Tag Archive | Bad Parenting

I Can’t Drink You Away….

This blog MIGHT be all over the place (kinda like my emotions right now) but I promise there is a central theme.

*******Avengers: Infinity War Spoilers********

We all said, nothing can ever be better than Black Panther. I THINK we were wrong. This movie is just….. So first off, FUCK THANOS. His entire existence just ruined my life. For a myriad of reasons. The last 20 mins of that movie are 1000000000 times worse than the Red Wedding episode of GOT.

But what has me awake at 4:30am like I don’t have shit to do in 3 hours, is the relationship between Thanos & Gamora.

He stole her, after he destroyed half of her planet’s inhabitants. He killed her mother, and told her it had to happen that way. He then trained her to be a deadly assassin who traveled the world killing for him. Because he’s an ASSHOLE.

Even though Gamora swore she hated him, when she *thought* she had actually killed him it tore her apart. Like broke her all the way down. Because even after all the abuse, and hate, and self-loathing, that was her FATHER. Every girl just wants a Daddy.

My life is in chaos right now. I reached out to my father, who has more than enough money to help me deal with this situation. It’s an unexpected life altering event, right as I took 2 months (unpaid) FMLA off to help my mom.

I knew he was going to say no. I knew it in my soul. I told my mom he was going to say no. He did. I wasn’t even shocked. I had already been working on another solution to the problem. He has never helped me out in a crisis. He has actually caused the last 2. And yet…..I asked. At 36, I still held an impossibly small piece of hope he would come through for me.

Because that’s what parents are supposed to fucking do – Help their children in times of need. That’s what our relationship was until I was around 12. The spoiled girl who was pampered and NEVER told no until she started gaining weight……she didn’t understand why the relationship just changed. It went from fun to weight control and walking 4 miles a day in the Arizona heat. I didn’t handle the transition well, because I wasn’t prepared for it.

My Hero. That’s who and what I used to think my father was. You couldn’t tell me shit bad about him. And due to his “strict religious and moral beliefs,” he would of course never lie to me or hurt me. Because that’s what the Bible says. But not the Good Reverend. That nigga worked 50 years to push his kids out the house at 18, and tell them to fend for themselves. Because that’s HIS moral obligation. Now, where this supposed code came from, I don’t know.

It took me way too long to understand this code of ethics even existed. [Partially due to my mother’s parenting style, because she’s the best mom ever] I was used to having a need, telling my primary parent at the moment, and getting what I needed. Some people called it spoiled…not sure why. Some part of me still felt, even after all the times he had disappointed me – if I can just explain why it’s so urgent that I need his help, he won’t say no then. I keep banging my head up against this emotional wall.

Always leaving a door open, or a window slightly cracked hoping he will be different this time. Because I never felt more loved and appreciated than when I used to go visit my father in Tucson and Pittsburgh. I still crave that….feeling. I write about wanting that all the time. Thanks to therapy, I know the root of that. But this blog isn’t REALLY about my daddy issues.

I know, insanity. The kid inside of me always feels so less than when dealing with him, because I’m still trying to get him to:

  • Acknowledge that parenthood doesn’t end when your children reach 18.
  • HELP ME GOT DAMMIT

Back briefly to Avengers.

In order for Thanos to reach one of his final goals, he LITERALLY threw Gamora over a cliff, and killed her. I started crying right then. Because GOTDAMN! Gamora’s face as she was falling, throwing out her hands and hoping by some miracle he would save her in the last minutes…….

It was like seeing myself on screen. (This conclusion is why I’m still awake right now) Every time I call my father specifically for his help, I’m hanging off the cliff holding on for dear life. He reaches down, and lifts each finger off, while telling me something about budgeting for unexpected events.

That’s how I see my dad. I paid the mortgage on a house that was in his name for 4 years, for him to tell me if I didn’t let my DEADBEAT ASS SISTER move in (and pay no rent or contribute to the household….did I mention shes is 22 years older than me) he would sell the house, and I would be homeless. This was of course about a WEEK after I had a Grand Mal Seizure at the gym and dislocated my shoulder. And my mom was already staying there to help me recover FROM A FUCKING SEIZURE.

Did Thanos love Gamora, yes? But he – and by extension his agenda – was still more important to himself than his child. I just don’t understand how that is. I try really hard to look at everything from both sides. But my dad….

Seriously tho, Fuck that Nigga Thanos.

I just…. I can’t wait for the day when I can not have “daddy issues” flare ups. This shit is worse than herpes. I might be done tho…because exhausted. Also, I might have already said too much. I had to edit like 4 times before I could post this. Because feelings.

Fuck Thanos So Much

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Dear Education System/Parents/Students . . .

Dear Education System,

I am writing you to apologize for the flack I have given you over the years.  I have blamed you for everything from Global Warming to Homosexuality in ATL.  I have unjustly caused people to lose faith in you, often citing the many instances when I perceived a child’s lack of intelligence, as a direct reflection of your inability to provide them with adequate life skills.  I have lamented on a regular basis that you haven’t done enough to provide at-risk children with these important tools which will allow them to excel past their circumstances.  I have evangelized on Twitter/Facebook/Blogs about your systematic breaking down of everything that makes a culture what it is.  I wasn’t wrong, but it’s also not all your fault.

