that I have also become closer to God in the last few months. I think there is a direct correlation between those two things, and My Awesome Pastor confirmed this for me today.

This isn’t an “Only Smart Women Submit” type of Blog.  It’s really me trying to figure this whole thing out for myself.  Submission isn’t just a biblical thing, or a relationship thing {Part 2}, or a sexual thing {Part 3}, it’s an overall decision you make for yourself.  Honestly, I’ll be 30 years old in 6 days, and I JUST figured this out.  But this revelation really has changed my outlook on future relationships.

I want to be in a relationship, not because I like hugs, but because I am quite weary of not being able to share my life experiences with someone.  It’s amazing the things you are able to admit to yourself, when life makes you sit your black arse down and evaluate who you really are.  In my journey to become a person that I like again, the path is not what I was expecting.  18 months ago, I would have lambasted a blog like this with snide comments and judgments.  Instead, I sit here writing it, not ashamed and actually hoping it sparks conversation among my friends.

As always, your thoughts are welcomed! Let me know what you think!

Happiness Vs. Contentment/The Road to Hell

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions . . . .

First time I ever heard that, I was in my apartment @ 1520 Brown St in my Senior Year of College.  I had just opened my copy of Lauryn Hill’s MTV Unplugged, and I was hella excited.  For once, my Roommate wasn’t home, and I had the house to myself.  I was sucked in from the 1st guitar strum.  I listened to the words, and was like, “Damn That’s Deep.” But I didn’t really know . . . I had No Idea what she was talking about.

We give rise to ego, by being insecure
The advice that we go desperately searching for
the subconscious effort to support our paramour
Too engaged in denial, to admit we’re immature

We all have a goal for ourselves.  We look into our future, and see what we want to be.  As a child, when people would ask me what I wanted to be, I used to say a doctor.  I could see myself in the white coat, and a brightly painted office, helping children stay well. Later in life, when everything I was doing would have made that goal too hard to reach, I looked into other things.

In my journey to find Happiness, I frequently equated it with the word Easy.  My ego was such, that everything was easy for me.  I was “Happy” because I didn’t have to work hard.  Things just came to me, and I was perfectly happy with that.  For a while, things went well . . . But the search for Happy/Easy made me change my path a myriad of times.  I have walked away from things when they became difficult, thinking whatever I went to next wouldn’t matter, because everything was Easy.

hap·py

adjective
1. delighted, pleased, or glad, as over a particular thing 

The problem in searching for Happy: you are looking for a momentary thing. Happy implies a particular state of being, not an overall feeling of Peace.

Happiness comes in so many forms, but is a very fleeting emotion.  It’s contingent upon too many things.  Are my bills paid? Does he like me? Do I feel fat? Did they call me back for that audition? Did I win that argument? If things didn’t go my way, I was very unhappy.  The search for Happiness has led me nowhere . . . .

con·tent

adjective

1. satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

All this time, I should have been looking for Contentment.  Happy is like heroin addictiton.  The first time you get it, you have to have more.  Because the buzz of Happy goes away after a while, you need it in bigger, stronger doses.  You being to search in places you would never have gone before, for just a taste.  Your Intentions, are just to make yourself  Happy.  To feel that rush, that says . . .  Yes What you just did was accepted, valued, and for a reason.  Just like the dope fiend, who steals copper for a Yellow Top {Wire Reference} you start to go to extraodinary measures just to get to Happy.

Wake up you’ve been sleeping, take up your bed and walk
Stop blaming other people, it’s nobody else’s fault
Accept the truth about you
You know that life goes on without you . . .

Today, I let go of my search for Happy.  Instead, I start my journey for Contentment.  I can start it by admitting to myself, that I need a break.  Not a Bullshit, turn off my phone for a day type break.  But a, move back in with my mother, and spend 3 months getting to know the person “The Search for Happiness” has turned me into.  Talking to some kind of God, and really understanding What and Who I want to be.

Please dont be mad with me, I have no identity
All that i’ve known is gone, all I was building on

I know now I have to face, the temptations of my past
now that i know the truth, now that its no excuse

Thank You Ms. Lauryn Hill, who even in your crazy, has helped me figure out what I want . . . .

Contentment

But I Loves Me a Big Girl Tho . . .

