Tag Archive | Angry Black Woman

I Can’t Drink You Away….

This blog MIGHT be all over the place (kinda like my emotions right now) but I promise there is a central theme.

*******Avengers: Infinity War Spoilers********

We all said, nothing can ever be better than Black Panther. I THINK we were wrong. This movie is just….. So first off, FUCK THANOS. His entire existence just ruined my life. For a myriad of reasons. The last 20 mins of that movie are 1000000000 times worse than the Red Wedding episode of GOT.

But what has me awake at 4:30am like I don’t have shit to do in 3 hours, is the relationship between Thanos & Gamora.

He stole her, after he destroyed half of her planet’s inhabitants. He killed her mother, and told her it had to happen that way. He then trained her to be a deadly assassin who traveled the world killing for him. Because he’s an ASSHOLE.

Even though Gamora swore she hated him, when she *thought* she had actually killed him it tore her apart. Like broke her all the way down. Because even after all the abuse, and hate, and self-loathing, that was her FATHER. Every girl just wants a Daddy.

My life is in chaos right now. I reached out to my father, who has more than enough money to help me deal with this situation. It’s an unexpected life altering event, right as I took 2 months (unpaid) FMLA off to help my mom.

I knew he was going to say no. I knew it in my soul. I told my mom he was going to say no. He did. I wasn’t even shocked. I had already been working on another solution to the problem. He has never helped me out in a crisis. He has actually caused the last 2. And yet…..I asked. At 36, I still held an impossibly small piece of hope he would come through for me.

Because that’s what parents are supposed to fucking do – Help their children in times of need. That’s what our relationship was until I was around 12. The spoiled girl who was pampered and NEVER told no until she started gaining weight……she didn’t understand why the relationship just changed. It went from fun to weight control and walking 4 miles a day in the Arizona heat. I didn’t handle the transition well, because I wasn’t prepared for it.

My Hero. That’s who and what I used to think my father was. You couldn’t tell me shit bad about him. And due to his “strict religious and moral beliefs,” he would of course never lie to me or hurt me. Because that’s what the Bible says. But not the Good Reverend. That nigga worked 50 years to push his kids out the house at 18, and tell them to fend for themselves. Because that’s HIS moral obligation. Now, where this supposed code came from, I don’t know.

It took me way too long to understand this code of ethics even existed. [Partially due to my mother’s parenting style, because she’s the best mom ever] I was used to having a need, telling my primary parent at the moment, and getting what I needed. Some people called it spoiled…not sure why. Some part of me still felt, even after all the times he had disappointed me – if I can just explain why it’s so urgent that I need his help, he won’t say no then. I keep banging my head up against this emotional wall.

Always leaving a door open, or a window slightly cracked hoping he will be different this time. Because I never felt more loved and appreciated than when I used to go visit my father in Tucson and Pittsburgh. I still crave that….feeling. I write about wanting that all the time. Thanks to therapy, I know the root of that. But this blog isn’t REALLY about my daddy issues.

I know, insanity. The kid inside of me always feels so less than when dealing with him, because I’m still trying to get him to:

  • Acknowledge that parenthood doesn’t end when your children reach 18.
  • HELP ME GOT DAMMIT

Back briefly to Avengers.

In order for Thanos to reach one of his final goals, he LITERALLY threw Gamora over a cliff, and killed her. I started crying right then. Because GOTDAMN! Gamora’s face as she was falling, throwing out her hands and hoping by some miracle he would save her in the last minutes…….

It was like seeing myself on screen. (This conclusion is why I’m still awake right now) Every time I call my father specifically for his help, I’m hanging off the cliff holding on for dear life. He reaches down, and lifts each finger off, while telling me something about budgeting for unexpected events.

That’s how I see my dad. I paid the mortgage on a house that was in his name for 4 years, for him to tell me if I didn’t let my DEADBEAT ASS SISTER move in (and pay no rent or contribute to the household….did I mention shes is 22 years older than me) he would sell the house, and I would be homeless. This was of course about a WEEK after I had a Grand Mal Seizure at the gym and dislocated my shoulder. And my mom was already staying there to help me recover FROM A FUCKING SEIZURE.

