Tag Archive | Backstreet Boys

Talk to Me Nice . . .

6 weeks ago, my whole world turned upside down.  Not as a euphemism, but like actually turned upside down.  I left Arizona, headed to MI on a plane on March 30th, with a job and a home. 10 days later, I was going to be homeless because the house I was renting was going on the market. “But we will of course honor your lease,” said the white woman.  My lease was up for renewal at the end of June.

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So I flew back to AZ, and packed up my entire life in less than a week.  Followed by DRIVING 2167 miles from Tucson, AZ to West Bloomfield, MI. Because, why not?  Did I forget to mention my 70 Lb dog . . . whose favorite thing in LIFE is to be in a car with me.  I had to drug him . . . because just NO.

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This is just here to set the scene for the actual point of this blog, because it’s important to know my mindset on this journey from AZ to MI. I was doing what I HAD to do, not what I wanted to do.  My life was in AZ. I started a business, I had friends (well like 10 of them, but still), my life wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad either.

Or so I thought.

I’ve been a Social Worker for 6 years.  Which means I understand things like “Survivor Mode,” and “Secondary Trauma,” but some kind of way, I didn’t know I was dealing with that, and in all honesty probably had been for at least 2 years.  Basically after my seizure, I just went into survivor mode and I haven’t stopped.

So much shit – good, bad, and horrible – has happened to me since I had that seizure.  Gained and lost friends, gained and lost family members, discovered Medicinal Marijuana, fell in and out of love with several people, dealt with my mother’s illnesses, got a dog, etc.

But I’d just been going full force.  Working 12 – 18 hour days, with one off day during the weekend, and usually I had stuff to do so I didn’t get the chance to just de-stress.  I’m actually slightly surprised I managed to function that long without having a serious mental breakdown.

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Looking back, I was in a rut of my own making.  I wasn’t very social.  But then again, Arizona is NOT very social.  There is nothing to do that doesn’t require hiking or swimming in extreme heat.  Which is bullshit, because FAT. Thus leading to the theme of my 2000+ mile journey: “Why the FUCK did I ever think I was Happy in Arizona?!?”

Click here for my definition of Happy

I was miserable.  I was irritable all the time, and I put up with bullshit because it was the best I could get.  I put up with a nigga (and the sex was garbage) because at least he was a Black Man in Arizona that liked me. I ignored my feelings for the only otha Black Man in Arizona that liked me, because I didn’t want to ruin it. I lost myself in AZ.  I forgot I was cute.  I forgot I was sexy, I forgot that I was a GOT DAMN UNICORN.

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I”m a 36 year old Black Woman.  I have 1 degree, and enough professional knowledge to have 2 more.  In multiple disciplines.  I’m the GOT DAMN Autism Whisperer.  My Vagina is a got damn miracle.  It could change your life, if you let it. I’m smart, capable of doing anything, and a cunning linguist. Driving cross country I realized several things about my life going forward.

  1. You never know how people view you.  You can have this thought, that the way you present yourself to someone lands the same exact way, every single time.  It doesn’t. One of the men I love {or am In love with, depends on the day}, (because I’m allowed to love more than one person at a time, SOCIETY) he sees this strong and resilient person, who never gives up and always perseveres.  He thinks I’m a strong person, even though I feel like I call him and cry like once every 3 months.  About completely different things, and I always feel so damn stupid for crying about it, because I’m supposed to be an adult at all times. So I feel weak, and less than for being vulnerable to him. And his take, “You may feel you’re not where you wanna be in life, but you’re right where you are supposed to be.” *thug tears*
  2. Love is Love is Love is LoveIt doesn’t have to look like anything other than something that makes you happy every single GOT DAMN day of your life. You don’t have to choose between the person who makes you laugh, and the person who makes your lady parts tingle.  No one has the right to tell you what your love HAS to look like.  Talk to the people, tell them your preferences.  If they aren’t down with the Get Down, that’s okay.  But don’t compromise yourself, to settle with what other people think is good for you.  We are living in Trump’s whole ass ‘Murica.  The world could end tomorrow, don’t waste it being sad because your needs aren’t being met. 
  3. I’m done apologizing for the way I’ve lived my life thus far.  I’m done feeling ashamed for the missteps I’ve taken.  I’m done trying to make up for the fact that I didn’t feel like I was an adult until a week ago.  I’m over anyone who tries to tell me how I should live my life, and navigate the world.  Be they Family, Friend or Foe – GTFOH with your rules and expectations.  I get to walk through the world in this new body I’m creating for myself.  I get to eat whatever the hell I want, and also RUN A FUCKING MILE for the first time in my life. The only people in this world who get to dictate how I live my life, are the people I choose to listen to.  I’m in charge of this ship now.  No more letting the wind take me wherethefuckever. 