Okay, now we know that I have talked, at great length, about the problems that have plagued me in the dating world as a Big Girl.  I’ve discussed everything from Obesity being a Scary Word, to being told by several people that i need to Lower My Expectations because I’m fat. Please read those two blogs for background information if you need to.  For now,

Let’s discuss my complete and utter hatred for the phrase:

I Love Me a Big Girl

1) I know I’m considered a Big Girl. I embrace my Big Girl Status.  In 2011, with every Big Girl under the sun deciding that Fat is Ugly and losing weight, I kinda pride myself in being one of the last Big Girl’s standing.  Take Note, I in no way promote Morbid Obesity, but everyone wasn’t meant to be skinny.  We all know someone who used to be a Big Girl, lost all the weight, and just isn’t quite right.  Like that Lutha’ Curl Cedric the Entertainer was talking about, they just can’t quite get it together.  I don’t hate myself, I don’t hate being Fat. I don’t hate being considered Obese.  I hate that it’s the only thing you see about me.

2) As per my “Save a Horse – Ride a Big Girl” blog, I know that we are sexier than most women.  I know the sex is phenomenal, life changing even.  I know that some dudes only date Big Girls, because they know the sex is the shyt.  I don’t care.  You do what the hell you feel you need to do.  But how dare you come at me like, “The only reason you matter is because you are a Big Girl.” I’m trying to figure out exactly where the Big Girls are that fall for this, because all the ones that I know would probably punch a dude in the face if he even alluded that was the reason he was talking to her.

3) I’d love for a dude to walk up to a Skinny Bitch, and be like “Got damn girl, I love me a heaux that don’t eat food.” Or for a girl to walk up to a dude and be like, ” You walk with the Big Dick Swagger, I’m trying to holla at you.” It doesn’t matter that you’re thinking it.  It matters that you can’t keep that shit to yourself.  I know that I appeal to a certain type.  Every dude isn’t going to look at me, and be like I’m trying to hump.  But really, is that supposed to make me like you MORE? I often question men that are so quick to say they are attracted to Big Girls, because of the WAY they say it.  They say with an expectation, like I am just going to fall in love with them because they take pity on my fatness.  I could be wrong, but I honestly don’t think I am.  I have been fat for the majority of my life, some shit you just figure out.

4) Also, don’t dudes lie anymore?!?!  Like don’t you wanna pretend that you are trying to do something other than hump.  Or have we, as women, been asking for so much honesty in everything else that a man thinks it’s okay to approach you and tell you, “I’m looking for a Cutty Buddy.” Did you think that because I’m Fat, I would be okay with that?  Like oh, a man is paying attention to me.  That’s more than I usually get, so I am going to jump at this opportunity.  I just . . .

5) Gotdammit, Fat Girls everywhere, stop falling for the okey-doke.  You are more than just the fat rolls and overly lubricated Vagina.  That fat is a part of you, not the whole of you.  Stop letting these men use that as the way they describe you. “This is my Big Girl *insert name here*. She is cute for a Big Girl ain’t she.” No Mu’Fucka, I’m cute got dammit.  I’m not cute for a fat girl!

6) Are there some things we probably all want/need to chage about ourselves? Yes.

But that doesn’t mean that you need to go from a size 24, to a size two.  I can tell you right now, I will NEVER see a single digit size.  Not because I don’t think it’s possible, but because I don’t want to be that small.

Am I going to go back to the gym, and meet with the really sexy Mexican trainer that was my motivation to go to the gym? Yes.

But I’m not there to suddently have a happy life because I’m not fat anymore.

Skinny only Equals Happiness for Rich White People.

I will never be that.  When I tell you I am so pissed off.  Not even so much that men think it’s okay to say things like that.  It’s moreso that we, as Big Girls, Skinny Girls, Tall Girls, Short Girls, Black girls, White Girls, Crippled Girls, Deaf Girls, Slutty Girls have allowed these labels to continue to define us.   I know that looks matter, and so does physical attraction, but . . .

That’s. Not. All.

I couldn’t even make the effort to try to explain to this 25-year-old Man, who came from Philly, to live with his mother, who met me as I was getting out of my CAR, while he was standing at a gas station looking like a bum, and talked to me about me going to WORK at 7 in the morning, WHY I was insulted.

I REFUSE to take what the hell is handed to me.  I am not going to drink the “Fat Girl” Koolaid……

….and neither The FUCK should you!

Your Thoughts?

Black Girl Pain – Life Support . . .

As part of my unofficial Dealing with Depression Series, I want to talk to you about Support Systems, and why they are so important to making you who and what you are.  This is going to be broken into sections, because my view of support systems, and what they consist of is based on my life and my life only.  I’m not a psychologist.  I’m just telling you what I know, what I think, and what I wish other people would understand.  Feel free to disagree with me, dialogue is important!