Did Thanos love Gamora, yes? But he – and by extension his agenda – was still more important to himself than his child. I just don’t understand how that is. I try really hard to look at everything from both sides. But my dad….

Seriously tho, Fuck that Nigga Thanos.

I just…. I can’t wait for the day when I can not have “daddy issues” flare ups. This shit is worse than herpes. I might be done tho…because exhausted. Also, I might have already said too much. I had to edit like 4 times before I could post this. Because feelings.

Fuck Thanos So Much

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No More Mediocre 

I’m tired of mediocre people. I’m tired of mediocre people in power. I’m tired of mediocre people with power and privilege. I’m tired of mediocre people with power and privilege having any sort of say in the everyday workings of my life. 
I’ve spent most of my adulthood, being forced to deal with mediocre people in positions of power. There was a time when I didn’t really care. But it seems that since around January 20th, 2009…this shit has really come to the forefront. My contemporaries elected the first black President, and folks lost their gotdamn minds. 

The people who voted for the Only President I will ever claim, all of a sudden felt all their years of benefiting from their privilege no longer mattered. They felt they should be rewarded for their charity, and race should no longer be a part of any dialogue. 
You shouldn’t be rewarded. No one is going to clap for you. No one cares about your political act of charity. The movie Get Out just solidified some things I’ve been thinking out for the past year. I’m tired of mediocre people in positions of power (both minute and great) demanding respect they haven’t earned. 

I don’t have to respect, like, or care about you (or your feelings) just because you are a liberal (white) woman. I have the right to deny you that respect. Because, my people are free. I am notafraid of you, and in truth never have been. Because you didn’t earn your power, it was handed to you. 
The anger that comes, from knowing I’m better than people and yet I’m not afforded the same access and privilege they are. Some of this I can’t control….but there is a reason I have a therapist. Cuz sometimes that anger can be overwhelming. The difference between them and me…my knowing I’m better than you doesn’t make me address you differently. 

I don’t want your power. I don’t even want your privilege (I mean the good credit yes, but other than that….) I’m good.  
Being black is beautiful. It’s a blessing. At 35 I can say that and understand that phrase. There is nothing better in this world than an intelligent black American woman. Because we have carried the burdens of this country since it’s inception. 

The difference between “Us and Them”, we don’t want your power or your privleges. We just want to be able to create our own, without you trying to take it and make it yours. 

I don’t want your job. I know I can do your job better than you can. So do you, and that’s why you hate me.  I’m starting to believe that it’s some times in the very nature of mediocre people, to ruin any semblance of greatness. LET ME BE GREAT! My greatness doesn’t block your shine…its not meant to. 

I’m great at everything. This country created me to be a jack of all trades. I have to master everything, because survival is key. That’s why I can adapt to everything, because genetically I’m here because my ancestors did the same thing. The strong and resilient ones were the ones that lived. They killed the rest of them. 


I’m so tired of having to dim my light to make mediocre people feel comfortable. I’m so tired of code switching to keep my attitude in check. I’m so fucking tired of being told to stay in my place, because some sensitive ass mediocre bitch is sensitive and feels challenged. 
Wanna know why everyone likes me, cuz I’m honest. I know exactly who and what I am. When I say to them, “We dont judge,” its not empty words. I actually mean that shit. People gravitate towards truth, and those who try to destory it will never win. 

Call this a manifesto of sorts, if you will. My light is finna blind (but not block) these mediocre ass people. 

I am Amazing. I am Beautiful, I am a Genius, and I am indeed Better Than You. This is my truth. I’m living in it. 

Sorry, Not Sorry.

New Moon Free Write

I’ve been trying to get myself together for the last 6 months. Actively trying to be mindful of the consequences of my actions. It’s hard as fuck. Because, at least for me, when I’m intentional, it’s much harder to complain about the outcome. I like complaining. It’s kind of my thing. 

