Tag Archive | Alicia Keys

Words and Sounds of My Life: The College Years

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So thanks to Spotify, I had the best flashback to my college years today. Some of the best memories I have in life have been associated to college, and the music that was popular at the time.  Since I can’t just comment on all the songs that were in thei playlist, I’m going to talk about 5 of my favorite. Let’s get it started.

 

If you can listen to this song, and not HAVE to move your body, you are not only dead inside, but you might actually be dead.  This album came out my Sophomore year, and I can tell you right now, my suitemates probably hate Limp Bizkit to this day! Cuz this was my wake-up music . . . For my 8:00am classes.  Every day. For an entire semester.  I was an asshole, I’m able to admit that now.  I was also going through a DEEP depression at the time.  Limp Bizkit was all about the angry white girl who lived inside me – Meeghan – needing to yell and scream and be angry about her life.  Plus, this song GOES. Every single verse on this song is A+ . . . And the BEAT!!! I mean really!

 

Remember the first time you heard this song? For me, it was the summer before Junior year, riding in Jigga’s car on the way back to campus.  I was working in the UD Bakery, and HAD to have this song on the next Mix CD he was going to make for me.  The fact that she was so young, and so talented, we all knew she was going to blow up.  I went to Napster (DAMN YOU METALLICA YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!) and searched for any and everything she had out.  When the album finally dropped, we played it non-stop.  I knew every song on that album by heart – the vocalizations, the harmonies, the ad-libs – and tried to sing every song perfectly.  This was before the cyst on my vocal chords cock-blocked my quest to audition for American Idol. This was also the summer I was dumb enough to fall back in love with TBTLINY . . . Ahhh youth.

 

Again, Sophomore Year.  When we watched TRL relentlessly, just to see if *NSYNC or BSB was going to be in the top spot. This album was when I realized a) there were 5 people in the group  b) but I only knew what 2 of them sounded like and c) That Justin had to date Black Girls on the Low-Low.  He had WAAAAAAAAY too much soul on Just Got Paid.  That Just Got Paid was even on the album in the first place…. I would also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Holy War my suitemates and I had with the Girls down the hall, who were HUGE BSB fans. Like, they had posters on their front door counting down until Black & Blue came out, then when it came out they made a Birth Announcement.  Those girls were crazy,and we messed with them the whole year.  Walking down the hall singing *NSYNC songs at the top of our lungs, or moving stuff on their door.  I don’t think we did actual damage . . . I don’t THINK we did.

 

Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.  I STILL love this song.  My favorite memory of this song is actually tied to a kid I used to babysit that went to the child care center on campus.  One day, while I was changing his diaper in the room, the radio was on.  Of course I was singing, and when I got to the chorus, he thought the Whoooooo was like the best thing to ever happen in his life! He laughed and laughed, and any time I saw him for the rest of the year he would look up to me, waiting for me to say “I’m sorry Ms. Jackson. . .” Just so he could do the Whoooooooooo.  That kid was awesome!

This goes out to Santos Santiago Manuel Pabon.  This was HIS Favorite Song, like of ever of life.  At every Greek party, Meringue Night, BATU House Party, Santos was going to request this song.  I’m not quite sure WHY it was his favorite song, but the smile on his face every single time it played was EVERYTHING. This beautiful kid from Puerto Rico, with more hair products than most girls I knew, was one of my BEST friends while he was at UD.  I sometimes wonder where he is, and what he’s doing with his life.  I picture him as a Doctor, working with his dad, changing lives.  Every time I hear this song, I say out loud, “Awwwww Santos!”

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Thank you for joining my on this trip down UD Memory Lane.  I’m sure I’ll be doing this again some time in the near future.

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Have You No Couth?!?!? – Things that Pissed Me the F*ck Off in 2010

Last Year 2 years ago, I wrote a blog about all the things that had happened in 2009 that pissed me off.  For a recap click here —> http://bit.ly/fxfOnU <—– I will do the same now.  Except, there is alot more stuff that pissed me off, and I am going to try my hardest to offend at LEAST 5 people.  If I offend you, please let me know.  I like to know when I have reached my goals.  So without further ado, Here is My List of Things that Pissed Me the Fuck Off in 2010 .  .  .

