Tag Archive | Black Girl Struggle

Dangerously In Love….. a Forever #Mood

Soundtrack to this Blog:

It seemingly takes very little for me to fall for someone.

The Convict: His lightskinnedness (It was the 90’s! JUDGE👏🏾ME👏🏾NOT👏🏾

TBTLNY: His voice/accent

MM: Our friendship

TOTGA: His hood ass mentality

Bono: Conversation

The Unicorn: Conversation/His accent.

I share this NOT to call people out, but to say it’s never something exceptionally deep at first. It’s usually simple conversation or likemindedness. (Is that a word?) But after I sat on my best friends couch stressed as all the hells this weekend, I realized I’ve never had an issue falling for people. I have an issue letting them go.

If I’ve looked at you as a potential mate, if ive seen that vision in my mind’s eye, I will hold on for much longer than I probably should. To my own detriment, in most instances.

The Convict was my first real crush. The first time my lady parts reacted to a dude. I was 12, he was 17, and I was IN LOVE. Fast forward to 2010, I sho nuff satisfied THAT curiosity. Even though I knew it wasn’t a good look for me.

I was in love with TBTLNY for like 10 years. We ‘met’ June of 2000 and I was attached until August of 2010, when he acted a complete ass and I gave up. Only for me to almost IMMEDIATELY fall for MM (formerly known as HotNeighborGuy).

MM was 2010…he broke my heart. Like DEVASTATED me, and I didn’t know if I was ever going to be okay. But when he showed back up 6 months later….I just took my happy ass right on back. Only for it to fall apart 6 months later. To the point that I left Tucson. And yet……I’m 36.87% sure if he called me today, I’d answer. And smile. (Becuz I’m an idiot.)

TOTGA were college…….and yet. If ever they would like to roll on back in my life…I’d probably let them. (Yes, there are 2 of them)

This brings me to my point. I’m FIERCELY loyal, even to people who’ve hurt me on multiple occasions. For most of my life, I’ve just accepted that. That’s who I am, I’m always there. Part of it has been attributable to my zodiac sign…the other I’ve just assumed was Daddy Issues. I’ve just…….lived with this character flaw.

Because that’s what it is, a flaw. I can cut off a female in a heartbeat if she does anything that violates my personal code of ethics. I’ve cut off family members, CLOSE family members when I felt they’ve violated my trust. I stopped talking to my mom for like a month when I started college, just because we got on each others nerves on the drive up.

But I always seem to leave a window open and a light in that window for the men in my life that mattered. There is always a part of me who knows I’m going to let them back in, if they want to. This knowledge makes me feel weak. Because I’m a strong independent black woman, so I shouldn’t have these issues at all. But I do…and some of those listed above have been let back in.

TBTLNY and I….he’s still around. We figured everything out, and he’s still one of my best friends. I’ve known him half my life. We’ve matured together, laughed together, cried together, and everything in between. But that wasn’t because I stayed….its because we both wanted to do the work to fix everything.

MM changed my life, and I miss the intimacy of our relationship. I think I was so open and free with him because I KNEW we weren’t going to end up together. I risked my heart, 3 times, because I wanted to experience him. I don’t regret it, even though most of my friends would probably say I should.

Bono is so much of everything! Straightforward, no guess work, just fun. Weekly dining experiences and amazing conversation. No want/need to label anything or answer to each other for what we do outside of the time we spend together. It’s basically the best relationship ever…..that’s NOT a relationship!

Both TOTGA……yup they are still around, yay #Friendship.

Usually I try to give people advice about how I’ve coped and the steps I had to take to get there. I can’t give that advice today. Cuz ain’t shit changed. I’m still making dumb ass decisions about dudes. Because when I love, I Love HARD.

Because Stubborn & Aquarian Daddy Issues.

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Dear Depression……Thanks

I need to take a few minutes to talk about one of the benefits of MY depression. I talk all the time, about how Depression has seemingly taken over my adulthood. It makes things HARDER to accomplish. In order to be fair, I must now share the good sides of Depression. So without further ado, I present…..Thanks Depression!

I’ve lost 30lbs since July of last year. I went from 363.2 to today’s current weight of 334.8lbs. I can write those weights with pride, as it’s the smallest I’ve ever been (since I started actually weighing myself). The only time in my life I lost weight like this, was when I was working at the Tucson JCC. I was working out 5 days a week (for at least 40 mins), and eating kosher.

Which is why I have to say, Thank You Depression!

Because I just stopped eating food. That’s how I’m losing this weight. I have no appetite, at all. I forget to eat during the day, and I barely eat at home. When I do eat, the portions are so small it’s like being on a diet. 9 times out of 10, I always end up feeding the rest to my dog.

I’ve been dealing with my mom’s health issues and living 2309 miles away, so food intake has been the least of my worries.