That’s not really what this post is about. It’s more about how hard this is for me. How I feel like I’m taking 3 steps forward and 7 steps back. It feels like when 1 thing is working, the other 168907 are not. I decided in June I was going to have weight loss surgery, only to have my company not allow us to do it with their insurance. 

I have finally gotten to the point where I want to do something permanently about my weight, as well as acknowledged that I can’t do it alone, and It was like that world was yelling at me, SIKE! GOTCHA BITCH! So now, I have to do something different. 

That seems to be the theme of 2016 for me: Do Something Different. And I’m trying, Lord knows I’m trying. But again this shit is HARD AS FUCK. Depression is a real thing for me. Therapy helps, I won’t deny that. But thanks to my high ass deductible, I can only do it 2x a month. I need like daily therapy sessions at this point in my life. 

I’m still angry. On June 2nd, when I thought my anger was going to kill me, I said okay girl, talk to somebody. And he’s great. But he’s not there at the local Fry’s at 10pm when I discover some asshole adult has taken wooden letters and spelled out KKK in the craft section on every shelf. He’s not there when I’m trying to not yell at random assholes with Trump stickers on their cars. 

This shit is HARD AS FUCK! By this shit, I mean life. It’s kicking my ass this year. Not to say that it’s been all bad, cuz it hasn’t.  But that’s not the hard part. The good stuff is easy. 

The hard part makes you feel like God doesn’t listen to you. Or maybe he’s just mad at you cuz you happen to be in love with someone you shouldn’t be. Or maybe God doesn’t care cuz there are people in Aleppo with a much harder life than you right now.  So stop being a selfish whiny bitch and deal with your shit. Cuz it could be worse. But this shit is HARD AS FUCK right now. 

So yeah….that’s where I’ve been for the last 2 weeks. Just needed to get all that off my chest. I’m better now, I think. 

CSBF Vol 14: Dear Black Women, You’re Doing It Wrong . . .

I’ve been avoiding this blog for sometime now.  Partially, because I’m lazy and I knew this was going to take me a long time to write. But really, because as a Black Woman, there is a huge possibility that people are going to see this and assume that I hate myself or something equally stupid.  But I can’t hold off any longer, because I KEEP running into situations where I see Black Men suffering because Black Women are stuck on Stupid.  The purpose of this blog is, “Each One, Teach One” So just read, and Learn.

Step 1: Stop Being so F*cking Petty

I mean really, everything is not a make or break situation.  He’s not ALWAYS cheating on you.  You don’t always have to get all Angry Black Woman in every situation.  The best way to ruin a relationship is lack of communication . . . Better yet, HORRIBLE Communication skills.  Either you don’t talk enough, or you talk too damn much.  Here’s a hint ladies, If what you are nagging your man about isn’t going to make you money, feed you, or help get you {or he} off, SHUT THE F*CK UP. Everything doesn’t have to be a 4 hour conversation about feelings.  He stopped listening as soon as the game came on.

Conversely, if something is bothering you, and it really is affecting the intimacy in your relationship, talk to him about THAT.  Don’t start a fight about how you think you look fat in this dress, and you saw the way he was looking at that girl in the mall, and why doesn’t he ever hang out with you and your mother, then finally you get to the point: You didn’t like the way he spoke to you around his friends.  All the rest of that stuff is superfluous.  Get to the meat of the issue.  All that other stuff, write him a note, or add it to your Diary. Because he doesn’t really care about the extra.  He cares about what he has “done wrong, and how can he fix it.”

Step 2: Stop being so Got Damn Selfish

You are in a Relationship. A Relationship is defined as: A connection between persons by blood or marriage {dictionary.com} This means there are 2 people in your relationship. Not Just YOU.  If you wanna get your hair done, nails done, er’thing did {OhYouFancyHuh} get a GOT DAMN JOB. It is not the job of your man to keep you laced up.  It is also not his job to complete you.  If you are broken, fix yourself.  Having a fine ass man, is NOT going to make you feel better about yourself. Actually, it will probably make you feel worse.