Famous Ass Homewreaking Whores

We all know, as a confessed former Side Chick, I can’t really talk about folks that cheat, except, I’m finna.  Alicia Keys, Gabrielle Union, Fantasia Barrino, That Bish John Edward’s got pregnant, that tattooed Nazi Bish that was Humping on Jesse James, all of Tiger Wood’s Heauxs . . . CLEARLY this list is never ending.  2010 was the year of the Side Chick Come Up.  Folks getting TV Shows, and book deals, all because they had the wherewithall to suck a dcik. Never in my 28 years would I have thought that I would see the day when being a lying, cheating, whore would be something that made other people famous.

Alicia Keys got a beaknosed baby and a Gonzo-Looking husband out of the deal.  Gabby Union gets to go to basketball games for free. The Tattooed Nazi Bish got all kinda of magazine ad’s and free publicity for her website, Tiger’s Woods main heaux is currently on Celebrity Rehab for Love Addition. {Pause: What the FUCK is Love Addiction? How is that even a disease that needs to be cured? I love you Dr. Drew, but really?} Sadly, all Fantasia got was an ugly ass Nupe, 4 Grammy nominations, and her show getting cancelled.  At least she got proven in court to not “really” be a homewreaker. Didn’t really see that blasted all over the news though, did you? Speaking of which . . .

The Racist Ass Media

I already have issues with the media because I’m not a part of it.  But 2010 was SURELY the year of biased ass news coverage regarding the plight of the famous.  The first clue for me that the media was horribly racist was the converage of the Tiger Woods Debacle.  Yes, it started in 2009, but it just kept getting bigger and bigger.  He wasn’t the first sports figure to be a whore while he was married, but he was the first Black Man who got caught by his white wife cuz he was humping white girls all over the country.

The vilification of Michael Vick, even after he served his time in prison, is another example. Tucker “Closested Bigot” Carlson said he should be executed for his crimes? For making dogs fight each other.  MuthaFucka for real? For killing Dogs? He got more time in jail for killing dogs than Ben Roethlesberger got interviewed for being accused of rape.

Fox News and their coverage of President Obama is another GLARING example of how racism is becoming the back bone of all kinds of media coverage. The fact that he is almost never referred to as President Obama, but instead of as Barack or just Obama is so damn disrespectful! It’s not just Fox News that does it, other media outlets do as well.  

They always talk about the things he hasn’t gotten done, but never discuss what he HAS gotten accomplished.  If you would like to know what he’s done so far click here —> http://bit.ly/eN4058 <—— I could rant for daaaaaaaays about this, but then I wouldn’t have to talk about how the Media and the Law refuses to leave Kwame the FCUK alone . . . .

LEAVE KWAME THE FCUK ALONE

The man had a party that was his ultimate downfall.  Every TRUE Detroiter knows someone who was actually at the party. Half the gotdamn city was there.  Yes, Carlita punched some heaux in the face for giving her man a lapdance.  Yes, Kwame did some shady stuff while he was in office.  Yes, his father is a douchebag. Yes, he should pay back the city for the money they spent to cover up his lie.  But must we really spend our entire life, Kym “Pissed cuz Kwame didn’t want me” Worthy, to bring the man down.  He really can’t get no lower.  What’s the point now? I mean really, he doesn’t have any more money to give, he will never be able to run for office anywhere? Are we trying to take the man’s dignity and will to live at this point? Note: If he really did get that girl killed, he deserves to sit in prison for the rest of his life. But I’m so damn tired of hearing about how horrible a person Kwame is!

Famous Black Men continuing to Fcuk Up

Seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY. Between T.I and Chris Brown, light skinned men don’t got no role models right now.  You spent an entire year redeeming yourself from some admittedly fcuked up mistakes on your part, only to stick your foot in your mouth less than a  year later.

T.I: SIR. Really, dental work turned you into a drug addict? Why did you get your teeth fixed in the first damn place? Your fans don’t give a hell you had chicklet teeth.  We thought it was cute. But your teeth were hurting so you had 50 Ecstasy pills and weed in your Maybach. Because that makes sense . . . It does. When you get out of jail this time, just sit your Beige ass down somewhere.