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I’m sure I’ve written in the past that today is the day my life is different.  I’m sure at the time I wholeheartedly believed it.  Maybe things did change, in a way. But this version of MJ, the one writing this blog has already won.  She is living in her GOT DAMN truth.  And it’s Sofa King Fabulous.

Please, join me. 

Let’s live our Best Whole Ass Lives for the rest of 2018. 

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‘Cuz I Want It That Way…….

“You want it to be one way…….but its the other way.” – Marlo Stanfield.

A while back I wrote a blog, which I still need to locate on FB, about having unrealistic expectations in life and love. Thinking back, I know I talked about who and what my ideal man would be. At the time I was dating (sexing) a man who will forever be thought of as the biggest mistake I ever made. Was I trying to justify my choice? Probably. But I still had some valid points.

With that blog in mind, I would like to tell you a story….

Once upon a time, there was a little girl who just wanted to feel safe. She wanted the stability of knowing that someone would always be there to make sure she was happy, and that life hadn’t gotten the best of her. She kept looking to the people she felt were supposed to provide her with that special kind of stability – her father, her siblings, boys that she had encountered in her young life – but none of them could give her what she needed.

So this young girl wandered through life, just looking for someone to keep her safe. Along the way, she met some wonderful people who gave her all kinds of “good advice.” Things like: “Only God will give you that feeling,” & “The sign of a Weak Women is one who goes looking for a man,” & “You can always hug yourself.” This young girl got so used to finding momentary safety and the feeling of False Security, that the concept of actual stability seemed like an unrealistic expectation.

Six years ago, this young girl – now a young lady – met a man who told her he thought she was beautiful. This young lady quickly deemed him crazy and did her best to convince him of her {what she considered} numerous flaws and short comings. She rebuffed his advances, didn’t show up for arranged meetings and moved away without telling him.

3 days ago, she was sitting in her car and he came to her mind. She sent a text, just to say hello and was quite surprised at his response, “I Miss You.” How could he miss me, she thought in shock? He doesn’t even know me to miss me.

That’s why he’s so weird because he likes me. No one in their right mind would ever like me, just because of who I am. Because who I am is so unworthy of that kind of love. The kind if Love that comes from a recognition that goes beyond the physical.

The Young Lady had spent her whole life searching for someone who saw the part of her she hid from the world, and suddenly she realized that someone was right there the whole time. This man had been saying to her, FOR YEARS, “I just want to make you happy.” & “It makes me happy every time I make you laugh.” & “You are such a beautiful person.”

Had the Young Lady become so accustomed to BS that she just couldn’t fathom anyone being Genuine? Did she rebuff the Man because he wasn’t what people would expect of her? Was it because she thought he was crazy for taking an interest in her?

Or, was it because he scared her? Was she so afraid of putting her heart on the line that she would just rather deal with BS? Could she be so used to various forms of rejection, that Acceptance seemed like the wrong thing? Or, is she just completely over thinking like she always does, and needs to go for it?

Whatever the ending to this lovely story, I hope the Young Lady finds the safety and stability that she has been looking for, for 29 years, and finally gets that hug that leads to Happiness.

Am I, Your Fire?
Your one, Desire?
I know, its too late…..
But I Want It That Way. – The Backstreet Boys