Tag Archive | Beautifully Human

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

Words and Sounds of My Life Vol. X: The Fact Is . . .(I Need You)

Been feeling some kind of way for about a week, without being able to put it into words.  Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, mostly just pissed off.  It goes without saying, I try quite hard to not be an Angry Black Woman.  I also work really hard to not be a stereotypical Black Female., all “I Need Me a Man.” But in real life, I Need Me a Man.

I could be congresswoman or a garbage woman
Or police officer or a carpenter
I could be a doctor and a lawyer
Or a mother and a Good God Woman whatcha done to me
Kind of lover I can be

Not a boy, or a thug, or some random nigga off the street, but a Man.  I can be and do anything in this world, alone.  I can raise a child, and hold down two jobs, and excel in my profession, and be happy.  But will I feel complete? I doubt it.  Fact is, I Need You.  Whoever you may be, I need you.  I need you there when I get off work, to ask me about my day, and listen to me bitch and moan if I so choose.

And even though I can do all these things by my damn self
I need you
I do, I do, I do, I do

I’m 28 years old, six months (to the day) away from 29, and I go to sleep alone.  Oh, I could choose not to.  I have someone willing to sleep with me every night, but “I’m Lonely, Whenever He’s Around.” I spend so much of my time telling other people not to settle, I was judging myself for settling.  This is not to say that he’s not a great man, because he is.  He just isn’t a great man for me.

So where are you? Are you waiting on me to call you out.  Well consider this my Siren Call.  I Miss You.  I know that I don’t know who you are yet, or rather I don’t know HOW you are yet, but I miss you.  Everyday, things happen to me, and I keep them to myself, because I can’t wait to tell YOU.  To see YOUR face light up when I tell you about the Guy with the Coconut (#AllSATC). Somethings were only meant for you.

I could be a computer analyst
The queen with the nappy hair, raising her fist
Or I could be much more and a myriad of this
Hot as the summer, Sweet as the first kiss

It seems weird to be writing a love letter to someone who doesn’t exist in my life right now.  I see Love everywhere I go these days.  Love and Babies.  My Biological Clock isn’t ticking . . . the Alarm has gone off.  Everyday, I think about the children I haven’t had yet.  I think about what they are going to look like.  Will they have your hair? Will they have my eyes? Little midget ears like me? A big nose like you?

I can even raise the child we`ll make
Make sure he`s loved and knows what God gave us
I can teach him how to walk and stand
But I need you to help him be a man
We need you

Most of the girls I know would give me the Prince Side Eye for admitting my NEED to be a mother.  But it’s who I am.  I see children in places that other people don’t.  Do you know what it’s like, to walk in a store and have children stop talking to each other, so they can smile at you.  While it warms my heart, it’s also kind of devastating. Because I Want That.  I want to laugh at my baby because she made a funny face, or get angry with you because you forgot to put on an undershirt on him on a cold day.

And even though I can do all these things
I need you
And even though I can do all these things
We need you
(And you need us too)

I’m judging myself, and anticipating judgement when this blog gets posted.  But I had to get it out, because it’s killing me at this point to hold it in.  I Need You.  In case you didn’t know, I thought I would say it again.