Chris Brown: You know I love you.  I STAN for you. I have written several blogs regarding my love for you, but if you don’t get your light skinned dancing ass off Twitter, you are never going to be able to make a record people pay for again.  Yes, I know that RazBerry was baiting you and he was being a douche, but you NEVER NEVER NEVER get back at an asshole by talking about their claims of rape or molestation.  

You beat up RiRi Five Head, we saw the pictures.  He was trying to get people to pay attention to him, becuase the 4 youtube plays didn’t work. You played right into his hands.  Now the Racist Ass Media has you looking like a Homophobe. I will admit though, calling him a Peter Pan Dcik in the Booty Azz Boy was HIGHLARIOUS. Get rid of your twitter Hunny, I love you too much to see you fail.

Kanye: Shut the Fcuk Up. Don’t talk, ever on TV. Ever. Just make beats and albums, and SHUT THE FCUK UP.

Republicans

Not all Republicans are evil, but the majority of them are dumb as hell.  Their view of the world is so skewed it’s like when they talk they see a different place.  The growing popularity of the Tea Party Movement and their racist propaganda {that is largely ignored by the mainsteam media} scares the shit outta me. The fact that Sarah “I can see Russia from my House” Palin has a fighting chance at being a candidate for President in 2012 just makes me want to scream.

Sadly, the thing that I find the most frustrating is also something I think Black Folks and Democrats could learn from.  Their singular focus on meeting whatever goal it is they have has turned a Moment of Change into a Whimper of Hope. They have made this country miserable for 10 years, and it ain’t lookin’ too good for getting better anytime soon.

John Edwards

Dear John Edwards, Fcuk You. You seem to be the epitome of having no couth in 2010. Not only did you cheat on your wife while she was dying of Cancer, but before she died or you had gotten a divorce, you were planning your new life with the bish you knocked up? I mean really, picking out wedding venues? Were you planing on paying for the event with the life insurance from the policy you had on Elizabeth? The only thing that makes me smile is know that you will NEVER be able to run for a public office, because women across the country hate your stinking GUTS. With Utter Disdain, Me.

SubPar Singers

Yes, I’m talking to you Ciara, Keyshia, Rihanna, and Keri. I feel like, maybe if you guys formed a super group of half nekkid dancing bishes you might get more album sales.  You can let Soulja Boi rap on half the songs, and help his stupid ass out too.

Keyshia: I know your life was hard, but you have GOT to stop singing like your screech is gonna take you to the promise land.  You need to get back to the Keyshia Cole that TuPac told people was going to be a famous singer at 9. Stop trying to be like everyone else, and be yourself. Also, stop with the Tattoos, it’s not now nor will it ever be cute.

Ciara: We know you can dance, we get it. We also know you have a STRONG ass jaw.  This doesn’t help the fact that you couldn’t sing on key if your life depended on it.  I just really need you to get a vocal couch and just BREATHE. Also, please do me a favor and tell Kim K to stick to helping black men win championships with her vajayjay. No one wants to hear her sing . . . NO ONE.

Keri: Go back to writing songs.

Rihanna: I JUST figured out that you were from an island.  You should go back there, and like un-learn the RiRi Five Head Yodel.  This is not to say that you don’t have some catchy ass songs.  I have about 10 of your songs on my phone right now {Oh Na Na . . .hWhat’s My Name}. But you need to do better. Also, just because your BFF is Katy Perry, it doesn’t mean you can have Red Hair. It’s not okay.

Stupid People on Twitter

Lastly, let’s discuss the stupid people on twitter.  It’s not just random people I don’t know, it’s also famous people who say the most ignorant shit.  I have lost respect for so many people just based on the things they tweet.  #SelvesofSteam {Self esteem} #DefenseMagnesium {Defense Mechanism} #LactoseandTolerants {Lactose Intolerant}. That is just the tip of the Iceburg.  This year has truly shown me how important my education is to me, and how far we have to go as a people regarding common damn sense.  For a full overview of the 25 Dumbest Tweets of 2010 click here —-> http://bit.ly/fQuVPj <—–

There is more from 2010 that I could comment on, and I may come back and add to this.  But right now, it’s also 7 in the AM, and this is all I care to discuss.  Feel free to share things that bothered you this year too!

Happy New Year Guys!