What is a Support System?

The people who have your back no matter what.  I’m not talking about the boys you go out to the club with, or your girls at work.  I’m talking about the people that keep you sane, and make you think.  The people that question you, and your decisions. Not because they think you are stupid, but because at the end of the day, they want to make sure you are going to be okay.

When I was younger, I thought everyone had a support system.  I thought every family was like the Henry Family.  A family that consisted of strong men, who wore suits everyday, and went to work everyday.  Men who graduated from college, and supported their family.  Women who were college educated, and made career choices based on their skill level, not just what was available.  Women who made sure their children got the best of everything, and understood their worth as individuals.  In the bubble that is the Henry Family, that was the STANDARD. Not the Exception.

Because my family was raised around like minded people, that is all I saw.  There were 5 or 6 huge families at my childhood church.  They all were raised in the same way, thought the same way, and lived their lives the way we did.  When I was younger, my whole life was Littlefield St and True Love Missionary Baptist Church.  I was extremely sheltered from the Real World, and as I get older, I am so pleased that I was.

The Real World . . .

is SCARY.  There are all kinds of people who are out there to hurt you.  So yes, I stayed inside my bubble that was cultivated just for me.  It wasn’t until I got to public high school that I found out that people who said they were your friend would actually stab you in the back.  I’m a very naive person, because I intrinsically believe that people are good.  Even though I know that bad exists, I was raised to be a GOOD PERSON.  I was raised to do the right thing, even if you don’t end up winning.

I Was Raised . . .

and not everyone was.  Your first Support System should be your parents.  They are the people that instill the first set of values in you.  Those core values, that you take with you for the rest of your life.  These are the lessons that should explain the ways of the world to you.  But what if your parents aren’t there for you? What if their priority was each other, or drugs, or alcohol? What if through no fault of your own, your parents just weren’t there?

Then you have had no form of guidance.  You have no way to figure out what is right or wrong.  OR, your perception of Right Vs. Wrong is easily viewed based on your survival. OR, your perception of Good and Evil is based on what you observed in your youth. You might do things that are not necessarily legal because you need to eat, or you have to take care of your younger siblings, or you need a roof over your head for the night. You might completely violate the boundaries of another person, and not understand why they are so upset.  How you see the world is most often based on the World You Have Seen . . .

Survival of the Fittest

Those who make it prosper, those who don’t will have a hard life.  This isn’t to say that everyone can’t make it.  But those that rise above to overcome usually have found a reliable support system.  Sometimes, your friends can be the family you never had.  Sometimes, your extended family treats you better than the people that should biologically care the most about you.

The point is, if you want to survive you will.  I recently asked a friend who his support system was, he could only think of one person.  He has been supporting himself for so long, he stopped relying on others.  Honestly, he’s one of the most well adjusted people that I know, except for one area of his life. But the area causes him the most problems, is based almost solely on the lack of a support system.

After You’ve Done all You Can

I have lots of friends, who feel that Jesus is the only form of Support you need in your life.  Feeling there is a higher power who has some input in the happenings of your life didn’t just start with Christians.  It’s been around for quite sometime.  Celestial Support Systems are great, if you are actually dedicated to them.

I’ve seen lots of folk who only ask for support during the bad times, and give themselves all the credit when things are going great. Whether you believe in The Secret, The Bible, Wicca, or the Qur’an: use that belief to lift people up and support them. Don’t use it to tear people down.

The Point of it All . . . .

is knowing that you NEED a support system.  System implies that there is more than one person involved.  I have some friends that I can tell everything and have no fear of being judged.  Some friends that I have to only tell certain parts of my life. I have the FaceBook 40 aka #FGSSUM07, a group of people that I would have never dealt with had it not been for the Internet.  I have Sorority Sisters and Frat Brothers, Twitter Friends and GChat Buddies.  I have friends that became family, and family that became friends.

I am truly grateful that I have a system of people that support me.  That worry about me, and want the best from me.  Yes, at times it can be a pain in the ass, but more often than the not, it’s a blessing.  Because even within my Support System I have friends who have never been as lucky as I am.

. . . Each One Reach One . . .

We often find it easy to walk away from people when things aren’t working out.  To end 10 year relationships because we aren’t getting our way.  Just remember, if that person was once a major part of your life, you might have been part of theirs. You don’t want to leave them rolling around looking for that Piece of Themselves that was lost in the fight. . .