Tag Archive | Bag Lady

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGEūüĎŹūüŹĺMEūüĎŹūüŹĺNOTūüĎŹūüŹĺ

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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Words and Sounds Of My Life Vol VIII: Out My Mind/Green Eyes/Bag Lady

Out My Mind

 

[Youtube=https://youtu.be/78-E1NnGxQo]
 
I’m a Recovering Undercover Over-Lover,
Recovering from a Love I can’t Get Over
Recovering Undercover Over-Lover
and Now my Come-Along Lover thinks he wants another . . .
 
 
 
 
 
And I’d Lie for you, ¬†and Cry for You,
Pop for You and Break for You and Hate for You
and I’ll ¬†Hate You Too . . . If you Want Me To . . . If You Want Me To. . .
 
 
 
 
 
Yes, I’d Pray for you, Crochet for You, Make it From Scratch for You,
Leave off the Latch for You, Go to the Store for You,
 
Do it Some More for You, Do What You Want Me To,
 
Yes I’m a fool for you . . .

Loving someone that desperately either takes something away from you, or it adds so much baggage to your soul it’s hard to break free. ¬†Just admitting you love someone that much is enough, but when you begin to take stock of all the things you have done, or are willing to do with/for that love, it’s downright scary. ¬†It’s often times a drug, loving like that. ¬†You walk around, dope sick. ¬†Feenin’ for the moment when he/she tells you they feel the same way. ¬†It’s the greatest high you have ever experienced. ¬†But Ooooooooh, when the Love Turns to Hate . . . .

Green Eyes:

 

[Youtube=https://youtu.be/3EnO9erUo2M]
 
Want to run to me when you’re down and low
But times get tough and there you go
Out the door, you wanna run again
Open my arms and you’ll come back in
Wanna run cause you say your afraid, afraidNever knew what a friendship was
Never knew how to really love
You can’t be what I need you to
And I don’t know why i fuck with you

Whoever E. Badu was talking to in this song, they would have to be stupid as hell  not to  understand what she was talking about.  The internal struggle РTo Love or Not to Love Рis enough to drive a sane person crazy.  But if you start out already messed up, it makes it even harder . . . To reconcile your love for a person, with the utter disgust you feel for them because of their actions.

Having fallen in and out of love with the same person for 10 years, when I first heard this song, I couldn’t face that the above verse was my Truth. ¬†But like my Pal Ricky “Oops Imma HeauxMeaux” Martin, it’s time to let my truth out. ¬†I held on to the past for FAR to long, hoping that he would come to his senses, and realize how much we were meant for each other. ¬†Grasping at straws, when in truth, He Couldn’t Be What I needed Him ¬†to Be For ME.

When I then became ashamed of my love for him, my blatantly¬†unrequited¬†love for him, the baggage just got heavier. ¬†Fear, added to self-hatred, double bagged with sadness and despair, the baggage just¬†multiplied¬†exponentially. ¬†The ONLY thing that saved me from being smothered by my baggage, was looking over at him. ¬†The realization that he was living life baggage free PISSED ME OFF. Why am I carrying all this weight, and this n*gga right here is happy and carefree? . . . . FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGG THAT! I’m letting this sh*t go . . .

Bag Lady

Bag Lady you Gone Miss Yo Bus
You can’t hurry up . . .¬†Cause you got too much stuff
When they see you comin . . . . Niggas take off runnin
From you it’s true oh yes they do

When this song first came out in 2000, I SO didn’t get it. ¬†Thought to myself, why the hell she make a song about homeless women, they don’t have radios! How they gon’ hear it? I know, I’m slow, but still. ¬†You don’t understand a song, until you are supposed to. ¬†I can honestly say, I have been a Bag Lady most of my life. ¬†I got a Daddy Issues Bag, and a Fat Girl Bag, and a 26 Year Old Virgin Bag, and many more than I want to admit I still carry.

I missed out on A LOT of things, because I was so worried about taking my baggage with me. ¬†Relationships, job opportunities, you name it, I’ve passed it up for the comfort of all my baggage. ¬†But once I had that, “You Can’t Deal with it All,” moment, I started dropping baggage so quick. ¬†I’m sure a few people were injured in the drop, because some people in my life were baggage too.

I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you

I tell my niece all the time, at the end of the day ALL YOU HAVE IS YOU. ¬†When no one else is trying to help you save you, you need to be there for you. ¬†If you are going to live in this world, full of selfish people, you have to be selfish as well. ¬†Think about yourself, first. ¬†It’s okay to do that, you can’t save anyone, if you haven’t already saved yourself.


Betcha’ Love Will Make It Better . . .