This Right Here’s a Panty Dropper: R&B/Soul in 2010

Best Song on the Album: Bodies

By FAR the Best Album of 2010 {in any catergory} Is Cee-lo’s The Lady Killer.  This album was so good, I actually paid for it because I wanted the album art.  It’s Soul, R&B, Hip-Hop, Old School all in one.  It tells a story from beginning to end. I highly recommend the purchase of this album.

Favorite Song on the Album: The Other Side ft. Cee-Lo and B.O.B

Bruno Mars has been all over EVERYWHERE this year, and with good reason.  His album, Doo Wops & Hooligans, was the most complete album I heard this year.  Besides the fact that his voice is immaculate, and his production skils are impeccible, this is one of the FEW albums that I can play all the way through without skipping a song. He didn’t stick to one genre, but he moved around seamlessly.  Kudo’s Mr. Mars, now if you could just get off that Nose Candy . . .0_o

Favorite Song on the Album: In Another Time

Sade has been around since I was a little kid.  I actually went to school with her daughter when she came to Detroit in 1985 or 1986 to record an album.  But The BAND’s music stays timeless.  *Little Known Fact: The Band is named Sade, the singer’s name is Helen* This years release, Soldier of Love, is one of those albums that you put on, and just think about your path in life. It’s a very healing kind of record. {Except that song BabyFather, what the F*ck is that song in there for?}

Favorite Song on the Album: The Worst is Over

Laura Izabor is a little known singer from overseas.  But those of us who know her, LOVE HER.  Her album, Let the Truth Be Told, is such a mellow and grown up kind of album.  She has a very smooth/soulful voice.  With the right marketing, she could be a very big artist over here.

Best & Favorite Song on the Album: When a Woman Loves

Before you say anything, I know he peed on an under-aged girl.  But in the words of Riley, “If you don’t wanna get peed on, you move.” Back to the MUSIC. Love Letter is so freaking awesome.  It’s R. Kelly the Grown Man, singing his heart out.  He shows his vocal range in the damn Intro. Judge Me If you Want, I will stay bumping this album for the rest of this year right on into the next.

Favorite Song on any of the albums: Shoes from In My Zone

Bet you thought Breezy would be first on my list didn’t you. I will admit, based solely on Volume of music put out in a year, he should be on top. 1 Studio album, and 3 Mixtapes . . . and his hit single of the year came from a mixtape that was FREE. This trend of artist’s having mixtapes better than their albums is so strange.  Either way, Chris Brown made his presence known this year, in a big way.  #TeamBreezy


Best Song of the Album: Out My Mind, Just in Time

We all know Badu is the TRUTH. But this album, New Amerykah Part 2: Return of the Ankh, took me back to the days of Mama’s Gun. The controversery surrounding the “Window Seat” video shoot alone let me know that Erykah was going to be at her best.  Another album that tells a story, and can be listened to all the way through.  I see you Erykah.

Best Song of the Album: I Can’t Write Left Handed {Originally sung by Bill Withers}

John Legend’s HORRIBLE Hairline aside, he has the voice of a 1960’s soul singer. Teaming up with the Roots for this years, WAKE UP!, was a genius idea.  All live instrumentation, and live recording this is a cry out to a generation that seems to be missing the point.  The fact that these are covers of songs from 40+ years ago, and yet they are still relevant should say a lot about the state of the world.

Best Song of the Album: It’s in the Mornin’ ft Snoop Dogg

There wasn’t much “Get your Freak on” music released this year {Will of Day26’s Sextape will be featured in the MixTape Blog}.  Select tracks on a few albums, but nothing that really spoke to my soul . . . Until Robin Thicke’s Sex Therapy: The Experience came out. The Interludes took me there and the actual tracks just kept me going. I bet Jon B is PISSED right now, Robin just stole all his thunder.

Favorite Song on the Album: Love You Long Time

Jazmine Sullivan came in at the end of the year, but that doesn’t make her album any less great. On Love Me Back, she still has the gruff voice that made people fall in love with her in the first place, but thankfully she is less, “Bust Yo’ Windows” and more “I’m too old for this BS.” This album has a very good balance of faster paced songs and ballad.  Well done Ms. Jazmine.