He is looking for a woman, not a child.  You looking to him for validation, he is looking for a partner.  Someone to work with him to better himself {and by extension you}, not a child to take care of.  Speaking of Children, if the man has children, they will always {or rather should always} come first.  You aren’t ever going to be his first priority.  You shouldn’t be.  So you being mad that he has to go see his ex-wife/Baby’s Mom’s house to get the kids is stupid.  She is the mother of his children, he is going to have to deal with her.  Stop being a dummy.

Step 3: Lying is getting you nowhere, neither is playing games.

The fact that you had to maneuver this man into dating you is not even the point.  But once you got the man, why are you still playing games? BE YOU. If he doesn’t like you, he wouldn’t be with you.  And if he doesn’t like the real you, f*ck that dude.  The person you are supposed to be with is the one that accepts you Flaws and All {AllBeyonce}. If you have a gambling problem, he’s gonna find out.  If you have a Fat Ass, he already knows.  That’s probably why he dates/married you in the first place.

Also, if you keep lying, f*ckin up, he’s going to cheat on you.  Men usually cheat because it’s in their nature to hump everything moving.  But men in committed Relationships cheat because something they used to be getting at home is no longer there.  Men don’t just cheat to hump, they cheat to be fulfilled.  If you are playing games, giving him the silent treatment, other petty female things – he will find what he needs from someone else.  Be it that friend who always listens to his problem, the random club heaux that just put you at risk for the HIV, his ex that always knew how to make him feel like a man . . . You are NOT the only fish in the sea.

Step 4: Independent Woman = Lonely Bitch

It’s okay to take care of you.  It’s okay to have a job, and a savings account, and a life plan.  You are supposed to take care of yourself, when you are alone.  You also have to make sure that you are secure in you, before you venture into a relationship with another person.  However, and that is a HUGE however, stop being all “I don’t need you dude, I can take care of myself,” every time you get in a fight with your man. Let him take care of you on occasion, stop emasculating him at every turn.  He is a MAN, stop trying to make yourself feel better by tearing him down.  If he isn’t on your level, but he is trying to get there, WHY oh dear God Why, must you point out all of his shortcomings.

Yes, there are MANY worthless men in the world. If you are continuing to attract worthless men, it might just be you? More and more, I am seeing GOOD MEN, getting dogged out by women.  Cheatin’ ass, Lyin’ Ass, Stupid Ass Black Women who don’t understand there’s a man shortage out here.  You should be so appreciative that you actually have a good man, that you work hard not to mess it up.  You can be all “Strong Independent Black Woman” at work. Doing that sh*t at home, is gonna leave you Lonely.  Sitting on your couch watching Tyler Perry Movies, crying cuz you just realized that your man was right when he called you a Selfish Heaux.

Step 5: White Girls aren’t your Natural Enemy, You Are

I live in Arizona. It’s a Black Man’s Mecca out there.  White women and Mexican’s for everyone! Yes, there are Black men that will push over their mother to find them a white girl, but all of them aren’t like that.  Most of the men that I know who no longer date Black Women, say the same thing, “I was tired of being nagged, browbeat, yelled at, all the Got Damn Time!” Again, you are causing the majority of your problems.

Get you a white female friend – not the ones who think they are black – but a bona-fide white friend.  Ask her about her relationships.  The one thing you will find is that she caters to her man. If he likes football, she watches it.  She don’t give a hell who Mike Vick is {unless she’s a member of PETA}, but she will root him on with the best of them! She doesn’t like poker, but she will play it with him and his guy friends if he asks her.  Her first instinct is going to be to say YES, instead of coming up with a reason she can’t, won’t, don’t feel like doing something. Take notes Black Women, you might get your man back.

Conclusion:

Every Black Woman isn’t a nag.  Every Black Woman isn’t a lying, cheating, club heaux.  Some Black women have very stable and wonderful relationships.  They are, however, in the minority.  What you see on TV isn’t real, so stop taking relationship advice from TV Shows.  It’s FICTION. Every relationship is going to have problems.  Every marriage is going to have hard times.  But, as a Black Woman, it’s our job to strive to be better.  We have had to overcome so much in society, now we just need to overcome ourselves.