Education, I came to you young and naive.  Fresh off a semester that showed me regardless of what my IQ level was, programming computer’s wasn’t for me.  I came to you with lofty goals and high expectations, because I wanted to make a difference and be able to provide children with the same education my mother struggled so hard to give me.  Education, I looked at you as a savior.  Something that could transform even the weakest of minds into something that is capable of moving mountains.

Somewhere along the way, Education, you stopped being about opening minds to new things, and become a political scapegoat.  Somehow, you went from being the Great Equalizer to being the Great Divider. Was it something we did? Did we not show you enough respect? Did we forget to pass on the things you had taught us to the next generation?  Did we spend so much time fighting that we forgot what the struggle was for? I’m not sure what caused you to give up on us, but I wish you would come back.

Education, we need you.  We have always needed you. Sadly, as a whole WE, The People, have failed to hold you in the high regard that we should have.  We failed to spend time enough with you, to take our time and really embrace you.  We failed to acknowledge that you can’t do/be/everything and/or everywhere.  I apologize, Education, for having – at times – completely ignored your influence in my life.  By using vulgar and broken language, I have seemingly showed the world that I haven’t had contact with you.  So Education, I am sorry for blaming you for all the world’s ills.  It’s not all your fault. Just 1/3 of it.

Sincerely, Me.

P.S. Now that I have gotten the big words out-of-the-way . . .

Dear Parents,

Stop Fcuking up your Kids. I know your life was hard.  I know that no one loved you in your youth.  You spent your whole life just looking for love and acceptance from anyone that you encountered.  Mom, I know you slept with any man who bought you dinner, in the hopes of being able to get out of your current situation. I know it was hard, with a Daddy that didn’t love you, and a momma who spent more time at Bingo than she did hugging you.  I get it. But seriously, you tried so hard to get out of that situation so that you can repeat the cycle?

I mean, yes, sometimes it’s hard to break the habits that you have incurred during your lifetime. I also understand that maybe your parents didn’t understand how important education was to helping you become a better person.  But I KNOW you remember how your parent’s FCUKED up priorities screwed you up. So why, in GOD’S Name WHY, would you knowingly do the same thing to your children?

Having an 11 year old girl, cheat on a Vocab test made up of 12 WORDS, because her Aunt called her stupid is just . . . She lives with her aunt and uncle because, “My mother choose a man over us,” I couldn’t do anything but Thank God that I hadn’t publically ridiculed her in the classroom, when she CLEARLY just has a learning disability.  No Child Left Behind shouldn’t just apply to GWBush’s shullbit education program.

Conversely, when I tell you that your child was disrespectful to the point of racism, your response, “Well, It’s probably because his bytch of a last teacher never expected anything from him,” doesn’t help me have faith in you as a parent. Also, your disciplinary solution, “I’ll have him write sentences at least 100 times that say I will not be disrespectful to my new teacher, ” ain’t ’bout shyt.

Parents, Do Better. I can’t make it pretty for you.  You are a Grown Azz Man/Woman, doing your best to ruin your child.  Stop being so damn selfish and help your child be better.  Expect more, and they will give you more.  Being okay with a C means that you are okay with Subpar life choices as well.  You don’t attend parent/teacher conferences, you don’t return the signed paperwork when asked.  You don’t attend the awards ceremony where you child is being acknowledged for what they HAVE accomplished.

Why did you have these children if you didn’t plan on doing anything with them?  Your lack of EVERYTHING, makes my job 10x harder than it has to be.  I’m judging you Parents, I am judging you so damn hard right now.

Sincerely, Me.

Dear Students,

I come to you disheartened and downtrodden.  Lost in the sea of disappointment that is being a Middle School Teacher.  After 6+ years of working in the Early Education field, and seeing children just when their educational careers were beginning,  seeing the hope and promise in their eyes . . . I have to ask you, What The Hell Happened?

When did you give up on yourself? When did you decide that being the dumbest person in class was much more important that being the smartest?  When did you forget that you can be anything you want to be if you just work hard? When did you lose your life goal to be an Astronaut, and decide that being a Hobo was just fine too? Sadly, as a teacher, it’s hard for me to see you suffering without wanting to help you.

Students, why won’t you let us help you? Why must you fight me at every turn? If your parents don’t care about your grades, why can’t you? I know your life has been hard. Parents in and out of jail, parents that don’t listen to you, parents that really don’t care. But isn’t there a part of you, one small part of you that understands that I didn’t choose to be a teacher just to sit here and do nothing?

A part of you that sees that I am trying my hardest to help you be great.  A part deep down that listens to me when I say to you, “You are so much smarter than you let your friends know.  I see you doing such great things with your life.” Is it too late for you? In 6th, 7th, and 8th grade is there just no way that you can believe in yourself enough to do better?

Help Me, Help You.  That’s why I choose to be a teacher, because I want to help you.  I want to see that light in your eyes when you finally understand WHY we have vocabulary words every week.  I want to hear the excitement in your voice when you realize that by reading a book, you can learn something about a subject you never knew before.  I am here for you.  I will go above and beyond to help you, if you let me.

But I can’t do it on my own.  To be extremely lame but sincere at the same time:

I Believe the Children are the Future, Teach them well and Let them Lead The Way

That’s not just a song to me.  It the reason I became a teacher.  So please, Students, understand who you have the potential to be.

Most Sincerely, A Teacher