Cant forget some of the other albums/tracks that just spoke to me, even if the album wasn’t on point…

Whip My Hair – Willow “Sh*ttin’ on Grown Women” Smith

Nobody Wins a War – Raheem DeVaughn ft Dwele, Jill Scott, Ledisi and like 4011 other Neo-Soul artists

Love is Blind – Alicia “Please forget a stole a woman’s husband” Keys

Bittersweet – Fantasia “Yes, I stole yo’ Nupe” Barinno

I Hope She Cheats on You – Marsha “I can yodel and make it sexy” Ambrosuis

Four Women – Jill Scott, Ledisi, Kelly Price, and Marsha Ambrosius

Confessions of a Single Black Female Vol 12: You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind…

I can’t even try to count the number of men I have had a crush on in my life.  Hell, freshman year of college was at least 12.  Men are and always have been there, in the corner of my eye, on my mind in some way, shape, form, or fashion.  I had my first boyfriend (Christopher Allen Greer)  in PRE-SCHOOL!! He was in Kindergarten, and we got in trouble for kissing on the indoor monkey bars.

In the Story of my Life, there are only 3 men that made an impact to the point that I can STILL remember our first meeting, the first time we touched, and how I felt when they broke my heart.  Because all of them did.  Maybe they didn’t mean to, but they did.  My recent trip home, while filled with laughter and merriment was also been filled with some soul-searching and letting things/people go.  I had to see a few people, and realize that I had moved on, even though I didn’t know I had.

Angel of Mine

When I was 12, I fell in love with a Boy. He was no ordinary boy, he was almost a man.  On the cusp of becoming a grown-up.  He made me laugh, he talked to me when I talked to him, and we bounded over our mutual love of Bone Thugs in Harmony. (I remember while writing this, he is the Reason I liked them). He was the first man I ever found sexually attractive. The first time I saw him, I felt something in a place I didn’t know existed.

Watching him walk, all the pent-up anger/frustration making his muscle bunch and release whenever he made a move. If I had to compare his gait to any animal it would be a cougar. Halting and yet fluid. I did all kinds of things to get him to notice me, but he was 17.  He couldn’t see me………. But I still remember how I used to feel when he did pay attention to me. That rush of adrenaline, that hope that maybe this time is going to be the one that makes him stay and converse for hours like I want to. He was my 1st Crush and my first case of Puppy Love . . .

I Keep On Fallin’ . . . .

I met who I still consider to be my Soulmate when I was 18. The connection was instantaneous. There was no question about how we felt about each other. It was like we had spent our entire lives waiting for confirmation that someone else existed that understood us. From the food we liked to eat to the songs we sang in the shower we were completely in sync with each other.  We plotted out our children’s names. Where we were going to live, the kind of jobs we would have. Our future was waiting for us to conquer it.

I loved him in a way I didn’t even think was possible. Crazy as this sounds, I loved him more than I loved myself. He knew it, so did I and we were just fine with that.  The first time we broke up, I can remember screaming so loud that my next door neighbor knocked on the door to see if someone was attacking me. I took a shower for two hours. Sang the entire “One Wish” album by Deborah Cox three times. I slipped into what I later realized was clinical depression.

And yet, when he came back we started all over again. It was a crazy type of relationship. Emotionally draining and yet filling at the same time. Over time, our relationship turned into friendship. He’s still my soulmate, just changed the connotation of the word. He knows me better than I know myself. I look for pieces of him in almost man I pursue. But nothing will ever compare to that first connection……..

I Don’t Wanna Let You See . . . . .

The One that Got Away. The first time we met it was because I was yelling at him. He came into my world and tried to challenge everything that I had built and cultivated in a three-year period. Who would have the audacity, the unmitigated gall to step up and criticize me?!?!? I took his attack hella personal. But oh when I saw him,  Good Lord!  I forgot to be mad. He was the Epitome of Good Black Man. Smart, sexy, ambitious. He knew where he was going. It was up to you to either catch up or get left behind. I ran like a mu’fucka. I was NOT gonna be left behind.

In the back of my mind, I always thought we would end up together. Thinking about it now, I don’t think we ever discussed relationship type things. It was unspoken. Everyone in our immediate circle knew it. We knew it, at least I think we did. We just fit together. Physically and mentally, he aroused me and challenged me without being over bearing or blatant about it. I wanted to be there to see him succeed, to see him come into his own and be the Man I knew he would be.