People come up to me, and ask my diet plan. Usually, I lie. Cuz it’s kind of weird to be like, “Worry about your mom on an hourly basis! The pounds will just melt away!” I feel like, that wouldn’t go over that well.

FitBit reminded me today, I’m just 9lbs away from the initial goal I set for myself 3 years ago. I got a lil bit happy, knowing that goal is on the horizon. Then, I got sad again. Because I know I’ll make that goal. And it’s not because I’m doing it on purpose. It’s because I’m so stressed out about other things in life, I won’t be focused enough to try to stay at this weight. Depression is still there, I haven’t figured out how to get rid of it…..yet.

I sometimes miss when food was my happy place. I miss being able to eat my feelings. Because when you can just eat them, you don’t have to process them. You don’t have to sit with them, rolling around in your head all fucking day.

When you can eat your feelings, you also end up weighing 378lbs at 30. So clearly that wasn’t a healthy coping mechanism. But as I looking at the numbers getting smaller and smaller on the scale, my new fear is that once I’m back in Michigan, the weight just comes back.

So I’m planning already, how to keep this going. Joining Lifetime Fitness again, and cooking healthy food. Actually going for walks on the trail behind my mom’s house. Maybe I can get to my ultimate weight Goal, size 18 on the bottom, and a 14/16 on Top. The numbers never mattered to me, the way my clothes fit did. And 2 weeks ago, I bought a pair of size 24 jeans….and they are already too big now.

Thank You Depression, for being a catalyst to a lifestyle change I needed. I wasn’t gonna do it myself, so I appreciate the help 😁.

Open Book: Delusions of Gradeur

So, this isn’t going to flow, i don’t think. It’s really just kind of what is going on in my head. First, lets talk about my recent trip to the welfare office.

Yes, I, JoyfulWordsofWisdom, made a trip to the welfare office. Why? Because I’m struggling right now. Not like, I can’t go to the movies when I want to, but in danger of eviction type struggle. Admitting that to the whole world, is supposed to be freeing right? Like, once I type it, the burden of debt is supposed to magically fly away and be gone, right?!?!

Whatever, so I decided that I pay my taxes. I give to the government, so SURE they would want to help me in my actual time of need.

Let me also say, this isn’t the first time me and the Welfare Office have kicked it. When I was unemployed in like 2006 or something, we had a very pleasant relationship. Me and the Welfare office were close like JBarbie and Self-Esteem. So I stand in line outside for 45 minutes waiting for them to open the doors at 8:00am . . . Then wait for another hour waiting for them to call my name.

“Lady, I don’t need alot, but I need something.” Really nice white lady says to me, “Let’s see what we can help you with, because I understand your issues.” After she inputs my money situation in the computer . . .

Medical Assistance: Denied
Cash Assistance: Denied
Food Stamps: Denied (applicant makes $29 over limit)

There was nothing I could do do thank the lady for taking the time to try to help me, and walk out. Then sit in my car and cry. Cuz I have 2 jobs. I teach children all day, then teach other teachers how to teach. And, averaging them both out, I make about $12 an hour. Yup, ny niece who is a manager at McDonald’s makes $13 and she has medical benefits.

This isn’t to say that I haven’t always had some kind of struggle to overcome . . . hell, I’m black, fat, and female. . . struggle is synonymous with all three of those words. But as I was sitting in my car, I thought to myself, Why do I, as a teacher, not count as a person who needs assistance.

Utter shame at my situation has always stopped me from writing about this before. Because I am ashamed of the fact that at 29 I live paycheck to paycheck. I’m ashamed of the fact that I have a 4 year college degree, and I’m not sure if all my bills are going to be paid on time or at all. I’m ashamed cuz I see people that I consider my friends living the life that I pictured for myself and I can’t ever see that happening to me.

I don’t know everyones story, and most people don’t know mine. Because I allow most people to see my Delusions of Grandeur. I let or maybe even help them think, that everything is just fine. That I can still afford the lifestyle that I live. That money doesn’t rule all my day to day decisions. But in reality, money is the one thing that makes me the most miserable.

And yes, I have made some dumb ass life choices that have brought me to this point, but its not all my fault. The fact that other peoples decisions have gotten me here is even more frustrating. Knowing that all I need is a $3 transcript to more than double my salary pisses me off. Knowing that the one woman who can send it to me won’t because she didn’t like my tone of voice, pisses me the fuck off.

My new life goal has become to never have to depend on anyone for anything. This of course wont happen because I’m not a millionaire yet, but man o man once I get there…..

Until then, I just take it day by day…..basking in my Delusions of Grandeur. That everything is going to be okay, that I have everything under control, that each day isn’t bringing yet another struggle, and that I’m not still incredibly pissed off that the ONE person who should help me won’t.

Yup, the Land of Denial is so pretty…….