If Only………..They say everything happens for a reason, but I often wonder where we would have ended up if I had been vocal about what I wanted instead of assuming he knew? What if he had come to visit for my birthday that year?  I loved him, with a gentle kind of love that would have lasted 60+ years. I went a long time without seeing him. Partially because we don’t live near each other anymore, but more because I knew that I wasn’t ready to see him yet. My heart was still a little bruised and no one was to blame but me. . . . .

You’re Just Runnin’ ‘Cross My Mind . . . .

We all sometimes look back at our lives and think about what might have been.  In the area of Love/Relationships I have often looked back to see the mistakes I’ve made, in order to not make the same mistakes again.  Trying to navigate this new relationship, I can’t help but look back into the old ones.  Fear of Failure at something that has become an important investment to me is compelling me to think about my past.  Thankfully, I look back at these three men with smiles, not tears.  They all taught me something about Life, Love, and Myself.  So every time they ‘Cross My Mind I’m thankful they were in my life, and even more thankful that they still are.

Confessions of a Single Black Female Volume 8: The Definition of a Heaux – A Tutorial

I have been formulating this note for quite some time. Imagine my surprise when my darling Brother in Blue, Esoteric Eric wrote my note!>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Click here for his note<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

No Promo

Of course, his Note is from the Male Perspective. But it’s important to have two different views on the same subject. This blog was originally going to be written after I realized that the size of my breasts made certain people think I was easy. Then I was going to write it when a guy approached me in the club and said I was sexy, “For a Biggun.” Both time, I wasn’t able to be objective. However, since my move to the desolate wasteland that is 11 months without appropriate male contact, I am more than able to state my thoughts on the subject. {The Globetrotter doesn’t count folks, it was soooooo wrong}

To Heaux or not To Heaux, That is the Question

For starters, there are many different kinds of heauxs. We use the spelling Heaux to make it seem a tab bit more elegant, but we mean Hoe, Ho’, and all other variations of that word. Today, we are going to touch on 5 different types of Heauxs. While my opinion might differ from yours, these findings are based on years of observation and interaction with Heauxs. Keep in mind, Heauxs are EVERYWHERE. The first Heaux we are going to tackle, The Club Heaux.

The Club Heaux The Club Heaux is a myth. She presents herself as put together, and about her business. But her only business is making sure she can get a man, or your man, to take care of her. She will never buy a drink for herself, never cook you a meal, never pay to get into the club. But, she does have a Phat Ass. She knows all the bartenders, bouncers, and DJ’s. She always has a free ticket to every sporting event, and can give you a list of famous and infamous people she has been with.

Strengths: Wearing Clothes but looking Naked, Drinking whole bottles of Moscato in less than 5 minutes, Swallowing an entire Sprite Can.

Weaknesses: Can’t keep a Job, Will take your Man, Will take your Girl, Thinks she’s a model

Role Models: Lil’ Kim, Foxy Brown, Tila Tequilla

All Hail the Queen
The Aging HeauxThe Aging Heaux is a bit of a puzzle. Back in the day, she was the best of the Club Heauxs. But 30 came and went, and she had to take her game to a different level. This is the Heaux who realized that you have to find security, you can’t just go from man to man. Her new target, Club OWNERS, Plant Workers, Sports Players. Because the random dude in the club isn’t going to pay for those $1500 weaves she has to buy because her hair is thinning. The Aging Heaux has different priorities. She needs a stable care-giver, not a fly by night type of lover. She has bills, and most likely children that need to be taken care of. She only hits the club scene for special events. She instead hits the Fireman’s Balls, the Undertaker’s Conventions, and the Policeman’s Yearly Fundraiser. Because a Pension trumps that $100 she paid for that ticket.

Strengths: Street Smart, Owns at least one formal piece of clothing. Can talk her way into almost anything

Weaknesses: Her Credit, Her Saggy Breasts, Her Shady Baby’s Father

Role Models: TMS, Tyra Banks, Vivica {The Queen of the Aging Heauxs)

Really? Hottest Rapper Out Right Now?
The Young HeauxThe Young Heaux is new to the scene. She may not even be out of high school yet, but she is honing her Heaux-Like skills already. The Young Heaux is often times mistaken for The Misguided Heaux { more on her later} but TYH knows exactly what she is doing. Her plan, to be as popular as possible as quickly as possible. If she has to be involved in a Circle Jerk with the entire Basketball Team, so be it. But at least they will know her name. In the mind of the Young Heaux, Any Publicity is Good Publicity is Good Publicity. She has a part time job, to keep herself in the the latest gear, because she hasn’t figured out how to make someone pay for it – yet. The Young Heaux WILL turn into a Club Heaux without proper intervention.

Strengths: Still in school even though she skips class 50% of the time, Knows the Value of Hard Work {in various forms}, Can still be Saved

Weaknesses: No Guidance, Sexual inexperience, doesn’t know the definition of a Lady

Role Models: Nicky Minaj

Please watch Sex Rehab w/ Dr. Drew on VH1
The Misguided HeauxThe Misguided Heaux is a lost lil’ lamb. She doesn’t always know why she is acting like a Heaux, it just happens. Often times, the Misguided Heaux has some kind of severe sexual trauma in her part {known or unknown} and this severely damages who they are. Their entire sexual make-up is changed. The Misguided Heaux seeks affection from whoever is closest to her. She acts out sexually, is often times judgmental and critical of others, even if they are exhibiting the exact same behavior she is. The root of her Heaux status is not the need to be promiscuous, but the need for attention, affection, and acceptance.

Strengths: Actually knows she needs help, Can Function Normally sometimes

Weaknesses: Low Self Esteem, Denial, Guilt, Cyclical Behavior

Role Models: None

You Mad Huh?
The Heaux that Took Your ManThe Heaux that Took Your Man is a foul bitch, huh? She just stole him right out of your hands!?! You were blindsided by that Heaux! Or, did she take your man because you couldn’t hold on to him? The Heaux that Took Your Man, isn’t really a Heaux at all. She just did something that you couldn’t. You could actually learn something from the Heaux that Took Your Man. Something about her worked, while something about you didn’t. No, Confessions of a Single Black Female, doesn’t condone Man Stealing Heauxs. We do, however, understand that The Heaux that Took Your Man, works harder than you. She was on her GRIND. She saw your man, saw his untapped potential, and got in where the F*ck she fit in!

Strengths: Smarter Than You, Hard-working, Goal Oriented, A Real Go-Getter

Weaknesses: Makes bad Relationship Choices, Does not understand the 80/20 Rule, Low Self Esteem, Has Tunnel Vision

Role Models: Alicia Keys, Denise Richards, Rocsi from 106 and Park, Angelina Jolie, that Chick that had John Edward’s Baby, etc

She was the Main Heaux, if you know your D-Town History. Carlotta was really the Heaux that Took Her Man . . .
The Heauxfessional

Lest we not forget, the greatest Heaux of them all, the Heauxfessional. She got her Job, being a good Heaux. The Heauxfessional has brains, and beauty, and drive. She is the amalgamation of all things Heaux. Often times, she turns into the Heaux that Took Your Man. She is in a high level position, and is known in certain circles as the premier Heauxfessional. She’s good at her job, that is how she keeps it. The problem with the Heauxfessional, she often times talks to friends, and messes it up for herself, and everyone around her. Be careful of the Heauxfessional, she can ruin your life.

Best Places to Find a Heaux-Fessional: The Detroit Yacht Club, Sorority Fundraisers, Fraternity Fundraisers, any Black Tie Event {$100 ticket or more} Washington D.C., New York City, Detroit

Strengths: Business Savvy, Always in the Right Place at the Right Time, Well Connected

Weaknesses: Her hatin’ ass Best Friend, Kym Worthy, Her Big Mouth

Role Models: Christine Beatty, Monica Conyers, Monica Lewinski, the guy that outted Governor McGreevy

We at Confessions of a Single Black Female hope this tutorial helped you to properly identify the Heauxs around you. Maybe reading this will lead you to help a Young or Misguided Heaux. Maybe it help to Identify yourself, as an Aging or a Club Heaux. We at Confessions of a Single Black Female are here to help you!

Questions? Comments? Concerns? All are Welcomed and Appreciated